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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Privacy for 15 year old girl.

37 replies

MummyVW · 07/03/2019 19:40

My 15 year old granddaughter is living with us at the moment, not due to any issues at home, just down to convenience at the moment due to her parents work hours. My partner is her step grandad.
My partner sometimes tells me 'she needs to empty her bin, tidy her room, fold her washing etc. Not often, he's not getting on at her but I just wonder why he is going into her room when she isn't there. I don't think he should. There is no need to other than looking for things he can complain about. He doesn't tidy up or put washing away etc so there is no need for him to go in there. Am I right thinking he should give her some privacy? I just wanted to know what others think before i tell him to keep out of her room because it will probably turn into a row. She is a very good kid, untidy and moody like any 15 year old but she comes home when she's told and doesn't get into trouble, does well at school etc. I sometimes wonder if he is snooping to find a problem where there isn't one. I don't want to offend him if I am the one who is wrong but I feel uncomfortable with him treating her like a child rather than the young woman she is. I'd like to hear some opinions plz.

OP posts:

Hazlenutpie · 07/03/2019 19:44

It must be very difficult for your DH. It’s different for you as she’s your granddaughter. Have the two of you discussed the situation? Was he consulted about being lumbered with a teenager?

I must admit the set up sounds a bit weird. Is she going home sometime soon?

Original poster

MummyVW · 07/03/2019 20:01

Yes, he was consulted. The situation is only a temporary thing. I don't think the situation is weird at all. I lived with his teenage children for about 3 years until they left home when we first got together. Our door is always open if either of them wanted to come back. Is that weird? I thought it was just what families do.

OP posts:

pontiouspilates · 07/03/2019 20:13

Teenagers definitely need their privacy. This is her space and DSG really needs to respect her by keeping out of her room.

Hazlenutpie · 07/03/2019 20:14

I think having your 15 year old granddaughter living with you, for no particular reason is weird.

When it’s your own children, that’s completely different.

Perhaps your partner is happy that the teenage years are over and he’s been enjoying it just being the two of you. That’s how it sounds to me, as he’s clearly getting wound up by teenage behaviour.

That’s my opinion. You’ve asked for other opinions so there you go!

Original poster

MummyVW · 07/03/2019 20:19

Thank you, I really do appreciate your opinion. I consider myself a young gran at 54 but my youngest is 31 so it's difficult to remember exactly at what age i treated mine like adults, just going with my gut instinct over this so really do appreciate other opinions.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 07/03/2019 20:20

I have a 15 year old dd. I don’t ever go into her bedroom. She is however expected to keep it clean, tidy and change her bed. I remind her to do this and if I notice she hasn’t done it (I can tell by sheets appearing to be washed and the noises of her doing it!) then I have words... We have a great relationship though, although I sound like an ogre I’m not at all

She has a lot of privacy - she has an iPad and an iPhone I never check but she knows she can talk to me about anything bothering her. I’ve brought her up to know all about online safety etc etc.

It’s hard but I think 15 is about the right age to start giving them more freedoms / privacy. Then you come down hard if it goes pear shaped!

TulipsTulipsTulips · 07/03/2019 20:23

I don’t think it’s weird at all. What an odd comment from @hazelnutpie.

OP I think your instincts are right. He should respect her privacy and not spend time in her room unless there is a good reason. Privacy is so sacred at that age and her bedroom will be her personal refuge.

Original poster

MummyVW · 07/03/2019 20:26

I asked for opinions on whether my other half should be going in her room. I didn't think i would need to go into all the detail but daughter and son in law both leave for work at 5.30 / 6 am. Grandaughter had started to not get up for school, or get up and go back to bed so was missing school. We are only in the neighbouring village and i work from home and am here in a morning so it is a convenience thing. GD goes home at weekends, she is happy with the situation, it has solved the problem before it caused her school work to suffer. There are kids near me that go to her school, she has friends here as well as where she lives. All that is not really relevant to what i was asking opinions on.

OP posts:

Hazlenutpie · 07/03/2019 20:28

So everyone is happy? I can’t help wondering why DP is rocking the boat.

cocomelon23 · 07/03/2019 20:28

How long is she going to be living with you? It must be hard for your dh living with a teenager again. I don't see why he shouldn't go in her room. My parents always went in my room as a teenager, just to check for empty plates, etc.

llangennith · 07/03/2019 20:34

It's not weird at all that she's staying with you and I don't know why people are picking on this non-issue.
Tell him to stay out of her room and respect the fact that she's a young woman and needs privacy.

Original poster

MummyVW · 07/03/2019 20:36

Fairylea , TulipsTulipsTulips, thank you. I will have a tactful chat with him and fingers crossed he won't get offended. I appreciate you opinions.
Fairylea Same here, I do go into her room to wake her in a morning so if it is a tip then i tell her that evening to tidy it up and she does. We get along great, we always have. That's why she was quite happy with the idea of staying here during the week. I think all she needed was someone there to motivate her to get out of bed in a morning and she secretly likes coming home to nan making her a snack rather than going home to an empty house. It solves my daughter worrying every morning when she leaves for work that her girl will not go to school. Hopefully I am just being a good mum to my daughter helping out with a small problem that was causing big worries.

OP posts:

Hazlenutpie · 07/03/2019 20:41

Perhaps also consider the opinions that don’t agree with you.

Original poster

MummyVW · 07/03/2019 20:47

Cocomelon23, thanks. My other half will probably say that is why he goes in and i'm sure it is. It's kind of tough if he doesn't like living with my teen grandaughter, (they actually get on ok.) I lived with his kids long enough, lol, that wasn't easy but we both had kids when we met and both were of the opinion we came as a package. I love his kids to bits, he loves mine. We all get along great.

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyVW · 07/03/2019 20:48

Hazelnutpie, perhaps stick to the issue!

OP posts:

GorkyMcPorky · 07/03/2019 20:52

Hazelnutpie, perhaps go and take your weird hang ups to another thread.

OP, sounds like your DP is looking for something to moan about, as you've already suggested. You also said you worry about offending him. A he generally difficult to live with? It would do my head in.

Hazlenutpie · 07/03/2019 20:53

I’m honestly trying to give you another point of view, that’s all.

RaffertyFair · 07/03/2019 20:55

I definitely agree with you OP. Your dgd should have privacy and your DP shouldn't be going into her room.

And you are definitely a young grandparent. My dd is 14 and I'm 57

Hazlenutpie · 07/03/2019 20:55

I feel like we could do with DP’s side of this story.

RaffertyFair · 07/03/2019 20:59

I feel like we could do with DP’s side of this story.

Bloody hell Hazlenutpie the OP asked a simple, quite specific question.

Original poster

MummyVW · 07/03/2019 21:04

GorkyMcPorky He can be touchy. I keep telling him he's a grumpy old man, he's really not so bad.

Hazelnutpie you didn't give me ANY opinion on the issue I asked about. You just stated your opinion on my family arrangements, which you think is weird. I think it is weird that you can't comprehend that normal families support each other. Get a life! you are the weird one. If the general opinion on here had been that I was wrong and there was no reason for me to ask my other half to stay out of gradaughter's room then i would have gone with that and told myself that i was being oversensitive.

OP posts:

Hazlenutpie · 07/03/2019 21:05

Yes but DP lives there as well and clearly he’s not absolutely happy with the DGD. You can’t just forget about him.

Hazlenutpie · 07/03/2019 21:12

Anyway OP I’ve genuinely tried to give you my opinion. Telling me to “get a life” because you don’t agree with me is telling.

Wearywithteens · 07/03/2019 21:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

CIT80 · 07/03/2019 21:16

Absolutely nothing strange about your Grandaughter living with you. But with regards to your question I don’t think he needs to go in her room - if the mess does bother him I would advise him to do what my dad did when I was a teen and just shut the door so you don’t have to see it. A messy teen bedroom is quite normal and no reflection on the type of person they are or the type of adult they will become. I hope you find a solution to this as you sound like a lovely Nan x

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