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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old DS permanently excluded for sexting

30 replies

Howdidthisbecomemylife · 05/03/2019 22:17

I need a hand hold. Ds has been caught sexting a girl at a different school, this girl (also 14) was over heard boasting about the pictures he sent her, she had also sent him photos and the general conversation was pretty graphic. The safeguarding team at her school contacted ds’s School who have taken a hard line and the result is we have to find a new school for him. I’m devastated as is he. He says he would do anything to take it back and is completely distraught at having to leave his friends plus I have absolutely no idea where he should go now or how to deal with this. I just want to crawl into a deep hole and die. To rub salt in the wound dss 25 has message my dh to let him know how this is all our fault as we have allowed him too much internet access and allowed him a smart phone etc. Basically we are awful parents and he is ‘very disappointed in us’. Just the sort of helpful armchair parenting we need. Dh has been dealing with anxiety and has been making lots of progress but I can see him slipping backwards fast. Can anyone give some helpful advice or share similar experiences?

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 05/03/2019 22:34

why’s he been excluded if they are at different schools ?

I’d check the appeals process and maybe contact the LEA for advice.

eatingtomuch · 05/03/2019 22:37

Contact the exclusion team in your LA and seek advice. I would also appeal this decision

JudgeRindersMinder · 05/03/2019 22:39

@Northernparent68 I’d imagine he’s been excluded because if by graphic, OP means obscene, it’s a criminal offence. If this has been the case, then the lad’s got off lightly by being excluded and no apparent police involvement

Original poster
Howdidthisbecomemylife · 05/03/2019 23:19

I don’t know what you mean bŷ obscene v graphic. The school did speak to the police but they don’t wish to take it further, I guess because the are of the same age and the images were mutually requested etc. He feels utterly ashamed of himself.

OP posts:
TomorrowIsFree · 05/03/2019 23:35

Maybe it would be good for him and you to face up to what he has done and the consequences. Probably not a popular view but it's pretty disgusting.

Singlenotsingle · 05/03/2019 23:38

Just appeal. I'm sure he won't do it again, he's learnt his lesson. Maybe a letter of apology from him would help.

MrsApplepants · 05/03/2019 23:41

I’m really sorry but I think the school is right to take a hard stance on this.

DippyAvocado · 05/03/2019 23:42

It does seem quite harsh if this is the first time he has been in trouble, but it is a criminl offence for a person under 18 to take an indecent photo of themselves and send it (it can be an offence to just take it, not even send it). If the school hasn't made this clear in its exclusion policy then you would have grounds for an appeal. It would be good practice to make this clear to pupils too, although as SRE is not currently statutory, there is no obligation on the school to actually teach about it.

Contacting the LEA is the next step forward.

Haggisfish · 05/03/2019 23:45

Students are told about the possible dangers of sexting all the time. Age makes no difference-they both committed a crime and you’re damned lucky the police aren’t taking it further. I’d look for the best possible alternative school.

pallisers · 05/03/2019 23:49

I think you have 2 issues here and you need to separate them.

One is where he will go to school. If you think he would do ok in his current school then you should go and talk to the principal, lodge an appeal, ask for help. If that doesn't work, then you have to look at other schools.

The second one is what your ds actually did and it was incredibly stupid at best and abusive at worst. when the dust settles you need to have a very very serious conversation with him about consent and what is acceptable and what is not.

Also tbh while I can well appreciate how your dss is annoying the hell out of you - frankly, I think you should listen to him and ask him to talk to your son too. He understand how kids use social media/phones way better than you do because he is closer in age. What he says to your son might resonate a lot more than what you say.

He is also probably really worried about his brother which is why he is blaming you. I banned snapchat when dd was age 12 because her older brother told me it was used for sexting. The following year a 14 year old sent a picture of his dick with accompanying text to his girlfriend. Except he picked the wrong Emma from his contacts. The Emma he picked was age 13. It was around the school in doublequick time until one kid told a parent.

donquixotedelamancha · 05/03/2019 23:50

The school did speak to the police but they don’t wish to take it further

I'm surprised they haven't interviewed him. At the very least the offence will surely be recorded.

I think (no expertise) that you might have good grounds to appeal the exclusion. Not sure that would be a good idea.

Has he had prior exclusions?
Have they excluded him effective immediately?

I’m really sorry but I think the school is right to take a hard stance on this.

I agree. Not sure what a permanent exclusion achieves though. Whatever the outcome, the main thing is to address his behaviour.

namechangedforanon · 05/03/2019 23:51

I've give this a read and contact them : childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/sexting/

They are a charity.

Personally I think the stance the school has taken is horrendous.

namechangedforanon · 05/03/2019 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DangerMouse17 · 05/03/2019 23:54

Ridiculous response from the school. Exclusion should not be the stance for what I assume is a first offence. Both kids have done this willingly. I would appeal if I were you. Exclusion often becomes a slippery slope...

pallisers · 05/03/2019 23:56

I am not sure which consent angle you are arguing ? The fact that they are minors who cannot consent?

Well obviously yes.

But a 14 year old exchanging graphic photos with another 14 year old has clearly missed every conversation the school and his parents have had with him about appropriate behaviour so I would be wondering what else he has missed.

Singlenotsingle · 05/03/2019 23:57

The child needs an education and it's completely U to permanently exclude him for this. I'd be interested to know how many other kids his age are doing it.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/03/2019 00:01

I’m a bit shocked by this. There have been girls who can’t attend school due to their rapist still being allowed to attend and yet your son gets expelled for mutually consenting sexting? Was the girl at the other school reported to the police? Has she been expelled too?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/03/2019 00:02

And yes of course he has been incredibly stupid, he will have had all the school talks about this stuff. But I do think this is a very hard line. Have the expelled others for similar?

GreenTulips · 06/03/2019 00:05

They have lesson after lesson after lesson in this topic.

It’s not news to him surely?

He’s only sorry he got caught and the school have taken a hard line.

Just because everyone else does it, doesn’t mean it’s OK!

Move on and find him another placement

Muddysnowdrop · 06/03/2019 00:07

It’s illegal, consent is really neither here nor there you can’t have explicit pictures of anyone under 18.

namechangedforanon · 06/03/2019 00:24

I get, "it is illegal" .

There are a lot of things that people do which are illegal but their future isn't robbed from them for doing something, which in this instance has caused very limited harm.

I am not saying that it is right, yes there is wrongdoing on both sides but the punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime at all. Ignore your DSS, you need to focus your energy into supporting your son at what is going to be a tricky few weeks.

namechangedforanon · 06/03/2019 00:25

ILoveMaxiBondi Wed 06-Mar-19 00:01:29
I’m a bit shocked by this. There have been girls who can’t attend school due to their rapist still being allowed to attend and yet your son gets expelled for mutually consenting sexting? Was the girl at the other school reported to the police? Has she been expelled too?

EXACTLY this

Original poster
Howdidthisbecomemylife · 06/03/2019 07:04

I don’t think anyone isn’t facing up to the seriousness of the offence, least of all me.

He knows what’s what, he had had all the warnings and we had had all the chats but teenagers have a habit of getting caught in the moment and doing something despite having been educated, in their minds it’s different because they are ‘in love’ or ‘the girl asked’ and he wanted to appear grown up/the big man and he was desperate to be liked, his friends were all doing it and he wanted to be ‘in’

The school are aware it’s absolutely rife, but ds has been caught unlike the hundreds of others doing the same and I guess is being used as a cautionary tale. It’s not a state school and so there aren’t the usual appeal possibilities. I know that even the school staff that have direct contact with ds weren’t expecting such harsh punishment, other children have been suspended but on this occasion they have decided to make an example. We haven’t even met with the head, the decision was just delivered via the year group head.
The police take it as a safeguarding issue because as they see it in this instance that it is of no benefit to prosecute two silly teens who were both complicit and have harmed only themselves, he will receive a talking to.
I have no idea what has happen to the girl. Ds no longer has a smart phone so is not in contact with her or any of his friends.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 06/03/2019 07:08

Ah. Not being a state school makes a huge difference. I wish you both the best for the future. I would ask them if he can leave voluntarily, rather than have the exclusion on his record.

Bouchie · 06/03/2019 07:18

I think I would let him have a brick phone so he can talk and text his friends. Monitor it, maybe half an hour a day. No other screens etc. He has made a stupid mistake and has been well and truely punished. But he needs to be able to talk to someone.