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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

15 year old refusing to come on family holiday

26 replies

GatherlyGal · 20/02/2019 15:42

So almost 15 year old has had a difficult year - struggling with gender identity and general mental health issues.

After some therapy (him and us) and a lot of work we are in a better place in terms of communication and managing the challenging behaviour. BUT he has no interest in family activities unless they involve him (no siblings) and me or DH taking him to a band he wants to see usually bloody miles away and very expensive.

He is refusing to come on holiday with us this summer. I have pointed out that its not really fair on the rest of us to go without a holiday and he's too young to be left home alone. His reply is that he's just not coming simple as that.

Quite aside from how upsetting it is that the idea of a week in the company of his family is so terrible, plus the fact we are staying in the UK to avoid the difficulty of his passport being in the wrong name / gender and also going to great expense to make sure he has a separate bedroom - I don't know what to do.

If we drag him he might have a reasonable time or he might work hard to be miserable and that won't be fun for any of us.

My mum has offered to have him but a week is a big ask as he's not that easy and they aren't particularly close.

I know he can't be the only one to not come on family holidays but what do people do??

OP posts:

EssentialHummus · 20/02/2019 15:45

I’d let your mum have him as she’s offered. Give him a final “in or out” deadline, explain the alternative, let him decide.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 20/02/2019 15:46

Would he go if a friend came along?

HoneysuckIejasmine · 20/02/2019 15:46

When I was a teenager we went away when I would rather not. I threw a strop and stayed at the cottage the whole time whilst my parents and siblings went out. I regretted it hugely, they sounded like they had such fun. I was too stubborn to admit it at the time of course.

See if he'll come to the holiday location, and suggest he can decide each day what he wants to do.

Hollowvictory · 20/02/2019 15:49

Kind offer from your mum. He can choose your mums or the holiday.

Loopytiles · 20/02/2019 15:50

Sorry you’re going through all this.

Suggest giving him two options, with a deadline for decision: coming or staying with his grandmother. Not staying home alone.

Decormad38 · 20/02/2019 15:51

This happened to my friend. One of her sons flatly refused to ever go on holiday with them again. Nothing they did could persuade him.

Original poster

GatherlyGal · 20/02/2019 15:51

Aprilshowers he wanted to bring a friend but that makes 4 kids plus dog plus luggage which won't fit in the car. Also friendships are so difficult at the moment it is impossible to plan ahead more than a couple of weeks which is tricky.

Honeysuckle he'd be under no pressure to join in anything once we get there and can spend all day on phone in room if he wishes. TBH he's unlikely to get away with that at Grandma's!

OP posts:

Ragwort · 20/02/2019 15:52

Is your mum genuinely happy to have him for a week?

I can sympathise, I can remember loathing family holidays as a teenager & just didn’t go away with my family, but I was very close to my grandparents & they loved coming to stay at our home with me when the rest of the family was away.

We have a teenager ourselves now & to be honest I find holidays with teens aren’t that much fun for anyone.

Ribbonsonabox · 20/02/2019 15:53

I think you should keep trying to encourage him to come and offering things to do together.
I suffered from depression in my teens and it wasnt that I didnt love my family I was just so anxious about doing things that I wasnt sure of etc... sometimes I found it very hard to go outside. I couldn't really express it well... I dont think my parents understood.. they just used to leave me home alone, went to India for two weeks once and left me. I dont blame them because it must've been hard but I do wish they'd tried a bit harder to emphasise that they wanted me there... in my head it felt like I was bringing everyone down and I was this massive burden who was better off just sat in the dark by myself than ruining everyones holiday with my stupidity.

So personally I'd keep trying to sell the holiday to him.. in a positive way rather than 'how can you do this you are upsetting everyone' way.... and if when it comes down to it he does go to his grans just make sure not to react too emotionally about it... he probably already feels shit.. just go on your own and enjoy yourself but dont make a big deal to him about how he should've been there, emphasise that theres always future holidays he could come on and that he would always be welcomed and enjoyed.

I feel for you it must be very hard dealing with all this you sound like a caring supportive mum though so I have no doubt you'll all get through it in the end.

Original poster

GatherlyGal · 20/02/2019 15:55

Thanks all. I agree there's no way he's staying here alone. I just need to try and work out if my mum really meant it!

Feels pretty shit but maybe he'll like us again in a few years.

OP posts:

CaseofEllen · 20/02/2019 15:57

Shit situation for you OP but not unusual at his age! Absolutely hated doing family activists including holidays at that age. Would just strop about the whole time! He will come around in a few years if you and DH keep being as understanding as you seem to be xx

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 20/02/2019 15:59

Ah I thought he was an only dc. On reflection I would allow him to stay with gm. Give him some space if he needs it. My ds had problems - the getting into trouble sort - his therapist gave him techniques to help if he felt overwhelmed. One was having time away from those who had great expectations of him. So he could be calm in himself without needing to make excuses /explain himself to family.
Maybe your ds needs this.

Original poster

GatherlyGal · 20/02/2019 16:00

Thanks Ribbons we are actually closer than we have been he just says he doesn't like spending time with family.

We've worked hard to find things he wants to do with us hence driving him all over for gigs etc. We are basically a taxi service though!

OP posts:

NotSoThinLizzy · 20/02/2019 16:11

Speak to your mum and find out what ground rules she'll have in place and talk to him about them see if he's still keen

yikesanotherbooboo · 20/02/2019 16:20

I am so sorry OP, I would really hate this situation. It seems to be borne out of his anxiety so one has to sympathise but allowing him to control all or your lives in order to gain some control over his own must feel wrong. There is also the point that constantly falling in line with his boundaries is making his world narrower and narrower and thus not preparing him for the wider world that he will soon be facing.
Having said that I think you have no option but to offer the available choices ; Granny ( hopefully) with all that that means in terms of falling in with her routines and expectations Or family holiday with own room etc. Personally I would keep the option of coming away with family open to him in case he changes his mind but would make very clear what the parameters are in both scenarios.
It is really difficult for children of this age to put themselves in others shoes and thus for them to fully realise the impact of their behaviour on others( particularly sibs).if his mood is low as well as the anxiety he will be looking at the world through dark glasses and his automatic point of view may be to feel that everyone is against him/ it's not fair/ you don't understand etc which makes negotiating impossible. Be as positive and loving as you possibly can and pick your battles carefully. Ironically he is pushing you away at the moment he needs you most. I really feel for you and hope i I don't sound patronising.

Original poster

GatherlyGal · 20/02/2019 16:30

Thanks Yikes not patronising at all it is quite shit.

The point about boundaries is a good one - we let so many things slide these days to avoid life being a full-on battle but it is hard to know which things to stand firm on.

It is all about control and we know this and usually manage to at least appear to let him have control in various ways but this is one of those "all or nothing" situations where there isn't a compromise.

Conversation with grandma required!

OP posts:

JustDanceAddict · 23/02/2019 07:55

I was 14 the last time I went on a proper family holiday (the year after I went on a pgl type thing and then stayed with my aunt). I don’t think it’s much fun at that age with just your parents. My two have each other so they’re still happy to come .
I’d give him a choice then of grandma or coming.

Believability · 23/02/2019 07:59

I think you’re right, it’s grandma or the family holiday, no other options are available but make it clear that even if he chooses grandma then he can change his mind and come with you at any point. At 15 regardless of anything else going on in his life then those really are the only options

AJPTaylor · 23/02/2019 08:01

I have a nephew this could have been written about but for the siblings. Leave him with your mum. You could all do with the break. If he won't go there, he comes with you and sits in the room.

NWQM · 23/02/2019 08:02

This is so hard for you all but as you’ve suggested there have to be lines in the sand. If you are happy that he goes to Grandma then so be it - if her offer still stands - but if not he comes.

He sounds desperately unhappy but you can only do so much as well. Taking him on holiday is not cruel or that difficult given the depression that he is suffering. If he is prepared to travel for the things he likes. He will go to new places for the things he likes.

clarrylove · 23/02/2019 08:06

I am a bit confused, you said no siblings but if he takes a friend there will be 4 kids?

Meet0nTheledge · 23/02/2019 08:21

I think the OP meant that he was only happy doing things with a parent but not his siblings, rather than that there are no siblings.

Hopefulyg the staying with Grandma option will work out.

lljkk · 23/02/2019 08:51

OP meant her DC is only amiable if no siblings are around, not that there no siblings on offer to be around.

Heart to heart chat with gran to beg make sure she's willing to have the DC.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 23/02/2019 09:42

Have you asked him what he thinks the solution is within certain parameters? Eg: you don't want to come on holiday with us but we will not permit you to stay at home alone. Obviously you understand that it is not reasonable to insist your siblings don't go on holiday just so that you can get your own way, so how do you suggest we resolve this?

I use this tactic as a teacher when teenagers present problems: I set out the situation very clearly, including the non-negotiables, and then ask them to present a workable solution/compromise that takes those factors into account.

Bouledeneige · 23/02/2019 09:50

Well your DS has two choices - come on holiday or stay with Granny. Simple. No way should you miss out on your family holiday. And no insult to your Mum but I think I know which one I'd prefer if I were him.

I do agree with earlier posters about setting boundaries and being clear about non-negotiables. A friend's child has been a very unhappy teen (self harm, friendship issues etc) is now going completely off the rails because no rules were ever fixed solid. Everything was negotiable because of 'poor Olivia..'

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