DD (18) met online stranger “boyfriend” without telling me...advice please

[CluelessOfThree]

Sorry for long post.

DD (18) is @Uni FT, living @home with PT job (1eve washing dishes). She’s v quiet, & reserved, loves reading, & not v good socially or streetwise. Since starting Uni she’s made a few friends, & kept in contact with school friends (4 - all at different Unis). Not joined any clubs, or into drinking, smoking or drugs. What most ppl wld class as a “good girl”: hard working, studious, helps around the house, looks after her younger siblings (15 & 11) while I’m @ work (FT eves since before Christmas). Basically, she’s still behaving like she was @school ie rarely going out with friends unless I nag her to make the effort to contact & arrange things! The only real change is she’s on the Internet a lot more although she will have breaks & put away her phone during dinner & family time.

I have her phone password & have access to it, but rarely check (she’s not doing anything “suspicious”, we talk about internet safety & what she’s doing/ seeing/ playing online etc). She has her dad’s old laptop for Uni & he bought her an iPad Pro (again for Uni). I have been on the laptop (she logs in to show me Uni stuff & access her emails), but not her iPad, which she primarily uses for drawing. Her younger siblings occasionally go on her devices.

She is really a reserved person & not keen on taking public transport (I drop her off @ bus stop during the day & this term she makes her own way home). When we go out to eat, she hates ordering. She hates shopping & is not into fashion or makeup. I tried to get her to work waiting tables or serving in a shop to help her out of her shell, but she refused (left after an hour!)

Two weeks ago she said she’d meet with her school friends so we discussed where they were going & how she was going to get there/ home. In the end, I dropped her off in the city as DS had an event on & little DD & I went to watch him. She later texted to ask if we could meet her as one of the girls had given her a big soft toy which she didn’t want to carry round with her. Knowing where they were, I turned up @the restaurant. The girls were there with a guy, which I hadn’t expected, but assumed he was someone’s Uni friend, although they (including DD) were a little “cagey”. I was told his name & I asked which of the girls he was studying with, to which he said he wasn’t; he’s from England.

Anyway, after a brief conversation (mostly me asking the girls how Uni is) I left with younger DD to collect my son. I bumped into my younger sister & her son who said they were v surprised to see my DD with her boyfriend earlier “holding hands”.

To say I was surprised is an understatement. To learn that he’s someone she’s met online through one of the games she plays, & has gone and made plans to physically meet him is shocking. Frankly I’m disappointed with her behaviour: we’re very close & she tells me most things. Thankfully she’s taken precautions by asking her friends along & meeting him in a public place, and when I questioned her after work she said it was their first meeting & they’ve spoken on the phone & WhatsApp calls for the last fortnight. She admitted her friends left them after lunch, & I know she didn’t get home until nearly 8pm. She even made dinner for herself when she got in!

This is her first “boyfriend”, whom she’s been chatting online since Oct. I have heard her mention his name before (she refers to him as the “cat person”) & she’s shown me photos of his cats & kittens. She’s previously said he was from London & rich (he apparently took plane up & stayed in another city for two days with his brothers).

i haven’t had the chance to talk to her properly today as she was @ Uni all day & afterwards we were at a family gathering & got back late. I’m not sure what to say to her either. DH doesn’t know: he will be furious, esp as he’s from a different culture & we are v “traditional”. Plus, the guy is from England, so there’s that distance thing (which I’m not keen on at all: it’s not as if we can just “pop round” to meet him/ his family.) I’ve met all her school friends & family, & most of her Uni friends (not their family as most are from abroad). Anyway, I said to DD to treat this as a friendship rather than a relationship partly due to the distance. She told me they’d take turns travelling (for a girl who hates going anywhere & needs someone to go on a journey with her at least once!)

Yes, I realise she’s no longer a little girl, but really she’s not at all independent. She’s quite immature for her age & looks much younger than her more streetwise, but younger cousin. I really don’t know what to say, without sounding overbearing(?) & pushing her away. Any advice/ thoughts please.

18 IS a teenager!

What a depressing read. Your husband will be 'furious' that your 18 YEAR OLD daughter has met someone?

You need to be very careful or in a few years time she'll be no contact with you both. It's embarrassing the way you go on with her she's an adult

I understand how you feel op as I have a DD very similar to yours, except that she is now 20. Very innocent, very niave, lives at home, tells me everything, I was shocked when she told me she is on tinder! (She hasn't actually met anyone yet) Your DD sounds sensible so while you should still keep an eye on her, she has done nothing wrong and is entitled to get on with her life in her own way.

The minute you come at this from a disapproving standpoint it will just cement them together in a no-one understands us drama.

You need to say, how lovely, tell me all about him. She needs to come to her own conclusions as to whether she can do a long distance relationship. It isn't like she met him online and 2 minutes later met up with him.

She needs to be able to talk to you about things. Just because you are traditional doesn't mean she is, she isn't you.

OP, this is one of those threads where it is absolutely essential that you make it clear what kind of culture/place you and your dd are living in. Most of the posters on here are from the UK, so they will assume that UK expectations apply. And UK expectations are very much that unless severe Special Needs apply, it is the job of a parent to bring their child up so that they can make their own decisions by the time they reach 18- and then to let them get on with it!

From this pov, not making sure that your dd can get around herself on public transport looks like parental neglect. It seems like your dd now does want to live according to expectations that are more like those that normally apply in the UK. She has made sensible arrangements, taken sensible precautions, she hasn't let anybody down. She is clearly aware of the risks- up to her to decide which ones she wants to take.

If you are somewhere in the world where this is horrendously dangerous, you should probably have said so in your OP.

The OP reads like it was written by someone in the UK
My advice is to step back, step back a bit more and then step right back again for good measure.
Stop being disappointed in your DD for living her life like a decent, responsible 18 year old woman and maybe address your DH's bigotry?

Thanks for all your replies. Yes, we are in Scotland. We are Asian (DH born abroad, but I’m Scottish, which has caused a lot of problems with his family: I’m too “Western” for them, but not Western enough for my Scottish friends). Boyfriend is Indian but born in England. I don’t consider myself rasict (I have many Indian & Pakistani friends), & I volunteer for an ethnic minority charity. However, I know DD & BF will unfortunately face a lot of prejudices regardless how things turn out.

We live in a village with one bus per hr to the nearest town (for buses to city) so my kids are used to being driven about. It is also how I know friends’ parents. I don’t need to check out Uni friends, but we met them at DD’s 18th party (she asked us to include them). A lot of uni spaces are offered to foreign students as they make more fees from them.

I know DD is an adult. Although I have her passcode, I last checked her phone 4yrs ago (bullying issue). As I’ve said, she’s not doing anything “suspicious” to warrant a check. Furthermore, I don’t access her emails - she asks me to look at them to help her understand a letter/ form filling/ check essay etc. I know I’ve mollycoddled her & she’s become too reliant on me & others. That’s why I’ve not filled out her Provisional Licence form (it’s lying on her desk), but if she asks me to check it, I will. I have no problems with her accessing my phone (which she does) or my mail (they do ask first & they will ask me to look at theirs - official letter give to mum!).

I was surprised to learn that most of you think I’m controlling. I always thought I was encouraging DD (to join clubs, go out, meet friends, apply for jobs, learn to drive...) She decided to go to Uni (I thought College would suit her better). I encouraged her to apply further away & we went to visit them.

When she got her place, we looked at buses she could take & we did dummy runs to get her familiar with the routes. I showed her how to purchase her bus pass online, although this term I’ve had to buy it again as website declined her card details. She gets dropped off in town during the day, & this term she’s had to take a taxi home (no bus after 5pm or on Sundays) as I’m working.

Re: babysitting, she doesn’t have to rush back to babysit. There were loads of Freshers events that I tried to encourage DD to attend with friends, but she refused saying it finished too late (8pm). DS can now reheat dishes & learning basics of cooking. However, I’m not keen on them sleeping without someone else at home (safety issue) & DD doesn’t sleep until at least 11.30 (I’m usually home shortly after). DH works long hours (2pm-2am); I work 4.30-11.30, weekends I get home at 1am).

I understand ppl saying online dating is the “norm” & DD could be out partying every night if she’d left home, but she’s really not that “type.” What really surprised me was her arranging to meet up with the BF, someone she’d met online. She struggles to make friends in real life. I’m disappointed she didn’t tell me, but I’m proud she took safety precautions.

I think you do sound racist from your original post- I gather the boyfriend is white and you are not happy with this? I can only imagine the out cry if this was reversed and you were saying you weren't happy!

If she struggles to make friends in real life, then maybe this is why she has found it easier to chat online. She seems to be very sensible in the way she has handled it.

I would look into the bigger picture of why she hasn't told you- scared of this reaction maybe?

Try chat to her and see what she says.

I see the boyfriend is Indian not white- correction to my earlier post but my general point still stands

Perhaps you should be happy she didn’t tell you, it signals growing independence, which seems long overdue. Adult children don’t normally tell their parents everything.

Well I was wrong about you being in Scotland op

I think your daughter sounds incredibly well behaved and conscientious by any standards. I would focus on that positive rather than her meeting a boy online. And it’s great she’s showing signs of wanting to reach out and make friends, whilst being careful about it.

I don’t think you sound racist at all.

I would have thought the Scottish buses were safe enough to use

Imagine if this was a reverse. Way to involved op. She is a fully grown adult. She can go be a porn star if she wants!! Let go, or you will push her away and then she will tell you nothing. Very controlling to look at a adults phone!

She's really not done anything foolish by meeting this guy. People meet online nowadays meaning the chances of an online boyfriend being a dangerous person are no higher than a boyfriend she meets in real life.
She didn't meet at his house or do anything risky.
If her father will be furious then don't tell him. Why would you expose your daughter (who hasn't done anything wrong, and who is being raised in Scotland not Pakistan) to her father's fury needlessly?

I don’t need to check out Uni friends, but we met them at DD’s 18th party (she asked us to include them)

Your DD had to ask you to include her friends in her 18th birthday party??

A huge number first year university students are meeting people on dating apps or going home with people on nights out they’ve just met. Meeting someone on an online game is no different. Your daughter sounds like she approached the situation more sensibly than most. She is an adult and you are being incredibly overbearing.

Your daughter is 18, she's an adult. She can marry, she can have children, she can join the armed forces, live alone, anything she wants basically, and you have to teach her how to catch a bus from A to B and do "dummy runs"?

Unless there's about to he some massive drip feed that she has additional needs, you need to cut the umbilical cord, you're doing her no favours at all.

I had a school friend with a mother like yours. She was terrified of the world because she had been 'babied' her whole life. When she left home and properly experienced the world she became very independent, very quickly, and began to recognise that her mother's behaviour was not helping her, it was controlling her, and their relationship is now in tatters.

You say you are encouraging her to be more independent, but it is on your terms, not hers. If you don't let her go, she will break free on her own.

What really surprised me was her arranging to meet up with the BF, someone she’d met online.

It's no surprise at all . Online is her space, where she can be confident and make her own judgments. Where she doesn't need to rely on her parents to drive her about or decide who she invites to her own party or try to push her into jobs that go against her character. The fact that his family live hundreds of miles away and her family wont be bumping into them any time soon is probably an attraction in itself.

I said to DD to treat this as a friendship rather than a relationship

You can't tell your DD how to feel about her own boyfriend! A polite teenager would have said "it's my life Mum" and many teenagers would have said something a lot ruder than that. But as you say, she is naive and I expect she'll carry on telling you things and you will carry on stamping your own anxieties (about distance, family disapproval, her father's anger, or whatever else) all over her independence.

I understand ppl saying online dating is the “norm” & DD could be out partying every night if she’d left home, but she’s really not that “type.”

Yes we already know she is not that "type". To such an extent that she might have some innate social issues, and for such a person getting a job waitressing or in a shop is not "taking them out of themselves" it's hell on earth. I am glad your DD had the self-assertion to walk out and take a washing-up job that doesn't require endless interaction with the random public, all of whom are demanding and some of whom can be horrible to service staff. And it doesn't matter what "type" she is if she acts independently (and sensibly) without running it past you first and her father is just going to get angry with her and you are going to be disappointed in her.

Ideally your DD needs to leave home and live by herself or with other friends in a place where she can move around easily under her own steam. She sounds sensible but you all sound very enmeshed and not in a healthy way. Presumably having to be "good" to avoid making her father angry is her normal. The danger is that she will eventually leave you not for independence, but for an equally stifling life with a partner who may be abusive as well as controlling, since being controlled and judged and told how to feel is what she is used to.

Oh dear, this is a pivotal moment for your grown up daughter, and your reaction will impact on her future relationships and family life extremely strongly, so Please, Please, tread carefully.

As Kleinzeit writes, “The danger is that she will eventually leave you not for independence, but for an equally stifling life with a partner who may be abusive as well as controlling, since being controlled and judged and told how to feel is what she is used to.”

You need to let her off this incredibly tight leash you’ve got her on, and you need to do it with good graces, not with all this totally inappropriate and self focused nonsense about pretending she’s done ANYTHING wrong here, or somehow should have let you stop it all, as you’d stop a 3yr old doing something ‘naughty’.

So please get your head around it. You are pretending to yourself that your negative feelings come from your daughter having ‘done something wrong’. This is completely untrue. If you have the objectivity to read through your post properly, all you are upset about is that:

1. she’s formed a relationship with a boy and not involved you and asked your permission. But why on earth should she invite you into this most personal and private bit of her life? It’s normal to stop taking mummy with you everywhere when you start to date. You say you encourage her to be more independent, yet the moment she is, your urge is to slap down the behaviour and stop it and the threat it represents. And I mean the threat to you, not any made up ‘threat’ to your daughter. And sensibly, why on earth why on earth would she drag you along to babysit her on a first date when its clear you’ll just squash the whole thing, and stop her beautiful first steps into a world of grown up relationships. She’s super nice and obedient, but she doesn’t sound stupid!

1. She met him online through an interest of her own which you do not share, and she arranged to meet him very safely and abided sensibly by all the guidelines you can find. But again, she didn’t let you have free rein to dominate this most fragile beginning of a private relationship, or to force her to stop spreading her wings in this sweet and most lovely way. There’s no bad behaviour in any of this. You can not punish her or talk her into agreeing to step back into her gilded cage, just because it makes you feel more comfortable. That’s not what being a good parent is about, really... is it? It’s about letting them grow and fulfill their potential, not teaching them to be afraid of the world so they won’t ever want to leave.

1. She met this teenager for lunch with friends then strolled around the city with him for the rest of the afternoon. What a lovely first date. Lovely and so sweet. It’s hardly meeting someone in a nightclub whilst drunk and sniffing the face off him is it?! Yet you have decided to be shocked and judgemental about this lovely gentle first experience of dating.

This says so much about you and nothing at all about your lovely daughter and her first boyfriend.

In the nicest possible way, please question your own motives about why you are more comfortable stunting her natural development from child to teenager, then teenager to adult.

I know it’s hard to watch your children grow and mature, and naturally spread their wings and want more than you alone can provide for them. But it’s part of the circle of life, and if your children are good and loving people, and so are you, then they will always be there in your life.

Of course, if you make it an onerous duty, and force your daughter into a child role, and manipulate her into not being able to date anyone, well... you aren’t exactly setting up a great relationship for the future between you.

She wants to do this, so please think about supporting her rather than playing the jailer.

I was surprised to learn that most of you think I’m controlling. I always thought I was encouraging DD

You can be controlling and encouraging, OP. I don't doubt that you are a caring mum and have your DD's best interests at heart. The bit that makes you controlling is your level of involvement in her life, and the strength of your reaction to her very normal behaviour.

Your poor poor daughter! She's 18, an adult and you check her phone and computer?!?
She sounds very sensible to arrange to meet with her friends there, and you should be happy that she met him in a safe way.
Perhaps she felt that she didn't need to tell you as, A she's an adult, and B she had asked friends to chaperone.

In the nicest possible way you need to let her grow up. We are in a similar situation as dd lives at home for university but I wouldn't dream of accessing her phone or computer (I know her passwords for emergency and she knows mine ). Online is normal now and she was very sensible. You need to give he space to be an adult

I get that you care.. but I think you need to take a step back... what has she actually done wrong? She didnt meet this guy alone, shes not put herself in any danger. Shes an adult. She sounds sensible and a good person. You are massively overreacting and I fel very sorry for her.

Unless it s private jet taking easy jet or ryan air plane does not make him rich. It can be 20£.
So don't assume he is rich!
Get to kn ow him.and chill. Invite him to tea.