Sorry for long post.
DD (18) is @Uni FT, living @home with PT job (1eve washing dishes). She’s v quiet, & reserved, loves reading, & not v good socially or streetwise. Since starting Uni she’s made a few friends, & kept in contact with school friends (4 - all at different Unis). Not joined any clubs, or into drinking, smoking or drugs. What most ppl wld class as a “good girl”: hard working, studious, helps around the house, looks after her younger siblings (15 & 11) while I’m @ work (FT eves since before Christmas). Basically, she’s still behaving like she was @school ie rarely going out with friends unless I nag her to make the effort to contact & arrange things! The only real change is she’s on the Internet a lot more although she will have breaks & put away her phone during dinner & family time.
I have her phone password & have access to it, but rarely check (she’s not doing anything “suspicious”, we talk about internet safety & what she’s doing/ seeing/ playing online etc). She has her dad’s old laptop for Uni & he bought her an iPad Pro (again for Uni). I have been on the laptop (she logs in to show me Uni stuff & access her emails), but not her iPad, which she primarily uses for drawing. Her younger siblings occasionally go on her devices.
She is really a reserved person & not keen on taking public transport (I drop her off @ bus stop during the day & this term she makes her own way home). When we go out to eat, she hates ordering. She hates shopping & is not into fashion or makeup. I tried to get her to work waiting tables or serving in a shop to help her out of her shell, but she refused (left after an hour!)
Two weeks ago she said she’d meet with her school friends so we discussed where they were going & how she was going to get there/ home. In the end, I dropped her off in the city as DS had an event on & little DD & I went to watch him. She later texted to ask if we could meet her as one of the girls had given her a big soft toy which she didn’t want to carry round with her. Knowing where they were, I turned up @the restaurant. The girls were there with a guy, which I hadn’t expected, but assumed he was someone’s Uni friend, although they (including DD) were a little “cagey”. I was told his name & I asked which of the girls he was studying with, to which he said he wasn’t; he’s from England.
Anyway, after a brief conversation (mostly me asking the girls how Uni is) I left with younger DD to collect my son. I bumped into my younger sister & her son who said they were v surprised to see my DD with her boyfriend earlier “holding hands”.
To say I was surprised is an understatement. To learn that he’s someone she’s met online through one of the games she plays, & has gone and made plans to physically meet him is shocking. Frankly I’m disappointed with her behaviour: we’re very close & she tells me most things. Thankfully she’s taken precautions by asking her friends along & meeting him in a public place, and when I questioned her after work she said it was their first meeting & they’ve spoken on the phone & WhatsApp calls for the last fortnight. She admitted her friends left them after lunch, & I know she didn’t get home until nearly 8pm. She even made dinner for herself when she got in!
This is her first “boyfriend”, whom she’s been chatting online since Oct. I have heard her mention his name before (she refers to him as the “cat person”) & she’s shown me photos of his cats & kittens. She’s previously said he was from London & rich (he apparently took plane up & stayed in another city for two days with his brothers).
i haven’t had the chance to talk to her properly today as she was @ Uni all day & afterwards we were at a family gathering & got back late. I’m not sure what to say to her either. DH doesn’t know: he will be furious, esp as he’s from a different culture & we are v “traditional”. Plus, the guy is from England, so there’s that distance thing (which I’m not keen on at all: it’s not as if we can just “pop round” to meet him/ his family.) I’ve met all her school friends & family, & most of her Uni friends (not their family as most are from abroad). Anyway, I said to DD to treat this as a friendship rather than a relationship partly due to the distance. She told me they’d take turns travelling (for a girl who hates going anywhere & needs someone to go on a journey with her at least once!)
Yes, I realise she’s no longer a little girl, but really she’s not at all independent. She’s quite immature for her age & looks much younger than her more streetwise, but younger cousin. I really don’t know what to say, without sounding overbearing(?) & pushing her away. Any advice/ thoughts please.