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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager out of control and violent (Aspergers)

86 replies

paulfoel · 05/02/2019 23:48

Posted about him many times I'm sure....

15 now, big lad. Got a diagnosis of Aspergers.

Not sure if its related to Aspergers or just general bad teenager behaviour. Like most he doesn't listen, makes a mess, is moody and stroppy. Normal I guess. One thing is he generally believes hes so hard done by and thinks we pick on him. In all honestly, he gets away with murder.

We try not to get into arguments with him. We warn him then we remove PC priveleges. But he wont take and gets VERY aggressive. He just cannot control himself. In the past, hes been violent towards me.

Today, after some typical lazy behaviour that he'd been warned for, he got a 1 day ban. Then he got in my wifes face in a very threatening way. Thing is he would have been back on there by tommorow but hes made it 1000x times worse now.

Hes a big lad. What do I do here? Yes understand teenagers can be a nightmare but surely being aggressive towards your mother is just a bit too far.

Ultimately, I can see me calling the Police one day and getting him arrested.

How to deal?

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 15/02/2019 10:04

autismwestmidlands.org.uk/asset/2017/11/PDA-1.pdf

Teenager out of control and violent (Aspergers)
OneMoreForExtra · 15/02/2019 10:09

Hi OP, the people I know who've done NVR have been referred by social services or via membership organisations who run the course. Your best bet might be to contact the National Autistic Society and ask whether they can help put you in touch with a provider. Good luck, no really hope you can all get out of this awful situation

Original poster
paulfoel · 15/02/2019 12:01

Spoke to CAMHS (who are useless again - no change).

They said phone the police or refer to social services is all they can do?

Has anyone gone down either of these paths? How did it work out?

OP posts:
Gershwin · 15/02/2019 13:17

I am a foster carer and have done medium term and therapeutic foster caring for teenage boys with Aspergers. They have come to stay with me when the relationship with their parents has broken down and the poor parents are at their wits end.

The most useful strategy we've found here is to treat the child like a lodger. So take all the emotion out of it. They have their room, set meal times, are always welcome to come and do family stuff if they fancy, but no pressure to do so. If they misbehave, we explain in a matter of fact voice what the problem was but there are no 'punishments' and no bad feelings from us afterwards. One of our long term boys said he couldn't understand why he would do something wrong one evening, would be told off for it, and the next morning his parents would still be cross with him.

Obviously this strategy doesn't work for all the children, but a friendly but slightly detached relationship has worked more often than not here.

Original poster
paulfoel · 15/02/2019 13:38

@Gershwin You must have the patience of a saint honestly :-)

Yes I can see what you mean. We have tried to pick our battles with son, and be calm as you say. BUT it got to the point where we'd literally ask 10 times and he still didnt do it. He'd have warning after warning. We let lots of stuff go but it started to affect others in the house.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you deal with that? E.g. One of the boys makes a mess, or breaks something in a common area. You tell him to clean up the mess or let you know when things get broken. He doesnt. It keeps happening - then what?

Or how do you cope when a boy is aggressive WITHOUT being told off in the first instance? We've had instances where son has come down the stairs and screamed in wifes face that his clothes are not clean (usually when they were left stuffed down the side of his bed!).

I appreciate that the parent needs to be the calm one and not carry it over to the next day. Today my wife is in work covered in bruises administered by her own son. Its difficult.

OP posts:
BigGreenOlives · 15/02/2019 13:49

A friend of mine has a similar situation with a slightly older child. They have had to call the police a number of times. Each time the police have come as a pair, one is tough on him, the other kinder telling the child what a lovely home they have etc. They are calling the police as they are scared of their child who is bigger and stronger than either of them.

It’s heart breaking. I’m sorry you are experiencing this with your son.

sugarbum · 15/02/2019 14:17

sorry you are having these problems. I'm concerned our DS1 is heading the same way. A lot of this sounds like his behaviour already. Not the violence, although he does have a temper. I think a lot of it is attention seeking, but he hates doing anything with us (always has, thats not new) Whacks himself in the face and so on.
He has had no diagnosis, but I've always suspected he is on the spectrum. Cannot get a diagnosis because here, the school have to refer them. And he is well behaved at school. So the school refused point blank.
I'm never quite sure what is standard teen behaviour or not (he isn't a teen - he's nearly 12, but he hit puberty early and is way bigger than average for his age)

Original poster
paulfoel · 15/02/2019 14:24

@Biggreenolives But they've had to call them twice so 1st time didnt make that much of an impression I guess?

So they just had a word and didn't take him away or anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 15/02/2019 14:28

@sugarbum Hmmm. Sounds a LOT like our son. We got to parents evening and we're sure they've mixed the kids up. School were useless as well. We got a referral in the end because we paid for counselling and the counsellor did it.

Took years though to get the diagnosis. We had to fight to get medication and ended up paying a consultant £400.

Our son was a right PITA when he was 12. Same as yours. Temper and really bad behaviour. Sorry.....

Now ours is 15. Hes almost 6ft. Has no boundaries at all. Think he can do what he wants and, it appears, to use violence when he wants.

Know what you mean. Hes got Aspergers and we know we probably don't do it right but where does that end and bad teen behaviour start......

OP posts:
Original poster
paulfoel · 15/02/2019 14:31

Happened last night. Wish I had called the Police to be honest.

I don't want to traumatise him but he it does need to sink in how serious things are. We've got a nice PCO lady who covers our area. OK shes nice but shes still Police.

Not sure if its too late since it happened yesterday. I think a visit from her would do wonders. She wouldn't really have to say too much I don't think - just being there may help.

OP posts:
ohmywhattodo · 15/02/2019 14:42

You need to back off. Our eldest (undx ASD) DD. Went through a terrible patch at 13 (puberty) and I got injured on a number of occasions. Forget everything you’ve ever thought about parenting and realise NOW that consequences won’t work. I hat her bedroom being untidy but at the time she just couldn’t handle the demand of me telling her to tidy it - this caused her to blow up big time so guess what we did? We stopped asking her! Back off for a bit and then start all over again and READ REAC READ about PDA - even if your son doesn’t have it the strategies will help you!! You’ll feel like you’re giving in but you’re not! Take a step back and look at the long game. Also, once he’s coming out the other side of puberty I FULLY expect his behaviour to improve considerably with no input from anyone.

ohmywhattodo · 15/02/2019 14:42

Hate not hat!

Kleinzeit · 15/02/2019 15:04

Or how do you cope when a boy is aggressive WITHOUT being told off in the first instance? We've had instances where son has come down the stairs and screamed in wifes face that his clothes are not clean (usually when they were left stuffed down the side of his bed!).

I know this sounds crazy but does your wife try to reassure him? Heaven bless him, he's in a total panic and mental breakdown over not having his laundry done. He can't reason rationally or understand that if he hits someone he will be punished, he's just not in that space right then. He needs someone to solve his laundry panic right now. To him that problem is bigger than the whole world. He can't see or hear or understand anything else until that is out of the way.

So first you do whatever is necessary to get him calmed down. Get the clothes washed somehow or other. Sympathise with his problem, apologise, it doesn't matter, he's not taking in a thing anyone says except maybe to get more agitated and more angry. He's in a state of cognitive disarray. If there is really no way to calm him down safely then you do the call police. Otherwise, you do anything at all that keeps everybody physically safe and gets him back to a calm rational state.

Later on (maybe days later) when he is calm you try to have those Dr Greene type problem solving conversations with him. You want to help him have clean clothes and not get stressed about clothes being dirty. So what is the issue for him about getting his clothes clean? What is the laundry process? Does he know the laundry process? Why are clothes being stuffed down the side of the bed instead of going in the washing basket? What are the solutions? Can he have a regular time to look down the side of the bed and transfer clothes to the basket? Who is in charge of washing? Can they look down the side of the bed? etc. It may take several conversations, but as long as everybody keeps in mind that this is not about making him keep his own clothes clean, nor about trying to make him feel grateful, it is just about keeping him calm enough to think straight and find a solution to the laundry problem, you might get there.

It wont be immediate. He'll scream in your face again over something else. But just him knowing that you will try to solve his problem may help him calm down more quickly next time, or the time after. Try to respond to the content of what he is saying "please mother dear I am in distress and I urgently need my washing done could you be so kind" rather than the way he is saying it.

The fact that your DS copes in school is very hopeful. We were the other round - DS mostly coped at home (calm, routine, few demands, adapted to his needs) but not in school (lots of kids, lots of demands, plenty stress) - but knowing he could cope in some situations was reassuring for the future.

BigGreenOlives · 15/02/2019 15:20

@paulfoel my friend’s child has a very complicated back history which I will not go into on a public forum but the police were called as the family were at risk of their child’s violence.

Gershwin · 15/02/2019 16:33

Kleinzeit - really good post. We had a boy who fell out with his mum over laundry. The solution was a washing basket in his bedroom and also the bathroom. Clean stuff was put away for him. He was useless at tidying, so I whipped round with the vacuum when he was at school. He did like mowing, so he did that when he was amenable and got loads of praise. The more praise and the less expectation the easier he became. I am sure it's a different matter fostering rather than being the parent, because you aren't emotionally invested.

poobumwee · 15/02/2019 20:21

OP just messaged you
@Vodkaknockers We have had to lock all knives away
your situation sounds very similar to ours!

poobumwee · 15/02/2019 20:27

@Gershwin we need someone like you!

Original poster
paulfoel · 16/02/2019 14:03

I had a chat with his CAMHS psych yesterday and he did mention PDA. However, he did say that in his professional opinion our sons ASD (and PDA if any) was very mild and he had no reason to believe that he does not have the capacity to understand what he should not be doing.

Hes also said he doesnt have OCD (this is what started this off years ago) but its a habit with him and not true OCD.

Hes also said (as have other councillors) that never have they seem someone so apathetic and difficult to get through to or get any sense out of. He just will not engage.

Surprising I must say.

@kleinzeit Honestly we;ve tried all this and more for months and months. We've tried to work with him and he agrees then still doesnt do it. We've tried to let things go. We've tried to minimize the house rules to an absolute minimum and make it clear.
In all honesty, I think it made him worse not better. He worked out I think that he could get away with things, and if he shouted we'd back down. He decided he wasn't going to bother with homework any more because we weren't going to "make him". He went from backing down if you told him no to something to getting in your face and screaming "so what are you going to do about it". He even once said if we phoned social he'd tell them we were hitting him.

Obviously, we can't give him free rein totally. There are other people in the house inc his 5 year old sister.

That we could put up with though but its the aggression and violence. Like I said he put his mother in hospital on Thursday - in my book thats pretty critical. Its gone past the try this and try that stage now.

OP posts:
Gershwin · 16/02/2019 17:09

You're clearly at the end of your tethers with him. Have you spoken to social services? Do you have any respite at all? Does he do any clubs?

Kleinzeit · 16/02/2019 17:56

Phew, that sounds really tough and extreme - surely not just "normal teen behaviour". I'm so sorry you are all going through this Flowers

TowandaForever · 16/02/2019 18:02

@Kleinzeit

Can you the explain the autistic rage cycle please. (Apologies if you have further down the thread)

TowandaForever · 16/02/2019 18:24

@Kleinzeit

So much that you are posting resonates with me!!!

That idea that you are telepathic is something my child does too.

TowandaForever · 16/02/2019 18:26

@paulfoel

My child does not respond to punishments or consequences etc. In fact it was one of the first things that made me realise my child was 'different' pre diagnosis.

TowandaForever · 16/02/2019 18:35

@paulfoel

I thought there was no such thing as 'mild' asd? Just how badly a person struggles with asd?

Camhs were useless in our case too. Had to contact our mp and use the complaints procedure multiple times.

Social services refused to help previously.

I called them two weeks ago this Wednesday to ask for help and they haven't even returned my call.

Original poster
paulfoel · 16/02/2019 23:34

@towandaforever Wow two weeks ago and they haven't called back?

Not found anyone that isnt useless yet (apart from the guy who cost us £400 for two appointments). Its scandalous how little help is out there to be honest.

OP posts:
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