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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is this a bit off?

33 replies

Room101isWhereIUsedtoLive · 26/01/2019 06:59

Asking for a friend. Over Christmas her ds was with his dad. He is 13. Anyway the day after boxing day her ds got up at three in the morning and made himself some leftovers.
When his dad discovered this the following day, he grounded her ds and removed all electronics etc.
She thinks this is totally ott but often doubts herself and she has a hard time trying to get her ex to be reasonable, so on this note, does anyone here think this is a bit off? Or just normal parenting that most people think is totally resonable and understandable?

OP posts:
Phillipa12 · 26/01/2019 07:20

He grounded his ds. But why did he get up at 3am to make a snack? I must admit at 13 grounding and removing electronics is a bit ott for what is technically a snack but maybe im a bit relaxed. Bigger battles and all that!

ElizabethMainwaring · 26/01/2019 07:22

I think it's awful. Did the father think that his son eating some food was actually stealing from him?

FlagFish · 26/01/2019 07:22

Sorry, but I think she needs to step back and not interfere. It's a little OTT and not something I'd do personally, but once you are separated you don't get to tell your ex how to parent, unless we're talking about abuse or something much more serious than this.

Original poster
Room101isWhereIUsedtoLive · 26/01/2019 07:28

The ds got up and made some food because he was hungry which is why he had woken up. After eating he went back to bed.

The dad found the plate he had used next to the sink in the morning which is when my friends ds told him he had a snack.
The ds knows he is meant to ask permission for food at his dad's but at three in the morning wasn't going to wake someone up to ask.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 26/01/2019 07:35

I think it's ridiculous. A 13 year old boy should not need to ask permission to have food in his own home.

Seniorschoolmum · 26/01/2019 07:35

It depends. Is the ds badly over-weight? Is the dad trying to stop his son over eating? It was Christmas, most people eat a lot during the day so why did he need a snack in the middle of the night?
What did he take? If someone had got up in the night and eaten the smoked salmon planned for next day’s visitors, I’d have been pretty fed up too.

anniehm · 26/01/2019 07:40

It depends if it's part of a bigger overeating pattern or he ate food designated for dinner the next day. Very odd to get up and make yourself such a substantial snack a plate is needed - a biscuit is more normal, and I mean 1 or 2 max. Unless the dad is deliberately withholding food I would be miffed if mine ate in the night, I wouldn't be as harsh punishment wise but I would tell them it's not appropriate to eat in the night and it's gluttonous.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2019 07:42

That's terrible, and why does he have to ask for food, the child was hungry, what was he supposed to do, lie there hungry waiting for his dad to wake up.

His dad is well out of line.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2019 07:44

I would be miffed if mine ate in the night, I wouldn't be as harsh punishment wise but I would tell them it's not appropriate to eat in the night and it's gluttonous

WTAF? You'd also punish and consider is gluttonous? That's so controlling and fucked up.

CarolDanvers · 26/01/2019 07:46

Absolutely ridiculous. And why does his mother need to "step back"? Doesn't sound like she's said anything to him and his just questioning herself if it's reasonable. I'd be really upset if my children were stuck in an environment where they were punished strenuously for having a snack.

junebirthdaygirl · 26/01/2019 07:52

Did he leave a big mess? Had he stayed up gaming until then without his fathers permission?

Otherwise it is awful. Over the holidays their body clocks are all over the place through sleeping late etc so not unusual to wake up at odd time.
And not unusual for a growing lad to be hungry. Punishment completely over the top. But don't worry he will be voting with his feet before long and will be deciding he doesn't want to visit his dad especially over night.

Original poster
Room101isWhereIUsedtoLive · 26/01/2019 08:00

No weight problems. All electronic devices are kept in the Dad's room when not being used at allowed times.
I don't think the ds would have left a big mess, he is very good at tidying up after himself from having been around him at my friends house.
He didn't disturb anyone else while he was doing it, just woke up, felt hungry, ate some left overs and went back to bed.
Her ds knows he is meant to ask before taking food at his dad's house but at three in the morning didn't want to wake anyone.

OP posts:
saphycat · 26/01/2019 08:08

@anniehm if you tell your children it's gluttonous to eat when they are hungry they're going to end up with eating disorders. I'm speaking from experience there. And what is 'normal' for you might not be normal for others.

ChristinaMarlowe · 26/01/2019 08:09

@anniehm sorry but you sound like a crank.
Anything more than two biscuits is odd?!
Cereal? A Weetabix and milk, but no bowl obviously, that would be gluttonous

Agree with pp, depends what he ate and whether it was for a meal/etc. and other snack things were equally available. Without those facts it sounds ott. Teenage kids can need different sleeping and eating patterns that seem crazy to adults, it's temporary. A snack is fine, a mini roast dinner and pudding is not.

Original poster
Room101isWhereIUsedtoLive · 26/01/2019 08:45

He took some leftovers from the fridge, not food that was designated for anything else.
I personally think its weird that he has to ask permission before eating any food. It strikes me as very controlling.
I mean if your child is staring into the fridge, I can imagine a conversation along the lines of 'please don't eat the carrots they are for dinner tonight' but the ex husband has a blanket ban on ds (and his step-brothers/sisters) from helping themselves to anything at all.

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 26/01/2019 08:59

OMG really? Come to my house! Midnight snacks and teenagers seem to go hand in hand ime. My eldest has form for this. Grounding him for it is extreme. And if it's a one off, even more so.

LovingLola · 26/01/2019 09:01

What was the dad like before your friend separated from him ? Was he always very strict ?

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/01/2019 09:08

The dad sounds like a controlling ogre.

SuchAToDo · 26/01/2019 09:09

Did he eat left overs that was supposed to be used towards the next days meal?(if so you can understand the dad being annoyed )

Did he have to use the cooker/hob to heat them up?(maybe the dad was worried about fire hazard risk if the son accidentally started a fire or fell asleep and left it on)

Also why couldn't he have had a sandwich or a slice of toast...or a biscuit or a piece of fruit..

ragged · 26/01/2019 09:10

yanbu, it's Controlling shit.

namechangedtoday15 · 26/01/2019 09:26

So it's not even your DS? You probably do not know the full story - could be that DS had asked before he went to bed, father said no knowing how much he'd eaten (so going against fathers wishes). Might be simply over indulgence that father wants to stop / worried he'd be sick. Might be that visitors/ family were planning to eat it the next day and with it being Boxing Day, would be difficult to replace. Might be that he didnt clear up etc etc.

I'd bet 100% there's a back story here or more to it than the father simply being annoyed about DS eating the food.

Original poster
Room101isWhereIUsedtoLive · 26/01/2019 09:27

The ex was very controlling to my friend. One of the many reasons he is an ex.
When her ds goes to his dads, there are loads of rules they have to follow.
Its really hard on my friend because as we all know, you are not meant to criticise your ex to your children and the ex is a very well off, highly intelligent and manipulative in the extreme.
I've read on here previously, that these sorts of people get seen through by people but he is sucessful and able to live a very comfortable life.

OP posts:
Ilovechristmaslights · 26/01/2019 09:30

Poor kid(s).

Here, they ask if it’s ok to have ‘xyz’ - I suppose it’s a hang over from when they were little, but I don’t discourage it because sometimes dinner is almost ready or I need the last bit of cheese or whatever for dinner, but it’s all very casual and I don’t think they feel they ‘have to ask before eating any food’. If it's not near dinner or there’s loads of something they’d just help themselves if they wanted to. At 3am a meal is not about to be ready and they’d help themselves without even thinking about it ‍🤷🏻‍♀️

They also know I’d be murderous if they woke me to ask me if they could have a snack 🤣. Mind you, they all sleep like the dead and none of them would leave cosy beds to get food.

I wonder if her ex is as awful as he sounds or if there’s a reason? Like one of the others having weight/food issues or being on a very tight budget and having lots of kids hoovering up food or possibly worried about a house fire etc (one little friend, her Dad lost a sibling to a house fire and she’s not allowed to do lots of ‘normal’ things).

If DS didn’t want to go anymore I’d supoort him and if he did want to go I’d give him snacks to take (he could keep in his bag).

CarolDanvers · 26/01/2019 09:37

I'd bet 100% there's a back story here or more to it than the father simply being annoyed about DS eating the food.

I’d bet there isn’t. Some people are just weird and controlling around food as we’ve seen on this thread. My own mother was like this. Would actually become very aggressive if her children helped themselves to food. We didn’t dare to as teenagers.

Ilovechristmaslights · 26/01/2019 09:37

Cross posted with you (and a few others).

as we all know, you are not meant to criticise your ex to your children

It’s one thing to continually say he’s a ‘cheating, lying scumbag that should drop dead’ and quite another to acknowledge he’s very controlling and intimidating (or whatever). By NOT acknowledging this type of thing, innhervsons eyes, she’s saying it’s OK. That’s FAR more damaging. She’ll end up with her DS becoming like his father.