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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD wants me to be her credit card

71 replies

ragged · 25/01/2019 20:48

17yo, profligate spender. Earns £20/week in a retail job.

Briefly thought she had busted her phone the other night so suggested that we could buy a phone for her & she'd pay us back in installments (for like forever, she wants £300 type phones). We already pay for her monthly phone charge.

I said she should save up for another phone.
AIBU... or what would you do? I could literally haul out an old Android very horrible phone for her, but she'd shriek in horror at that.

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 26/01/2019 11:48

Sorry you can afford to pay for school . Sounds like she works hard at school.

I don’t think £300 is expensive . My Ds 11 has just had recon I phone for £250. ( his savings btw)

When is her birthday?

LovingLola · 26/01/2019 11:52

I think I live on another plant sometimes. A 17 year old at a demanding educational stage in her life and her mother wants her to work on Saturdays to earn £20???

LovingLola · 26/01/2019 11:54

A A A would be enough for most courses so I wonder why she’s doing 4*

For fucks sake. Maybe the girl is doing 4 because 3 A* is not enough for the course she wants to do???:??

Romanov · 26/01/2019 11:55

@TearingUpMyHeart

You sound financially controlling and difficult.

How is op controlling by not wanting to buy a £300 phone?

TearingUpMyHeart · 26/01/2019 11:56

Thread is either a wind up or the facts are

Op pays for private school
Op has a daughter studying for 4 A levels (not actually allowed at state schools near me as current study burden is considered too high)
Ops daughter is on line for highest grades in all 4. Imagine how much work this takes
Op refuses to pay for driving lessons despite paying for private school, thus disadvantaging her daughter massively in comparison to her actual peer group (at private school)
Op considers £20 a week spending to be profligate
Op only buys her daughter basic clothing
Op controls spending apart from daughter's own earnings, but also criticises her daughter's spending choices with her personal money, and including fictional spending (phone was not actually broken)

TearingUpMyHeart · 26/01/2019 11:58

Op was not asked to buy phone - but to enable child who is too young to qualify for the monthly contracts most of us use to buy a phone and dd would pay back in instalments.

BreakfastAtLitanies · 26/01/2019 12:09

Umm those saying "you can afford private school so why not give her more money"

I'm assuming this private school is quite expensive, and she's already spending that money on her daughter! The private school is giving her DD a great chance at A-Levels, and costs a lot... surely this needs to be taken into account?

I wouldn't have expected my parents to buy me new phones ever as a teenager, let alone if they were already paying to put me through private school.

TearingUpMyHeart · 26/01/2019 12:16

Ops dd didnt actually expect her to buy it ... more to pay upfront and she would pay back in instalments. What alternative does she realistically have? I have phone insurance for my kids so they don't have to face finding £300 when under 18 and still at school without a proper wage. If they need a new phone, we agree it out of their allowance on a contract deal for example, or if cheaper - I front it, they pay me back. No big deal.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 26/01/2019 12:22

From 16 I was working 3 days after school from 4 till 8 and all day Saturday and Sunday. I also managed to get straight A's in my highers and advanced highers and fit in weekly music lessons and driving lessons (and I'm from a very wealthy background so I didn't need to work, but my parents weren't going to payroll me for the rest of my life and thought I should learn).

She can work more hours if she wants to buy more stuff. Plenty of us have done it.

WH1SPERS · 26/01/2019 12:24

A A A would be enough for most courses so I wonder why she’s doing *

For fucks sake. Maybe the girl is doing 4 because 3 A is not enough for the course she wants to do???:??

What course would that be Lola ? Which course requires higher A level grades than 3 A* ?

TearingUpMyHeart · 26/01/2019 12:29

My great grandparents worked in a cotton factory part time from the age of 8 (part time was 30 hours) and went to school, then worked all their lives.

Doesn't mean I want my kids doing it

Op's dd sounds okay, not profligate.

Yulebealrite · 26/01/2019 12:33

I don't think she was that unreasonable to suggest it but then yanbu tho refuse it either.

Tbh I've agreed in similar circumstances.

justasking111 · 26/01/2019 12:43

DS chose a new phone from Tesco, he is under 18 so bank of dad set it up. DS pays the £23 a month by dd to dad.

EngagedAgain · 26/01/2019 13:00

I've not rtft, so not sure how well off you are although did notice you got other children who are savers? How well off you are should be irrelevant really because continually bailing your daughter out is not the answer. Even if you're quite comfortable, one thing leads to another, and before you know it you would have wasted thousands on her. I have had bitter experience of this and a few other people I know. If you do decide to pay for her phone, make it clear AND stick to it it's not going to become a habit.

Original poster

ragged · 26/01/2019 15:12

@WH1SPERS : doing 4 A levels b/c she wanted the challenge. Makes her happy to get best grades she can get (4xA-levels would be allowed at local state schools, btw).

I suppose replies prompt a different question but better for another thread. If anyone wants to help me phrase it. Something like:

"If your own needs (pension, house, holidays, desired fripperies, savings for a rainy day) are met comfortably should you just spend all your extra cash on whatever your children want? Alternatively, should you spend all the extra wealth not on (category 1) things they want, but on (category 2) things that will benefit them, such as driving lessons, owning a car, their car insurance, best schools (help me with more examples... swim lessons?). Is it morally wrong to NOT spend it all on your children (at least category 2 items) when "you can afford it" ? How does one define the difference between category 1 & category 2?

Bill Gates & Mark Zuckerberg chose not to spend it all on their kids.

OP posts:

supergrains · 26/01/2019 15:30

Ragged I'm sorry but you sound like a horrid resentful mum.

MrsChollySawcutt · 26/01/2019 15:34

I certainly wouldn't want my DD to be spending her whole weekend working a job when is she was studying 4 A levels. Losing her Sunday is bad enough.

She sounds like a good kid, hard working with her head screwed on. You sound like you are determined to find fault and penny pinch.

£20 a week doesn't go far. If you have the money to buy a lower end smartphone (which is all £300 will get you) and DD is going to pay you for it in instalments then why not? She isn't asking for the moon and she is proposing a sensible interest free way to obtain the phone.

My DD16 sounds similar to your DD. I am very happy to pay for her phone (iPhone 8) and will be paying for her driving lessons when she turns 17 later in the year. She works hard and deserves to be supported. I give her a weekly allowance to spend on essentials and pay for clothes etc as needed.

If you can't afford it, very that's different. But you say you can, so why don't you want to support your child while they are working hard in full time education?

Surfingtheweb · 26/01/2019 16:10

£20 a week is not a lot of money? When my 17 yo dropped her phone down the loo she went on giff gaff & ordered a new phone that night, not the one she would have wanted but still an I phone. She now has a good job that's well paid along with going to college & asked me the other day if I would like her to pay me rent (I said no she's in education & working part time) Now she has her own money she pays for everything for herself. I think you should replace her phone if she needs it & you can afford it & when she earns more she can pay for her own things.

Aquiver · 26/01/2019 16:16

@ragged - I am being gentle here, but if you already pay for her entertainment, going out spends etc, then I can see why she feels somewhat entitled to ask you for money for a new phone.

ChakiraChakra · 26/01/2019 17:33

I think she blows her dosh on potions, jewellery, frivolous clothing, makeup, occasional gifts, Starbucks or other entertainment.

Can anybody rely blow their dosh and be frivolous on £20 a week?

Back in the day I earned £15 on a saturday morning, went shopping the sales in the afternoon for a new top, wore it to the local snooker club in the evening, had a couple of drinks and got a taxi or chips on the way home on that money. I suppose you'd think that was frivolous but that's how I chose to spend it and I was happy. She's doing intensive A levels, so I think it's fair that she doesn't work more than half a day, and I also think it's fair that she's allowed to spend some money on entertainment - or perhaps you'd rather she didn't spend anything and never went anywhere and was miserable and stressed out with exams and nothing nice to counter it.

justasking111 · 26/01/2019 18:06

DS doing 4 A levels is only allowed to work one shift in term time 8 hours at the weekend. He can work more in holidays. Because he wanted a particular phone v. expensive he has to pay £23 a month for it. He is saving up for a holiday when exams are all over. He does buy some of his own clothes ASOS parcels arrive in the post now and again. We do pay for his lunch breaks at work and other bits and pieces. He is going to have to learn to budget in Uni. so we have been attempting to teach him budgeting.

I think if you think in general your DD is sensible with money then do what you think fit.

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