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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

The latest crisis

46 replies

anorak · 03/09/2004 17:37

Sorry, boring old anorak's dd1 again .

She normally babysits most Saturday evenings for us and we give her a good monthly allowance for it. During the holidays I gave given her more freedom and she has been to nightclubs with her friends on Under-18's nights.

She has just announced that she wants to carry on going there every Saturday and is no longer willing to babysit. I said that I wasn't planning to have her out clubbing during term-time - year 11 is a tough year. I said that if she co-operates I will allow her to go at half-term and in the school holidays.

She flatly refused and said that she is going to go clubbing every week with or without permission. I told her that I would withdraw every kind of support this family now offers her, financial and otherwise, and she said she doesn't care. She says she doesn't need money, her friends will help her.

I'm disgusted and furious and totally at a loss as to how to prevent her carrying out her threat. If anyone has a suggestion for me that doesn't involve actual bodily harm I would be very grateful.

OP posts:

AuntyQuated · 03/09/2004 17:51

oh dear, i do feel for you. if you ban her outright you maybe setting yourself up for more trouble. is a compromise possible? could she go every other saturday if she has been helpful in other ways during the week?

MummyToSteven · 03/09/2004 17:54

agree with auntyquated that a further compromise rather than an outright ban may be better. would also suggest that you don't make too big a fuss about what she does - if she goes out on Saturday, maybe signal your disapproval by making her cook her own food on Sunday, not giving her lifts etc, whilst not getting involved in rowing with her. I would be very surprised if her friends were willing to sub her week in week out - i doubt they would have that sort of money floating round.

Original poster

anorak · 03/09/2004 17:56

Hi AQ, I already offered her the chance to be more helpful around here and make us feel more inclined to compromise with her. She flatly refused. She is never available for me when I need a hand with anything and DD2 ends up doing all the helping. I have to nag and nag to get her to do the smallest of chores. I am thinking maybe just stop all the chores and all the allowance.

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StickyNote · 03/09/2004 17:58

How old is your dd anorak? (not yet got to grips with "years" yet)

posyhairdresser · 03/09/2004 18:07

Compromise is better than conflict - and there is no harm in you making the first move IMHO.

Withdrawing all family support is an extreme reaction - you could say to her (in a supportive way) that whilst you want her to enjoy herself, it is also important that she pulls her weight in the family and keeps up with her school work.

Tell her that if she can balance these demands sensibly then you will contribute lifts and funds - if not then you will not help her in this way - and then ask her if she understands why you are taking this approach.

Then tell her how grateful you have been for her babysitting to date and how proud you are of her school achievements.

fio2 · 03/09/2004 18:12

you are just goiung to have to be really strict with her. You cant let her get away with speaking to you like that. You are in charge. I have no helpful suggestions but how awful for you. i am not looking forward to this teenage stuff Jan

Original poster

anorak · 03/09/2004 18:14

She is 15 years and 3 days old.

The problem with being conciliatory is that I have been too conciliatory in the past and she has now turned into someone who takes, takes, takes, without a thought for anyone else. I have always praised her acheivements and now I think she thinks she is cleverer than all of us and that we are just sorry losers. That's the way she treats us, anyway.

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JanH · 03/09/2004 18:15

Oh, anorak

Do you think her friends will really be happy to sub her every week? Do you think their parents are willing to let them go every week? I mean it might be a group effort to try to nobble all the parents and make them agree...how much money do they all have for heaven's sake? Do they all have huge allowances? They can't have proper part-time jobs yet, they're only 15!

Even on an U 18s night it can't be cheap (though presumably they don't serve alcohol, but soft drinks can be expensive too).

Will she talk to you long enough to reach a compromise? Every other week or something? I mean going out as such isn't that bad, even in Y11, if it's only Saturday night and no weeknights out - she wouldn't be doing any studying if she was babysitting anyway. I don't think going out some of the time is too bad, as long as a) you're pretty confident that she's getting enough sleep and doing all her coursework etc the rest of the time, and b) she helps around the house a bit as well.

Good luck....[weak smile!]

posyhairdresser · 03/09/2004 18:18

I think teenagers are actually very fragile, despite outward appearances!

Maybe you have been too conciliatory in the past but in that case be careful you don't swing to the other extreme!

It is probably worth telling her that you think she thinks you are a sorry loser - it's quite possible that underneath that is how she feels about herself.

JanH · 03/09/2004 18:31

Do you know I hadn't registered when her birthday is! She is the youngest in the year then - I wonder if part of this is her keeping up with the Joneses, some of them will be 16 very soon, won't they?

Maybe suggesting every other week was a bit lenient given your original standpoint - how about starting at once a month and then bartering from there? I honestly don't think it's worth trying to impose a blanket ban on termtime activities.

NB I am saying all this from a position of great hindsight. I tried to be just as strict as you about DD1 - DD2 did everything much sooner because she went out with DD1! (And DD1 got up to all sorts of things I only found out about afterwards but it was fine! )

(I wrote this out about 15 mins ago and then my connection froze, have just had a v frustrating time getting back on!)

vict17 · 03/09/2004 18:45

Do you mean she babysits your dd2 every Saturday night while you go out? Perhaps she might feel more co-operative if you do something with her on a Saturday night? Like go to the cinema late afternoon/early evening. It could be she feels 'put upon' so is trying to assert her independence this way?

Original poster

anorak · 03/09/2004 18:53

No, we don't go every Saturday. And we often do things with the kids, but she never wants to come any more, we are 'so boring'. Last Saturday we took the other 2 to a family party, for instance, and she went out with her friends.

JanH, I was hoping you would post, I do value your opinions on this.

Thing is, DD1 pushes and pushes us and hardly does anything in return. Three days ago I aquiesced to all her wishes for her birthday, gave her a stack of presents, money to take her friends out for the evening, and had them all round for cocktails and cake. I was happy to do it, but the fact is she uses us for such things and here we are three days later and she is not willing to have a care about our side of it. My dh is suffering with high blood pressure due to stress and when I ask her to please not be rude and provocative to him, she blanks me saying she doesn't care about him, for example.

If she were a little more caring to the rest of the family I'd be bending over backwards to help enable her to do what she wants. But all the time she is rude and nasty to all of us.

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JanH · 03/09/2004 19:04

She keeps doing this, doesn't she? Just when you think you're getting somewhere. And her attitude to DH would make me boil too...but then again she is being an articulate teenage toddler as your friend pointed out (forgotten her name, sorry ) and lashing out at the easiest person to hurt.

She is just soooo unreasonable! It makes it much harder to come to some kind of arrangement...

Kayleigh · 03/09/2004 19:14

oh anorak, so sorry she is playing up again .
I'll be a shoulder and ear for you on weds. Sorry, not very good with advice on this stage though, mine are way too young.

Original poster

anorak · 03/09/2004 19:16

Even what people remember about the compromises made with their parents when they were that age could help. I'm really grateful for any suggestions in fact.

Perhaps lovely AmericanAngle will speak to me?

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StickyNote · 03/09/2004 19:55

I've been thinking about this all through putting the kids to bed and trying to remember what it's like to be 15 (and then trying to forget very quickly - horrible). She sounds like she desperately wants to be an adult but hasn't quite grasped the fact that adults have to make a LOT of compromises along the way. You're starting from a position where she's going out every weekend/doing no jobs and you have countered with no allowance/lifts etc. Can you explain to her that you can both shift your positions until you reach a compromise you're both happy with? Would you be happy with her going out each weekend with a reasonable home time and an agreement that she wouldn't go out in the two weeks before exams and during them? What are her friends doing? M2S is right - there's no way her friends will sub her week in week out and she'll soon hate not having any extra money.

HTH

StickyNote · 03/09/2004 19:56

Plus if she's really stubborn, insist on paying her allowance "per chore" so she's just like an adult .

Original poster

anorak · 03/09/2004 20:01

Thanks stickynote. We were thinking along those lines of compromise. She is up in her room sweating it out at the moment while we are sipping wine in the garden cooking up a bbq. It does seem to do her good if she is left to sweat a bit. I hope some kind of compromise will begin to look like a good idea to her if she thinks about it a bit.

On the other hand, she might be up there packing or putting on her makeup to flounce out clubbing! We never know and are constantly stressed out as a result.

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reddevil · 03/09/2004 21:01

I'm quite a newbie and don't know whether this will be helpful but have just gone through quite a similar scenario and survived!
Our DD (now about to start Yr 12)has been allowed to go out with her friends every Saturday night.The deal is then that she works/stays in on school nights.
If you'd asked me a year ago whether I would have allowed this I would have said No Way but in the end it seemed the best compromise as it does seem that all her firends are allowed more freedom.
In a way I think by showing her that I trust her to behave and stick to our rules but with a degree of give and take -it has helped all of us to get along.
She has managed to get pretty good GCSE's-4 A*,2A,3 B,so my advice is be flexible at the weekend but insist on staying in during the week.
Hope that helps

suedonim · 03/09/2004 21:37

Having been through the teen thing three times, I think it's pretty hard on your dd not to let her out at least one night a week. All work and no play etc! I think I'd be compromising round one night out in exchange for whatever you'd like her to do. We had a similar scenario here tonight. Dd1 wasn't going to get out unless/until she cleaned the bathroom she uses, which quite frankly, you wouldn't have wanted to bath a dog in. It took her two goes to get it done but she's out with her pals atm.

Don't worry too much about school. Dd had had two nights out for the past couple of years and it didn't affect her exam results, I don't think. You dd is unlikely to do any meaningful work if she's seething. Teenagers just don't get it that their behaviour upsets us or why we don't want them to do certain things, they can't see past the end of their noses, most of them. Remember, it's 'only' a phase. Good luck.

Blu · 03/09/2004 21:38

Anorak, just to say sorry you are having to struggle, really, but hope you enjoy the barbecue and wine, regardless!

I have no experience of this at all except a rather too distant memory of being 15. But I think I did go out on 'non-school' nights, either Fri or Sat, with a clear home time, and barred from going out the following week if I exceeded it. Actually, our parents were so anxious about the boys/drink/drugs/mad rapist in bushes threat (and rightly so in the first 3 cases )that they used to take it in turns to meet us out...far enough away from the venue to avoid the all important embarrassment.
Could she babysit for you on Fridays? And have a freind or friends round to watch videos with her? Sorry if this is hopelessly naive!

prufrock · 03/09/2004 22:40

anorak. Sorry but I don't think she is benig unreasonable in wanting to go out every Saturday night (presuming this is still to the under18 nights). It's not school the next day, and she does need some freedom - remember in a years time she could legitimately and legally leave home and be out every night.
BUT - she has to realise that her being out every Saturday puts extra work/pressure on you. I'm assuming you would be responsible fro taking/picking her up, waiting up worrying until she gets in? Expecting you to do this every week, when she gives nothing in return, either practically or emotionally, is where your real problem lies. Could you try letting her go, but insist that she contributes to the family in other ways to earn her allowance, and "earn" the extra taxi rides etc. And make it clear that the situation will be reviewed nearer to exam time, and that if she once misses her curfew she will be grounded for a considerable time.

Original poster

anorak · 03/09/2004 22:55

Thank you, thank you all. Suedonim, I didn't say she couldn't go out, just that she shouldn't go out clubbing during school term. There was no desire or opportunity for such a thing when I was her age, so it isn't a scene I'm familiar with. It feels odd to me to have a newly 15-yr old daughter going clubbing! But I do appreciate the posts here which are educating me that this is normal for a girl of her age (I wouldn't have known that!). I'm hoping to try and compromise with her. I went up to speak to her earlier and asked her if she'd like to come down and discuss a compromise but she deigned not to. It all just becomes exhausting in the end.

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Christie · 03/09/2004 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

anorak · 04/09/2004 08:25

Oh, Christie, didn't realise you'd seen this thread...sorry I've just sent you a long and boring email on the subject

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