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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

The latest crisis

46 replies

anorak · 03/09/2004 17:37

Sorry, boring old anorak's dd1 again .

She normally babysits most Saturday evenings for us and we give her a good monthly allowance for it. During the holidays I gave given her more freedom and she has been to nightclubs with her friends on Under-18's nights.

She has just announced that she wants to carry on going there every Saturday and is no longer willing to babysit. I said that I wasn't planning to have her out clubbing during term-time - year 11 is a tough year. I said that if she co-operates I will allow her to go at half-term and in the school holidays.

She flatly refused and said that she is going to go clubbing every week with or without permission. I told her that I would withdraw every kind of support this family now offers her, financial and otherwise, and she said she doesn't care. She says she doesn't need money, her friends will help her.

I'm disgusted and furious and totally at a loss as to how to prevent her carrying out her threat. If anyone has a suggestion for me that doesn't involve actual bodily harm I would be very grateful.

OP posts:

tallulah · 04/09/2004 12:41

anorak, I've read your posts & have to say she sounds like a "normal" teenager!!! Your 6.53 post yesterday could have been written about me when I was her age . There are a couple of really good books (get out of my life, but first give me & Alex a lift into town, & a green one called- I think- terrible teens) which explain how their minds work. They genuinely cannot make the connection between what you do for them & their behaviour. It's infuriating when you are going through it I know- my DD was a "late starter" & was 17 before we got all this cr*p, then moved out- but I remember it well. I do feel for you. HTH.

(Incidentally, my DD who would never go out with us WILL go anywhere her bfs mother suggests! DS2 who is almost 15 also refuses to go anywhere because we too are boring..)

whitefeather · 04/09/2004 13:02

i cringe when i read this post, when i think of what i was like as a teenager, i was cheeky bad tempered, couldnt stand mum and dad telling what to do aferall i knew best, just like to wish you good luck i came out ok, mum is my best friend in the world and my dad aint to bad either! think we all go through that horrid teenage stage, good luck

alexsmum · 04/09/2004 13:04

just a thought.I'm pretty certain that no clubs do under-eighteen nights on a saturday.They would lose too much money.So if she is going clubbing,she is going to proper adult clubs.Which is illegal.( Not to say that we didn't all do it!!!) But maybe worth making sure that she knows how to look after herself, and act safely, if she is going out like this.Drink safety,dodgy blokes,dodgy drugs etc.
All sympathys to you.I know I was a bitch when I was a teenager and I don't know how my parents coped.Not looking forward to those years at all.
btw, I agree about her friends not subbing her..£5 ( at least)to get in,drinks,taxis etc.How rich are these friends???

alexsmum · 04/09/2004 13:07

another thought anorak..maybe have a quiet word with the parents of her friends and find out their take on it all.Are they all completley ok and relaxed abouth the amount of freedom their kids have?? probably not!

jampot · 04/09/2004 13:32

I am so not looking forward to this sort of thing. However as I have not yet experienced it I don;t think I would compromise in term time - if you feel its not appropriate to go out clubbing in term time then surely its not appropriate and also surely the clubs don't do under 18s on a Saturday night! I doubt whether her friends will sub her week in week out in any event (if they are allowed to go. How about asking a couple of her friends to babysit and paying them instead - now that would really pi$$ me off!! Please let us know how you get one so I can refer back to it in a couple of years

tigermoth · 04/09/2004 18:42

anorak, how does your dd plan her nights out? do her and her friends have a set plan weeks in advance or do they all make loose arrangements then firm things up on the day? I'm thinking, if there's lots of phoning round, hanging around, seeing who's going, no firm commitments till the last minute, then any regular rules you set, even a reasonable compromise of alternate saturdays out, could seem impossibly rigid to your dd. Do you know how she and her friends actually plan these evenings? Would it work better for you to take each week as it comes, but tell your dd you expect her to have enough sleep and do her coursework and help around the house, and if on any week this isn't happening, then she forfeits the right to go out that week. And you will warn her in advance so she has time to make things ok. You will simply not stump up that weeks' dosh, though, if she persistenly refuses to cooperate. Bet you've tried this, as I am sure you have tried every compromise.

FYI, since you were asking, I used to go out a lot of Saturdays as a 15 uear old, mostly to school and youth club discos that ended by midnight. Probably a bit tame compared to under 18 clubs. I would have felt really upset if my mother had banned me from going out during school term. A lot of the social life surrounding school happened during term time, not in the holidays, anyway. It would have been torture knowing my friends were out, and I was not, and hearing all the gossip later on. However the discos were not held weekly, so I was out approx one or two Saturdays a month. I still did lots of studying and got my sleep somehow. But I was very spoiled as a teenager, I admit. I never had to help around the house, had no youger siblings to babysit, nothing to rebel against really - so I didn't.

mieow · 04/09/2004 19:12

I used to go to an under 18s night that was on a Saturday, they did have a friday night club, that was also under 18, but that was an Indie night, whereas Saturday was clubbing night. I was allow out once a week, as long as I did my homework. I was a terrible teenager, but my parents did let me out every week with my mates. I would have been gutted if my parents had said no. I think your DD is just being a teenager and I think you need to get go a little, but have some compromises, ie, babysit on friday for you, etc.

Kayleigh · 04/09/2004 19:34

anorak, I have been thinking about what I did as a 15 year old. I can just about remember that far back but it is in black & white .

I used to go regularly to a Youth club. Saturday night was "disco" night and I went every week although it did finish at 11.00. In the winter it was actually on Sunday nights (Jewish club so when sabbath came in early on sat nights it took place on sunday nights.) I was allowed sunday nights too as long as homework was done and I hadn't done anything too terrible during the week.
Weds night was club night - various activities, sports, drama group etc which finished at 10:30. Most weeks I went to that too (but not during revision & exam time). Wouldn't say my parents were terribly strict or especially easy. Probably somewhere in the middle. And i was an angry teenager, please don't think I was an angel.
I know it's hard to believe .

luckymum · 04/09/2004 19:53

Anorak - been there, so big hugs from me.

I think Jan has a point about your dd's birthday. My ds1 is an August birthday making him almost a whole year younger than many of his friends and his girlfriend. You have issues about what a 15 year old should be doing and she is trying to be equal to a 16 year old. Ds1 was 16 last week, he is due to start year 12 on Tuesday. During the last year we have had loads of issues about late nights and timekeeping and checking in and well I could go on and on. I think I've said this before but I found I had to 'pick my battles', let some things go and stand firm on others otherwise every day is a fight and as you know it totally wears you down . I'm not saying that you should just let her go ahead with this, you need to talk about it and come to a compromise. At the end of the day - if she decides to go ahead and do it, what can you do and what will the atmosphere be like?

I agree with the others regarding allowing her out on Saturdays (as long as she is going to under-18's) is coming in at a reasonable time (whatever that is!!) and is safe. - Maybe you could compromise with alternate Saturdays so that you could still have her babysit. I know compromise and teenagers don't mix - its their way or the high way - but hopefully you could meet in the middle here.

suedonim · 05/09/2004 00:09

Sory, Anorak, I hadn't picked up that your concern was about clubbing rather than going out per se. Fwiw, the night club here (only have the one!!) holds weekend under-18 evenings but they chuck out at 10pm when people from the pubs start to come in instead.

Original poster

anorak · 05/09/2004 15:22

I think we have managed to resolve this. Thanks to all who shared their thoughts with me. I'll post again tomorrow when certain people are not around and explain!

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Original poster

anorak · 06/09/2004 15:30

Right...for those of you who are kind enough to be interested...

Well, it was the devil's own job to try and get DD1 to negotiate or even talk. I asked her several times to discuss it with me so that we could find a compromise but she said there was no point, because unless I could have things 100% my way, I wouldn't agree to anything! She was in fact accusing me of the very attitude she was displaying.

I suggested she have 2 Satudays a month out and babysit the other 2 if required, and she flatly refused. So I agreed that she could have every Saturday night to go out but on the following conditions:

That she keep up her school work to a good standard. That she stay in the local area. That she do her chores without complaint. That she treat the rest of the family with civility and cut out the awful rudeness she's been exercising lately.

I added that she had made it very difficult for me to help her get what she wanted, since she issued her ultimatum she put me in a position where I felt that I was rewarding bad behaviour. But after consulting with Christie and some mums on mumsnet I decided that she had done a good job of babysitting up till now and that she deserved her Saturday nights out. I told her that I was not giving in to her because of her threats, but because I love her and want her to be happy. I asked her to please make more effort to negotiate with me next time she has a problem.

So she went to a sleepover party on Saturday night and we stayed in and watched TV! She was absolutely gobsmacked when I told her I was going to give her what she wanted.

We had already planned to go carbooting yesterday and she cheerfully allowed me to collect her from the party at 7am and was perfectly happy and polite all morning with me.

Thank you all so much for educating me as to what kind of social life a teenager should expect these days. Without mners to advise me I'd be clueless about certain things. I must say that if DD remains as amiable as she was yesterday it will have been well worth everything.

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Blu · 06/09/2004 15:36

PHEW! WELL DONE, Anorak!
'clubbing' is a scary word in the context of 14 year olds, but it's not much different from the nights out dancing that I used to go to, I suspect. Actually, I think it's brilliant that she wants to go to an available U18's night - much better than trying to get into adult nights and coming into contact with an older age group.

Your negotiating and telling her why you were doing it sounds very good.

Beetroot · 06/09/2004 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sobernow · 06/09/2004 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

anorak · 06/09/2004 16:52

Thanks, sobernow, I've just found and read the article on the ST website. Took ages though as it kept crashing my computer for some reason.

Bit of an eye-opener, especially the statistics at the end, eh?

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suedonim · 06/09/2004 17:00

, Anorak.

StickyNote · 07/09/2004 11:22

So glad you managed to sort this one out anorak, I was thinking about it over the weekend. Mine are only 5, 3 and 1 so I know I've got all this to come...

JanH · 07/09/2004 12:07

missed this yesterday - anorak, I was v amused by this bit

oh, and

Original poster

anorak · 07/09/2004 12:27

Oh, Jan, they are like aliens, aren't they? She is always telling me what a smart girl she is and although I know she is in lots of ways I catch myself thinking if only you knew what a moron you look sometimes .

But she's been through so much at her young age. And I do understand that. At her age I felt I was parenting my mother, but with none of the freedoms attached. If she feels even a fraction of that I could understand how it frustrates her to have to obey rules.

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Prettybird · 07/09/2004 13:02

It brings back memories of our own teenage years (and cringes!).

I can remember sreaming at my parents the horrible accusation that "you are so open minded that you are closed minded". Well, it made sense at the time

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