Should I let my 15 yr old daughter move out?

[georgiaind]

My DH and I have been in a disagreement concerning my 14 yr old DD moving out into the converted barn next to us. The barn is right next to the house, with all the necessities such as a loo, bed, space etc. My daughter has been begging for a while now and has asked to move as her birthday present (for her 15th). She is very responsible and I know she won't get up to anything, but I can't tell whether that'll last long! I don't want her cooped up in the barn all evenings and not coming out and spending time with the family. Although she is very extroverted person and wouldn't want to be by herself all the time! The barn right now is my office and it would be nice to move inside into the house. I just need a point of view from others to see whether I am being unreasonable or not!

@Slightlycoddled I know, I have that suspicion too. However from what I know of her friends they are a lovely group. They're defiantly not 'unpopular/uncool' but then she's not in the bitchy group as she frequently talks to me about her school year and I have a very fair idea who they are. Trust me, they're not all innocent and angelic but I do trust my daughter to not get up to stuff. I think her main purpose is that she doesn't have to go to sleep when we do, because whenever her friends are round they keep us both awake with their chatting due to our rooms being next to each other.

@Slightlycoddled also, we live in a small village so not many of her friends live near, but rather outside the village. If anyone was to come in, we would hear the side gate being opened; which is very reassuring, otherwise it would be more reason to say no. My WiFi is attached to a router I think, my DH set it up so I'm not too sure!!

@Coronapop I know I'm so undecided!! She seems so mature for her age and has older friends from work who are sixth form... from what I hear they're responsible and lovely girls but I do think she's too young. I can see why she wants to, I would've loved to when I was her age.

Too young

I can understand why you are undecided op! I would be too. The older friends would worry me a lot rather but it's a really difficult call [sorry, not much help!]

I guess a trial run might be the way to go? Rules in place - no alcohol or anything else - what about boys - time limits? Depends if it's a big faff to swap around (and supervise) I suppose.

Hmmmm...I'm with Neednewshoes ... can't pin down why but something about this would make me worry!

@Slightlycoddled yes I think a trial run may be the way to go... I completely agree I have some weird feeling about this. I'm edging on the no seeing everyone's replies. To be fair though her sixth form friends don't live near and don't think they can drive yet so it won't be a worry.

When I was a teenager we had a room above the garage that we used for sleepovers with friends. It was brilliant to have the freedom (but did involve drinking, smoking and sleepovers with boys!). Would you have space for your daughter to have her bedroom in the house and then a den for evenings/sleepovers with friends in the barn?

1. Her friendship group in a years time could be completely different

1. And probably more importantly, the spaces we occupy as a family affect how much we interact, and when.

She might well be eager for more independence, for entirely understandable reasons. But if she some physical distance / own space, this will inevitably affect her interactions with you. Fine while everything in the garden is rosy, but should she develop exam stress problems/ self harm/ depression/ eating disorders/ low self esteem/ general turmoil and angst that teens sadly often experience, well it can be hard to maintain a close emotional connection with a teen who’s retreating into their own emotional space: a physical retreat will only make it worse.

I have known parents who did not foresee, and bitterly regretted, the distancing in their relationship with their teen, that accompanied a somewhat , even quite slight, distancing in room arrangement etc.

You may need , at some point, to grab every ‘watercooler’ moment you can with your teen. Don’t diminish those minor encounters and chats. They may be vital.

15? No, no,no.

18? Might be less disastrous. Still too soon for some.

And, have you an understanding of the expression ‘ party house’ or ‘ free house’?

I wouldn't until GCSEs are finished

@Evidencebased fair enough, thank you for your point. I will be using some of these reasons to her to help me back up my decision of not yet.

Could she have it as a second bedroom so she can use it for sleepovers for now?

@sleepingdragon @Theimpossiblegirl quite possibly. Sounds like a good idea for now! There is a sofa bed in there at the moment, so it would work well.

At weekends perhaps?

No candles.

I would maybe compromise with letting her do it for her 16th birthday perhaps, at 15 she's still a kid. She may seem really keen now, but when it comes to it, she might be pretty freaked out out there on her own. Or she might not.... you know your daughter.

No way! I wouldn’t let my 16 yr old do it either for the reasons others stare. Maybe make it so she can have friends in there to hang out when you’re not using it as an office, but not a bedroom. So much easier to be sneaky and if no WiFi she’ll be using her data up.

Do you have the space for it to be a 'den' type hang out instead, but her bedroom still being in the house?
Or do you need one of the spaces to be your study?

I wouldn’t allow this until 17. That she just feels right to me. 15 too young.

Sorry typo: that AGE not she

No she's too young only just turning 15. All her friends will know and there will be pressure to host. You have no idea what will be going on.

I'd say it's too young too. I'd say it can be her present after she's passed her GCSE's the summer before sixth form/college.

I have a space like that and I let dd use it at weekends if and when she has a sleepover, so maybe once a month.

I would not let her mo e in permanently as it would cause issues with the others and I like to keep an eye on her still... In fairness she wouldn't want to go either..

I would say sixth form too...

If you go ahead I would make a rule now that if she moves away for Uni - her sibling can take the barn and she moves back into the house - saves a fight in 4 years.

I'd say that she can move in there after her GCSEs. She'll be 16.5 then, which is a good age to be given this kind of independence. She also needs to clean it and take a sensible approach to people staying over (i.e. a friend or boyfriend can stay over now and then, but no parties for 30+ cider-drinking sixth formers and no semi-permanent lodgers!)

Thank you all for your messages. Although this was a while ago! I think she'll move out there at 16-17. Definitely too young at the moment.

It'll become the party barn,and she'll be sneaking boys in and all sorts so no.