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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do you deal with a 13 year old who refuses to go to school

35 replies

snowman72 · 08/01/2019 13:15

My 13 year old step daughter has always hated school, there's always been issues, her parents have had numerous meetings and the school have agreed to work with us all.

There doesn't seem to be a under lying problem other than she hates school, it controls her life etc. She does have friendship problems sometimes but so do our other 3 teenagers. But what do you do with her if she point blank refuses to go. We've taken her phone, iPad off her tv everything you can think of but what if she still refuses tomorrow her attendance is terrible.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
OneStepMoreFun · 08/01/2019 13:20

Honestly? I wouldn't punish her for not wanting to go to school. If she has a serious problem with it, you need to listen not take her stuff away as a threat.
It's likely to have a root cause of either:
Feeling overwhelmed by the size of the school (look for a smaller school)
Bullying problems (look for a school that has a much stronger anti-bullying ethos. They all pay lip service to it but some are really hot on it.)
Feeling overwhelmed by academic expectations (find her tutors, have her checked for ADD, dyslexia etc, look for a more chilled school)

With any and all of these, the key is to build her confidence so she trusts herself to be able to cope with situations she currently can't handle, and so she is able (through CBT training maybe?) to put them into perspective.

Some of my work is with school refusers and not one of them is just playing up.

pippistrelle · 08/01/2019 13:21

Well, I think I'd be trying to find out what's at the root of it. It may be that it's not something she can talk about with you: it may be that she isn't even able to articulate why but you (or her parents, rather) could find that talking to a neutral third party could help. There are counsellors who might be able to help.

I realise that doesn't help much if she says she won't go tomorrow, but it will help flag up how seriously her parents take the problem, and may provide useful insight into dealing with it longer term.

OneStepMoreFun · 08/01/2019 13:22

You can try flexi-schooling. That's where she only goes in on given days but doesn;t sever her ties with the school. They will set work for her to do from home.

Or you could consider home schooling. I know that;s far easier said than done. It's a huge commitment.

Original poster
snowman72 · 08/01/2019 13:36

Oh god if you knew the lengths we have all been to to get to the bottom of it, you say have a conversation, she doesn't speak, it has got to the point no one knows what to do. There is support at school, my son goes to same school he sees her, we all have jobs there is only so much we can do.

She won't tell us or the school why she hates it, she just says she doesn't want to or she's tired! We go through this a lot but usually once we get her there she comes out happy wanting to go to a friends house. We have all stuck together, tried the sympathetic approach the take things off her approach, meetings at school, someone she can go to at school etc etc it's been going on for years, different schools, different teachers. Everyone is so stressed and also worried about her as it just doesn't seem normal behaviour that she won't speak about it or anything

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 08/01/2019 13:38

Would she engage with an online school? Or do you think it would just be the same argument trying to get her to log on from home?

Original poster
snowman72 · 08/01/2019 13:49

I don't honestly think she would do it on line or be home schooIed I could be wrong and maybe these ideas need to explored. She just likes to lye in bed all day, she admits it 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Lara53 · 08/01/2019 15:20

Have you taken her to GP for blood tests to rule out anything ‘medical’ if one of her reasons is feeling tired.

Original poster
snowman72 · 08/01/2019 15:33

Yeh we have Lara but dp has now made another one as something just isn't right, whether it's mental health or something, it needs to be investigated

OP posts:
slug · 08/01/2019 16:52

DD's best friend was like this. Finally after years of school refusal her parents took her out and home schooled. She's since been diagnosed as autistic with a social anxiety.

Original poster
snowman72 · 08/01/2019 17:35

You know slug, that is exactly what I'm thinking, I've been saying it to dp for years but being step parent I'm not really in control. I just don't know who would home school her!

OP posts:
Original poster
snowman72 · 09/01/2019 12:36

This morning she locked herself in the bathroom, with pillows a lap top a packet of crisps and 2 chocolate bars. Refused to come out, her mum her dad and me all trying to talk to her. Everyone is so stressed

OP posts:
fleshmarketclose · 09/01/2019 12:51

My daughter has autism and has been out of school for a year now. I'd say if she can't articulate why she doesn't want to go to school then quite possibly she doesn't know herself why. Dd has had a year and many professionals involved and the most we know is that she doesn't like the corridors, the noise, moving seats, teachers speaking to her so no one big thing but still left dd having a breakdown. I'd say you need to ask for a referral to CAMHS and start exploring why she finds school so difficult and how you and school can support her so that she can attend or look at exploring alternative provision. Dd currently has tutors who come to the house to teach her.

TitchyP · 09/01/2019 12:59

A very large proportion of school refusers are eventually diagnosed with an ASD. It's an absolute scandal that more isn't being done to help children with high functioning autism.
Much sympathy to you OP, it's incredibly stressful. Try and get a referral to CAMHS as a starting point.

TitchyP · 09/01/2019 12:59

A very large proportion of school refusers are eventually diagnosed with an ASD. It's an absolute scandal that more isn't being done to help children with high functioning autism.
Much sympathy to you OP, it's incredibly stressful. Try and get a referral to CAMHS as a starting point.

TitchyP · 09/01/2019 13:00

Oops sorry for double post!

Original poster
snowman72 · 09/01/2019 13:04

Thank you both of you it sounds like that's the route we need to go down. The school mentioned cahms

OP posts:
Original poster
snowman72 · 09/01/2019 13:05

Sorry Camhs

OP posts:
lljkk · 09/01/2019 22:47

Good luck.
I had a simple truant, so can't comment on anxiety.
DS (finally) engaged enough to get good GCSEs & became financially independent by age 19. There is hope.

Bigbus · 09/01/2019 23:08

I’m interested to follow this. My DD1 aged 12 is still going to school but every morning is a struggle. Like your situation, she mostly comes out feeling really positive but quickly forgets by the next morning. In her case has emetophobia (fear of vomiting) but like you op I am wondering what happens when she just refuses to go. I feel that is where we are heading. Getting her there every day is so stressful.

Bekabeech · 10/01/2019 06:34

I would say she is probably depressed (lying in bed all day) and may well have ASD or similar.
Has she seen the GP?
Getting her seen by a suitably qualified Psychiatrist/Psychologist would help.
You can contact either the NAS (Autism Society) or Young Minds helpline's for advice. You don't need a diagnosis first.

Original poster
snowman72 · 10/01/2019 09:03

Yeh it's always been a struggle with her, her sister is the complete opposite like today she has a mild chest infection but is still going to school even though she doesn't feel great. My own dcs just don't understand, they are up and out every day.

Dsd is not with us today she's with her mum but she is still refusing to get up. We have got a gp appt on Sunday so hopefully we can get some professional help. Thanks for all the suggestions, we need professional help now I don't think we can sort this out ourselves. We'll keep trying, yesterday my dp just lost it and it stresses everyone out particularly as he had a heart attack 4 months ago. He knows loosing it doesn't work but it gets so frustrating, hard to understand until you're in the position.

I think she at least suffers from anxiety but she can't talk about it. I'm going to go and get her a diary today see if she write her feelings down there. She has done that before but didn't keep it up.

It's just been great to get it out on here as it's awful to watch everyone stressed !

OP posts:
Bigbus · 10/01/2019 09:25

With my dd1 I can coax her out of bed but by bit. We have a deal that she at least has to get dressed before she starts refusing to go to school as it’s much more frustrating when she’s still in her PJs. Then I have to get her to come down to the middle (her bedroom is in the middle) then to the ground floor, then out the door. I also have to bargain with her a bit. I have rewarded her for 5 days in a row getting up and going to school with something she wants eg a nice candle. With her it’s definitely anxiety. The school have given her a red card she can use to leave class if she feels overwhelmed which has helped. I hope the GP can help. We are starting some counselling on Monday.

Original poster
snowman72 · 10/01/2019 09:48

Ah @Bigbus you are doing so well, it is tough. Yes our dd has been given a red card to use if she needs, she doesn't have to go to class she can go to what they call time out.
We've done the same sort of things as you in the mornings which has sometimes worked and sometimes didn't. This is the first time she has point blank refused to go, she doesn't seem to care whatever we say. She definitely reacts better if your calm with her, but when she pretends to be asleep and your talking to a wall it just drives you insane! And breath

OP posts:
OrangeSamphire · 10/01/2019 10:04

There's an epidemic of children struggling with this. My eldest is one of them.

OP I sympathise and if you haven't already sought them out I can highly recommend joining two FB groups (which have thousands upon thousands of parents dealing with the same issues, and lots of useful advice):

"Not Fine in School: Family Support for School Refusal and Attendance Issues"
(they also have a website rich in useful material if things get difficult with school

"School Refusal Support Services for Phobia, Refusal and Separation Anxiety".

My DD is an academic high flyer and well liked by her peers (i.e. no obvious problems) but has completely refused to go to school since Sept 18, after three years of increasing difficulty in getting her there.

After years of various schools saying she's fine (despite us and her saying she's not), she's now been diagnosed with severe audio hypersensitivity, Irlen syndrome (visual stress) and is on the waiting list for ASD assessment.

She is now doing InterHigh at home, maybe something to consider.

I've given up on schools. They just don't get it, and even when they do, the system they work within completely sidelines children like my DD. We were threatened with prosecution for non-attendance, despite a doctor's letter, for example. As a result we're been forced into de-registering which makes us look like we are electively home schooling (and therefore not eligible for funding for online school), even though we're not.

WhirlieGigg · 10/01/2019 10:15

There’s obviously a reason she doesn’t want to go to school. And you forcing her to go doesn’t resolve that issue, it just makes her upset and miserable. You need to find out what the reason is and work around it. Have you considered that perhaps she doesn’t want to tell you what’s wrong because she’s ashamed, embarrassed, doesn’t want to hurt you? Or maybe she’s hinted about it in the past and hasn’t got a positive response?

When I refused school because I was being bullied, my mum used to ask why and I’d say I was just tired. Because in the past when I admitted I was being bullied, she started to cry, so I didn’t want to tell her any more.

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