How do you deal with a 13 year old who refuses to go to school

[snowman72]

My 13 year old step daughter has always hated school, there's always been issues, her parents have had numerous meetings and the school have agreed to work with us all.

There doesn't seem to be a under lying problem other than she hates school, it controls her life etc. She does have friendship problems sometimes but so do our other 3 teenagers. But what do you do with her if she point blank refuses to go. We've taken her phone, iPad off her tv everything you can think of but what if she still refuses tomorrow her attendance is terrible.

Any suggestions?

In in the same boat with DS (autism, anxiety and depression). He just refuses point blank to go in. There is nothing you can sanction him with because there is nothing he wouldn't be happy to go without if it meant he didn't have to go to school. For him it's mainly the stress of trying to understand all the social side which he finds really hard alongside the overwhelming sensory aspects of a busy school.

He had home tutoring before but then returned to school. They are now saying he can't have home tutoring again. I have been issued with the first notice of prosecution. What makes me so sad is that he is so clever and could have done so.well in his GCSEs. But he has missed so much school now that I can't see how he is going to get any. I'm hoping to pay for some tutoring myself but I already struggle money wise.

At least you sound supportive of her and her mum. My ex and his girlfriend are of the view that it's my fault and that DS would be less autistic if he was parented better which is another layer of stress.

I wish there was a school for children with high functioning asd that he could go to but there isnt. And even if there was i can't even get an echp so I doubt I could get him a place. I feel like the government are quite happy for my son to fall through the cracks. He's just collateral damage so that they can save money.

My daughter has suspected ASD (traits have really started showing up since she started her period). Sometimes she barricades herself in her room and refuses to speak, she can be rude, doesn’t talk much sometimes and refuses to wash her hair properly etc etc etc. I’ve learnt to not panic or react and I leave her be when she’s barricaded herself in her room as she’s clearly needing space due to probably feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. My stress makes it worse for her so me being calm for her is crucial. She needs the adults to be her rock as everything inside her is at sea!
I home educate now- well I try to as mostly there’s not much educating actually happening- school was a nightmare and she refused to do PE and always saying no one liked her or she didn’t fit in. The school only offered her a weekly session with an elsa and she found it useless. She would sometimes end up in the toilets screaming and head banging, so we felt being at home where things are calm would help her more and as for her exams- her wellbeing matters more. Yes me being at home has meant I’ve had to give up my work and we live on what my husband earns, so it’s not easy and I appreciate not everyone can do this. I think if we hadn’t taken her out of school then she would have ended up being a refuser.
I’m still waiting for an ASD assessment and it’s looking like another 6 months at least I’ve been told!

@WhirlieGigg obviously there is a reason yes but it's not that simple, none of it is simple! We have all worked really hard to help, get to the bottom of it. She just doesn't like school, she has anxiety issues there are a mixture of reasons.

There is not much help for these children I agree and everywhere we turn there is long waiting lists. Thanks for the fb recommendations, it all helps

@Vivdawes I can relate to everything your saying, you are so right. I did suggest home schooling to dp but no one knows who would actually do it, I would but I think she would hate that, maybe then she would go back to school lol, but I doubt it

We went through the same thing which started around 13. Daughter now 17 and was eventually diagnosed with autism, anxiety, OCD and dyspraxia. She couldn’t cope with school at all and just refused to go, we tried everything. She’s so clever. Eventually the LA paid for tutors for three subjects and she got those GCSEs. But once she’d made up her mind she wouldn’t go near school again. Complete sensory overload for her. I had constant threats of fines and court because she wasn’t in school.

We've had a bit of school refusal with DS on moving to secondary - he is suspected ASD. What's helped there is cutting timetable back so he only has to go into key lessons and rest are done in support hub with a TA. Also he's allowed to leave lessons and no consequences if homework not done. It's not ideal as he's very bright but I got them to insist on GCSE subjects and this seems to work for most part. I would never punish but do stress to him I know its difficult but school is important to get a good job / money. If he was still not working would try for EHCP and schools with autism cabins and after that home education.

Does she refuse to do other things too e.g. Going on a family day out, dentist appts etc?
Sounds like she had an aversion to having demands placed on her.

Well we went to the drs, they really weren't very helpful. The attitude was well she's a teenager what do u expect? You don't want to start labelling a teenager with mental health issues, it'll make it worse! We did get a referral but actually I've no idea for what

The Girl With The Curly Hair books are really great, they do training too. I've just bought her books on meltdowns and shutdowns. So helpful. My daughter relates to everything Alis Rowe writes.

There are quite a few on line home Ed schooling options e.g. InterHigh. This is recognized by the Education Authorities, and, I believe, can be funded by them.