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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

She wont revise!

29 replies

pontiouspilates · 27/12/2018 19:14

DD Yr13, recently had a meltdown at school panicking as she had got behind in her course work. DH and I met with her Head of Year who put things in place to support her and enable her to catch up as she said she was suffering with panic attacks and anxiety. Fast forward to Christmas holidays, she's done some course work in one subject (though she is still behind) but no revision for her mocks which start as soon as she's back to school in January. She gets terribly defensive if I suggest she priorities revision over shopping trips with friends. At 17, its hard to 'make' her revise. She's had offers from all the Unis she applied to but I am concerned that she will just accept her unconditional and take her foot off the pedal even more. I've arranged for her to have some tutoring in one if her subjects, but am loathe to finance this if she is making no effort. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
sheard · 27/12/2018 19:30

You cannot force her only encourage as a mum to a 17 year old myself trying to get my son to revise GCSE was a nightmare fast forward he got great results god knows how as he didn't revise!!!I'm telling him how important college is jobs Tec but you can only encourage as a mum I think xx

madmum5811 · 27/12/2018 19:37

Well with DS, we removed x box, for a week. Grabbed the phone every evening. After a week we said he could have the x box for an hour 9pm. It was a bit rocky at the start but now he is happy we set the boundaries for him. He is working a few hours a day on A level papers. In fact he is sat her now with a book in front of him.

ragged · 27/12/2018 19:44

You're determined to be miserable about it.

Original poster
pontiouspilates · 27/12/2018 20:24

Say what ragged? Not sure how you've gleaned that from
my post, but erm thanks for the insightful input!

OP posts:
ragged · 27/12/2018 20:40

coz these threads always go like this:

"I hate that my kid won't revise"

-- You need to kill yourself with every effort to try to make them. You may fail but if you haven't moved heaven & earth then you are a terrible parent to not try to make them. It's for their own good and a decent parent wouldn't do anything else. Plus that way you can almost feel guilt-free at the end when your efforts probably didn't work. You'll be miserable all the time you try to coerce, but that's okay b/c you can't be blamed in the end. Even if it means a 0.001% chance the kid actually does some revision. We all need illusion that we can make them do things. To let go of that illusion would be total abrogation of parental duty.

"Oh yes thank you, that's exactly what I wanted to hear"

madmum5811 · 27/12/2018 20:43

As I said, my DS adjusted. Your DD is unhappy you are worried so try to help her.

Original poster
pontiouspilates · 27/12/2018 23:08

ragged I'm just a worried Mum wanting to help her daughter. Slither over to AIBU with your
assumptions.

OP posts:
Original poster
pontiouspilates · 27/12/2018 23:12

Madmum I will talk to her tomorrow and see where she's at. As parents, we are open to her doing what she wants to - we've never told her that uni is her only option - she's told us that's the route she wants to take - that's why I don't understand this lack of input from her.

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 28/12/2018 15:01

She may be feeling overwhelmed, so much to do. Older wiser heads know bite size is the way to do it. We say, physics tonight, art the next day etc.

He still gets trips to see his friends if he does the work beforehand. Be clear, calm, absolutely no shouting or exasperation. Save that for when you are alone. You will all get there.

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2018 15:14

If she's having panic attacks and public meltdowns, I'd suggest easing the pressure and leaving her to decide her own revision strategy.

Is she having counselling?

Depending on her situation/subjects, etc, perhaps accepting the unconditional offer might be a good idea to ease the pressure she's feeling. Obviously, this won't help if it's an unsuitable course and was genuinely just a back-up option.

I don't think there's much you can do to make her revise, and it sounds like she's got other issues she needs to sort out before her head will be clear enough to focus on A-Levels.

ladybee28 · 29/12/2018 10:52

I wonder if as PPs have said, she's feeling overwhelmed?

Sometimes the knowledge that there's a mountain in front of you can be paralysing – I'm always a big fan of, as madmum says, breaking things riiiiight down.

Can you plan out a system together so she knows exactly what she's focused on each day, and for how long? Reverse engineer and plan the heck out of it so she knows she'll have time for both revision and friends?

cathyandclare · 29/12/2018 11:12

Agree about the paralysis thing. Instead of revising would she spend a day making sure she's got the notes and past papers she needs and writing revision lists. Getting organised and breaking things into manageable chunks can make it less overwhelming.

That's what DD did when she was doing A levels and it seemed to help.

crimsonlake · 29/12/2018 11:19

I disagree Ragged, you can encourage but you cannot make them revise, as in you can take a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. Trying to force only makes things worse, at 17 years they are nearly adults and you will not be there to watch over them and make them do their work at uni. If she is overwhelmed and actively seeking your help that is a different matter. I have been there with 2 of mine, one would get on with it quietly, the other used to drive me to distraction. In the end I realised I needed to back off or I would end up destroying our relationship, they need to stand on their own 2 feet and learn from the consequences. Happily both are at uni now.

OhFlipMama · 29/12/2018 11:22

Does she truly know how to? I struggled with really understand how to get going and into it all.

LEMtheoriginal · 29/12/2018 11:22

Acrually i agree with ragged. The more presdure you apply the more she will rebel. Not in a "naughty" way but because she will feel anxious.

Its her mocks- how she performs in those will highlight the areas she needs to work on.

Dont make her cut out socialising. Im sure her friends have revision too. Maybe encourage short blocks of revision in between. Probably far more effective.

What revision aids does she use?i find quizlet really goid. She can write herself flashcards online and test herself . Ten minutes here and there- can do on phone will be more effective than sat staring at books for two hours.

I know its stressfull but try not to force her . Even though it does go against one's instincts.

madmum5811 · 29/12/2018 13:37

Son has had a stinking cold, still did an eight hour shift at the restaurant. Today he will do physics, tonight he will do whatever the heck he wants. There is so much on you tube, bite size, when they get stuck...

Pagwatch · 29/12/2018 13:43

I’m with Ragged and LEM

Forcing revision is just a crash course in family tension
If she’s anxious I think it’s even worse.

We were getting into similar territory with my DD a while ago. We gradually realised we were just making everything worse.
We sat her down one day and had a huge tearful, stressful, snotty honest chat.
The result was a deal where we agreed to totally back off and let her take total control of her homework and revision
We check if she needs anything but that’s it.
It’s worked really well and her performance at school has improved

I’m not saying this works for everyone but given the similarity in terms of anxiety maybe it would be worth having the conversation?

madmum5811 · 29/12/2018 14:38

What happens if they rebel at work when the manager says to do x, y, z. task Will they have a melt down. Will the manager back off?

When they get to uni. no-one will give a flying fart if they sack off their work, they will just get booted out when they fail. This they need to be aware of and if they cannot do that then uni. may not be the place for them.

LEMtheoriginal · 29/12/2018 14:55

At uni they will need to be more self sufficient in their learning so too much support nagging at this stage is not going to encourage them to take responsibility for their own learning.

Its about balance.

Pagwatch · 29/12/2018 15:00

Yep.
A child who only works when you stand there nagging them is not best prepared for much really

madmum5811 · 29/12/2018 15:09

Several friends children went to hot house boarding school as day pupils where their necks were breathed upon every moment of the day. When it came to uni. they were drowning and dropped out. Sometimes I think a gap year is a very good idea.

TulipsInbloom1 · 29/12/2018 15:50

You cant stand over her and force the information in. Who is financing all thesee shopping trips? If its you then stop funding her tp have a social life two weeks before exams. If she is working and earning the money then id say she needs to drop some shifts for a few weeks before exams.

ladybee28 · 29/12/2018 16:23

"At uni they will need to be more self sufficient in their learning so too much support nagging at this stage is not going to encourage them to take responsibility for their own learning.

Its about balance."

I agree with this – and I also think most of the posters here are talking about helping OP's DD find a system that works, within which she can then use her own initiative and take responsibility.

Rightly or wrongly prepared, this young woman is struggling to manage what feels like a heavy workload – so the 'balance' is showing her a technique and an approach to manage heavy workloads, which she can then take forward into future situations.

It's not about breathing down her neck, it's about troubleshooting and problem-solving.

Original poster
pontiouspilates · 29/12/2018 16:28

Thanks for all the replies. She has a part time job which pays very well, so she has money in the bank- so nothing I can change there. She was amazing with GCSE revision but I think she's just overwhelmed as she got behind on some course work and it seems to have spiralled from there. There is an issue with anxiety and she is having CBT to help with this. Her Dad and I want to empower her to make good choices, but at the moment this seems to be easier said than done. As I said earlier, we would support her if she decided on a gap year/apprenticeship but she is saying she wants to go to Uni.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 29/12/2018 23:57

I think she needs to quit the job and focus on her exams if you are so concerned. I would never have let mine take jobs during this crucial time.

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