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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

19yr old with no friends at home

40 replies

Mamatoo · 24/12/2018 00:32

My Son was ostracised by the pupils at his school and when he went to University he made lots of new friends and seemed to be living like a 'normal' teen. I had hoped this Christmas things would be easier of him, but they are worse than ever. He hasn't been out once with any friends and even local friends don't want to include him in their plans. it may seem like not such a big deal but it has been going on for years and although he seems fine at University, it makes the holidays long and boring for him. He invites people out and they just ignore his messages.

I find it difficult as well - we are quite sociable and meet up with other parents all the time and hear about the fun times their teens (who are ignoring my son) are having.

I just don't know how to help him - or if i need to help him at all - anything i have tried - has backfired and made things much worse. He doesn't want help but i know it's really hard for him.

What can i do? I'm dreading Easter and the long Summer holidays already.

OP posts:

MartaHallard · 24/12/2018 00:43

Does he have a job in the holidays? That would help to fill his time, and be an opportunity to meet new people.

In the summer, would he be suited to taking a seasonal job somewhere with accommodation provided? It would be good work experience, and an opportunity to meet new people. Or if he's going to be paying rent over the summer anyway, spending part of the time in university town and working there?

But I think all you can do is make suggestions, and not push things.

namechangersss · 24/12/2018 00:59

I'm 19 and exactly the same, only I'm not at uni so I'm constantly by myself. I have one friend who I hardly see and my boyfriend lives hours away when at uni.

I think I know how he feels, it's extremely lonely sometimes and I'm in the same boat. Maybe a job would help? Just having anyone to socialise with is better than no one.

Original poster

Mamatoo · 24/12/2018 07:58

Hello
Thank you for your replies - he has a job - the one he had in the pub want there for him this Christmas. I know I can't fix it for him but like you say it's a lonely place. My heart goes out to you knowing you re in the same place as my son . Like him I m sure you also a lovely person and keep reminding yourself. I m worried now about Xmas Eve - we ve friends coming over and he said he s invite people over but they ve all ignored his texts. It's the same st New Year.

OP posts:

BrokenWing · 24/12/2018 09:26

Does he see or get anything back from these "friends" at all? If not he needs to walk away with a bit of dignity and find something to fill his time.

An invite to mums house at 19 is always going to fall a bit flat, they are a bit old to sit in a bedroom and dont want to socialise with parents. Are they not in the pub/a club at this age anymore? If he does have some contact with them can he ask what they are up to and tag along with their plans?

My brother moved across the country for uni and had a great social life there and also later when he started work, but when he came home to visit he did spend most of his time around mums house/with family as he lost contact with local friends so its not unusual.

MartaHallard · 24/12/2018 12:03

Agree with BrokenWing, time to forget about these people, and focus on having new experiences and meeting new people. If he does pub work, can he take on some extra shifts and just not be there when your friends come over, because he's working?

And if he can do pub or bar work, he's got skills he can take anywhere, if he doesn't want to spend the whole summer at home. Do holiday camps still take on temp workers for the summer?

Original poster

Mamatoo · 24/12/2018 12:05

I would love it if they would just let him tag along! It's been going on for years - he s had so many knock backs from them - I agree they're not worth bothering with but what's his alternative - hang out with the parents party?!
He seems ok
At Uni
It's embarrassing to ask parents if my 19yr old can play with their 19yr olds! There are 2 main groups - one at school and one local - both very closed groups. He feels quite helpless which is not really him - he used to be popular!

OP posts:

MartaHallard · 24/12/2018 12:38

It's embarrassing to ask parents if my 19yr old can play with their 19yr olds!

Good God, don't do that!!!

As I suggested above, can he not go to work? NY Eve must be one of the busiest nights in a pub, I should think they'd bite the hand off anyone actually volunteering to work.

How much is you wanting him to get in touch with these people, because their parents are your friends, and how much is it his own initiative? Does he otherwise seem happy? I really think you need to let him find his own way. I don't think most parents of 19yos are that involved in their children's friendships and social arrangements.

JustDanceAddict · 24/12/2018 15:03

If he works in a pub he can work shifts on New Year’s Eve. I’m sure they’ll need staff.
Alternatively maybe going to stay w uni friends? I did this during the summer hols. I went to one and another stayed with me for a few days.
What about doing Work/Camp America in the summer? Fab way of meeting loads of people and plenty of people do it on their own.

BrokenWing · 24/12/2018 16:18

There are 2 main groups - one at school and one local - both very closed groups.

There will be other men (that's what your son is now a man so don't ask other parents if their men can play with yours!) he can meet and build friendships with, he doesn't need to be part of his school year/class or one local group. It might just be, because he isn't home much, his social circle develops in his uni environment (like my brothers did) and he spends some of his holidays back there and meets up with uni friends during the holidays.

Original poster

Mamatoo · 24/12/2018 17:52

Thank you everyone - it sounds like it's not unusual for him to be in this situation and you ve come up with some brilliant ideas of how to cope with it all! Wishing all of you a lovely Christmas and thank you again

OP posts:

Trippedupagain · 24/12/2018 18:17

I can imagine only too well how bad you feel for your son, but you can't fix this for him. If he was ostracised at school by these other young people, then there is no mileage in relationships with them as school is quite recent. If your son has friends at uni then he will be in touch with them constantly on social media, so he probably isn't feeling too lonely while he is home. Is there a gym he could go to maybe? I know my lad likes to at least feel he is doing something useful like stay in shape while he is home and bored with us all. He goes running, swimming etc as well.

bigbluebus · 24/12/2018 18:31

My DS doesn't socialise with people he was at school/college with any more. He has a job in a bar near to home and can dip in and out f it when he's home so he's working tonight and NYE. He also socialises with us - going out for meals or to the bar where he works where we meet up with other locals - so he can chat with them and not just us.

In the summer holidays he got a 10 hour a day manual job so was too knackered to socialise anyway. At Easter his girlfriend from Uni came to stay for most of it so again not having local friends to go out with wasn't an issue.

Can your DS invite any Uni friends to stay for some of the holidays?

GourmetGold · 24/12/2018 18:55

This sounds like me at that age. I was fine with friendships until about 12 years old, then not great after.
I'm now in my 40s and apart from my partner & a few fleeting friendships I've never been included by others....but now I know it's because I'm on the Autism spectrum.. I don't understand body language very well, socialising does not come naturally! I love my own company, so it's not a big deal for me, but I know it could be very upsetting for some people.
It might be worth looking into?? There are some online questionnaires to get an idea if there could be ASD.

HSMMaCM · 24/12/2018 20:45

My Dd has had a couple of friends from uni to stay. She does have a few friends here, but we've offered open house to all.

OhioOhioOhio · 24/12/2018 20:53

I feel a bit like your son and im 42.

ShalomJackie · 25/12/2018 09:59

Does he have any hobbies that mean he could join a local club when he is at home?

Original poster

Mamatoo · 26/12/2018 10:16

Thank you for your support - unfortunately his pub job wasn't available this year - it feels like we need to get him through New Year's Eve and then we away a few days. He loves football but won't go to the gym - but I ll try to encourage him. His local friends are ignoring all his messages which is awkward as I m really good friends with the family and he s known this boy since he was 2! Thanks to your support I ve managed keep out of it! And not done a thing- he had a lovely family day with older cousins yesterday - he seems ok - like you said he s on social media with his other friends. And maybe not all of us need or desire lots of friends and that's ok! Have a nice Boxing Day

OP posts:

Shazzasp · 26/12/2018 22:45

My son is 16 & just sits in his room all day on his xbox. I'm always trying to get him to contact his mates & go out but he says he prefers staying in & talking to them on his Xbox! It's really frustrating coz I feel it's not healthy staying in all day. He hasn't been out since he broke up from college last Thursday! He doesn't want to get a job. He has no hobbies. Should I be worried? He seems happy.

Original poster

Mamatoo · 27/12/2018 08:21

I think if this is your sons choice and he s happy with how things are there is no need to Be worried.
My worry is because my son tries to see these boys and they say they're busy bit don't invite him and he s unhappy and I ve noticed a change in his mood.
He s said that he was depressed last year and had shared with a few of the boys how he was feeling and why and that made no difference. He used to be such a happy
Little boy -I am concerned he will grow to be a depressed adult. I don't really
Know what he s doing to make himself so
unpopular.

OP posts:

Blessthekids · 27/12/2018 11:21

These other kids are clearly not worth bothering with and to be honest he is well rid of them. I would encourage him to realise it isn't him but them. If they ostracised him at school then when they all get back together during holidays, the tendency is to revert back to old ways. I went to a school reunion once and the bitching about some of our old classmates returned despite it being nearly 20 years since we last saw them, I was horrified and never went to another one. Let him move on and break any emotional ties to this group. Maybe next year some of them will grow up and become decent adults but until then I would do my best to keep him busy. Ask him to go through all his old stuff to give it away to a charity shop, if he doesn't drive send him off for driving lessons and time to paint that spare room???

Blessthekids · 27/12/2018 11:24

Remember OP that as his bonds with Uni and new friends grow, these old "friends" will mean less and less to him.

Maverick66 · 27/12/2018 12:54

OP
I know exactly how you feel.My daughter is 26 this is the story of her life.
It is awful and I fear what the future holds for her.She has never had a boyfriend even tho she is pretty, kind, genuine lovely girl. She just never 'fitted' in and I am at a loss to understand why.

Blessthekids · 27/12/2018 15:34

@Maverick66

This is hard. Is she introverted? I think its ok when someone enjoys their own company and is happy doing their own thing. Its not so good when they need others but just haven't found the right tribe yet. I think all you can do is try and enjoy the times you have together and with family and then encourage any efforts she makes to get herself out there. I used to worry a lot about my eldest but after reading Quiet and understanding what being an introvert is, I feel better about things. However, I do think I messed it up a bit and despite her being pretty content with her life, she always says things like I'm just not popular - this is my influence . I'm trying to correct that now but I also worry I will end up making things worse.

Maverick66 · 27/12/2018 18:28

Bless
That's the thing she is very sociable but lacking in self belief/confidence if that makes sense?
She works in an all female environment so doesn't get to socialise meet anyone through work as her work colleagues are all married/partnered with/without chikdren.

She just would like to meet a boyfriend as she has pretty much given up on meeting any genuine friends. So she is content to socialise with cousins etc but she never seems to meet a potential partner. It worries me as forging relationships is all part of life's tapestry and I fear that she will wake up someday and realise life has passed her by.

Blessthekids · 28/12/2018 12:35

Oh @Maverick66 yes it makes sense to me, bless her. Has she thought about taking part in a workshop or course to help with it. It may give her some strategies but also meet people who understand. I think if it were not for the internet, those who are quieter would really struggle in this world, at times it seems so loud, all surface no substance.

Regarding the dating. Has she thought about online or app dating? I don't think anyone finds it easy to meet someone in day to day life anymore. I have an acquaintance who does her best to organise a date every Friday, she has yet to meet the right guy but she's made a few friends, given her thicker skin and had some fun dates. Its a very systematic approach but she feels she's tried everything else so why not...I realise its not for everyone.

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