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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

19yr old with no friends at home

40 replies

Mamatoo · 24/12/2018 00:32

My Son was ostracised by the pupils at his school and when he went to University he made lots of new friends and seemed to be living like a 'normal' teen. I had hoped this Christmas things would be easier of him, but they are worse than ever. He hasn't been out once with any friends and even local friends don't want to include him in their plans. it may seem like not such a big deal but it has been going on for years and although he seems fine at University, it makes the holidays long and boring for him. He invites people out and they just ignore his messages.

I find it difficult as well - we are quite sociable and meet up with other parents all the time and hear about the fun times their teens (who are ignoring my son) are having.

I just don't know how to help him - or if i need to help him at all - anything i have tried - has backfired and made things much worse. He doesn't want help but i know it's really hard for him.

What can i do? I'm dreading Easter and the long Summer holidays already.

OP posts:

Cleebope2 · 28/12/2018 15:29

I feel the same about dSwho recently turned 20. He has lots of online friends but never socialises. He shares a student house but hates it and has moved home for 7 weeks until classes restart at the end of January which is very late. He won’t get a job. He has a driving licence but refuses to drive alone. He won’t go to the gym. He’s never dated a girl. I worry about him so much. He likes his uni course but is terribly shy. He just does things with us as a family. I have posted about him before and get so sick of people telling me to just leave him be!

Original poster

Mamatoo · 28/12/2018 16:48

I m sorry to read you are so worried about your son - it is a worry when they are not settled and happy and that's not necessarily easy to understand if your child is the one in the popular group with lots of friends.

One thing I ll take from these conversations is that life is about them Being able to find their place in the world and be with the people who are right for them and this can take some time to do.

I have tried to take a step back and stop trying to fix it for him all the time and I m then left with my own anxious feelings that I have to put up with. It means that he doesn't have new clothes to wear because he can't be bothered and that he doesn't go out at the weekend and has a job delivering pizzas!

With reading all the stories about others struggles makes it easier to bite my
Lip and not try to fix it - it may not even need fixing! He s already decided not to bother with the boys from school and focus on a few friendships with local boys and uni friends which is progress I think!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamatoo · 28/12/2018 17:47

Oh no - he s nothing to do on New Year's Eve - any suggestions?

He s delivering pizzas til 8pm and the one friend he s hoped he could hang out with is going to a party he can't go to!

We re having friends over! Do I cancel my plans and go out with him?

OP posts:

Blessthekids · 28/12/2018 18:28

We re having friends over! Do I cancel my plans and go out with him?

Could he just join in with you and your friends? I'm not sure he would appreciate you cancelling and taking him out!

Cleebope2 · 28/12/2018 19:51

I would ask him what he wants to do. Why can’t he go to the party with his friend?I wouldn’t cancel my plans if I were you but Iwould ring/text etc to check in with him. Just go out,it’s just one night.My son will probably be staying in alone too . I have invited friends over but no concrete plans as yet. I hate to leave him alone on NYE but I’m constantly encouraging him to make plans and I can do no more.

Maverick66 · 28/12/2018 20:50

@Blessthekids

Cleebope2 · 29/12/2018 01:38

Sorry just realised you said you were staying in with friends. thats Fine then, that’s enough, he can have a glass of bubbly with the bells with you!

Sophiesdog11 · 29/12/2018 10:35

Op, it sounds like you are over worrying about your son, maybe because you have such an active social life, you expect him to have the same when home? Or maybe you want him to be seen to, by your friends?

My DS is now in 3rd yr at uni (but actually on a placement year). He was part of a mixed group of about 12 in latter school years, and made a great group of friends at uni. During first year, his school friends met up at all hols, but that dropped off in second year, I guess as Easter and Xmas are important pre-exam times when at uni.

DS had June at home prior to starting placement, think he met local friends who were around just once, but lots were either not yet back or away with uni friends. One girl has completely blanked the group in last 12 months, for whatever reason.

He has been home for a week now and not seen his group. Some went out last Sunday but PIL were here and he preferred to see them. He is meeting a different school friend for coffee today but as of yesterday, has no plans to see the main group or go out on NYE. No fallings out, it’s just not happened, assume lots will be busy with post Xmas exams and family time.

He isn’t bothered, we aren’t bothered, he is very happy generally and his life is moving on away from our home town, despite him still coming back to see us regularly. The difference is that we don’t have a busy social life, so don’t feel we have to push him to be out Xmas eve or NYE. We have all been enjoying the holiday doing family walks in daytime and chilling in front of TV in evenings.

I can see DS having less and less social interaction with local friends when home - 1 or 2 have never moved away but those that did, will start to graduate and move with jobs this year, which will also change the dynamic.

Incidently, DD18 has not gone away, nor have some of her friends and she has other friends back from uni too. As this is her first legal NYE, she is desperate to go out, but most of her friends don’t seem bothered! Maybe the younger generation don’t set as much stall at being out on NYE??

Original poster

Mamatoo · 30/12/2018 22:55

Hi There
I m not worried by the fact that he doesn't go out - more the fact he s upset that neither his school friends or local friends want to include him and he tells me he s lonely down here. We do family things and are going away for a few days but he doesn't really want to do things with us all the time and tends to say no to cinema or shopping or dog walking! You would never know he feels like this as he seems happy but I know he s a down about it. It's been reassuring to know he s not alone and I know this time of his life will pass and I hope he doesn't have to wait too long!

OP posts:

Cleebope2 · 31/12/2018 00:13

Does he not have any siblings or cousins to do things with? I am feeling happier today as DS has accepted an invitation to a party tomorrow night. Little things like that make all the difference even If it’s only once a month!There’s so much pressure on certain events to socialise. My DS díd nothing at all for his 20th birthday which made me feel he was missing out.Hope it works out ok for the lonely ones on NYE. Then January can just be a low key month.

Original poster

Mamatoo · 31/12/2018 20:00

If only, he has a younger sister who does her own thing, he s just upset as he s tried to organise things and so called friends have just ignored his messages or say they're busy! He s not been out socially once since he returned on 14th ! Tonight he s delivering pizzas and then picking his sister up for cash! It's just tricky seeing him lonely but at least he s friends at uni, good thinking tho to go out with cousins etc...

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 31/12/2018 21:28

If he likes football he should join a local football club, it might be worth examining why he’s been excluded from school and local friends, something has gone wrong.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 21:35

Does he always come home in the holidays? I used to come back for a week then go and do my own thing again.

You seem a bit over involved tbh. I’d just let him get on with it

BarbarianMum · 01/01/2019 11:06

The thing is, these kids couldn't be clearer that they're not interested in his friendship. I think both you and he need to let go of the idea that they should/could/might meet up with him or include him in their plans. If they don't want his friendship-their loss. He should concentrate on his new friends.

Firefliess · 01/01/2019 13:44

I think the main thing that would worry me about your DS is that he doesn't seem to be picking up when he's not wanted. For whatever reason he is trying to break into a friendship group that he's not actually part of. He needs to realise that of people keep turning him down he needs to give up on them and not demeen himself by keeping on at them.

Easter is not such a social time and he'll probably have revision to do. Help him find a job for the summer. You could suggest he invites a uni friend to stay at some point.

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