Drug dealing

[Countfrogula]

Christ, where to start?
My beautiful 16-year-old son started smoking cigarettes at 13. We were sort of expecting him to have a go at some point and assumed he'd give up after a bout of coughing and spluttering.
He didn't, and continued to smoke despite us trying coercion, anger, giving him the science (in edited, child-friendly form) and threatening and then carrying out various sanctions.
When he did stop within about a year it was because he went on to weed.
Again, not entirely unexpected and we thought he'd quit when we hit him with the dangers to his mental health and the like. We also stopped his allowance so we weren't paying for the damn stuff and banned it from the house.
Scroll forward to last night, when my wife - who has the sense of smell of a bloodhound - followed the scent of skunk to a loose floorboard in a cupboard in his room where she found hash, a mini set of scales sticky with the stuff, some empty baggies and £245 in cash (including two £50 notes).
We confronted him when he got home, telling him we suspected him of dealing. He denies this and says it all belongs to a friend who is dealing but can't hide his gear at home, so my son is doing it for him in return for regular fivers and spliffs.
After a horrible discussion in which his chief concern seemed to be that we'd invaded the privacy of his room, I decided to go to the police - not to shop him, but for advice, not knowing who else to turn to at 1am.
A lovely officer talked me off the ledge and said he wouldn't prosecute ('We don't want to criminalise 16-year-olds') but would refer my son to the police drugs prevention programme. We expect to see a specialist officer within a month or so. On giving my surname, which is highly unusual, it turned out that he knew my son, having stopped him in the street this year on suspicion of dealing. My son only had a small amount of weed on him, so they confiscated it, gave him a bollocking and sent him on his way. This was obviously news to me.
Over to you, Mumsnetters - how do I help my clever, funny, kind, emotionally-intelligent boy (who is also rather lazy and a bit of a follower) to get off this train now before it takes him to a destination he might find it difficult to return from?

Hi astrajet, my ds got involved when he was 13 back in 2018 - see above. After I sussed out what was going he withdrew the world but worked really hard at school, after glowing parents evenings and mock results was told his poor behaviour meant they won't have him in sixth form (there had been no complaints about his behaviour). He got brilliant gcse results and terribly depressed at having to change school. He lost touch with all his friends. He got really good a'level grades (still very depressed but does have a girlfriend) and a place at top uni to do STEM. The situation re his mental health is not good which he puts down to the drugs. The situation is not ideal and the ripples are still rippling but I can't imaging where we would be now if he was still doing drugs. He is very angry with me still. I can only pray that his depression lifts as he won't accept counselling. We have good days but more bad days.

Zombie thread.

If it is helpful for anyone else revisiting this thread, things initially got much worse for us. The frequent high strength weed use caused psychosis in DS. We took him out of the country for a while, got him totally clean. He eventually got a job and seemed to be on an even keel.

Then he decided he was ok to start smoking weed again a few months ago, and we are right back to living in hell. The stuff is literally everywhere. I see so many people going about their lives smoking it, and I don't know how, but maybe they can function on it, I know that my DS can't.

Hello all - long time no cupcake.
I see astrajet asked how things were going... and I'm delighted and relieved to say the news is good.
My son, who is now 20, has been off the weed for some time, although he smokes the odd (conventional) ciggy. I doubt that will last, as he's taking his fitness really seriously now.
I'm afraid I don't have any magic advice for the many of you struggling with this ghastly business - and anything that may have worked for us may not work for you (different parenting, different family dynamics, the different personalities of our children, and differing levels of support).
To be honest, I think we were lucky. If my wife and I deserve any credit it may be for sticking by our son, despite his incredibly damaging behaviour and stubbornness in the face of the overwhelming evidence that what he was doing was potentially life-changing.
I know of parents who kick their kids out, hoping the shock will bring them round, and of those who use anger (we tried that, but we're not very good at it, and it was clearly counter-productive, just driving him into his shell).
We made it clear that it was in his interests to stop - that the dangers to his health and personal safety were appalling.
But we always kept the lines of communication open. Every few days I would ask him, as calmly as I could in the circs and without anger, how many joints he was smoking a week so that it became a sort of ongoing conversation and defanged all the argy bargy. I wanted him to be able to come to us if he was scared or had doubts - not see us as the enemy.
But the credit really goes to him for eventually recognising the dangers, seeing how some of his friends were affected by drugs (anxiety and psychosis - in one case, the stabbing to death of a family member) and giving it up.
He acknowledges now how difficult it was for us, how scared we were for him and how smoking dulled his senses and affected his latter school years.
He didn't get great grades, but he has found a job he loves and is looking to the future. Happily, the weed hasn't affected his mental health.
We didn't have much luck with the various charities and groups set up to help families in our situation - but the police were terrific.
I went to them at 1am in tears after finding evidence that suggested my beautiful boy was dealing, and they did their best to help him avoid getting in any deeper. They were patient, kind and supportive. They didn't want to nick him - they wanted to help him.
It was a vile time, and I can't tell you how glad I am that it appears to be over.
The chemical and social effects of weed change our children - make them seem like hostile strangers. But they're still in there somewhere.
If any of you are faced with a similar situation - my advice is to make sure your child knows they can talk to you. Always leave that door open.
Keep on keeping on, however hard it is. We're parents - it's what we do.
Good luck.

such great news and well done to you and your wife. The teen years are truly terrifyingly/exhausting and you have to face things that before you had children you never thought could happen to you. You stuck together and have come through.

Shocked to read some of the unhelpful responses. Of course you consider your son as great, he's your son! You actually sound very helpful and suitably concerned. Good for you for going to the police for advice.

I don't have any suggestions but I have two boys and this would be my nightmare. We've moved into an area that wiped us out financially to try to combat future potential problems given that the crime rate is exceptionally low.

Wish I read this thread sooner. Please could you message me.

Hi Meltinthemiddle,
I hope you're ok?
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