Drug dealing

[Countfrogula]

Christ, where to start?
My beautiful 16-year-old son started smoking cigarettes at 13. We were sort of expecting him to have a go at some point and assumed he'd give up after a bout of coughing and spluttering.
He didn't, and continued to smoke despite us trying coercion, anger, giving him the science (in edited, child-friendly form) and threatening and then carrying out various sanctions.
When he did stop within about a year it was because he went on to weed.
Again, not entirely unexpected and we thought he'd quit when we hit him with the dangers to his mental health and the like. We also stopped his allowance so we weren't paying for the damn stuff and banned it from the house.
Scroll forward to last night, when my wife - who has the sense of smell of a bloodhound - followed the scent of skunk to a loose floorboard in a cupboard in his room where she found hash, a mini set of scales sticky with the stuff, some empty baggies and £245 in cash (including two £50 notes).
We confronted him when he got home, telling him we suspected him of dealing. He denies this and says it all belongs to a friend who is dealing but can't hide his gear at home, so my son is doing it for him in return for regular fivers and spliffs.
After a horrible discussion in which his chief concern seemed to be that we'd invaded the privacy of his room, I decided to go to the police - not to shop him, but for advice, not knowing who else to turn to at 1am.
A lovely officer talked me off the ledge and said he wouldn't prosecute ('We don't want to criminalise 16-year-olds') but would refer my son to the police drugs prevention programme. We expect to see a specialist officer within a month or so. On giving my surname, which is highly unusual, it turned out that he knew my son, having stopped him in the street this year on suspicion of dealing. My son only had a small amount of weed on him, so they confiscated it, gave him a bollocking and sent him on his way. This was obviously news to me.
Over to you, Mumsnetters - how do I help my clever, funny, kind, emotionally-intelligent boy (who is also rather lazy and a bit of a follower) to get off this train now before it takes him to a destination he might find it difficult to return from?

Sorry to read your post. Very difficult scenario with our own son who has asd. Regularly smokes weed. I hate it. Tried drug support and camhs are working with him. I hate the smell of weed. Triggering for me now. Try and keep communication open so he feels he can rely on you and be honest about what is going on. We have had shocking things to deal with but try and make our son still feel loved. He is vulnerable. Police have been supportive as much as they can be anyway

County lines is rife. I hope you get support

We have also had our son arrested. So I totally get why you went to the police

coronapop I am also a JP who sits in youth court. You are being somewhat disingenuous in linking to guidelines for adult drug offences which you clearly know, or should know, do not apply to under 18s.

OP you did the right thing. Some of the prevention work that police and youth offending do is very helpful but it will only work with some kids. I second the idea that you consider who your child is hanging around with and seriously consider whether moving area or school is a possibility to get some separation.

Along with the usual talk about the long term harm that smoking weed can do, give him the talk about even a caution meaning he may not be able to go to America for life etc and remind him that the police know who he is and he is on their radar.

Good luck to you, sometimes it is awful to see good parents accompany their child to court despite having done their best. Parenting teens is not easy and I am fully aware that this could happen to anyone of us.

OP, I'm not sure if you're still reading this, but I just wanted to say I really feel for you being in this position and that I think you sound like very good parents.

My (also intelligent and otherwise lovely) younger brother put our parents through absolute hell when he was a similar age, he was into all sorts of drugs (started with cigarettes and weed but I'm afraid to say it got worse) and my parents really struggled to know what to do about it. He had bad MH problems, was depressed and self harming, and they were afraid to e.g. ban him from going out or seeing certain friends in case it sent him into a downward spiral.

In my brother's case he eventually grew out of it and is now highly successful in both his professional and personal life. He barely thinks of that phase in his life and is now a super fit health freak who won't even touch a cigarette. I hope that gives you some reassurance. I remember watching him graduate from uni with a First and sobbing like a baby because I couldn't believe he'd stayed alive and come out the other side!

I wish I had some constructive suggestions for you but really I think it's up to your son to make the right choices for himself and no matter how heavy-handed and disciplinarian you try to be, if he really wants to use/deal drugs you won't be able to stop him.

Does he have any healthy hobbies or interests that you can really throw your support behind and try to get him to focus on? Music or sport for example?

Others on here seem to disagree but personally I think with parenting older teens you need to give them all the information and encouragement you can to make the right choices, and clear boundaries in the form of "house rules" and consequences, rather than trying to remove their access to the bad choices altogether, if that makes sense.

Good luck and make sure you get support for yourself if you need it.

Your lassez faire attitude in all of this is worrying to say the least. You have accepted him smoking and actively empowered him to do so. He didn't buy them with fairy dust, and at 13 wouldn't have any earnings to do so. You then allowed him to upgrade to weed. You seem to be playing down the drug dealing he is now doing. Bollocks that he was stashing it 'for a friend'. What are you going to do when he's sent to prison? Because be very certain that this is the pathway he is now on.

Right, well I really feel for you too. Some very harsh responses.

I don’t know the answer on this but my brother was also like this, dealing and everything. It’s probably not someone else’s kit.

He again is now ultra professional etc so he came out the other side, as did most of my friends. So I would also be on the side of expecting this to be part of a teenagers life because md and all my peers were like it and we were all fine.

However, it’s hard to know if he is the child who can get through a bit of dope smoking and low level dealing and come out the other side, or if he will end up involved in gangs and running county lines. You will have a better idea about that than us.

In my opinion, you need to be really harsh here.... zero tolerance to nefarious activities. Short leash.

The fun for us was being on the edge of the line, make that line shorter and they will find a way to get the teenage kicks without breaking the law.

It’s impossible to get this stage of parenting right I think. X

I think frightening him by telling him possible consequences for himself would have worked by now if it was going to.

If he’s emotionally intelligent, kind to others etc, then you could try the tack of explaining to him other things organised crime does- funds prostitution, people trafficking, destroys communities etc.

I genuinely think in ten, fifteen years tops it will be legal here as well as Canada/some US states. The money involved is too big and the tobacco companies are poised to use it to replace dwindling cigarette sales. I thought the ending to Weeds was ridiculous when I first saw it, but lo and behold it’s true now in some parts of the US. The next Starbucks will be a weed cafe/edibles chain.

So I don’t think the dangers of weed will put him off. But the harm caused to others by criminality might.

I am still reading this, Ginger, and I'm grateful for the many positive suggestions and supportive comments from various Mumsnetters.
This is a very isolating experience, so it's a big help to read the accounts of others in similar circumstances.
Good luck to all of you.

I have similar experience with my young teen. Try to find a local substance support group. The Children's Society operates one in my area. They have been great. Our stories are mirrored all over the UK and those that damn of our children simply have no idea what is going on with County Lines and how it destroys the lives of good, kind and loving children and families. I fully support the idea of legalised medicinal cannabis on prescription, but that is where I draw the line. Street cannabis has been bred to be highly potent and highly addictive. It might not be just cannabis, it might contain other more dangerous substances like SPICE. It affects young brains more than older brains because the neural pathways are still forming until they are 25. My experience is that it doesn't take much to get a child addicted and it takes a long time to get them back - they'll be shunned by "friends", become depressed and lonely, angry ... our child was loving, kind, thoughtful, hardworking before a "friend" offered them someone one afternoon. I am in no doubt they have been groomed and exploited - it comes down to someone wanting to make money from them. Just keep loving them and trying to guide them back. Don't give up.

Thanks for your comments, KD. Sounds like you've been through the wringer, too. I couldn't agree more with 'keep loving them and trying to guide them back. Don't give up'.
I hope things work out well for you and your child.
For you and anyone else who's been following this thread, two police officers from the drugs prevention team came to chat to our son last week about the dangers and the legal implications of what he was up to.
They were friendly but firm and tried to get him to open up about what he was involved in without grassing anyone up. He was unengaged, which shouldn't surprise me, given the circumstances, although he isn't usually like that. He's also annoyed with me for dobbing him in - although he isn't actually in trouble with the police. Their approach at his low level of drug use is to try to prevent that sort of thing.
They put the frighteners on him a bit about the sort of things that could happen to him if he was caught dealing, the sort of evil bastards involved in the drugs trade and the fact that once they've got their hooks into you, it's incredibly hard to break free.
He's still smoking weed, but we're pretty sure they've put him off any thoughts of dealing.
Small steps, but in the right direction.

For all those saying “it is not to be expected that a teen will smoke and try weed”, where did you grow up?!?! It is pretty common I would say.

No answers for you but I do think he is bullshitting you and he is the one dealing.
Sorry. Not helpful I know. My friend was as wild as the hills growing up, drugs parties in the attic of her parents house and hash plants in the garden. They just constantly turned the other cheek. They have a good adult relationship. I was kept on a tight leash and was a lot less wild and now have a functioning r’ship only with my remaining parent, now this could all be for many other reasons but my advice would be if you want to think long term then don’t alienate him too much and you sound liberal so be liberal. If you come down hard and it is not what feels right to you then it won’t work. In fact nothing will stop him doing what he is going to do anyway. Ride it out and hopefully see him on the other side? Could you suggest doing a wknd activity with him so he has less free time to punt and get high? Or part-time job? Keeps some of them out of mischief. Good luck. Will all turn out as it is meant to and most kids end up pretty similar to their parents.

Also watch Gomorrah with him?! And The Wire?! Season 4 of the wire especially. Removes one iota of glamour from the drugs trade.

Countfrogula I'm sorry to hear what's going on with your DS. I have no advice to offer other than to say - and to say to others who posted here - that this is not your fault.

I also live in Brighton and have a teen DS. He has not dabbled in weed but is certainly in the minority amongst his peers.

I know many of the kids from his primary school (who had decent, caring parents who set good clear boundaries) who are now hooked by weed. So many. It really is part of the teen culture here. Loads of bright, sporty kids just giving up their previous interests and only wanting to smoke weed.

County Lines are a thing, but usually it is a friend of a friend who gets the bulk and then the group all buy their own. I'm not personally aware of any kids being runners.

Does school know officially? They are very well aware of the issues. A group were excluded last year just before exams. However, making an example doesn't seem to work with this issue.

I just wanted to let you know you weren't on your own with this in Brighton. It's rife and has shown me you can be a great parent but your kid may still get into weed

Thanks Renton. I'd love to let him get on with it, and then - presumably - grow out of it.
But what makes me intervene is the fear that, however statistically unlikely, it may affect his mental health - a well-documented danger for young users of modern high-strength pot.
Although I think he'll probably be OK, I can't bear the thought that he could be left with serious, lifelong problems such as psychosis, schizophrenia or depression on my watch.
I'm his dad, and it's my job to protect him.
I question my role in this every day... and I'm still none the wiser as to whether I'm doing the right thing!

I really feel for you OP. I’m reading this at silly o’clock whilst my 14yo is sleeping next to me in the lounge trying to come out the other side of a terrifying trip of some kind. I think he’s got hold of some weed laced with spice, or has taken acid.

Gangs and County lines are rife in East Sussex. If they’re involved, moving won’t help necessarily unless it’s so far from where you used to live that it’s actually impossible for them to travel back. We mortgaged up to our eyeballs for a ‘quick exit’ from our previous house, as our boy was caught up in this and we thought moving away may be the answer, but the pull is too strong and he just finds his way back.

Our situation may be slightly different, in that we know our son has been groomed by older lads, and once they’ve got their claws in, things can escalate with insane speed-you see this stuff on the news, but don’t expect it can happen to your family. It’s so sad 😞

All the best to you op, and the others going through similar.

Hey, sorry to hear what you are going through. For what it’s worth I think you are a wonderful mum for going to the police and you did the right thing. However I wouldn’t rely on the police to help much in regards to their “special officers” or whatever team they’ve said will help you with this. You mentioned some agencies, one of them was Addaction. I would really reccomend you get in touch with them, they have a non opiates service and you would be surprised that cannabis is one of the leading reasons people come for help with their addiction problems. I am currently training to become a recovery ambassador in my city and we are based next door to Addaction they are absolutely amazing. I know that right now you are not seeing this as an addiction and at this stage it probably isn’t, however most substance abuse problems start as recreational use and then develop to addictions over time. There’s a perception that you can’t get addicted to cannabis but you can and from my own experiences it can ruin your life. I started smoking cannabis at 15/16 and even though I went to uni, had good jobs etc it slowly destroyed everything in my life. I’m not saying this will happen to your son but it does happen and you would be doing no harm at all by urging him to go down and have a chat with the people at Addaction and if he doesn’t want to then you can go yourself and get some support and advice. I smoked for 14 years pretty much and I am so happy that I don’t anymore. Some people are saying it’s always gang related and that’s not always the case, there are different types of people that sell and use cannabis, some are just your hippie type and some are criminal gangs. If what your son has told you about the stash in his room is true, then this does show an element of him being coerced into doing things which he does not realise could have implications on his family life and his future. The other issue is that nowadays they put all sorts in the weed and this can get them hooked on other stuff, I know this as used to know a wide range of dealers who would “bag” cannabis in my home at the time etc and nowadays a lot of spice/mamba etc is being disguised as cannabis and that is really dangerous stuff. I would really suggest you speak to Addaction they are absolutely brilliant and they barely even talk about drugs, just give you support and help you get your confidence and identity so you don’t need drugs and make positive decisions. They will help with all sorts. It may be something he grows out of but equally could get worse over time. He’s lucky to have you anyway, a lot of people just ignore it and that really isn’t helpful. They also have some agencies that are more tailored for younger people. They will all be on the frank website that you’ve seen. Just give them a call and have a chat, they’ll be no harm in doing so and it will help to put your mind at ease.

Arghhh! Just realised I put wonderful mum and you are his dad! replace mum with dad lol sorry just assumed! And you are right in being concerned with his health. You are doing the right thing to not just let him get on with it. I wish someone had intervened with me when I was his age

Hi, I just wanted to ask if you were o.k and have you been to some substance abuse agencies for support with what you have been going through? I want to let you know that there is hope that you will get through this. I was addicted to Cannabis for such a long time and acquainted with some very dangerous people and was completely groomed into being used for a place to sort drugs and all sorts of other things but once you quit and you stick to it they really do get the message. I still see these people all the time in the street, they are high level gangs etc but once they know you are serious they don’t bother with you anymore. They know they can offer me weed on a gold plate now and I still wouldn’t touch it. A big part of this was the support I got from substance abuse services and they will help you build Yourself up from the inside so no one can get to you. I hope you are getting some help and I know one day you won’t have to go through this anymore.

I really feel for you, we have been going through similar with our 16 year old. Our GP suggested, if he has an uncle or aunt you can place him with far away , for at least 3 to 4 months, or you can plan a very loooong trip , that could give him that he needs
to be free of the maruijuana habit. A lot of people believe natrural hallucingens are free of harm, but sadly, not so. Its not the 'high' you enjoy that is the issue, its the mood swings inbetween, and the withdrawal that the person feels , until they dont feel 'normal' without the marijuana , so they feel they ' need' it. until the next time they smoke it.

I have been through a similar situation with DS. Why do they do it ? Easy money and looking cool, it pays for their own hash. It doesn't mean necessarily that they are smoking more than their peers, just they've got more business sense . It's really important to keep lines of communication open with your DS. Listen to him without judgement if possible. Tell him you trust him to make good choices for himself ( hard I know ). If you don't trust him , he won't learn to trust himself. At the same time he needs to understand that he's totally crossed a line. The police know him now so he'd be a total idiot to carry on as he'll be picked up and busted.
My DS has grown up and is a totally a drug free, highly motivated successful young man now, but we did go through an extremely stressful couple of years with him. I think him knowing that we loved him and were there for him and that we trusted him to ultimately make good decisions for himself gave him the confidence to not succumb to peer pressure and sort himself out.

Every time we trust DS, he goes out and scores. He then has the mood swings for a week or so, until it is out of his system and we start over.

Interested in what Such said about moving house, as it is the option we are looking into currently. DH and DD are convinced it will be a fresh start, but I worry that he will just start up again wherever we are, possibly with stronger consequences if he gets mixed up with the gangs.

And so we are now thinking about what misumma suggested, and taking him away somewhere completely different for a month or so to get him clean.

In the meantime, DS hates me, has done since around xmas, as he blames the reasons he is self medicating on me. Says he was bullied at school and I did nothing. (He actually left school 2 years ago, so seems odd for it to be having such an effect on him now, and if true, he didn't tell me at the time for me to be aware/do anything about it.)

The things I have found hardest in all of this are the constant lies, and the complete lack of remorse.

I tried Addaction, and they didn't work for me. Said to talk to him, and keep listening, etc. Well, yes, but what does that look like when they are frantically trying to sell things to raise money to score, and it is their only topic of conversation? I have said I won't enable him, but I am also constantly settling his debts.

This is hell. Because I can see no progression. It is one step forwards, three back.

Sorry again count for taking over your thread.

This is no longer my thread, Monkey - and quite right, too.
I just started it off. It now belongs to all of us, and anyone else who wants to chip in constructively.
I've been very moved by many of the messages - clearly, some of you are in far deeper than I am. My heart goes out to you.
It's has also been reassuring to read how people have been through this and come out the other side.
This is clearly going to be a long road - one I have no choice but to travel.
I'm grateful to all of you for helping me along the way.
A brief update.
My son is still smoking weed, but appears not to be involved in dealing or 'helping' his druggie mates any more (I know, I know... but let's hope it's true!).
A couple of positives, though. He's started doing some part-time work to earn a bit of money, and he's asked for gym membership because he wants to be healthier.
Small steps in the right direction.
Let's hope it doesn't all go tits up again.
Best of luck, peeps.

Hello there, I'm in the same position.. how did you get on with your son? i see the OP was written in 2018..