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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I'm at my wits end!

52 replies

WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 11:27

DD is 13. For the past 2 years her obsession with boys has spiralled out of control.
She has never found it easy to make friends, but over the past couple of years has had say 1 or 2 close friends at a time.
And for weeks it goes great. Until a boy comes along.
She will dump her friends for this boy, then when that goes sour she has to start over with trying to find new friends.
We have banned boys completely.
So we go into this thing where she can't go out for weeks, she cries, apologises and weeks pass with no issue.
Then she will do something. Get caught in a boys bedroom, in his bed.
Kissing another boy and getting a bit fruity.
Stalking another boy. Following him to lessons, waiting for him to finish after school activities.
She's even gone as far as to get her friends to message them and MESSAGE THEIR MUMS!
Trying to get on her new BF's brother (17) - This happened this morning.
With regards to the boy and his bed, the police were called just as a precaution warning to her (and him) as she was only 12 and he was 14.
We have had her in counselling the past 8 weeks which ended on Thursday. She was so loving and so different (to our face) but it's clear boys are her major priority.

Can anyone shed light on what to do? Or been in this position before?
She doesn't have a phone but has access to a tablet. She isn't on Facebook but is allowed Instagram.
She isn't allowed a phone because when she did, every day was something (and no I'm not exaggerating)
Her older sister walks to and from school with her (she's a year older) so she can't run off and meet these boys.
People told me when she was 11 that it was a phase.
People told me at 12 she would calm it down.
Now she's 13 and getting a right name for herself.
I've sat with her so often and told her she doesn't need boys. That she should concentrate on her studies/herself. She deserves to wait and have her pick of lovely boys when she's older.
It doesn't make a difference. At the time she nods and agrees and smiles. And for weeks she's like my old girly. Then, it's like having a bitch on heat! Any boy, every boy. An age, any looks. It doesn't matter. Even if they are taken!

It gives me bad anxiety every day. I hate it. I hate knowing now that she's lost another friend (who will no doubt tell everyone why they have fallen out) because of a boy. I don't care if she cries/kicks of because she can't get to them. But I worry the lengths she will go to.

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JustDanceAddict · 18/11/2018 11:53

Wow, I have no experience of this. Is it an attention thing, hormonal? I assume she must have started her periods.
Even DD’s friends who are more boy mad have never fallen out due to anything like this. I appreciate that some teens mature early - sounds like she has but can’t handle the feelings perhaps?

CarolDanvers · 18/11/2018 11:57

Please don't refer to your child as being like "a bitch on heat". Just horrible.

DaniEvans · 18/11/2018 12:39

Goodness sounds like you’ve got your hands full - so what would happen if she had a boyfriend? Or is it more about boys in general and wanting to experience different situations with different boys?

Do you think she’s very interested in experiencing sexual activity or do you think she is more interested in the excitement of the chase? And possible outcomes?

It sounds like a mixture of her age (hormones), desire to experiment (typical teen) and personality (risk taker, thrill seeker).

I think all you can do is firstly keep her safe by reinforcing boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not. Educate her of the risks and pitfalls of sexual activity (which you’ve probably done already).

Saying that I would be inclined to try and step back as much as you can (and as difficult as that may be) as IME with my DS (13) the more I tried to stop him doing something the more he’d do it - just became more devious.

I’d be really focused on keeping communication open with your DD and trying a more supportive role rather than disciplinary (I’m not implying you’re not supportive but sometimes things become all consuming and you can feel like you have to be seen to be ‘doing something’ as a parent which often involves consequences).

Try and sort your own feelings out as well (I know how hard that is). Feeling stressed and anxious is not good for you.

I hope things improve x

Singlenotsingle · 18/11/2018 12:47

Màybe she should go on the pill? Some people say it reduces their sexual desires

WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 12:48

She was like this even before her periods started. We've been through every possible scenario of why but come up with nothing.

She will go with any boy. Or at least tries to. She happily shut off a 5 month very close r/ship with a lovely girl over a boy and when he dumped her, she tried going back to the friend but she didn't want to know.
There was whispers that she had sexual contact with one boy when she was 12. That is when the police were involved. I also took DD to the doctors, who spoke to her and then straight to counselling. She told the doctor she couldn't help herself.
She is so loving and so beautiful and so so funny. Until a boy comes around.
She will happily take her friends bf's too, or talk to them. No one is off limits. Even elder DD's male friends & younger DS's friends are not out of bounds.

Yes, I probably shouldn't have said 'bitch on heat' - I am not calling her a bitch, I was using that as a descriptive term of how she becomes. She becomes very head strong, very much on the look out. She will stalk, intimidate and push these boys to the brink of most probably, frustration. So no she isn't a bitch. It was just a reference to her behaviour.

She is not allowed out at all now.
But she has just come to me and asked for a phone for Christmas.
And told me it's not fair I don't trust her.

OP posts:
WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 12:52

I did think about the pill, but was warned by the GP that it could give her 'permission' to go further.
I absolutely know she is still a virgin, but GP was worried about her using being on the pill as an opening to go all out.

She is looking at me like I've lost my mind at her.
Saying its her life and she should be able to live it her way. And if that is with a boy then so be it.
I'm just so tired of something everyday with a boy and now her friends 'aren't friends' any more.
But she's more upset that she can't talk to the 17yr old brother than losing this friend (and probably more friends too as this friend was leader of the group)

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Mumof1andacat · 18/11/2018 12:56

Have the teachers raised concerns?

WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 13:03

No. The teachers say she's enthusiastic in lessons, always has her hand up, tries her best. We had parent's evening the other day and she was graded pretty well. B-C grades estimated.
She's so bloody clever academically. She enjoys homework and reading. I was going to talk to one teacher who 'patrols' at lunch time and see if they notice DD with boys etc.

Every thing in DD life is amazing. Except when a boy is around or she fancies someone.

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Mumof1andacat · 18/11/2018 13:10

Is there a sexual health service in you area or a youth charity? Maybe you and her could have chat with them and a nurse/youth worker about appropriate behaviour regarding boys and her age. Something along the lines of safety, protection and things from a legal angle due to her age

WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 13:17

Thank you. I didn't even think of the sexual health service. Maybe if they don't but I call and explain the situation they might help? I did call the Social Services myself around 18 months and asked for a voluntary referral which they accepted. They came twice, spoke to DD about boys/safeness/awareness/no means no etc but even with SS visit, police visit, GP visit and counselling, it didn't deter her.
We actually had an appointment with CAHMS too.
Because I just feel like her obsession is over the line and I worry she is going to get herself into trouble.

There is a lot more than DD has done, sorry to drip feed but these are the main big ones. The other bits all stem from boys. (Like I currently have the one she was caught in bed with currently walking past my house up to 3 times a day looking up at her window. Cul-de-sac so no need to be here.)

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Mumof1andacat · 18/11/2018 13:30

Looks like your covering all the bases op. Has anyone mentioned behaviour issues that could be linked to autism? Some people with this can be obsessional about things and lack social understanding? Does she have problems with friendships?

WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 14:03

We did go down that route and have been on and off since she was 5 but she doesn't show them what we see.
The school says there are no issues, the GP thinks there isn't any.
She is definitely 'behind' socially compared to others her age.
But it isn't enough for anyone to take us seriously. I think they think we are exaggerating her odd behaviour so I've swayed away from there being anything like Autism.
(This year for instance, for Christmas we are not leaving presents under the tree. She opened them last year - including her siblings presents and then went back to bed. She was 12! Told this to the school and they said she is just an excitable child. It is Christmas after all. She asked for make-up, a phone along with a glow in the dark unicorn teddy and a doll...)

Sorry to rant a little there.
She has messaged this friend and her words were
DD 'There. I've blocked your brother. Are you happy now?'
Friend 'Well yes you are meant to be my friend not his'
DD 'Well I don't see what your problem is. I can hang with him too'
Friend 'Because he's older and my brother. I don't want you to come to me and spend all day with him like I know you will'
DD 'I still don't see your problem but are you happy now? I wont talk to him again. Are we still friends?'
Friend hasn't replied (I have DD Instagram password so can monitor her messages.

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Santaispolishinghissleigh · 18/11/2018 14:07

Is there a hobby she could direct her obsessive nathre towards? Horse riding perhaps? Goal being to loan /get a pt job helping out? Swimming club?
A new focus and friends who dont know her may give her a fresh start.

Biggiraffe · 18/11/2018 14:10

I would definitely get her to go to a sexual health clinic, I really think your GP hasn't thought this through, I don't think it will give her the go ahead. Instead it protects her from the worst case scenario, becoming pregnant.
Yes she is young, but sooner or later it will happen and at least she is protected.

dancemom · 18/11/2018 14:16

Sounds like she is seeking attention that she feels she can only get from males.

Older siblings? Does she feel unattractive?

WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 14:25

She was in Cadets but caused a right old stink with these 2 boys so was asked to leave. Also the same with any youth club we got her into.
She isn't into horses, I used to own one and she wasn't in the slightest bit interested.
I am buying her a new bike for Christmas as she is a bike enthusiast so thought me and her could ride every night after school, chat/talk etc.
I'm also in the middle of sorting her to go to a girls self defence class which enrols on the 6th Jan. That is 2 nights a week. It's a mixture of boxing, kick boxing, self empowerment etc. She will be in a girl only group of other 13-16 year olds.
She hates swimming but we have a pool being built just around the corner. Maybe I could push her into that too.
From experience, it needs to be girls only. Not mixed.
I definitely feel like keeping her busy will push the boy thing to the back of her mind.

I think the GP thinks I'm being over the top. I think she sees DD and see everything is ok, DD knows about sex and stuff (she's currently studying Health an Social care & Child Development at school) so comes across quite well and logical. It doesn't help our situation.
I have cried a lot to this GP as I suffer with a MH problem, so maybe a new GP would benefit me and DD.
There is absolutely no harm in trying that. I can call tomorrow and request another one.

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Flashingbeacon · 18/11/2018 14:26

Surely if she’s in a mainstream school (ie not single sex) it must be an attention thing. Because school would be a nightmare if no one was off limits. Pupils, teachers and support staff would be bearing the brunt.
I can tell how stressed you are op so I’m not having a go but can you encourage her to find something to be proud off. Probably need a bit of forcing in the first instance. Things like choirs, volunteering, classes, sports. To me it sounds like she wants to be special (totally understandable).
I recognise the kind of behaviour as using her body to a selling point. Which sounds way worse but I hope you can see what I mean.

Flashingbeacon · 18/11/2018 14:27

Sorry cross post. I can see you’ve tried other activities. I would insist of finding what the situation at school is like but she’s surrounded by men there all day every day.

WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 14:29

dancemom now I mentioned this to the P, CAHMs and her SW that I feel when DD was younger she was very...different from others her age. She definitely didn't 'fit in' and go through the natural stages like her peers.
Ie: she never had a little boyfriend. Or a best friend. And all the other children would have a little bf/gf thing and she never did. So I do wonder if she feels like she missed out so rather than a gradual approach - she runs head first.

She knows she is pretty but she is over weight. She acknowledges that she is over weight and has recently asked for help to lose it. She can't stop eating/stealing food. (Another long story!) So she is now on home pack lunch and we are eating healthy as a family. Again, the bike thing will help her to get some exercise without actually knowing it.

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TatterdemalionAspie · 18/11/2018 14:31

I think it would be a good idea to read around how Asperger's/ASC presents in girls, to see whether a lot of that fits. This obsessive interest to the exclusion of all else (and not caring about the consequences) rings bells for me, as does some of the other stuff you've described. Boys/ romantic or sexually relationships can be a special interest for girls on the spectrum.

WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 14:36

It most definitely is an attention thing. I think she likes the constant need of being wanted. To be told she is loved, to be kissed, to just be wanted. It's like an acceptance thing I suppose.
She loves to be centre of attention - and we are now bridging on the negative side of it.
Any attention is attention as they say.
With regards to the self defence class, she will be going up in 'stages' just like karate. Earning a belt/wrap etc, so this will have (I feel) a great affect on her need of attention as she has to earn these then have a little celebration/graduation.
And the fact that the teachers are female really helps my needs, as well as hers.

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WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 14:41

We did speak to a friend of the family a while ago (Just after the boy in the bed thing) and she said it could be something called PDA and she ticked every box.
GP & school wouldn't have any of it.
We filled out a booklet for referral for Autism etc, it was denied.
We joke (not in front of her mind) about her having some kind of ADHD as she is up at the brink of dawn, she can't sit still, she is always so...excitable.
Teachers call her 'enthusiastic' 'chatty' 'excitable ' but say they don't see any other issues.

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blackcat86 · 18/11/2018 14:42

Unfortunately the more you to try to exert this inappropriate level of over monitoring and control the more she will rebel. She has no phone or social media, Instagram doesn't count if you can access/critique/publish her messages at will, and her mother is utterly obsessed with her child's sexuality. Should she stalking boys and getting into their beds, absolutely not but then you've made it quite the forbidden fruit. You seem to have an issue her even being around boys or talking to boys to the point you would ask the lunch staff if they've seen her. Teenage girls are dramatic, falling in and out of friendships, in and out of relationships and obsessing over the latest crush. What really worries me is that you've said that she goes back to 'Your little girlie' and then because she's dared to show an interest in boys she's a 'bitch on heat'. Have you contacted SS because you seriously need some parenting support. She's not your little girlie because she's not 3, she's 13 and becoming a young woman. DSS is 14, he has a phone, Instagram and Facebook. He regularly falls in and out with mates and has dated for about 2 years. He isn't sexually active but we've had frank and open discussions about sex. Having seen me go through pregnancy and care for a newborn has put him right off but he's still dating and working out what works for him. Let go a bit because you sound like you're from a cult in the deep south.

WeakLeftFin · 18/11/2018 14:44

So no Autism, no Asperger's, no adhd, no asd and no pda.
Even when we presented them with evidence to support our thoughts.
No anxiety, no depression, no need for anyone to see her.

I'm not taking this away from DD but it really affects my MH. I have such bad anxiety around her. The only time I am calm is when she is asleep. I fear as I've told the GP this, they think I'm just making it all up.
I swear, I am not exaggerating when I say there is a lot more to her and that I do feel wrapped up in bad anxiety that is just based around her.

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youarenotkiddingme · 18/11/2018 14:48

Ok a few things.

There is definitely some kind of obsessional and not neuro typical behaviour in your DD. Whether t is autism, OCD, ADHD or another type (I'm no psychologist!) remains to be seen.

However her behaviour is definitely a) out of the norm for her age (opening presents) and b) extreme where it is age expected (interest in boys).

My ds has autism and I had many people say "he's just excited, tired " but as a parent you know that the behaviours are extreme and have to find a way to explain that to the right person.
Point out you have 2 other children who a) don't present the same (eg not parenting) and b) you don't have concerns about.

My suggestion would be to copy and paste your posts on this thread and then put them into a bullet point list of concerns, actions and outcomes and send to everyone (school,GP, Camhs, SS) and ask for help. Clearly state you are doing all you can to safeguard her but are worried about your capacity to do so as a parent and that she needs professional help and assessment

Thanks
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