Calling all wise mums of teens (18 yrs old and over)..... advice needed!

[chenin]

I could do with a bit of advice....

I have 2 DDs 18 and 15 yrs old. With regards to my 18yo, she takes her last A level today and hopefully will get the grades to get into Uni in the autumn.

She is a good kid on the whole... works hard at school and works hard at a part time job outside of school, so earns her own money.

However, she is BONE IDLE!!! For the last few months I have let it go a bit because she has this evergreen excuse 'Mum, I am revising... studying... working hard for my exams blah blah' However, she has now finished her exams and I've told her that as soon as her exams finish, things have gotta change!

She does zilch in the house... her room is not a total mess as such, because it has been newly decorated and refurbished about 6 months ago so is easy to keep tidy.

However, she does nothing else. If she gets a letter in the post, she leaves the envelope lying around, as well as apple cores, crisp bags etc. I cannot think of one thing she does despite constant nagging from me. If I ask her to unpack the dishwasher, she will get round to it half a day later.... too late!!

My problem is.... I have no 'levers'. I don't give her any money.. she pays her way for everything (mobile, drinks, social life etc). So money is not a lever. When I get fed up with it I tell her that I will stop doing things for her if she does nothing for me... but all I do for her is cook meals, her washing and ironing. OK, I can stop doing her ironing but that is not gonna cause her a great problem, tbh. She drives and has her own car, so I can't withdraw lifts.

She doesn't go to Uni until end sept and I think it is gonna drive me mad! From now on, it will be constant partying and I think she is gonna be like an annoying flatmate who does nothing.

I have no idea where to start to get her to do things... I am working up to the 'big chat' round the kitchen table but need to be able to threaten her with something... I just don't know what! Any ideas, anyone?

Ds once came and sat in room to "talk" to me. However it soon transpired that what he wanted to talk about was how to extract yet more money out of me for more crappy techno gadgets.

When I stopped listening, he accused me of being uncaring and informed me he had come into room especially to talk to me. He was so offended However when I pointed out to him that in fact he had come to nag me rather than talk to me, he flounced out

Oh yes, the talk that is merely a means of trying to extract cash and bore you rigid whilst they talk about electronic/computer items! I am very good at saying yes or mmm at their pauses for breath, except when they get to the bit about money.

I'm only 26, so this isn't really that long back for me, lol. I was just like your daughter, only diff was, i wasn't going to uni, i was working.

My suggestion, (as this is what my mom did to me) dont do anything for her, dont cook, wash, iron.. nada.

All her things pile them up and for the first week, put them on the bed. Tell her if she doesn't start picking up her own things, next week they'll be on the lawn/drive.
If she doesnt pick them up, follow through with the threat, throw her things in the garden (in a bag if you feel better about it) and warn the next week anything you find will land IN THE GARBAGE. Follow through with the threat.

I know its harsh, but having my things end up being thrown away was enough to make me start picking up after myself.

Also, charge her rent, and if it makes you feel better, keep hold of it and give it her back when she goes to Uni, mom saved all the rent i paid her and gave it me back to pay towards my wedding 3 years ago - it was a nice surprise!

i love the premis to this thread
" am working up to the 'big chat' round the kitchen table but need to be able to threaten her with something... I just don't know what! Any ideas, anyone? "

PMSL.

i'm with minority rules re the bedroom.

draw up a rota. tell them they must help you becuase you are their mummy and they loe you.

charge the daughter 1/3 or earnings - save in seperate bank account unbenownst to her - for rainy dayy

Thank you... you lot! (Sorry I've been away and not back to check posts!)
Kaishay... you must be very young! And thanks for your input - I am doing black bag thing!
Custy... I know you and minorityrules are right... it's just putting it into action that is hard. Besides which DD1 is just off to Spain with her girlfriends for a week (celebrating end of exams - how much celebrating do you realllly have to do?!) So I have a week of grace, and can put my plans into action..... it's gonna be a long haul now till end Sept