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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Calling all wise mums of teens (18 yrs old and over)..... advice needed!

55 replies

chenin · 19/06/2007 14:57

I could do with a bit of advice....

I have 2 DDs 18 and 15 yrs old. With regards to my 18yo, she takes her last A level today and hopefully will get the grades to get into Uni in the autumn.

She is a good kid on the whole... works hard at school and works hard at a part time job outside of school, so earns her own money.

However, she is BONE IDLE!!! For the last few months I have let it go a bit because she has this evergreen excuse 'Mum, I am revising... studying... working hard for my exams blah blah' However, she has now finished her exams and I've told her that as soon as her exams finish, things have gotta change!

She does zilch in the house... her room is not a total mess as such, because it has been newly decorated and refurbished about 6 months ago so is easy to keep tidy.

However, she does nothing else. If she gets a letter in the post, she leaves the envelope lying around, as well as apple cores, crisp bags etc. I cannot think of one thing she does despite constant nagging from me. If I ask her to unpack the dishwasher, she will get round to it half a day later.... too late!!

My problem is.... I have no 'levers'. I don't give her any money.. she pays her way for everything (mobile, drinks, social life etc). So money is not a lever. When I get fed up with it I tell her that I will stop doing things for her if she does nothing for me... but all I do for her is cook meals, her washing and ironing. OK, I can stop doing her ironing but that is not gonna cause her a great problem, tbh. She drives and has her own car, so I can't withdraw lifts.

She doesn't go to Uni until end sept and I think it is gonna drive me mad! From now on, it will be constant partying and I think she is gonna be like an annoying flatmate who does nothing.

I have no idea where to start to get her to do things... I am working up to the 'big chat' round the kitchen table but need to be able to threaten her with something... I just don't know what! Any ideas, anyone?

OP posts:

suedonim · 19/06/2007 19:10

LOL @ your dd2.

Original poster

chenin · 19/06/2007 19:12

Haha the Prisoner... brilliant..!

Wychbold.. I know what you are saying. Its just that she knows how proud I am of her getting to a good Uni (fingers crossed!) and I can't withdraw emotional support. All those things are 'airy fairy' in her book... its just sort of a mum/daughter thing. However, when I have the BIG CHAT (it needs to be in capitals cos its gonna be v important), I am going to point all this out.

However, I am forever pointing out to her all that I do and it just seems a lot. She is a very demanding drama queen and totally 'me me me' most of the time so drains me at times. When I ask her 'name one thing you do for me'.. there is a stony silence. We have already argued today and she said 'I cleaned the washbasin in the bathroom last week'. Wow! Big Deal! I did ask her if she expected me to be grateful for that 2 minute task...!!!

OP posts:

glyn · 19/06/2007 21:38

There is hope, I can assure you!

My dd aged 18 similar to yours, except I draw the line at any mess outside of her room. her room is a tip- as you describe, but she doesn't make a mess in the rest of the house- basically- if she leaves any rubbish around I just get her down from her room amd make her put it the bin etc. I am keeping the pressure off until after the exams.

I think the only way to make her change is to have a chat- adult to adult- make her realise you aren't her personal maid- and set her some regular chores- such as loading the dishwasher etc once a day. If she refuses, I have no ideas, but the basis of this is to develop a better relationship between you - not a confrontation.

The hope- well after 3 years at uni, my son now complains about the state of his shared house and does most of the housework - but his room at home used to be diabolical!

I think it's all part of growing up - I personlly draw the line at anyone making a mess outside of their ownrom, but try to be relaxed about their rooms as I know that they will change in time.

Original poster

chenin · 19/06/2007 22:18

Hooray glyn! There is hope for me then...!!

OP posts:

wishingfourgotone · 19/06/2007 22:21

if she going uni leaving her to do own cooking washing will be good practice!

deste · 19/06/2007 22:40

When your daughter goes to Uni she will be the flatsharer from hell, and will get into lots of bother because her flatmates will not put up with it for long. If she wants an easy life and mates she will wise up soon.

Lilymaid · 20/06/2007 12:45

From my experience (and my DS's experience too) girls are far worse for mess in a student house than boys. However, as I've said further down, neither of my DS's feel it is necessary to do much at home.

mumeeee · 20/06/2007 15:59

My eldest Daughter is now 20 and has just finished her second year at uni. she was simular to your daghter at 18 and her room was a tip. She was also untidy around the house.
But she did do her own ironing and washing and we did encorage her to do some cooking. This helped her when she started Uni.
She can now run a house with her friends,sort out cleaning and cooking and take turns in making sure bills are paid.
She is moving out of her shared house at the end of the week as she will be moving to a different one.
Some of her housemates have already gone home so last week they all did a big cleaning job and got the house spotless for the landlords inspection.They showed me their work and I was impressed. The house was claener then mine!

mumeeee · 20/06/2007 15:59

Original poster

chenin · 20/06/2007 17:04

mummee... I think DD1 will get there eventually... its just that the process is pretty painful at the moment...

OP posts:

Lilymaid · 20/06/2007 17:07

mumeeee - my DS1 moved out of his house last week (shared with 6 other boys) - also a second year so has moved kitchen stuff to next year's house. DH collected him and said house seemed clean with nothing broken - though we shall have to see whether landlord pays back damage deposit. However, he has dumped all sorts of stuff in the hall at home which he has not moved since Saturday. Excuse - he is working. But so do DH and I and it isn't our stuff!

hellish · 20/06/2007 17:21

I remember my mum getting frustrated with me and my sisters at around this age as we never did much to help her now i realise we should have done a lot more as she was/ is a fantastic mum in every way.

BUT, i also really appreiciate the fact that she managed to put up with 'one more summer' of my selfish lazy teenager behaviour without going to war over it. I look back on that last few months at home with great fondness, yes I was out partying with friends and working for my own money (and spending it), but I also think that time was very special for me and my mum and we have always had a great relationship. I went off to uni in September and had a great time, but always wanted to phone and chat to my mum about what I was doing.

fizzbuzz · 20/06/2007 17:40

We have 3 like this. 20,17,13, all boys.

I refuse to cook anything any more. I never realised how hard teenagers were. When I see people on toddler threads, complaining about behaviour I think just you wait.

I don't even find it amusing any more, am so worn down with mess and lack of consideration

fizzbuzz · 20/06/2007 17:40

3littlefrogs · 20/06/2007 21:44

Oh poor Fizzbuzz. You sound really down.

Is there any chance you could get away for a weekend with some girlfriends and leave them to it? I know you will come back to the mess, but at least you will have had a nice time and a rest. Then, when you come back, just do the bin bag thing and let them sort out their own belongings.

I got so fed up with the towel situation in my house (use one, chuck on floor, get a clean one every time they have a shower etc) that I keep them in a trunk with a padlock, and only let them have one each per week.

I don't even bother cleaning their rooms, and TBH it has been really good for them, because they have been forced to have a sort out, if only so they can find their belongings

glyn · 21/06/2007 12:39

helliebean- I would say your daughter is old enough to do her own washing and ironing.
When my kids were about 11, I gave them their own laundry baskets and said that I would wash anything they put in it, but I was not going to stumble over everything in their bedrooms trying to find dirty pants and school shirts.

Now that my daughter is 18, I wash most of her things if they "fit" with the washing cycle I am doing, but I leave her handwashing and all her ironing for her - unless it's something really quick that I can add to the family pile.

My son wants to be really independent when he is home from uni and I am banned from doing his washing incase I do it wrong(?).

I know that in an ideal world everyone in a family should chip-in to help with chores, but I'd say that if you can set firm boundaries so that your doesn't get away with dropping litter around the house, and starts looking after her own clothes, well that's th e best you can hope for.

Is there perhaps a bit of jealousy that she is having a good time and you aren't? The answer to that is not to stop her partying, but to make your own life a bit more fun and see the chores as something that just have to be done and not make a big deal over them.
I personally don't feel it's children's roles to do the housework, 'cos you'd be doing that anyway for yourself, whether they were there or not ,except by keeping their own rooms tidy (fat chance) but also not to make a mess that someone else has to clear up. And if all else fails and you've got the cash- get a cleaner!

fizzbuzz · 21/06/2007 19:11

We also keep towels under lock and key. When they leave home (if ever )I will have a fluffy clean towel every day.

Until then sheets of cardboard once a week is sufficient

CarGirl · 21/06/2007 19:14

charge her rent!!!!!! Then you give her reductions for compliance on certain conditions so she doesn't have to pay anything??????????

Original poster

chenin · 21/06/2007 19:53

Some interesting posts here!

hellish I love your post about you being the one last summer at home with your Mum and her being great and letting you party. I know how much I will miss her when she is gone so I think that was great.

glyn I promise I'm not jealous of her and her social life! I am out a lot and go abroad quite a bit so that is not the case. I love the fact she has a brilliant social life cos if you can't do it at 18, with no responsibilities, no worries etc... when can you do it. I really don't expect my kids to be unpaid domestic slaves!! I know the house is down to me but when you have two DDs 5ft 8inch lolling around with two arms, two legs and being bone idle... to ask them to maybe unpack the dishawasher while I cook tea, is not a lot to ask is it?!! It is just the mess around and the fact they never pick anything up that gets to me. They have their own bathroom and I dont think its a lot to ask to get them to clean the washbasin every few days. I clean the floor, bath and loo in there... I spose I am just making a point really!

I am pmsl at putting towels under lock and key... that is fab!

OP posts:

hellish · 22/06/2007 01:53

Thanks Helliebean - my mum and dad are coming to stay for 2 weeks soon - I wonder if I should ask her to get the hoover out for me? Seriously, I am so excited to see her ( I live in Canada now) and yes we probably will drive each other mad after a while, but after reading this thread and being reminded of what I was like as a teen - I shall try extra hard to give her a relaxing time.

amicissima · 22/06/2007 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

chenin · 23/06/2007 10:15

amicissima... we are all in the same boat! I can't speak for sons as I only have girls but it started at 17 for my DD1.

I get so fed up with 'me me me' conversations! She likes nothing better than me being a captive audience whilst she talks about herself, her traumas (none), her spots (invisble), her fat tummy (non existent), her friends, what she should have her hair done like (boring boring boring), what clothes she wants to buy, her social life etc.

Now, I know some of you will think that is what having DDs is all about - I agree. But when you are bombarded with this continuously it does get bloody boring. If I dare to yawn or give the wrong answer, she goes mad saying 'you are not interested in me or my life!'. Errrr, yes I am, but Ihave been listening to you day in day out for hours on end.... I did ask her once if she was interested in me or anything I had done, and she looked at me as if I was an alien. Ahhh... love 'em.

OP posts:

WendyWeber · 23/06/2007 11:42

DS1 is exactly the same, helliebean - hair, spots, body, clothes, friends, what he dreamt last night, the brilliant goal he scored at football - yaaaaawn.

(I hope someone else will come on and say that their son is also completely self-centred or I'll start worrying that he is a gurl )

Original poster

chenin · 23/06/2007 13:11

WendyWeber... hahaha!! I think you have the best of both worlds by the sounds of it. A DS who talks to you (even if it does make you yawn, just like my DD!!)

OP posts:

Lilymaid · 23/06/2007 13:57

Elder DS now 20 so is not quite so "me me" now, but he is noted for his rants, delivered in a monotone. These are fairly easy to ignore (especially as he is away at university most of the year)

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