Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My DD constantly complaining about her friends

26 replies

PookieDo · 07/11/2018 12:34

And now I don’t trust the friends or feel comfortable around them

I think this is normal to some extent - she’s 16

But the things she has told me about them make me seriously dislike and mistrust these ‘friends’. Yet this weekend she wants my permission to go to a party and then sleep over.

The parent who is allowing this party who I’ve never met text to say she was allowing alcohol. They are all 15 and 16. DD and I had a long chat where I offered to buy her some 0% ‘faux’ type things or posh soft drinks, DD said she didn’t even want to drink real alcohol so I replied that I would not be providing actual booze and she wasn’t drinking. I would collect her at 11pm. I want to trust my DD

Now her group are pressuring her to stay at someone’s house, someone I don’t like from DD reports - bad behaviour at school, casual drug and alcohol use, drama and always falling out with people, very troubled family life. I have hosted this child at my house because I don’t want to push DD into keeping this friend a secret etc and perhaps we can be good role models for this child? I’m trying to find a middle ground

DD is now upset I said no to changing plans and not being collected from party at 11pm - first ever parent free party with provided alcohol she’s ever attended. I don’t know any of the adults or how responsible they are, how long they will be out of the house. I have invited unsuitable friend to sleep at ours but this isn’t good enough apparently which just makes me more suspicious they have some plans they don’t want me to know about

I’m new to this socialising thing - please advise me! Am I being unreasonable and over protective?

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 07/11/2018 12:40

For context DD has never drunk alcohol even at Christmas and says she doesn’t want to. But I think I am concerned about peer pressure

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 07/11/2018 12:51

I’d gently suggest you are being a bit over protective as she’s 16 and really needs to start making these sort of decisions for herself.
I believe young adults need to experience these situations to build up resilience. If she’s sensible she’ll turn down offers of anything illicit and know she can text you to be collected if anything gets out of hand.

Original poster
PookieDo · 07/11/2018 13:53

Thanks! I think I would feel differently if this was a different friend.

I feel like I would be an irresponsible parent to let her go and at the same time too over protective. I really want DD to go to the party and if she did choose to drink I want her to be able to tell me. I don’t think she is afraid to discuss things with me (as we do a lot) and she would text me if she needed me.

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 07/11/2018 14:18

I disagree. Parent free party for 15 and 16yos with alcohol and a sleep over, I'd be picking up too. This is a recipe for disaster. Potentially very dangerous.

16yos still need help with decision making. Their brains are still developing and predisposed to risk taking.

It's your job to keep your daughter safe.

rogueantimatter · 07/11/2018 14:20

I would offer to pick up at half past midnight probably.

rogueantimatter · 07/11/2018 14:22

You can help her develop resilience in a safer setting. Drinks at home on New Year's eve for example.

rogueantimatter · 07/11/2018 14:24

Is it a birthday party? If not there's no reason for mid teens to be having random parties with alcohol.

pickingdaisies · 07/11/2018 14:26

OP, I'd be suspicious too. I think I'd be insisting on picking up at midnight or no party.

Original poster
PookieDo · 07/11/2018 14:31

Yes a birthday. She did not do anything with these ‘friends’ on her own birthday - she invited them to the cinema and only 1 of them turned up Sad
I feel like they aren’t good friends at the best of times let alone with alcohol involved
I too would rather her learn to drink in a safe setting
I will go back to her and offer a late pick up. Right now she is saying ‘I will call you and text you all night! I promise!’ And I just have an image of her wasted and only finding out the next morning then ending up angry and her upset.

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 07/11/2018 16:13

You could offer her 'excuses' for not staying over if she feels the others will think she's being babyish or something. Invent something your dd is supposedly doing the following morning, A family gathering eg.

I would tell her that you absolutely trust her but the situation is potentially unsafe and it's your job as her mum to keep her safe. She could find herself having to ring an ambulance for comatose mates or spend the whole evening in the bathroom holding people's hair out of the way while they throw up etc etc

Original poster
PookieDo · 07/11/2018 17:41

I have offered to pick her up later but apparently the party ends at 11. Possibly the host parents are responsible. It’s the sleepover part I don’t want to allow. I offered to pick her up at midnight from sleepover friends house and she said yet again she is having doubts about going to any of it. This is what puts me off agreeing - she really doesn’t sound like she wants to go but feels pressured to go

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 07/11/2018 18:01

It's the sleepover I wouldn't like either.

It's tough being 16 isn't it? She could suddenly be ill on thr day if she didn't fancy going 😉

Original poster
PookieDo · 08/11/2018 21:36

sleepover is off but in typical teenage girl style she started in on me about wanting WKD. She is going to the house straight after school and I said I cannot believe you would expect me to agree that you would have it in your school bag! You could get excluded and you are coming up to GCSE’s!

It could be bragging but one girls dad has given her a bottle of vodka, a bottle of Malibu and something else - but all neat high % alcohol

I then asked if she even knew:
How much vodka you put into a drink
What was in WKD
How much would get you drunk?

She doesn’t know any of these things and won’t listen

I text her dad to ask his opinion hoping he would back me up on this, and he didn’t really

Now I feel peer pressure to buy her WKD!

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 09/11/2018 19:20

Lemonade in an empty bottle of wkd! She can save face. The bottle will still smell of alcohol.

I don't know about English law but in scotland it's illegal to buy drink if the intent is to give it to unsupervised under 18s.

Original poster
PookieDo · 09/11/2018 19:50

I didn’t get her anything. Her dad said buy her 2 but I didn’t

She is being very sweet and communicative from friends house with regular texting (that she arrived etc) so I honestly just am looking forward to picking her up, no drama and hearing about her fun party (and please don’t be drunk. She would be really upset with herself I think)

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 10/11/2018 07:30

I think DD was a little tipsy when I picked her up. Also she stank of booze as they had spilled so much on themselves dancing. The parent was home by 9.30 but thought it was ‘hilarious’ that the kids were drunk and funny Hmm and sent me a text hoping they aren’t too hungover. I am not really finding this very entertaining or responsible TBH

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 10/11/2018 08:32

I'm glad it worked out well. I know how worrying it is.

Very irresponsible parent. My two are 22 and 19 and when they were underage the parents of their closest friends would ask or discuss with me what we were all happy to allow. DD's friend's mum once phoned to ask if it was okay for my 16YO DD to have one bottle of beer with them at dinnertime.

When DD wanted to give her friend a bottle of prosecco for her 16th birthday I phoned her mum and asked if that would be okay. Mum said no so I didn't get a bottle of prosecco.

There's no law of growing up that states that getting drunk and hungover is an essential part of being a teenager.

The younger they start drinking the more likely they are to develope a drink problem.

If your DD wants to hang out with this friend I would be encouraging them to come to your place and keep a close eye on them.

silkpyjamasallday · 10/11/2018 08:39

I think allowing a 16 year old to make their own mistakes is really important, my parents always picked me up from parties early so I stopped bothering to go and ended up in far more dangerous situations with older boys with cars because I wasn't allowed to socialise with my friends. An isolated 16 year old with nothing to do but wander around the area is a dangerous position to be in. I don't think a bit of booze at 16 is so terrible, I went clubbing from 15 and was bored of drinking by 18, I'm pretty much tee total now at 23.

lljkk · 10/11/2018 09:01

I have fairly frank conversations with DD "You keep telling me about all these bad decisions your friends make. How do I know that hanging out with them won't make you start making the same bad decisions? I don't want you to XYZ. Those things could ruin your future, so please think carefully before you go down those paths. I expect you to think for yourself and not just follow the crowd in your decisions."

Your DD tells you what is going on, OP. Try to see how we're privileged to have teens who tell us real things about their life & the company they keep. Most parents have teens doing plenty of somewhat dodgy stuff, but their teens don't tell them diddly so the parents live in an ignorant bubble.... So then bad things can just blow up out of nowhere, not least because their teens actually ended up with less adult guidance how to navigate these tricky situations.

rogueantimatter · 10/11/2018 10:19

I agree. It's important they feel they can tell you things without fear of judgment or the parents being openly shocked and horrified.

I also agree that if you're very strict they feel they have to resort to doing things in secret. There's a balance however.

Unsupervised alcohol and sleepovers; dangerous and irresponsible. And in Op's DD's case there's a world of difference between going to this friend and having nothing to do at all.

The friend's parent sounds irresponsible to me. I wouldn't trust her judgment with my vulnerable teen.

Original poster
PookieDo · 10/11/2018 12:36

I think that concept is fictional and mythical and not what I am prepared to base my parenting decisions on

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 10/11/2018 12:40

I.e saying no to things leads to them doing it anyway

She’s an adult in 2 years. She can do what she wishes then but is my responsiblity to keep safe. I didn’t have a go at her but neither did I endorse it. Unsuitable troubled friend got very drunk on spirits and cried and had to go home. DD felt responsible for her but I am not sure it works in reciprocation I said to DD if she’s that drunk would she look out for you at all? I want her to have better friends!

OP posts:
YeOldeTrout · 10/11/2018 21:00

They say that kids who get into trouble have low aspirations & low self-esteem. So they don't think they deserve to make good choices & they don't try to find alternatives.

Do you feel like your DD is choosing not to have friends who want to aim high, or at least higher than getting stupidly drunk?

corythatwas · 12/11/2018 17:14

OP, I think you need to give your dd credit for what she actually did manage to do: she was in an environment with lots of booze, she did not get more than mildly tipsy and she felt responsible for her friends. This is all good stuff: you have brought her up well. Let her feel that you are pleased, let her know that behaving in a mature manner means you will trust her more and more.

Blueemeraldagain · 12/11/2018 17:23

I agree with corythatwas. All things considered (including the amount of pressure there was and the fact that she clearly wants to be in with this crowd) your DD did a pretty good job. I know (secondary teacher) many who don’t have that strength of character and sense of moral duty.

I totally understand you wanting her to have different friends. Is there any chance of changing school/college/etc after GCSEs?

Swipe left for the next trending thread