Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I need to put this somewhere

51 replies

ssd · 24/10/2018 20:19

and I've chosen here

I know there will be many many posters who disagree with me and tell me I'm wrong, but I need to put this down somewhere, even if no one understands

I couldn't even write a header for it as anything I write sounds like I'd change my boys, which I wouldn't, ever.

I have 2 boys who I couldn't love more or be more proud of, I've supported them all their lives and always will. I've stood at more pitches than I can tell, spent more on tickets, than I can begin to say, I'm just setting the picture incase someone comes on and says oh get a hobby with your boys/spend time with your boys etc etc

basically, I'm envious of friends with girls....and the close relationships they seem to have....and I'd like it for myself

I don't have any female relations, not mum etc etc and no girls in my family

I have friends, don't get me wrong, but now our kids are in their late teens/early twenties, I hear so much of what my friends with daughters do together and I just yearn for that, just a bit of that

as I said, and I cant empathise it enough, I love my boys and wouldn't change either one for every girl in the world, but I listen to what my friends are doing with their daughters, afternoon teas together, going for spa days, cocktails, make up shopping, ......and I'd just love a daughter to do this with, mind you I'd love a close sister to do this with as well, or a mum.

I suppose it's similar to a dad with only daughters who'd love a son as football mad as them, when their wife/daughters don't like football

I know MN will be full of mums who go to spa days with their teenage son etc etc but I don't and I'd just love a girl who wanted to go with me

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 24/10/2018 20:21

I almost don't want to come back to this thread as I know I'll get posters say, well ask your son to go shopping/afternoon teas/spa days etc and I take them shopping (to game and JD), they don't want to go through debenhams looking at lipsticks/handbags, they would roll their eyes at any other suggestions

I just want to be heard. That's all.

OP posts:
LizzieBennettDarcy · 24/10/2018 20:24

I've got 3 DDs OP and we're really close. I can't imagine what on earth I'd do without them.

Our only son was stillborn, and I've often felt very cheated of not having a son. My grandson is a very poignant reminder of all the things my son and I never got to do together and I do sometimes get quite a lump in my throat thinking of him. Boys and girls are very very different.

I think when you have same sex children, there's always a part of you that wonders what it would have been like the other way. Quite normal I'd say, and nothing to be ashamed of. It's not saying you regret anything, you're just curious of how different it could have been Flowers.

Taffeta · 24/10/2018 20:25

You’re not wrong

You feel how you feel and no one can deny you that

I don’t have a close relationship with my sister and am a bit envious of those that do

Flowers
Blessthekids · 24/10/2018 20:25

what my friends are doing with their daughters, afternoon teas together, going for spa days, cocktails, make up shopping

I have two daughters who hate this stuff and are very unlikely to ever willing/happily go on such outings! Luckily we share a love of musicals and superheroes but am still hopeful that one day they will take me to the Ritz for afternoon tea, have been dropping hints for years now.....

Original poster
ssd · 24/10/2018 20:25

do you know what I miss/what I yearn for, someone to think like a girl/woman, someone to notice what lipstick I wear, or what brand, someone to notice my eyebrows need done, someone to help me choose a dress for a party, someone to encourage me to dress up nice, someone to notice what women notice, basically.

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 24/10/2018 20:26

I get what you are saying and you have my sympathy. I see that you love your dsons and you want the female bonding you can get with a girl. I have a dd(16) and a ds(12) and I'm close with both. Sometimes we just make rugby playing ds join in and quite often he wants to.

I wasn't close to my mum in that way but I do have sisters. Not sure if I can suggest anything. We turn ds into an honorary girl sometimes. There's no guarantee that you would have that kind of relationship and my dd was the hardest teenager ....

But I do get it.

3boysandabump · 24/10/2018 20:26

I get where you're coming from a bit. I wasn't close to my mother growing up and certainly didn't do any of the things you have mentioned in your post, she didn't come wedding dress shopping with me or anything . So I would have liked a daughter to do those things with so that I at least got to experience the typical mother/daughter thing at least from the mothers perspective.
But I was blessed with 4 boys so it won't happen. There's nothing to say that even if you had a daughter she would want to do those things with you. I think instead of dwelling on the things you can't do with the daughter you don't have you need to concentrate on the things you can do with the sons you do have. Remind yourself that some people would give anything to be in your position

DramaAlpaca · 24/10/2018 20:30

I have three sons in their early 20s. I've never particularly wanted a daughter & I have a great relationship with my boys. But I hear you OP. I get it.

DryIce · 24/10/2018 20:30

I think it's also easy to romanticise a relationship with a hypothetical daughter. I do see what you're saying, and the kind of relationship you'd like - but there's no guarantee you would have that.

someone to think like a girl/woman, someone to notice what lipstick I wear, or what brand, someone to notice my eyebrows need done, someone to help me choose a dress for a party, someone to encourage me to dress up nice, someone to notice what women notice, basically

For example - I am close to my mum - but I've never done any of that with her!

NoLeslie · 24/10/2018 20:31

TBH I have one of each and neither would do spas/nails etc, but that's beside the point.

You are missing a strong female relationship and I get that. I can massively recommend a book called Motherless Daughters, sorry can't remember the author. My mum died when I was small and I think I didn't realise what I missed until I had a daughter. I can totally imagine it the other way round, having a mum and then missing out on having a daughter.

Don't beat yourself up for how you feel.

underoverunder · 24/10/2018 20:31

I'm sorry ssd Flowers for how you feel. I'm sure it's perfectly normal to yearn for those things. It's no consolation but maybe one day you'll be an awesome mil. My mother was closer to her mil than her mother.

Original poster
ssd · 24/10/2018 20:31

I know, and I'm grateful for my boys, they are honestly wonderful young men and they will make great husbands. I adore them and I want them to be happy and have a fulfilling relationship and life. I'll never be the clingy mum hanging onto their boy for dear life, I fully expect any DIL to want her mum at the birth etc etc (jumping the gun I know), what I mean is I'm realistic.

I just dont want to live my life feeling this emptiness. But I dont like to even admit it, never mind know how to fill the hole I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 24/10/2018 20:34

you know, now I think of it, I've never done spa days etc etc with my mum either, but I did go shopping with her now and then. But I looked after her in her final years and noticed everything for her and |I guess I worry no one will ever notice stuff for me.

OP posts:
Thatstheendofmytether · 24/10/2018 20:35

OP I have 2 young boys and this is what I worry about when they are older. I also worry when they have kids I don't get a chance to be as close to them as the dm parents. Probably a silly thing to worry about but I do.

exexpat · 24/10/2018 20:36

I have never been for afternoon teas, spa days, cocktails, make-up shopping etc with my mother or my daughter. That sounds like the kind of romanticised mother-daughter relationship you see in films rather than real life.

I never did that sort of thing with my sister either - none of us are/were into that kind of stereotypically feminine thing, except that my teenage daughter used to drag me round make-up shops before she was old enough to go by herself or with friends (I hated it).

It sounds like you either lost your mother early or are non-contact with her, which is sad, but I think it means you are seeing the mother-daughter relationship in a very rose-tinted, idealised way and you are mourning something that would quite possibly never have happened the way you are imagining it anyway (you could have ended up with a daughter like me).

But sympathies for the way you are feeling. Maybe one day one of your sons will bring home a daughter-in-law you get on with and who needs a substitute mum?

Original poster
ssd · 24/10/2018 20:38

NoLeslie, after mum died I was sent that book by a very kind mnetter, I didnt feel like a motherless daughter as I had a mum and even though she'd died and I was a motherless mother, the book didnt completely resonate with me. But the way you describe it, My mum died when I was small and I think I didn't realise what I missed until I had a daughter. I can totally imagine it the other way round, having a mum and then missing out on having a daughter

thats exactly how I feel

OP posts:
DryIce · 24/10/2018 20:40

I worry no one will ever notice stuff for me

Oh OP, you sound so forlorn. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. This sounds like the heart of it - and much more important than spa days! I would say for this, don't give up on your boys - my husband is close to his mother, he speaks to her multiple times a week and wrangles in the rest of the family when she isn't doing well and needs help.

NoLeslie · 24/10/2018 20:41

Oh ssd, so you have been hit by circle of life and you can't see who is following you and has your back.

My auntie has grown boys and nursed her mum at the end. I have promised her faithfully I will do for her, emotionally, what she did for her mum. It's not a sexism thing it's a kind of I Am Woman that's hard to explain isn't it.

Someone will come along. A daughter in law or a grand daughter or a dear friend. I'm sure of it.

Original poster
ssd · 24/10/2018 20:41

Ds1 has a long term girlfriend, a lovely girl, and I'm aware I cant smother her and she has a mum already, I often see things in the shops and wonder if she'd like them then I need to remind myself I;m not her mum!

OP posts:
Si1ver · 24/10/2018 20:43

I do know that my mil is always super grateful for nails/hair/outfit chat or outtings after raising two boys.

It's not a guarantee obviously, but having only sons doesn't mean you won't have these things in your life forever.

Blessthekids · 24/10/2018 20:43
Flowers

I was probably a little flippant with my earlier response. I do understand a bit as I always thought that I would have a son, having grown up with brothers and no sister but it was not to be.

littlebillie · 24/10/2018 20:44

I have one of each and the relationship is definitely different with each dc. Although my DD is not into make up and quite conservative around clothing we enjoy the odd trip to the shops and a coffee.

My DS is very sensible and I facilitate a lot of treats and sleepovers the closeness is different.

I'm sure we all feel that some families have very different experiences but I think you are completely normal in your thinking.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 24/10/2018 20:47

Ssd Flowers

I totally understand why you could feel this way. My mum only had me, and would have loved a boy. To make it worse, my mum was into shopping and stuff and I really hate all that stuff, so no use that way either!

Maybe when your lovely boys get lovely girlfriends/ wives you will be able to do these things with them! Especially if those girls had a mum (like me!) who doesn't want to do those things. My dd would love me to be into hair and make up, but I'm rubbish! I joke that maybe her future MIL will fill that part of the role

RollerJed · 24/10/2018 20:48

I have dd's and I'm hoping for the sort of relationship you describe as they get older.

By my df was the only ds with 3 dd and it was him that visited my nana every day for over 10 years (yes!) when my Pop died and before that visited at least 3 times a week.

GreenTulips · 24/10/2018 20:49

I have never been for afternoon teas, spa days, cocktails, make-up shopping etc with my mother or my daughter

2 daughters mother 3 sisters and grandmother

Not done any of those things either.