Please someone talk some sense to me - struggling to "let go" of DS 15

[mansla]

Hi I have had a humungous wobble over the last month and I need a slap!
DS is 15 (16 in Jan). Up until now he has been a delight (for the most part). A caring, kind, compassionate kid who loves to stay at home and get dirty (we live on a farm). Since he broke up from school in July he has been out a lot and he stays at his girlfriends and she stays here too. We have had lots of sensible conversations about sex and protection etc etc. They are in love. He also sees his friends quite a lot. DH works away all week, only home on weekends and misses DS terribly. We went on holiday in August which we could not afford but felt it important to have quality family time together without us working (which we do ALL the time - got our own business). First week of holiday great, second week bloody nightmare - DS made friends on campsite with group of kids and basically disowned us! Spent every day and night with is new best friends, coming in at 2am been drinking vodka (never left campsite) and then didnt want to get up till lunchtime next day. The year before DS and DH would go early morning fishing every day on holiday and spend time together and DH is heartbroken they didnt do this apart from 1 time this year. Sorry im waffling but I cant stop! Anyway I literally went to pieces on holiday was so sad that no matter what we said he just didnt care that he was ruining what is probably our last "family" holiday together. 2 days after getting back he started his new college which we have been so excited about - he is boarding as its quite a drive. He has been so enthusiastic and says he is going to throw himself into it bla bla. Its been 3 weeks now and he has basically cut us off, or so it feels. Never responds to my texts, I pick him up Friday pm and he wants me to go straight to his girlfriends and doesnt come home until Sunday tea time. He goes to hers on a Wednesday and stays overnight too. DH and I feel so rejected and cannot handle the fact that girlfriends parents see our son 3 days/nights a week and we are seeing him for 1 night and a couple of hours. I know we should not feel rejected but we cannot handle it and it is making me so so unreasonable and angry and I feel so bitter towards him. His college is expensive which we can ill afford but we wanted to give him this opportunity as he is a really bright kid but we feel he is not making the most of it and is being drawn back to be with his girlfriend. She is not very driven and doesnt have many aspirations and I am terrified she will get pregnant on purpose to clip his wings. I just dont know how to handle this as I know he will turn away if we keep making dramas - he is really strong inside. Sorry!

He is 15 years old. Maybe he just wants a normal 15 year old life. Not a life where his parents spend 24/7 working and then suddenly expect him to be at their beck and call for two whole weeks - how is that supposed to work? You and your DH sound very driven indeed and your son may be getting fed up with trying to keep you happy and keep up with all your ambitions for him. DS probably finds his girlfriend's family restful after your demands and expectations.

You had a perfectly nice holiday and he isn't the one who ruined it. You spent an enjoyable week as a family, then while he was off being a teenager with other boys why wouldn't you and DH enjoy quality time alone together not working - don't you like each other? I don't think much of him going off drinking vodka, but maybe the youngsters were bored with not much else to do together on the campsite. The vodka shouldn't about you feeling rejected it should be more about whether it's safe appropriate behaviour at his age. I would be worried about it, though others might not. And why should it be your last family holiday? You are still family, if you are pleasant to be with then why wouldn't he want to go on holiday with you again, with or without his girlfriend in tow? Though you guilt tripping him and going to pieces isn't going to persuade him he wants to spend holidays with you, it doesn't sound like fun.

I have no idea what you mean by "making the most of this opportunity" of college. He is 15 and is presumably getting on with his college work. You sent him away to college so surely you trust him to get on with his work and you trust the college to keep an eye on him. Have a rethink about doing things you can "ill afford". You seem to expect your son to want to spend time with you and to be as driven as you are because you have spent money you don't have. That's not the way it works. Either he is motivated and trustworthy or he isn't, and if he isn't then you have to adjust your expectations.

You also sound extremely jealous of his girlfriend. She is no more likely to purposely trap him with a baby than he is to trap her with a baby. It takes two and she is the one who will be pregnant and mostly caring for the baby. Why would she want to give herself all that hassle at 15 when most girls want to go out and enjoy themselves? Yes they could have an accident but it's her own wings she would be clipping.

Honestly, are you very bored and lonely on your own at home? You just sound over dependent on your son for company.

Jeez, didnt expect that! I asked for a slap, aka to put things into perspective, not total annihilation. Being the obviously superior being that you are you must have realised it is difficult to write the whole picture of your family life into a couple of paragraphs and that you find out a bit more before you let rip but hey, perhaps that's just how you roll. Anyway, hopefully I will get some more measured responses. If not, c'est la vie, you've made me feel good about myself that I am not an aggressive person who judges before I know the whole picture so thank you for that.

I would not be permitting sleepovers with a gf at 15. The age of consent is 16 and I wouldn’t encourage him to break the law under my roof. He wouldn’t be going out drinking vodka either, especially not with virtual strangers who can’t be relied on to take care of him if he overdoes it. If you put a stop to this risky behaviour you’ll have more time with your son.

Is he an only child ? You do sound a bit overwhelming with too many expectations and it might be pushing him away.

@mawsla name change fail?

He's behaving in a very grown up manner for a 15 year old. His behaviour sounds more like that of an 18 year old. Perhaps you need to clamp down on his freedom a bit. The sleepovers at girlfriend's house would be a complete no no from me, as would the partying. It is hard to 'let go', I completely sympathise, but some of the 'letting go' you've described is too much too soon.

How old is his girlfriend? I'd be wary about their ages and the 3 days a week sleepovers. You ought to have laid some ground rules about that.

However, It is men who put their sperm into women which gets them pregnant so a chat about that might be in order.

Camping for an only child at 15 - what did you expect him to do? The vodka was out of order - how did you handle that?

I agree with you 💯.

So he's started a new school in Year 11 ? Are you in the U.K. Op ?

This is one of hardest things about being a parent of teenagers and young adults. We feel ourselves gradually becoming redundant as they make their way in life. Their friends seem to take our place in their affections. I do think this is how it is meant to be. I also miss being at the centre of my older childrens' lives. I find the best way to cope is having very low expectations of attention from them. When some is forthcoming, I just relish it. I don't believe it is my their role to meet my needs.

You need a distraction- do you have something else you can ploughing energy in like a dog or something?

You need to write down some positive statements to counteract your negative thoughts.

"Ds hasn't returned my texts " needs to become "Ds is having such a great time that he hasn't got time to text me."
"Ds spends all of his time with his gf" needs to become "Ds is in a happy relationship." Lots of adults won't have had the experience of a first love until much older.

Focus more energy on your spouse. Remember what it was like before kids? You can do adult stuff like date, stay in bed all day....

Can one of those sleepovers with his gf be at your house? You won't have quality time with them but it's better than nothing.

If your son's like mine then letting them go will make them closer to you long-term. My ds thrives on independence

We live in France, age of consent is 15

No, france. I'm feeling I am in completely the wrong forum

I still wouldn’t be allowing a child of any age to have sleepovers under my roof, regardless of the age of consent. And the drinking is worrying and definitely illegal in France and U.K.

Either you let go of him, or he pushes you off. Either way, your time of having your DS close to you emotionally and physically, where you are his focus and his base, is coming to its natural end.

Be proud you have a son growing in independence. Our children make us grow up - this is something you have to accept and be an adult about.

No, you're not! I absolutely agree with you. He's basically living with his girlfriend and I would really hate that.

Do you have to agree to him coming home at weekends? Surely the whole point of boarding is that he focuses on his work, not goes to his girlfriend's overnight for three nights a week! That wouldn't happen if he was living at home, would it?

First of all I wouldn't agree to the mid-week night at his girlfriend's. That's just ridiculous.

Secondly I'd be in touch with the school to ask for pastoral support. He's going off the rails, really, in that he's abandoning his parents and the change has been really rapid. I'd also speak to the girl's mum and ask her to back you up.

Why wouldn't he bring her to your house? Is it that he can sleep with her at her parents' home?

I hadn't realised the age of consent was 15 over there. It still doesn't make it a good choice, does it?

It's horrible when any person changes so rapidly. It's such a shock when it's a child that changes. No wonder you're in a state.

The first response you got was harsh, IMO.

I can imagine how you feel. But it sounds like you have raised a lovely boy - bright, hard-working, loyal and loving with a healthy social life and ambition for the future. This is what we should aiming for as parents - giving them confidence and independence. It should be what you want for him, as hard as it is for you.

THANK YOU DanglyBangly and HollowTalk! Finally, some constructive comments. Thank you. I do feel its been so swift. It is totally "him". He has hit those milestones in his life like that - he is a quietly determined boy who tackles challenges face on and swiftly. This, I believe, is one of those but it is me that is not coping, not him and all I was looking for, I guess, was someone to tell me that he was being a typical teenager and that "he will come back around" or whatever other well used phrases are thrown at you but, for some reason, my post has not generated that. Whereas posts about kids taking drugs or whatever do - hey ho.

I do feel the mid-week visits are totally out of order and I spoke to DH last night and we both agreed that we need to go and speak to the girlfriends parents and say that we dont want to get in the way of their relationship but we feel he needs to focus Mon-Fri on education. We live in a rural area where the majority of kids are happy to leave school at 15 and get a job in the local supermarket. Our son is bright and I don't feel we are unreasonable or "overwhelming" to be encouraging him to expand his opportunities by going to a college further away, in a larger town, with the aim of becoming an engineer, which is what he has always wanted to do. He needs to be encouraged and we are, as his parents, the ones to do that. If, however, he said somewhere down the line that it wasn't for him then we would not hesitate to support him in whatever direction he wants to go but I will never, ever, stop trying to get him the best opportunity in life that I can, whether I can afford it or not.

I'm sorry if I was harsh. You said a couple of things that seriously put my back up. Most especially blaming the girlfriend for the risk of pregnancy that your own son was taking, whether he is really mature enough to take that risk or not.

I hope you find other postings more helpful.

Op, I m sorry but kleinzeit has a Point, sending children to boarding school inevitably means they become more independent.

Your son may feel you pushed him out, his father works away, he’s at boarding school but he’s expected to spend even second with you on annual holidays.

My parents were similar, they paid me no attention but expected me to jump to their call.

No, he is not behaving in an acceptable way for a 15 year old child. Sleeping with his girlfriend would be a no no for me.
I think communication with school is vital and hopefully it was a summer holiday blip. I’d keep a close watch and step in quickly if it look like recurring.

Op he may be 15 (I have a 15 yo) but he is still your child. He is not an adult, he is not able to make adult decisions. He should not be drinking, he certainly shouldn't be out til 2am on your family holiday. And he shouldn't be staying over at the girlfriend's. Basically what seems to be missing here is boundaries . You are his parents. Your rules. And I agree you should absolutely be encouraging him to focus on his education at this stage, not a girl who in all likelihood will not turn out to be the love of his life and certainly isn't worth sacrificing his future prospects for.
Have a serious conversation with him, put some boundaries in place, explain why, stick to them.

Mmmhhh I am not sure OP. On one side I can imagine myself being devastated when my son grows up and starts to just want to be with friends.
On the other, I feel this “She is not very driven and doesnt have many aspirations and I am terrified she will get pregnant on purpose to clip his wings“ is a bit off.

He sounds like the kind of boy that you have raised to family values, work,farm, studies. So he drank on holidays. I did too, I am a good person and I just wanted a release from over protective parents.
So I assume he is smart enough to make his own decisions. You say you have spoken about safe sex. So this whole -she will get pregnant on purpose- is a bit off. How do you feel about her?
Not sure OP

He has a lot of freedom for 15, I’d be re writing the ground rules.

My dd is 15 next month and I can't imagine being in this situation.

I think it's fine that he found some other kids to spend time with on the second week of a two week holiday. But the practically living with his girlfriend at 15 is madness.