Please someone talk some sense to me - struggling to "let go" of DS 15

[mansla]

Hi I have had a humungous wobble over the last month and I need a slap!
DS is 15 (16 in Jan). Up until now he has been a delight (for the most part). A caring, kind, compassionate kid who loves to stay at home and get dirty (we live on a farm). Since he broke up from school in July he has been out a lot and he stays at his girlfriends and she stays here too. We have had lots of sensible conversations about sex and protection etc etc. They are in love. He also sees his friends quite a lot. DH works away all week, only home on weekends and misses DS terribly. We went on holiday in August which we could not afford but felt it important to have quality family time together without us working (which we do ALL the time - got our own business). First week of holiday great, second week bloody nightmare - DS made friends on campsite with group of kids and basically disowned us! Spent every day and night with is new best friends, coming in at 2am been drinking vodka (never left campsite) and then didnt want to get up till lunchtime next day. The year before DS and DH would go early morning fishing every day on holiday and spend time together and DH is heartbroken they didnt do this apart from 1 time this year. Sorry im waffling but I cant stop! Anyway I literally went to pieces on holiday was so sad that no matter what we said he just didnt care that he was ruining what is probably our last "family" holiday together. 2 days after getting back he started his new college which we have been so excited about - he is boarding as its quite a drive. He has been so enthusiastic and says he is going to throw himself into it bla bla. Its been 3 weeks now and he has basically cut us off, or so it feels. Never responds to my texts, I pick him up Friday pm and he wants me to go straight to his girlfriends and doesnt come home until Sunday tea time. He goes to hers on a Wednesday and stays overnight too. DH and I feel so rejected and cannot handle the fact that girlfriends parents see our son 3 days/nights a week and we are seeing him for 1 night and a couple of hours. I know we should not feel rejected but we cannot handle it and it is making me so so unreasonable and angry and I feel so bitter towards him. His college is expensive which we can ill afford but we wanted to give him this opportunity as he is a really bright kid but we feel he is not making the most of it and is being drawn back to be with his girlfriend. She is not very driven and doesnt have many aspirations and I am terrified she will get pregnant on purpose to clip his wings. I just dont know how to handle this as I know he will turn away if we keep making dramas - he is really strong inside. Sorry!

Hi - I am in France too - where are you? Things are so different here to the uk. Feel free to pm me

Op I feel for you , he sounds a nice boy who maybe needs to be reined in a bit re. the girlfriend and sleeping together , teen boys will be ruled by their penis if you let them. He needs you to sort out some boundaries with the gf parents and the school.
I expect the gf parents will be grateful .

I think Kleinzeit's first post is pretty much bang on the money actually even if you don't want to hear it OP. Reread and have a think about how you and your DH would seem to a 15 year old.

There are some differences between France and the UK. Boarding isn't sending kids away. Most Lycées in rural areas have boarding because the distances are so great.

I think there is a middle ground to be had. You definitely need to set some limits, maybe only 1 night per week at the girlfriends, and a 15yr old out drinking vodka till 2 should be punished. But you also need to back off. He is your son not your friend. He is not spending time with his gfs parents he is spending it with her.

This sort of relationship is not unusual in these parts. I know of one lad who is almost the same as your ds. Lives on a farm, boarding from 15, girlfriend from 14. They are still together at 19 and are very happy. One advantage is that they don't move away from the area so whilst he is distant now he will at least be less likely to move away later.

Thanks to those of you who have given constructive advice. The temptation to respond to the destructive comments is strong but I will try to stop myself. I know that we are good, loving parents who work very hard to provide a secure future for our only child and also to overcome some financial challenges that life has thrown us. I do not understand how anyone can criticise you for working hard and equate working hard to not paying your child any attention.

I also do not understand why anyone would criticise a parent for wanting to give their child the best education within their reach, even if it does stretch you financially. Choosing not to send him to the local college where drug taking is high and results are low but to a better one further away which means he has to board Monday-Friday does not make me a pushy parent or “overwhelming with too many expectations”. If anything, we are a bit too laid back and have always listened to his opinions and let him make his choices. He loves his college, he chose it, he is having a ball. In France, as the French ladies have said, boarding is not the same as it is in the UK. It is the norm and is not expensive but there is a cost to it nonetheless and some places are more expensive than others. I do, however, expect my son to respect that we are paying for him to go to a great college which he loves and to do his best while he is there. We are not rich and he knows it. I got a text from him during his first week saying thanks mum and dad for giving me this wonderful opportunity, I really appreciate it.

We have a loving, close relationship with our son. He is mature for his age, he always has been an early developer in every milestone along the way. I guess I am just struggling with accepting he is moving away from us emotionally and no longer needs us like he used to but it seems to have happened so quickly and I was not prepared and I will hold my hand up that I have not handled it well and was just looking for some reassurance from mums who have been through this phase. He is pushing his boundaries with great enthusiasm and I find it very hard to deal with the fact that he has changed very quickly from a kid who always respected rules to a kid to seems to relish in breaking them and this is something I need to talk to him about. I am looking forward to seeing him this afternoon and we will speak to him over the weekend about re-setting certain boundaries and will take it from there.

No, Kleinzeit's post is not bang on. If there actually is any constructive criticism lurking in there, it is heavily veiled in insults and incorrect assumptions about our family life. I do not need to re-read it – I do not take advice from keyboard warriors.

Also, had to say that this comparison is so far off the mark it could almost be funny, except it isn’t: “My parents were similar, they paid me no attention but expected me to jump to their call”.

Oh and camping being boring for an only child?? – 2 pools, waterslides, bars, restaurants, kids discos, nightly entertainment, gym, sports/football all onsite, 2 mins from gorgeous town and beach – hmm, can’t quite work that one out. He said it was the best holiday he’s ever had.

You’re being very dramatic and nasty to posters who have taken time to reply to you OP, no need for it.

I think that your response to the first poster massively changed my opinion of your situation. She challenged you and you came down in her like a ton of bricks, refused to acknowledge her next gentler post and then said you didn’t respond to ‘keyboard warriors’.

So I ask, very tentatively; did you tell your son he ruined the family holiday in just such a intransigent fashion?
If there is even a little bit of you that thinks yes, I can see why he is pulling away, and will pull away more.

But in practical terms, what did you think you can do? Telling him to want to spend time with you will not work, so perhaps making his girlfriend welcome would help? Being open to him doing what he wants more on holiday? But also setting better boundaries?

I am just trying to help. Please don’t take this is in the wrong spirit.

OP it seems that you already know that you think you are right in thinking and feeling the way you do and only teplying to posters agreeing with you.

Your son sounds very nice and it is reasonable for you to say he needs to spend more nights with you abd fewer at his girlfriend.

But the stuff about not texting back, or making friends on hols... that is normal teenage stuff. I love my family but at that age all I wanted to do was being with friends.

My parents held a very tight rope on us, and we all moved abroad and as soon as we went to uni we would only talk to them once a month.

So, whether you like it or not, I felt I could not breathe, so you might want to try being a bit more laid back. College is important, I am grateful my parents sent me to the bests schools. But I was so Unprepared for life.

Well since you know it all and have it all sorted and don't want to read any of our advice, on you go OP. Good luck

I find it very hard to deal with the fact that he has changed very quickly from a kid who always respected rules to a kid to seems to relish in breaking them and this is something I need to talk to him about.

As you recognise, preferring to spend holiday time with kids his own age is something that you and his father will need to accept and tolerate. But spending time getting drunk on vodka isn't acceptable - it's not abnormal (at least it's not abnormal in the UK, though many years ago when I lived in France it would have been unusual for young people there to drink heavily, then again things may have changed in 30 years!) - but it is not acceptable either.

Usually children who relish breaking rules have one of two things going on. Either they feel they have been pushed and over-controlled and suddenly find they can rebel; or else they are trying too hard to fit in with a new social circle. You would be best placed to figure out which.

He is mature for his age, he always has been an early developer in every milestone along the way.

Perhaps it is confusing because in the past he has always been mature for his age, but now some of his "adult" behaviour is not really "adult" at all, it is immature and needs to be reined in. Though at the same time he still needs other opportunities to grow up and become independent.

Oh and camping being boring for an only child?? – 2 pools, waterslides, bars, restaurants, kids discos, nightly entertainment, gym, sports/football all onsite, 2 mins from gorgeous town and beach – hmm, can’t quite work that one out. He said it was the best holiday he’s ever had.

Ah, camping usually means something different in the UK, especially the kind of campsite where fishing was the main treat on offer On a fancy campsite with lots of activities I would expect most 15 year olds to want to disappear with other kids their own age.

15 year olds are tricky though, they often feel they're too old for organised activities and kids discos. Maybe your DS was drinking mostly to fit in with the other boys on holiday?

a normal 15 year old life.

I have a 15 year old son. His "normal life" does not involve sex with girls, staying over at their house, staying out until 2am and drinking vodka.

That is NOT normal.

I think there is a difference between pushing the boundaries of what has previously been acceptable and actively seeking to break rule and behaving in an immoral and/or unsafe way. As parents, we have a duty to enforce those rules, but also to respect our children's evolving needs as they grow, and to give them age-appropriate guidelines to ensure that they are happy and get the chance to develop properly. Easier said than done, I know

Some of your son's behaviour falls into the breaking the rules category, eg. the vodka. Other stuff is more the 'pushing boundaries' category. You do have the authority to say no, but there is room for middle ground so he can have his independence. Staying at his girlfriend's house during the week shouldn't happen - say maybe he could visit her family for dinner, but Mon-Fri he should be sleeping in his room at college. Have a compromise of 2 weekends per month at his GF's. Could she sometimes come to you?

Emotionally I know it's difficult, I went through the same with my own DD. He is striving for his own independence and you do have to allow it to him somewhat. He sounds like a lovely, hard-working lad who appreciates his parents greatly. He They do come back to you, and it may turn out that he wasn't as far away as you thought - it did for me