Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Literally so livid!!!

34 replies

Tobbay · 05/09/2018 23:15

My Son who is 15yr has been smoking weed over the summer.
I've stopped all money to him so he can't buy it buy he started getting it on credit so I felt like I then had to pay in case he got into a horrible situation with a drug dealer.

This morning he refused to go back to school and spent the day at home after being aggressive.
He then promised me he'd bever do it again.
Just as we are you g to bed he said he got more weed on credit today and wants £10 from me to pay it off... so not only did he refuse school, he then went and sourced weed and expect a me to pay it!!!!

I've given him hundreds which I now known as gone on drugs..

I am furious! But now what? Do I pay it in case the drug dealer comes after him or do I literally let him deal with the consequences???

OP posts:
Squeegle · 08/09/2018 07:57

I’m not sure what you should do. My DS has been doing similar although not with credit as far as I am aware. I am not sure what to do with him either he didn’t go to school yesterday. I was going to have a look st the frank website today to see if they have tips. My DS is difficult to deal with and aggressive so I do sympathise. How is your DS today?

abbsisspartacus · 08/09/2018 07:59

Let him deal with the consequences

LoniceraJaponica · 08/09/2018 08:02

How is he getting credit? Can you make it very clear to him that you will not bail him out?

GreenTulips · 08/09/2018 08:03

Do school have a drug program?

GreenTulips · 08/09/2018 08:23

What dis you tell school

Longtalljosie · 08/09/2018 08:27

No, don’t bail him out. He will probably get the tenner from a friend. But if he knows all he has to do to get you to keep paying for his weed is to get it on credit, that’s what he will do.

I’d also arrange a meeting with school where you tell them he is refusing to go and being aggressive. Don’t cover for his behaviour.

Giantsquid · 08/09/2018 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

intuition · 08/09/2018 08:30

Tow great books for you
'Mum can you lend me £20' and 'the cannabis diaries'

Original poster
Tobbay · 08/09/2018 08:42

Thank you everybody for your comments.
@giantsquid probably keep your comments to yourself as telling me I've failed, and ultimately all the other people that struggle with children, is not helpful, not factual and I assume you have very compliant children.

My Son also has ADHD, very bad physical ticks, anxiety and OCD.
It's not failure... fail g would be not caring.

OP posts:
Giantsquid · 08/09/2018 09:00

@tobbay sorry what do you want? A hand hold? You’ve allowed your son to take drugs by paying his dealers. His SN aren’t an excuse. In fact they make him MORE vulnerable and yet? You are paying his drug dealers? Sort it out or get him the help you clearly cannot provide.

Letting your 15 year old with ADHD, ticks, anxiety and OCD smoke weed you pay for is a failure.

Giantsquid · 08/09/2018 09:03

My child isn’t particularly compliant no.. but I’ve never allowed them by proxy to skip school to lay around all day being aggressive and go out to buy drugs on credit.

I don’t believe children who aren’t allowed to behave so appallingly by enabling parents are particularly compliant. Just parented better.

Chosenone · 08/09/2018 09:11

Can you open up the dialogue that weed isn't going to help his ADHD /anxiety long term... it will make it worse! Can you take him to the GP to have this chat with him, prescribe am anti depressant instead?
Explain that although he thinks it helps etc you can't /won't tolerate it in your home and won't fund it. Remove his phone/screens until he is attending school and following your expectations.
Please dont get into a cycle of paying off dealers and ending his poor choices. My parents did with DB as a teen. They still are and he's 40!
Support him with love and calmness but keep your boundaries clear.

Chosenone · 08/09/2018 09:13

enabling not ending. My parents have enabled my DB since he was a teen. It began with laying dealers off!

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 08/09/2018 09:13

Ds was caught at school with weed. I reported him to the police.
We were estranged for a year while he camped out at df (Disney Father's) then ds sorted himself out and we are all good.
He is nc with df.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/09/2018 09:21

Your posts are particularly unhelpful Giantsquid Hmm
The OP is worried and has come on here for help and support. The last thing she needs is to be told she is a shit parent Hmm

Tobbay I think the time has come where you need to involve outside agencies. You need to get school on board. Also, I assume he is seeing HCP/therapists for his other difficulties? Can you talk to them? Maybe talk to the police? But first of all you need to stop enabling his habit by bailing him out. And hide all valuables or anything he can sell.

Good luck Flowers

TubeTop · 08/09/2018 09:39

Contact his school. They will give you support from a range of professionals who know and are invested in your son and will have seen this and worse many, many times.

First call should be to ask to see his head of year in person urgently. They will put the next steps in place with relevant help. You aren't alone.

Shut up @Giantsquid

Jagblue · 08/09/2018 09:42

We all worry about how to support our children when they get into difficulties.
Would it be possible to try to get closer to him an have an open conversation about how you both feel.
I talk to my son openly about my feelings. He is a few years younger than yours but I wanted more help at home and he was leaving a rubbish in every room.
I know it's different but we had a good chat and he is improving.
Try to build a bridge maybe he needs to find positive options.
See if you can give him more of your time. He needs less time to smoke. Get your boy back by focusing his attention away from weed.
Also talk to the school for advice/support.

CarolDanvers · 08/09/2018 09:48

Of stop it giantsquid. You could have parented your child well but you were not parenting the OP's child or any other child that goes off the rails. They're all different and you may well have found that had you had children who were less amenable who who were demand avoidant and obstructive as many children with ADHD are, that you'd be in this position too. You just got lucky. I know an adult with ADHD with three siblings. All three of his siblings are high achievers and very stable in their interpersonal relationships and careers. The sibling with ADHD is not, he achieves but it's peaks and troughs and he cannot maintain relationships. His parents tell me they worry more about him than the other three all together and always have. You may find your smugness comes back to bite you on the arse.

Squeegle · 08/09/2018 10:48

I have a DD who is conscientious, thoughtful and amenable. I have a DS who has been diagnosed with ADHD who is none of those. He is angry, can be aggressive and is certainly not conscientious. I do not believe (and this is backed up by those who know about adhd) that I have caused this behaviour. Of course, I can have some success in moderation it if I do the right things, but essentially I don’t think I should take the credit for my conscientious daughter ir the flak for my less than conscientious DS.

Marie0 · 08/09/2018 11:22

Oh that's tough. I think if it were me I'd be inclined to not pay as although it's hard I think you would be encouraging the situation to continue.

can you find out the names of the suppliers and involve the police?

endofthelinefinally · 08/09/2018 11:34

Giantsquid you have no idea. No clue at all.

My son started smoking weed at about this age. The school was actually the source of supply and had no effective policy - indeed they were in complete denial that they were facilitating drug sales and use on their premises.

DS1 was highly intelligent, a lovely boy, but I now realise he had ADHD that was not recognised. He is now dead, despite all my efforts to help him. Believe me, I tried.

All my children had the same upbringing. All very clever, very successful, extraordinary people. I always worried about DS1 far more than the others.

Smugness is very unattractive and not helpful to people who are struggling.

I wish I had some advice for the OP. My thoughts are that the ADHD is the problem and the reason. A mental health charity might be more help than anywhere else.

Marie0 · 08/09/2018 11:37

OMG endoftheline that's horrendous so sorry to hear that

Timeforabiscuit · 08/09/2018 11:43

The adhd will complicate things, especially if your son is having ticks and the cannabis helps - i can see how using would help him fit in.

This isnt him experimenting, this is him using - try calling your young peoples drug service for advice and also the school.

How is he getting hold of this? Friends? Street corner? School? Id talk with the police for advice at this stage, your son is in no way equipped at his age when things escalate, especially with drug debt being run up he is in danger of being exploited. Police involvement could be very supportive at this stage as they want to protect your son too.

woodlands01 · 08/09/2018 11:43

What are you going to do? He’s refusing school and into drugs at 15. You have seriously failed. If you cannot control your child’s drug use I suggest you inform the appropriate services to do it for you

OMG - I would love to know your super parenting skills. You actually make me feel physically sick. The 'appropriate services'? won't do much with a 15 year old anyhow - what would you expect?

OP - can you contact your local adolescent drug & alcohol abuse team, most councils have one but the name varies. Helped my son enormously and we managed to squash what could have escalated. My dear fiend who's son is off the scale has just got them involved and they are helping in & out of school.

Good luck - if you are like me you will spend these teenage years with a constant worry over both your child and whether you are handing it properly (whatever that means).

ellaV · 08/09/2018 11:48

I'm going to go against the grain and say to pay it off, as a short term fix to keep his head above water (don't know the consequences, or the person he's got the credit from and that would scare me).

At the same time as paying it though, I'd definitely speak to school, maybe the GP!? And the police.... personally, I'd probably let school advise me. Can you ask school anonymously?

As scary as it is to get outside agencies in, it COULD be a lot worse in the future if you don't.