Daughter VERY stressed about returning to school - because of clothes!

[doninwales]

Am very worried about my daughter who is becoming extremely stressed about returning to school this week.

She is going back, into the sixth form, where there is no uniform policy - so wearing own clothes.
Of her group of friends 10-15, most are thin, except for her and one other. She is by no means big - but has a slightly bigger belly. I/we don't really notice, but she claims all her friends DO notice.

She is constantly breaking down, claiming that she can't decide what to wear. It takes her 20+ minutes just to decide what to wear for a trip to the shops (in case of what people think of her). She is SO stressed about having to decide what to wear to school EVERY day.

I don't really know what to do and am getting concerned about what SHE might do.

I am always calm with her, even when she is stressed/shouting/crying. I have been shopping with her, pretty much agreeing to buy anything she wants (whilst trying not to spoil her) - but she is very particular and 'wouldn't be seen' in clothes from some shops. Yet can't find anything suitable 'for her shape' and 'for her age'. Doesn't really matter what I say to apply any logic to the situation, she seems to have fixed views on these matters.

She has considered (and is still considering) going to a different school, where she knows no one (more stress) and has worse results (she is an A* student) just because it has a uniform. Am supporting her with whatever choice she makes (though suspect there will be different stresses if she goes to another school).

I just don't know where to turn next. As a typical teenager she has fixed, stead-fast views, so any attempt to explain (quite honestly) that she looks fine, and clothes look good etc... are met with argument and that 'I just don't understand'.

I have agreed to join a gym with her, though this is not going to be a quick fix (and we can only go to certain places and certain times in case she is seen).

Whilst she has never showed any signs of hurting herself, I wonder if this situation shows signs of when children DO consider hurting themselves.

At best, I suspect her (currently excellent) academic performance is going to suffer, and at worst......well, I don't want to think about it.

Whilst I DO understand body image for teenage girls, I clearly don't fully appreciate the implications of 'peer pressure' amongst her age group. I certainly don't know what else to do.

I have offered to take her to Personal Shoppers, therapists etc...

Does anyone else have any other suggestions...?

BTW, I am her dad!

Her mum is rather more hard-nosed about the situation and they typically just end up shouting at each other which makes matters worse.

Thanks
Tom

Greentulips is right. Stop trying to fix it.

She is at the stage she is about to turn in to a young woman and needs to solve this herself. She isn’t daddies little girl anymore and she needs to learn to problem solve herself to grow in to an independent young woman. If she is ill with mental health then she needs to learn the importance of self help and going to the GP.

She either has severe aniexty and you need to insist she goes to the GP or she hasn’t just gets on with getting ready for school.

Give her the options

1. if she feels to horrible to be around her ‘friends’ she needs to get a new friendship group that she doesn’t feel judged in

2. she seeks therapy for her low self esteem

3. she sees the GP for anxiety

4. she just gets dressed and goes to school

I think your wife is right.

My eldest dd is 22. When she started to get to around 14 I made her get a weekend job and to start being independent. Lifts stopped if their was busses, she earned her own weekend money. She now lives in the city Center in a lovely apartment with a fab job and is super independent.

Leave her to fix it herself. I think it’s a bit odd to be honest your so over involved.

New look so nice clothes and not too pricey. Girls where I live all seem to shop there.

I was as your dd is when I was in 6th form (1997-1999!) as there was no uniform, it was an all-girls school but I knew everyone there as I'd been there since year 7 (age 11)

Until then I hadn't owned a pair of jeans even! No idea of fashion. Or what looked good, or where to shop. I was scrawny and had dreadful hair 😂 not painting a good picture of myself eh. I didn't like how I looked or that I knew I would stand out like a sore thumb.

I bought jeans in a few shades of blue, jumpers, t shirts, and a pair of trainers and a pair of Doc Martins. That is what I lived in for 2 years! I replaced / added to them every so often but essentially the things I wore were the same kind of stuff

I feel for you having to a) worry about her and b) try to help her / sort it out

Until she's settled in the new surroundings and finds her place, she'll still feel nervous and self conscious. But after 1-2 days of being there it'll certainly feel better for her.

Personal shopper are top shop is excellent. We did it for dd 5 years ago and this weekend we were sorting through clothes and she’s still wearing some of them.

This is really tricky and I understand why some posters are saying you can't fix it and it should be dealt with as a mental health problem. But trying to fix a mental health problem that leads to poor self image is not easy by any means!

I think the advice to start exercising is really good. Personally I found running was amazing for my self esteem and mental health. Could the two of you drive somewhere where she won't know anyone, and run together a few times a week?

For disguising a larger stomach there are definitely clothes which help. I don't know if your dd likes wearing a shirt with jeans, but something like a loose flannel shirt worn open over jeans or trousers can look great, or even with a short skirt if she feels good about her legs. A friend of mine who is very curvy always wears an open blazer and looks fantastic. Layers to distract are good - also funky jewellery, accessories, cool hair cut / colour, hats, nice boots or cool trainers, nail varnish, hair accessories etc. They don't change your daughter's shape but I know personally these kind of things make me feel more confident and distract ME from my shape even if they don't disguise it to other people!

I think other posters have mentioned Top Shop personal shopper. Also I don't know where you live, but a trip to a really big branch of H and M, Primark, New Look or Topshop might help as there is more variety.

However if this really is a sign of deeper mental health issues, an external fix is not going to do that much and it will need tackling from other angles. Good luck to both of you!

I can remember feeling like this, changing umpteen times a day, feeling nothing looked right.
If she's worried about her tummy, she'll need longer/looser tops - Elio suggested a loose flannel shirt, those lumberjack ones are fashionable at the moment.
Leggings with a short top will show every little imperfection, but jeans can be a bit more forgiving.
I think the thing is to acknowledge that it's all an issue, and if you've got the time a and patience( which it sounds like you have) go through her existing wardrobe with her, working out what she thins looks OK and what doesn't, what hides her tummy and what doesn't. She needs to go to school 5 days a week, so that's 5 outfits which need to feel OK to her - could be the same jeans with different t-shirts, or leggings and a a few big shirts etc. You can duplicate the outfits in different colours/patterns. I used to have my favourite jeans and about 3 or 4 really nice sweatshirts, but that was 100 years ago, and might not work for your daughter now. But you get the drift...
You can't have meltdowns every morning, so work out a uniform now.

Or maybe just work out a few days worth of outfits so that she can see what everyone else is wearing, before you commit to a big spend. There's such a huge variety of what's considered to be in fashion these days, there are probably very local variations on whats OK and what isn't. The 4 female 6th formers I know ( all at the same school) all have very different styles, and wouldn't be seen dead wearing what some of the others might consider staples.

and wouldn't be seen dead wearing what some of the others might consider staples

I agree with this. DD16 friends all wear different styles

The one who wears Gym leggings and trainers
The one who's into black ripped jeans
The one who spends £300 on one jumper
One who shops in the cheap shops because of budget
The one who spends ££££ on hair and makeup and trendy clothes
There's one more who happily floats about hippy style

Nice group with very different fashion ideas

I personally told my kids they were lucky to have working arms and legs. I

I really think that what she needs is support managing the anxiety. This isn't about the clothes, not really. Going into 6th form is a big change and she may just need some counselling to help her - I really think the clothes are a symptom of something underlying. Boosting her confidence is fine, but you can't solve this with clothes.

Wow. I go away for a day and I have a gazillion responses.

Thanks so much to everyone.

I see that it is not an uncommon issue. And from what I am reading, different people have different views on the cause and the possible resolution, and/or option to support.

A few new ideas for me to consider, and many appearing to think along the same lines as what I have thought already.

I DO agree, and AM concerned that in my attempts to support/overcome her anxiety, I may go too far and actually enhance it! Some people have mentioned that I should NOT consider Personal Shoppers, spending lots on clothes etc as this may 'support' her feelings of anxiety. Whilst others are suggesting exactly these options...... So is clearly a difficult decision for me, and others in a similar position.

For now, I have mentioned them and offered the option, but I will not pursue or encourage them further. I have left it so that she knows if SHE chooses, then I will support her.

Indeed, MY philosophy has always been to 'listen' first, empathise, then offer 'options' (from 'my' point of view) but ultimately leave the decision for HER to make. Is a life skill to make your own decisions, even in difficult situations. We all need someone there that we can use a sounding board to discuss ideas and someone who is there to support us with whatever we choose.

I am afraid that I do NOT agree (though totally accept the view point) of the 'hard-nosed' approach. I see that some people are suggesting that one. When someone is on the point of breaking down, I just can't believe that the approach is to tell them effectively to 'pull yourself together'. Perhaps to a 'strong-willed' person who is having a momentary lapse, then fine (like when 'I' go on a wobbly after a few bad holes of golf and my friends tell me to 'get over it', then 'I' can take it on the chin and move on).

But when a child is crying in front of me I am not going to tell her to 'stop and grow up'!

A visit to a GP/therapist of some sort is certainly something I would like, but as someone mentioned, if 'she' doesn't accept there is an issue she won't agree to go. And at the moment, she won't. Her latest response was 'What can they do? I know what suits me or not, there just isn't much.'

Despite people's suggests, and I 'might' be wrong, but I don't think there is much else of concern other than the combination of body image/clothes/self-confidence.....
She has good grades - a little 'aprehensive' about her A levels, but I don't think this is major.
She has many hobbies/activities - piano, netball, tennis etc...
She has a big circle of close friends - I DO appreciate the comments along the lines of 'if they are good friends why would they care what you wear or how you look'. 'I' don't understand this either! I have tried asking her, but she replies along the lines of 'they don't care, but I know what they are all thinking even if it's not malicious'.

So I just think it's down to self-image and self-confidence.

Don't forget, this is all bloody hard for me. I'm a man! Am sure that the boys will have a pair of jeans and a few tops and they'll last a week without thinking twice.

Schools (there are three options) start today/tomorrow but she hasn't selected one yet! Am sure she will go with the default (her current school) and 'suck it and see'. I'm hoping it will just all fall into place, and she'll realise it really isn't as bad as she was expecting.

(On a side note, I have NO problem with choosing a school based on academic performance etc.. Indeed one school is a private school, with very good academic results, but of course with a cost! We 'have' considered this as an option. However, I am NOT keen to consider a school based on non-essentials such as who wears what. Despite it being considered by her.....I geuss we will find out over the next week or two......)

Thanks
Tom

but ultimately leave the decision for HER to make

You she with uniform there was no decision, now she has to make a decision she's over complicating the process.

Don't forget, this is all bloody hard for me. I'm a man!

Your role her (as is her mothers) is to say 'wow you look nice today' 'Id love you the same in a bin bag'

'What can they do? I know what suits me or not, there just isn't much.'.

Again this isn't about the clothes it's about accepting herself the way she is and seeing herself and a healthy human being

Again this isn't about the clothes it's about accepting herself the way she is and seeing herself and a healthy human being

^
This. There is far too much emphasis on how people look these days. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful bright and talented young lady. I hope she can get to a place where she loves herself more for who she is rather than what she looks like.

I would attempt to focus on anything other than her body shape and clothes.

Forget the gym it risks becoming too focused on weight and body shape.

Praise her and enjoy her company , cinema trips or meals out. If she says she doesn't look good, say 'Well I think you look beautiful' and repeat.

I get where you are coming from but actually the gym and personal shopper isn't going to reduce anxiety it could heighten it. Her mum's way might be too harsh but the reality is she needs to get dressed and ready for school on time, tough.