Daughter VERY stressed about returning to school - because of clothes!

[doninwales]

Am very worried about my daughter who is becoming extremely stressed about returning to school this week.

She is going back, into the sixth form, where there is no uniform policy - so wearing own clothes.
Of her group of friends 10-15, most are thin, except for her and one other. She is by no means big - but has a slightly bigger belly. I/we don't really notice, but she claims all her friends DO notice.

She is constantly breaking down, claiming that she can't decide what to wear. It takes her 20+ minutes just to decide what to wear for a trip to the shops (in case of what people think of her). She is SO stressed about having to decide what to wear to school EVERY day.

I don't really know what to do and am getting concerned about what SHE might do.

I am always calm with her, even when she is stressed/shouting/crying. I have been shopping with her, pretty much agreeing to buy anything she wants (whilst trying not to spoil her) - but she is very particular and 'wouldn't be seen' in clothes from some shops. Yet can't find anything suitable 'for her shape' and 'for her age'. Doesn't really matter what I say to apply any logic to the situation, she seems to have fixed views on these matters.

She has considered (and is still considering) going to a different school, where she knows no one (more stress) and has worse results (she is an A* student) just because it has a uniform. Am supporting her with whatever choice she makes (though suspect there will be different stresses if she goes to another school).

I just don't know where to turn next. As a typical teenager she has fixed, stead-fast views, so any attempt to explain (quite honestly) that she looks fine, and clothes look good etc... are met with argument and that 'I just don't understand'.

I have agreed to join a gym with her, though this is not going to be a quick fix (and we can only go to certain places and certain times in case she is seen).

Whilst she has never showed any signs of hurting herself, I wonder if this situation shows signs of when children DO consider hurting themselves.

At best, I suspect her (currently excellent) academic performance is going to suffer, and at worst......well, I don't want to think about it.

Whilst I DO understand body image for teenage girls, I clearly don't fully appreciate the implications of 'peer pressure' amongst her age group. I certainly don't know what else to do.

I have offered to take her to Personal Shoppers, therapists etc...

Does anyone else have any other suggestions...?

BTW, I am her dad!

Her mum is rather more hard-nosed about the situation and they typically just end up shouting at each other which makes matters worse.

Thanks
Tom

The wardrobe planning idea is great! She could lay outfits out on her bed with accessories etc and take a photo for each day of the week.

Thanks PetraDelphiki. My wife and both daughters already go to Bravissimo for bras. Costs a fortune! But presumably worth it :-)

OK, am leaving for now. 'Have to' go and play golf. That's what us men do. Is almost the law!

I'll discuss with daughter this evening, and pop back on here thereafter.

Thanks for everyone's advice so far. And I look forward to hearing any further advice later on :-)

Thanks
Tom

I'm a bit torn here. I do think that it sounds like you are being uber-supportive here, but I wonder if there is any level at which the time and energy you are putting into this is fueling the anxiety/sense that this is something that needs worrying about? One practical thing that might help is setting aside a fashion-show day to organise her wardrobe. So, decide on core outfits (x top is best with y jeans; wear it with z shoes/q necklace or p scarf (NB I think we are thinking of light scarves here rather than wool ones). Accessories can really make an outfit look put together. Then put the outfits together in the wardrobe ready made up and/or take photos of the outfits to put on the wardrobe door. Then each outfit is a little uniform ready to go. I did this for a while and noticed what a difference it makes - and it also made things much quicker and easier in the mornings. Would she ever go shopping with a friend (maybe the girl in her peer group whose body she feels is also less than perfect?) - she might trust a peer's opinion on how good her outfits look more than her middle aged dads...!

It sounds like I might be quite a similar shape, and my friends and I (just out of uni so hopefully not too 'old' for her! ) all tended to wear things like high waisted jeans, which suck you in a bit, and then a floaty blouse or a boxy (not baggy) thicker top or jumper.

Have you tried looking on social media for representations of other body types too? There's loads of great style Instagram accounts, for example! Maybe something like daintydressdiaries? I don't follow many style accounts so can't suggest more off the top of my head, but I think that's worth looking into?

Good luck

Another thing is if she wants to wear things like the other girls do, tight dresses or skirts etc. is to balance out the proportions by wearing a bigger top with a tight skirt, or a thigh length chunky cardigan

What does she wear at the weekends/holidays now?

I have two daughters and have had similar problems. I found the issue is not clothes, or even body shape but self esteem and almost a lack of identity/sense of belonging. My eldest daughter swaps her "look" every week and is a pain in the arse for "borrowing" other peoples clothes. It is almost like she takes on their persona and after some digging it is because she feels like she is not interesting, or popular. Broke my heart but we really worked hard at improving her self esteem by getting her to engage in groups. So she did pole fitness and aerial hoops etc .....doing that she met woman of all body shapes and sizes and realised that you can be happy and secure at any size. She really found her people and also found a body positivity movement locally. She slowly realised that her friends were not her friends, they were calling her on clothing choices and the like but she now realises that it is their own insecurity issues that makes them behave badly by tearing her down to make them feel better. We bought some self help books for building confidence too and that seemed to help.

I wish you all the luck in the world, teenage girls are a nightmare at times but she will hopefully get better.

Eg. Something like this (from Pinterest)? These big cardigans are quite popular at the moment, there are loads on ASOS! I love them because they can cover up all the bits I don't like but you can still wear more form fitting clothes?
Just a thought

I suspect when she starts back that her anxiety may lessen. There is usually an informal uniform adopted of jeans and t-shirts or jumpers!

Brilliant post JessBradleyTheBusStopWanker (and username) 😊

I think you need to one stop trying to 'solve' the problem. You are feeding it.
Let her speak and you listen without offering the gym personal shopper etc because you are giving it higher valuation than needed

She's needs to work it out for own herself

This was me as a teenager. I really feel for her (and you!) I also had a big tummy (or felt I did) and had regular meltdowns over clothes. Is it that she wants to wear a certain type of clothes but feels she can't? Glad to hear she hasn't got an ED. You are being very supportive which is nice-i do agree with a pp though... Don't make it a larger issue than it is, you're helping enough.
May not be an option for your daughter but whaf helped me was developing a different style altogether. Instead of feeling I looked like my friends but fatter, I looked completely different. theyd be in their jeans and t shirts, I'd wear a long flowly dress or dungarees and long sleeved top. Might that be worth approaching?

@doninwales

You sound like an amazing dad!

My best friend is exactly the same, she's 30. I/we (all her friends & DP) think she looks amazing in whatever she wears. She's a slim size 10, but, she has crippling anxiety over her weight and how she looks to the point that she's cancelled nights out/meet ups/broken down in tears at events as she thinks she looks awful.

She's an amazing person, well educated, rational and extremely well respected within her industry and career. She earns enough to spend as much money on clothes as she wants. She eats healthy, runs and goes to the gym. On the outside she has a perfect life - but she can't get past that in her head she looks fat. No clothes are never good enough and she never ever feels nice.

My point is, with her it's definitely something a lot deeper than just not being happy with her outfit.

This is what it sound like for your DD, almost like she has body dysmorphia. The world can tell her she looks amazing, and mean it, but she can't believe it. I do have sympathy for teenagers these days, everything is about social media and image - although we can see through these retouched, staged shots - the pressure to be "perfect" is everywhere.

Keep on being supportive and empathetic like you are, I would investigate the possibility of some therapy around body image/social anxiety if you can get her to buy in to it.

I"ve also got a 16 y/o about to go into yr 12 (college in her case), and I do wonder if a lot of what you're seeing is generalised stress displacing onto the nearest available thing.

DD has been having a complete meltdown about an audition today for the local panto - which she has been in ever year for about the last 100 years, and auditioned every time with zero dramatics.

I do think all you can do is keep re-assuring her that it'll all be fine, and not get drawn into it. Unless it's wildly different from round here, 99% of the kids will be wearing jeans and a sports team/other club hoodie within a week. Just grit your teeth, lots of active listening and hang in there - if things don't improve within a week or so of starting term, that's the time to worry, I'd say.

It sounds like body dysmorphia. No amount of covering will fix what in her head she feels is the problem.

In terms of helping rather then clothes what aboit underwear to help control her tummy, would lessen bumps and maybe help a bit.

Bit i recomend a trip to gp she might be able to access some counselli g etc..

Another tip, as a photographer i know the tricks editors use to postproduce images and alotof internet influencers are now usingit too. There are some really good videos online that show how much post editing is done on models most are unreconisgable at the end. It might help to show her .

I agree with previous posters it's not really the clothes that are the problem and she needs to learn to appreciate her body shape/ identify what the core issue is. This isn't just about her being at school for the next few years, it's about her being in society past school. Please don't agree with her looking for another school because they have a uniform. What she going to do when she works? Only go for a job with a uniform? As a previous poster said yes be understanding but she will also need a firm hand of " you look fine."

I think its not working because she is trying to solve the ‘clothes’ problem when it is an anxiety or low self esteem problem. And you sound very supportive and helpful. I find that teens don’t much want to listen to solutions, they more want us to listen to their moans, which helps them process it - so our tips and suggestions might actually be counter-productive because it stops them processing.

I think lots of hmms, nods and active listening together with some questions are your friends here, like ‘hmm, its a problem not having a uniform, what’s your friend going to do?’ Or ‘do you think it will be worse or better when you actually get there?’ ‘Are people nice there, or will they be mean?’ ‘How do you fell about the work/the timetable/your groups?’ ‘Are you going to meet up with anyone before term starts?’ Avoid assumptions or solutions. Tell her about when you used to be self-conscious about your hair/sticking out ears/acne and point out that our teens are our most self-conscious years and you understand.

And also a firm but gentle expectation that she is going to get herself into college every day and that you are not going to get into clothing choices in the mornings. Don’t engage with the in the moment stress, she is just using you as a diversion from the anxiety she is feeling. ‘I know you’re anxious, you still need to do it.’

Going against the grain of the first few responses I've read. She needs medical help. This is symptomatic of the way her mind is working and I think getting a personal shopper etc is enabling this. She needs to recognise that her behaviour is not normal and the way she feels is not how most other people feel. As much as you want to support her, I think buying more clothes etc is enforcing that it's OK for her to be so distressed about it and it's not, she's being very irrational but she's so far in she can't see that, and she's probably not mature enough to recognise the anxiety flags within her yet. This will manifest in different ways throughout her life and it will get to a point where she is on her knees and it breaks her if something can't be done beforehand. I think joining a gym is good from a health and fitness perspective but I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up very slim and is still unhappy, she needs to get her head around there not being a quick fix.

You sound like a lovely and supportive parent, it might be that she's not ready to talk to a GP yet if she doesn't think it's really a problem, the old 'you can lead a horse to water...' scenario.

It sounds like this is about body image, the clothes are just the manifestation of that. And body image issues and an eating disorder don't have to come as a pair.

Body dysmorphia (or body dysmorphic disorder) is a serious problem common among teenagers (and all other age groups) in this age of social media because of the emphasis it puts on appearance rather than achievement.

Can I recommend particularly this book, maybe even initially to read yourself rather than giving it straight to her. It will give you an insight into how she is thinking and will give you a starting point for some conversations. The book explains the thoughts behind BDD, but is also a self help book to overcoming it and seeing that those thoughts are not based in reality.

I'm sure things will be a lot easier for your Dd once term actually starts, the reality often being far less scary than the imagined.

A statement designer bag I found was great for teens to hide behind, Dd who is now 19 favoured DKNY or Michael Kors leather rucksacks for sixth form.
Add a lovely watch or necklace and sadly most will look beyond any perceived imperfections in body shape or clothing choice.

Does your Dd have any older girls she knows who would take her shopping?

Cross posted with others while I was writing that and looking up the book!

Maybe ask her to join the gym with you and start a healthy life style together instead of her going down the isolated bulimic route behind your back. And take her girly clothes shopping, nails hair etc a girly day. I really feel for your daughter in this day and age it's all about being stick thin and prancing about in crop tops, which I think the school shouldn't allow. Schools not a place for showing off belly's and are those so called Friends making fun of her? I would worry as this could affect her education long term all because some silly cows want to make a laugh at someone's expense

Is there a dress code at her sixth form? I know some say they have to wear 'office wear'. At the 6th form college my DS goes to, pretty much anything goes and they all seem to live in jeans, leggings, tshirts, baggy jumpers, etc. Their friends seem to be all shapes and sizes. It sounds like having very slim friends is knocking her confidence, so when she gets there and gets to meet a whole range of people with different body types, she may feel more relaxed.

This lady is very good and has a really supportive fb group that she might find useful

www.styledbysusie.co.uk/