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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Need some help please with how to handle a rude and disrespectful 13 yr old!!!

48 replies

flowerpot1000000 · 31/08/2018 16:09

DS is so rude to me. The way he speaks to me, treats me etc. I do everything for him eg. Taking him back and forth to his sporting activity, giving up weekend etc he is so unappreciative. Homelife is constantly over shadowed with arguing, grumpiness and rudeness. He's the same with DH...It's really getting me down. Im.sat upstairs crying now after yet another argument about his attitude and rudeness.

OP posts:
Original poster
flowerpot1000000 · 31/08/2018 16:13

DH says to just ignore butit isnt right for him to get away with it all. Ehen something happens it esculates with rudeness and attitude and then the focus is off the reason of why it started. He knows how much I have on at the moment looking after an elderly father, and also another ill family member us trying to work in between. Im just crumbling I can feel it

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Original poster
flowerpot1000000 · 31/08/2018 16:13

Are there any books you would recommend?

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combatbarbie · 31/08/2018 16:17

Stop taking him to the sport would be my first move....let him find his own way there

OzymandiasFanClub · 31/08/2018 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OzymandiasFanClub · 31/08/2018 16:27

Tony Wolf and Suzanne Franks' Get Out Of My Life: But First Take Me and Alex Into Town sounds perfect for you!

Good advice but difficult to implement in the real world when you are fizzing with anger and indignation. But read it when you're calm and try your best to apply....

Your DS doesn't sound unusual I'm afraid but it's time for you and his DD to sit down together, united front and all that, and explain that lifts, meals, washing etc will be provided in return for politeness, consideration and contribution to the family.

Original poster
flowerpot1000000 · 31/08/2018 16:43

Ive heard of this book but a friend basically said the book just suggests not getting drawn into other stuff and just walk away. Im sure this is normal teenage stuff but Im drained Angry

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IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 31/08/2018 16:50

Are there specific triggers or is he just constantly on rude mode?

Does he have phone, Consoles etc? Anything that is a privilege? (This includes pocket money and lifts.)

What sort of things is he doing/saying? And how do you respond?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 31/08/2018 16:57

I have two teen boys, 13 and 16 and I find that at 13 they need a surprising amount of input and attention.

Really needed to treat them like oversize toddlers at times: lots if boundaries (and arguments about boundaries) but they also still need a lot of positive attention, IMO

It's an age that requires time and effort...just when you think it was getting easier Grin

DelphiniumBlue · 31/08/2018 16:59

I do everything for him eg. Taking him back and forth to his sporting activity, giving up weekend etc
I don't think it's helpful for his personal development for you to be running around after him while he's being so rude to you.
Ozymandiaspost is spot on with the advice in her 3rd paragraph.

It is not normal teenage behaviour, although plenty of teenagers are unable to empathise with their parents circumstances. He probably doesn't get how difficult things are for you at the moment, but you need to make it clear to him that rudeness doesn't pay.

TatterdemalionAspie · 31/08/2018 17:04

I find that threatening to go on strike if I feel unappreciated (and listing all the services which would then be withdrawn... cooking, washing, lifts, provision of wifi, etc etc) often triggers a more appreciative and respectful mindset. It's a valuable and necessary lesson to learn in life that if you want people to help you, then you need to treat them well. You have to absolutely be prepared to carry out the threat and stick to it, though.

butterfly990 · 31/08/2018 17:22

Have a look at connective parenting using NVR.

The book is free at the moment on kindle and is only 70 pages longish.

www.amazon.co.uk/Connective-Parenting-guide-connecting-Approach-ebook/dp/B0725S97JP/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=connective+parenting&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1520329081&sr=8-1

Original poster
flowerpot1000000 · 31/08/2018 17:35

No triggers as such but I do think as he is an only child you have the time to let it get to you confront and argue etc if you get my jist. Cant let him go to sport activity on his own too far away.

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Seniorschoolmum · 31/08/2018 17:49

Set a new rule. Every time he calls you a rude name he foregoes a lift or loses his phone for an hour. Two names two hours and so on.
Be prepared to take it off him for a week at a time if necessary.
He can earn it back by doing things you ask like setting the table or taking the bins out.
He is the child, you are the adult. Stop sitting on your bed, go and agree a strategy with your dh, and then stick to it.
You need to stand your ground.

pasanda · 01/09/2018 07:50

I really would read the book mentioned above (get out of my life....)

No matter what your friend said, it might actually work for you. It certainly saved my sanity!!

Biologifemini · 01/09/2018 07:56

Switch off the WiFi and take his phone off him and don’t drive him to sport. Until he consistently stops being rude.
I’d also have dinner etc sat down with him and get him to talk to you. Teens need their parents more than younger children, in my opinion.

Theresnodisneyending · 01/09/2018 08:01

Don't take him to the activity! If he's being a rude little shit, don't bloody then ferry him around like he's a little prince that gets to treat people however he wants but also gets to do his sports. Let him experience missing out. If he still can't be respectful to you, he gives up his sport.

BoBro · 01/09/2018 08:04

Definitely read 'Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex in to town' - you will feel so much better about things after understanding the reasons behind the behaviour. It has been my summer reading as I have a ride and disrespectful teen too.

The bit about not getting drawn in to things is more about stating your point and then going - so you don't keep going over the same things arguing.

BillywilliamV · 01/09/2018 08:06

"Get out of my life" totally saved my sanity. Cant recommended it highly enough,

UnderTheSleepingBaby · 01/09/2018 08:08

There is a book called how to talk so teenagers listen and listen so they talk. Not sure what it is like but I have found the toddler one in the same series to be really useful for ideas on handling my 3yr old's tantrums

BoBro · 01/09/2018 08:08

I would be glad he's out doh go a sporting activity tbh.

When at home though, we do turn off the social media if behaviour is bad. We also have phones handed in at 9.30pm every day, and WiFi turned off at that time too.

YourHandInMyHand · 01/09/2018 08:33

When you say it's too far. Is it impossible to access? If not let him do it. Make him see that you are helping him out by taking him.

I do know a lot of parents that are horrified at the idea of letting their dcs travel independently. At 11 I was getting two public buses across town to school and then the same back every day. I'd have to get myself up super early every school day, organise myself around both buses timetables, take time walking to bus stops, getting ready etc into account. It did me the world of good.

On the flip side I had class mates who lived 5 mins from school who's parents would drop them off or pick them up everyday even in year 1. Shock

So to sum up my rambling, unless his sporting activity is at the top of an impassable mountain let him figure out the logistics!!

I have a 13 year old of my own. I agree they are quite like big toddlers. Grin However he knows to treat me with respect. Any moodiness or grumpy huffs he's reminded of his privileges (wifi, consoles, phone, Netflix, etc) and quickly falls in line and apologises. I didn't let him behave like a monster as a toddler and I won't now either!

YourHandInMyHand · 01/09/2018 08:34

year 11 not year 1. Hmm

mrsjackrussell · 01/09/2018 08:40

Yep the book 'get out of my life ' made me feel so much better when I'd read it. My teens have had me in tears at times including last week when my 16 yr old made me cry in a restaurant because they were so nasty. One thing that has worked in the past is refusing to take them places. Not activities because half the time they didn't want to do that anyway but things like dropping them off to meet friends. They do grow out of it eventually. My oldest is my best friend now.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/09/2018 08:50

I think it's both normal behaviour and rude disrespectful behaviour if that makes sense. Is his worried about his grandad?

Id start refusing to give him lifts when he is rude.
How much would a taxi cost? He could pay it out of his pocket money.

PoshPenny · 01/09/2018 09:03

I'd stop running around after him for starters as suggested upthread. You need to remain calm and just keep saying no and explaining in short simple phrases why you are saying no. I'm not going to take you to X now because youve been so rude,oh dear what a shame, you'd better let them know you won't be coming now. Such a shame you've let the whole team down by being so rude and horrible to your mother. And then refuse to engage. It's vitally important you nip this in the bud now, it will only get worse if you don't. Is your husband supporting you, he ought to be telling your son not to speak to you like that. Vital the two of you keep a united front in the face of horrible teenage child behaviour. It depends where you live, but maybe start to research if there is a way he could get there on his own so you have more free time? Also tell him you don't need him acting like a brat, you're worried about your fatherThanks

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