Need some help please with how to handle a rude and disrespectful 13 yr old!!!

[flowerpot1000000]

DS is so rude to me. The way he speaks to me, treats me etc. I do everything for him eg. Taking him back and forth to his sporting activity, giving up weekend etc he is so unappreciative. Homelife is constantly over shadowed with arguing, grumpiness and rudeness. He's the same with DH...It's really getting me down. Im.sat upstairs crying now after yet another argument about his attitude and rudeness.

I agree it can be draining and you can’t always let them ‘get away’ with it.
Re taking to activities etc - if too awkward to get transport then he could get taxi, come back by transport if you take (so he’s not late), you could drop at a certain point. I often do the last two as I’m not a taxi service but appreciate that a lift somewhere knocks half the travelling time out.
I’m sure if you give him some independence he will feel a bit better about himself and not push back as much and you won’t resent the time taken with lifts etc.

I don't do anything for my kids when they're rude to me. No pocket money, boring dinners, no lifts, no nice days out, electronic devices removed or WiFi switched off. Even just the threat of it works but I admit my teenager is the most laid back well meaning person I have ever met. I don't know where he gets it from tbh, so it's easy for me to give advice. Try the above alongside "sorry, I don't be doing any favours for someone who speaks to me like that".

Sympathies. I have a 14 yo dd and a 13 yo dd. I'm not speaking to 14 yo this morning because she was horrible to me last night. She's just come in asking for a lift into town and I've made it clear she won't get one from me. She wouldn't put up with her friends speaking to her the way she spoke to me last night, and I'm not prepared to either!

She's actually usually a lovely teen, but I'm standing firm on this one. They need to realise that I am their best ally! Treat me badly and you lose out!

I think the important thing is to stick to your guns. Don't cave in when he begs for lifts etc otherwise he wont take you seriously in future.
I would sit him down and have a blunt conversation about how things have to change. N.b. you are not doing future girlfriends any favours by enabling horrible behaviour towards you. He will start to think it is normal.

I will tell you what works though you are going to find it tough.

You tell him everything is off - lifts, pocket money, outings etc
He needs to learn to ask politely and thank you afterwards.

He needs this to be drummed in. So repeat, be strong, repeat.

He will learn quickly.

the thing is, parenting is not instinctive at all. What we should do for our children is very often quite different to what we want to do for them. So you need to separate your feelings of protection from the requirement that you teach him to behave respectfully. It'll be of far more use to him long term.

I agree with picklepost

I wouldn’t be saying “no privileges until you stop being rude” I tell mine “no privileges until you’re consistently respectful.” There’s a difference between those two sentences IMO. One means just muttering under their breath instead of saying the rude remark out loud to avoid consequences. They turn on the charm for half an hour because they need a lift. They say “but I wasn’t rude!” They’re still being disrespectful of you, and getting their privilege. The other means a total change of tone and language in all interactions. Meaning it becomes habit to speak pleasantly with everyone. That means you and DH modelling it btw.

Cant let him go to sport activity on his own too far away.

The idea is, if he is rude he doesn't go at all. You need to put your foot down as he sounds like he is dictating things in your house and you need to firmly remind him he us the child and you are the adult and manners and respect matters.

*is

Hormones.

Don’t sweat the small stuff and sit tight until he’s 18/19 and grown out of it.

Honestly it’s very low level.

Be thankful your teen isn’t pregnant/in jail/on drugs/missing/self harming.

Sarahandduck, yes and no.

You can be grateful for all that, and still expect to be treated with a bit of respect

Just because I am a mum does not mean I'll roll over. I think I do my teen DS a favour, long term, by expecting to be treated with respect (as they should treat everyone)

I share your pain, having just had an angry meltdown from DS2 this afternoon. The bad news is that he is just turned 16 and I'd thought he might have grown out of this by now!

I do wonder if there is some 'back to school' tension brewing this week? DS had all sorts of plans for the summer holidays and he hasn't managed to do a lot of them. This apparently seems to be our fault for taking him on [a fantastic] holiday for three weeks .

The book Get Out of My life totally condones disrespectful, entitled and even abusive behaviour from teen to parent. How this book has become so popular is frightening. Its basically saying to parents "put up and shut up" until they leave home. Awful.

You should've made great ground work pre teens, in that they know and understand manners and how to treat people. Most people manage this.

So assuming you have raised him to be polite and respectful, the attitude now coming through is just testing the boundaries and pushing your buttons.

So I agree you ignore the bad and reward the good.

I also agree that the next 3 requests are met with a no (lifts, money, etc)

Explain simply 'I'm saying no because you were rude and disrespectful' No need to engage further. He wants a fight and you're giving him one.

Just started reading this book (quite an old one) www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Your-out-Control-Teenager/dp/0312303017?tag=mumsnetforum-21. I haven't got the full gist of it yet, but it seems like more of a zero tolerance approach. In contrast to the Get out of my Life (which I have also read).You try not to get drawn into arguments and don't let them push your buttons, but also you ensure there are firm consequences for unwanted behaviour.

I have a rude and disrespectful 13 year old. i have learnt to not take anything personally (it's not personal even though it feels it is).

Don't engage with any arguments or rants with him.

When he is rude simple say "We'll talk later when you are calm and reasonable" then I walk away.

Unfortunately it is not uncommon for teens to not have developed the 'empathy' part of the brain yet!

Yes, Majestic,

Agree, try not to be drawn into confrontations and arguments except where necessary.

Agree, also to mainly walk away, but dish out some reasonable consequences where necessary, and have a few things that you don't accept (e.g. I don't accept a dirty bedroom - no or reduced pocket money if kept in that state, no arguments, but no pocket money or treats).

My son is grumpy grumpy grumpy too - I just try to ignore. I just cross my fingers and hope he's not depressed.

The rudeness - well I rarely engage with him conversationally unless he is being pleasant. If he doesn't do something he's meant to e.g. washing up on occasion, again no or reduced pocket money. I just pay for basics otherwise - food, travel, phone card SIM (£5 per month). So far, he hasn't had full pocket money the last 6 weeks.

But when he does help etc or is OK to be around I do try to be appreciative.

Also, try and live your own life (if you've any energy left), and try not to let it get you down, though it can I know make you feel awful at times.

Still no better tonight Ive just walked put the house and am currently sitting in my car. All I asked tonight was what homework have you and can you explain the timetable for extended learning I'd been sent. Just rudeness and cant be bothered to explain which gets my back up which then turns into a separate argument about his rudeness and attitude. Im tired and exhausted with it all. So put my coat back on walked out to cool off

Well done for stepping away flowerpot. The rudeness is used as a distraction tactic by him so you forget about the homework. Important not to take it personally.

I absolutely agree with that !!!!

So make some consequences for HIM instead of for you.

Mine was really rude last night. It made me cry which is the first time ever.

I decided to just take minimally to him for a week or so. Not engage unless vital i.e. to do with food school or homework etc.

To keep out of each other's way.

If he is rude then the playstation goes off a few hours.

He wants a couple of things online but I said I won't buy them until his behaviour improves.

He was so surprised this morning how quiet I was lol.

Not sure if it will help though! I just really don't want to talk to him or face him but there is just us two with no family members and he hardly ever sees his dad.

Normally things are easier so maybe just a phase.

Do not reward bad behavior.

If he is being rude or misbehaving, take away his privileges to show him it is not OK, and he won't be getting away with it. Be firm and stick to it!