At what age would you leave a teenager overnight?

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I am probably a more lax parent, but am lucky I have a sensible, mostly responsible teenager. But age you would leave overnight is something I am struggling with.
DD as I say is sensible and mostly responsible she can make a meal, run the washing machine, can mostly be relied upon to fed the pets ( definitely if alone). She can travel well on public transport to various locations.
Home is in a 'naice' area down a lane, has electric gates, downstairs burglar alarm that can be on when asleep, village shop and bus stop are 5 mins walk away, she would have 4 cats and a dog for company, I would allow a girlfriend to stay with her, but not her boyfriend ( geographically distant homes so he would be reliant on his mum for transport).
I am considering it for early December DP has his work Xmas do, we would need to stay a single night in London would leave about 3pm be back about midday the next day. We would have a couple of drinks, but are not heavy drinkers. She would be almost 15 in fact if she had been born according to original plan she would be 15 so very close. She happily babysits other people's children. She is trusted at school which is 6months to 18 years and regularly works with reception, nursery and year 1 pupils on drama projects as she is a scholar.
My heart says she will be fine and cope well probably lounging around watching TV and doing homework. I just wonder what others think. I do have 4 months to make alternative arrangements if necessary, but I do believe in gradually creating independence.

My next door neighbour did this. Her DD us sensible, not a party girl, but one of her friends (it just takes 1!) Invited herself and then the entire year to the house for a "party" about 50 kids showed up, the girl knocked on my door and begged for help to get them out. DH and I got everyone to leave

Then there were 50 kids roaming the village with nowhere to go until they were picked up by their (feckless) parents at midnight

That made me reassess whether to leave DC on their own overnight as teens.

It went from 1 silly friend coming over to a huge crowd in less than an hour

I still don't understand all the parents,who just dumped their kids there with no question

Life lesson for me (and NDN!!!)

So actually she'd be 14? Even though she sounds as ready as any 14yo would be, it feels too young if something went wrong in the middle of the night when it's hard to get help. There is still a lot of growing up to be done between 14 and 16.

I left my kids over night when they were 14. We live in a village, with nearby good friends on call and no possibility of parties springing up (not that they would have anyway). One of our kids also rode a public bus to school (with his 10-year-old brother) starting when he was 7. They never had a problem.

We have 3 kids, two girls are 17 and 15. In the situation you describe I would have the kids stay at a friends house, although now my eldest will be 18 next month it’s tricky. It’s not because I don’t trust her and think she is an adult, it’s safety as my eldest is petite. I think I would prefer it if she had a couple of friends over so there were a few older girls in the house together. As your daughter would be alone, in the same situation I would ask her to arrange a sleepover and stay at a friends house, I would want to know she was in a house with adults.

AChickenCalledKorma
There is still a lot of growing up to be done between 14 and 16.

For boys, yes. But not for girls. In my experience (35 years teaching teenagers, plus voluntary work with Scouts and DofE), girls actually do a lot of their growing up between 13 and 14. Boys, however, are typically a year to 18 months later.
Did you watch the video - especially the bit where the Australian dad was re-evaluating his stance?

Isentthesignal
I would hope there’s not too much difference between a 15 and 16 year old?

You are not alone in thinking this. I have discussed it with many people and they have observed the same "maturity spurt" in girls. I even read an article about the biology of the phenomenon which suggests it's an evolved survival mechanism.

Sorry, I think she is too young - still 14!

Personally, I wouldn't leave dd before 16, even though she is already mature and capable at 13. I would be a bit shocked if she was invited to stay with one of her friends who was home alone too, and I would not want her to go.

Thing is even my 15 year old boy is quite mature. Either way while they are still at the age where parties are a risk I'd let your neighbours know you won't be around and that you haven't agreed to any parties, the dcs would be told the neighbours had been informed.
The video was interesting - it blamed parents for not letting their kids walk to school but there are a few schools around here that have stated quite clearly that they expect a child to be walked to school till year 6 and even then they expect a parent to sign a letter stating that they are allowing their dc to walk alone and have done all the necessary training beforehand. I know a woman who refused to allow her dd to walk to secondary because she was convinced she'd get abducted due to her stunning good looks.

DD is categoric that she wouldn't have a party and I've always said, it's not that I don't trust her but I don't trust her friends. We still left her for one night a couple of times at age 15 but kept her on her toes by saying we weren't 100% certain we would stay over and night come back. Now she's done it a couple of times I'm not worried. The biggest issue I have about leaving her is worrying about her being bored or lonely but she can, and has, invited a friend over who lives nearby and whose parents we are very good friends with. She actually likes being on her own and having the responsibility but one night is enough. The cat is great company for her!

Leonard I have a 16 year old and can only speak from my own experience. She and all her friends universally seem much more adult than they did at 14.

See fire service advice. Teenage brains do not hear things while sleeping, like smoke alarms, so there should always be an adult in the building.

My tuppence worth. It's not about trust, but too much responsibility. If something happened I don't want her feeling responsible at such a young age. I wouldn't want to put that on her shoulders.

From what you describe I wouldn't hesitate except to worry she would be lonely - so as long as she has a friend there. No problem.

I am like you and encourage independence . All the children have done their own washing/ironing from year 7 and could cook a family meal by 12. So it just depends. I've got friends whose parents are still making their pack lunches at 17 !

It also depends on your character. If you are going to be playing 'what if....' for the duration you are away then it's a no go.. simply because you will have a horrible time. DD however will be fine.

She would be almost 15 in fact if she had been born according to original plan she would be 15 so very close.

So she is 14. Just say 14. Not almost 15 or should have been 15, she is 14.

There is absolutely no need to leave a 14yo overnight so you can go to a Christmas do.

AChickenCalledKorma

Leonard I have a 16 year old and can only speak from my own experience. She and all her friends universally seem much more adult than they did at 14.

Interesting. Of course, I can only speak from my own experience. I have no idea how many teenagers I have met, but I have spent a number of years as a Year 9 form tutor and a similar number as a sixth-form tutor. Both in girls' schools, so ages 13-14 and 16-18. And of course I've taught girls aged 14-16 as well. This is all I have to base my observations on.

I am actually quite concerned about this parental paranoia phenomenon, as mentioned in the video. My take on parenting is that it should be about teaching one's children how to become adults, and actually encouraging independence. Many posters on this thread seem to want to stifle it.

Teenagers are much more capable than you might expect. Example, from my time as a DofE expedition trainer:
Group of recently 15-year-old girls, wanted to wild-camp in the New Forest. They had to get special permission for this, from the Forest authorities. They sorted that out themselves. Then they had to get their plan approved by the DofE office - it was.
And they did it. No supervisor - or indeed any other adult - closer than about an hour's traveling time. And it was fine. OK, so not quite the same as being in a house, and there were five of them, but they had to be completely self-sufficient, so arguably a more challenging situation.

So, in my opinion, teenagers today are stressed but not stretched. And that's not a good thing.

Independence and being alone are not the same thing.

The party thing would worry me. I was left alone at that age, but my neighbour was very nosy (which DM encouraged!) - if more than two friends came to the door for me she would come around to see what was going on! Annoyed me intensely at the time but I can see now it probably saved me from any situations getting out of hand.

Is there anyone who can check on her op?

Although she may be very sensible, and would almost certainly not do anything stupid, I still think it's too big a risk.

She THINKS she would be fine, but might still get night terrors when she is alone in the house and it starts creaking.

Her friends might catch wind of the situation, and turn up on the doorstep, putting her in a very difficult position.

Dodgier people might catch wind of the situation....

I know this sounds stupid and contrary, but I think your nice, secure house tucked away up a lane is actually against you. I live in really rough and notorious area, on a busy residential terraced street which is always full of scruffy folk milling about outside, and I would be much happier to leave my teenager here because there are so many people around watching that she could call on.

My DD is probably mature enough to be on her own.I work long days so she is used to fending for herself.I have never left her alone at night.
However,while I should worry less as she gets older I am reevaluating.If she had a boyfriend in the future,I was away for the night and he knew although I think she could be strong I worry about coercion and she would not be able to use the'my mum
is waiting for me',my mum'll be back in a minute,or no my mum is in.
I trust her but remember those trembling feelings and the 'but if you loved me line...'.Saying no is one thing but having a must your back makes it easier.Im not sure how clear this is but boys her age now are awash with hormones.

seventhgonickname if you have left your dd for long days for work - I'm sure if she felt the urge with her boyfriend, you've given her ample opportunity...maybe if that is a concern you need to have a chat with her about precautions.

I wouldn't even consider it until at least 16. And I'd be pretty unimpressed if you were asking my 14 year old to stay with yours when you were away.

Depends on the teenager! I have a boy who is almost 16 and he is so away with the fairies that I wouldn't dream of leaving him, he would forget to lock the door or go to bed. My 13 year old daughter is SO much more responsible and would be fine on her own, but wouldn't want to be left.

I left my dd overnight when she was 16 but although I trusted her previous to this dd wasn’t keen on the idea.

I’ve had a few weeks away since and dd has got more used to me being away, is now comfortable with being in the house alone

So she is 14, due date means nothing. Absolutely not even 16 is quite young 17 isbetter. 16 if in sixth form not year 11 and very mature.

Oh and you don’t “ need” to go on your dp works night out. Grow up and be a parent.

Not until after 16 and having left year 11 I know it depends on the child etc but I just wouldn't. If anything happens it's a young age to have to be responsible enough to be in the house alone to sort it out