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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage boy and barely dressed teenage girls (as friends)

41 replies

takingturns · 05/08/2018 12:40

I have a typical 13 year old boy and we have a good communicative relationship. I want him to grow up respecting women and not see them just as objects. Sometimes this is really difficult - with for eg social media's obsession with appearance, online porn etc
As he goes to an all-boys school I've been keeping in touch with family friends with teenage girls the same age so that he has the chance of developing female friendships. But, I'm not sure I can carry on doing this at the moment - every time I've seen them recently (4 girls from different families all about 13-15 years) they are experimenting with their clothes, make up etc which is obviously a necessary part of growing up and they have an absolute right to do so. But for all of them it seems to mean the same thing - long false nails, heavy make up, shorts with half their bum falling out, crop tops, and bra tops with nothing else on top (boobs fully on display). The mums always apologise about it - all the adults seem to feel v uncomfortable and embarrassed about it but say nothing.
I'm not sure we want to go back to parents yelling 'you can't go out like that' and of course females should be allowed to wear what they want.
But for my son and his friends - it's all a bit confusing. On the one hand they are being told to treat young women as their equals and on the other hand their female friends are all obsessing about their appearances and buying into this very over-sexualised view of what women should look like.
I think I'm going to give them all a wide berth for a while until this phase has passed.
How have others dealt with it?

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 05/08/2018 12:54

So you want him to form relationships with Amish women only?

BestZebbie · 05/08/2018 12:57

But being equal isn't the same as being just like a teenage boy - that bit of treating girls and boys alike is easy, the hard part of actually understanding that you have to treat women like people is when they differ from 'people= exactly like I am'. He needs to practice treating women like people even when they are sexually appealing!

TooTrueToBeGood · 05/08/2018 13:02

Teach your son to understand that whilst some women/girls may have chosen to dress in a way that he might find sexually provocative, he shouldn't assume they did so to sexually provoke him. Or raise him to believe, as you seem to, that he can't control his thoughts/urges in the presence of an attractive female and it's so not his fault.

twosunbathingdogs · 05/08/2018 13:05

Good post zebbie

WiseDad · 05/08/2018 13:07

Teach your son to understand that whilst some women/girls may have chosen to dress in a way that he might find sexually provocative, he shouldn't assume they did so to sexually provoke him

Yes. Right. Really. They just happen to dress like that as teenage girls are completely unaware of the impact they have on teenage boys, in a hypersexualised culture. Yes. Totally agree.

JumblieGirl · 05/08/2018 13:10

Teach him to talk to females in the same way he’d talk to his male friends. So look at their faces rather than boobs and arses, and keep his hands to himself. Check he understands what active consent is. If he does end up in a misunderstanding, talk him through what happened and make sure he doesn’t do the angry/blame thing.

TooTrueToBeGood · 05/08/2018 13:17

Yes. Right. Really. They just happen to dress like that as teenage girls are completely unaware of the impact they have on teenage boys, in a hypersexualised culture. Yes. Totally agree

We can't control how the rest of the population dress. We can control our own responses. Was that point so hard to understand? Love your alternative solution though. Oh wait you didn't offer one did you.

JumblieGirl · 05/08/2018 13:40

There are thousands of teenaged boys that manage their behaviour and language responsibly. Just as many men do. Not complicated to understand.

Original poster
takingturns · 05/08/2018 13:45

The Amish solution could be the way forward... ; )
I suppose my point was - the adults in the situation are all feeling v awkward and unable to deal with things (one mum did screech at her daughter 'put a t-shirt on, you look like a prostitute) but yet we expect our teenage boys to negotiate it. How would you feel about going down the pub or having a meeting at work with a colleague basically dressed in their underwear? No problems at all? Really? Yet - we're expecting the boys not to feel any embarrassment/confusion - and these are the emotions I'm talking about - TooGoodToBeTrue - not him being unable to control his thoughts/urges in the presence of a female wearing next to nothing ('attractive' was your add-on) - the thought that I am bringing up my son as a single mother (who tells people off for being sexist) made me fall off my chair laughing...

OP posts:
upsideup · 05/08/2018 13:52

Does your son actually care? Does he not like them?
If he does care then he can stop hanging out with them but its nothing to do with you what his friends wear.

Original poster
takingturns · 05/08/2018 13:52

Meant to say:

  • that thought, (I'm bringing up my son as a single mother and he tells people off for being sexist) made me fall off my chair laughing...
OP posts:
VickieCherry · 05/08/2018 13:57

What the girls are wearing should have absolutely no bearing on how he treats them or acts around them. That's what he needs to learn and understand.

They're wearing what's fashionable for girls their age - of course they want to look sexual, their hormones are going crazy and they're just discovering their own sexuality! You can't 'protect' your son from that, it's much better he knows them as friends rather than some alien species he can't communicate with because he can see a bit of flesh.

Lightshines · 05/08/2018 13:58

Your son attends an all-boys school and your plan is to limit his contact with girls of his own agree age even further, because they wear sexy clothes.
Sorry OP, but I don't see what kind of message/life lesson that gives your son?

RibbonsofMarvelandSound · 05/08/2018 13:59

The solution is to teach him to how to deal with feeling awkward around girls dressed that way, not to make girls dress to make him comfortable

Original poster
takingturns · 05/08/2018 14:04

All fair points - thanks for all the feedback

OP posts:
WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 05/08/2018 14:07

It's not hard. Just pretend he's at the beach or pool, or even the athletics track. How would you expect him to behave around girls in swimwear or short tight sportswear? Then that's how he behaves on the street. Not hard.

lapenguin · 05/08/2018 14:07

All for girls dressing how they want, but shouldn't their parents be teaching them that dressing with boobs and bums out isn't a good look... Though that may not be the general consensus here

Truckingonandon · 05/08/2018 14:11

So heartening to read such considered responses here. If only real life were like this, as every parent I know still expects girls to modify themselves in some way, rather than the boys. Don't be one of them OP - do your bit and focus on your son and how he deals with this, rather than 'blaming' those teasing, taunting, provocative girls.

Truckingonandon · 05/08/2018 14:15

Lap - would you rather they all dress more modestly? Like how? Trousers? Shorts to the knee only? Tops that cover the neck? What if it's a top that's cut low at the back? Or are backs ok? Where do you draw the line? Is your line the right line though, wherever you draw it?

Aragog · 05/08/2018 14:20

You can't compare it to an adults work meeting - totally different situations.

Teenage girls have always experimented with clothing, hair and make up. Always will.

Your Ds will come across girls and women in all kinds of attire, including bikinis and tiny sports wear, depending where he is at the time. Regardless of what that girl is wearing he should treat them the same. Yes, he may sometimes be attracted to them but he needs to learn to control his own reactions in that sense. Just like the girls have to do the same when they see an attractive male. (Or same sex etc)

Remind him that whatever the girl is wearing he needs to talk to their face and not their body.

freshstart24 · 05/08/2018 14:22

Whatamisupposedtobedoing has hit the nail on the head- it's possible to go on holiday and spend a great deal of time around women in swimwear.

I've just returned from France, beautiful young girls were relaxing around the pool in bikinis. Are they supposed to cover their bodies so no men or boys see their figures? Of course not.

Equally boys and men were sunbathing with their torsos and legs fully on show. Should those of them with particularly attractive bodies cover up?

The message we should be teaching our boys (and girls), is not to stare and that a woman's choice of clothing is just a choice, not a message or an invitation.

ASliceOfArcticRoll · 05/08/2018 14:26

Op I'm a middle aged woman and I'm fed up of it.

I'm not visiting my niece who is 20 again until it snows..

freshstart24 · 05/08/2018 14:28

Also OP in response you your thoughts about they own parents struggling to see the girls dressed in this way- I guess we all struggle to some degree with our DC growing up, experimenting etc..

I strongly believe girls and women should dress as they wish and that having your body in show should not be viewed as shameful or deliberately provocative- but I can understand when a parent of a young girl struggles with this, after all we are all human and outdated old fashioned views take time to stamp out.

marigoldsmarigolds · 05/08/2018 14:53

I suppose my point was - the adults in the situation are all feeling v awkward and unable to deal with things (one mum did screech at her daughter 'put a t-shirt on, you look like a prostitute

That's your point??? That you expose your son to adult views like that is more concerning than teenage girls wearing what they want to wear. What awful people you hang out with. Change the adults not the kids.

twattymctwatterson · 05/08/2018 15:00

Op your main premise seems to be that it's difficult for you to communicate a message to your son that girls (females really?!) are equal and deserving of respect because you feel that this is only true if they dress in a way you think is appropriate. What relevance has someone's clothes to how we treat them?