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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18th Birthday...she doesn't want one

40 replies

Vasilisa19 · 02/08/2018 07:36

My daughter was 18 last week and she told us she did not want a party (we also gave her other options such as a nice with friends, cinema, friends over here etc). She said she just wasn't bothered.

She has only a handful of friends, but they are very good friends so I don't think its that. Socially she is fine and has happy gone to other parties when invited. She is a little introverted but confident and generally happy with life. She is not life and soul of the party but she is not shy and retiring either. So we just accepted it and gave her a special dinner and extra money to spend.

Here's the problem. My husband's family are horrified that she didn't have a party and are trying to make out it is hugely abnormal akin to child neglect (exaggerating a little but you get the drift). My BIL has told me their son will be getting a big band, hiring a hotel, his whole year will be attending, stretch limos etc. I'm not in the least competitive but it has made me feel so guilty and inadequate - that maybe I should have pushed her a little into celebrating her 18th birthday!!

Anyone else have a teenager not interested in parties?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vasilisa19 · 02/08/2018 07:36

*nice meal (correction)

OP posts:
parrotonmyshoulder · 02/08/2018 07:38

I would have hated the kind of fuss that your BIL is planning! Lots of people don’t like parties - how awful to force one on them. You sound like you know your DD well and respect her choices.

Groovee · 02/08/2018 07:38

My dd was 18 in January. Was happy to have a meal out with us and the Grandparents then met up with her friends of age at the weekend to go clubbing!

Her aunt and uncle were horrified and made no attempt to see her. Just chucked a card through the door while we were out.

StereophonicallyChallenged · 02/08/2018 07:40

I have dd, 18 this month. She is going on a mini-break with her bf, and will will go out for tea the night before. Low-key, a handful of us, just as she's requested and I see no problem at all Smile

BalloonDinosaur · 02/08/2018 07:41

I felt the same as your DD when I was 18. Loads of my friends had big parties in the same vein as your BIL has suggested and as much as I enjoyed going to theirs, the idea of doing it myself filled me with dread.

It was her birthday and you did what she wanted to do, simple!

Babdoc · 02/08/2018 07:41

Don’t get drawn into competitive parenting. You did what your DD wanted - why on earth would you have forced her into a party she’d have hated, just to placate other relatives? I suspect the ILs are just flaunting their expenditure.

raisedbyguineapigs · 02/08/2018 07:42

I was the same as your DD. I never had big parties. I can't say I ever regretted it. She wants what she wants. If you bil wants to show off and throw money around, let him.

annandale · 02/08/2018 07:43

I had a lovely low key 18th which was perfect for me. Don't doubt yourself or your child.

My 21st was a riot, I have to say Wink but not necessarily better. Happy memories of both.

Loopytiles · 02/08/2018 07:44

The gifts/plans sound great. You mention that DD is an introvert, many of us are and would not enjoy a big do. For my 18th I just went to the usual pub with my usual friends and bf and my DM made a nice meal one evening at home with the immediate family.

The in laws should keep their unpleasant opinions to themselves, and you shouldn’t question yourself due to those opinions!

Yogagirl123 · 02/08/2018 07:44

My DS1 has never liked parties, often gets invited to others 18th party’s and never goes! So, I am pretty sure he won’t want an 18th party himself!

He has some lovely friends, doing well at college, playing his sport etc.

Your DD sounds happy so I wouldn’t worry that she decided against a party. Her choice.

WooYa · 02/08/2018 07:46

I didn't have a party fro my 18th or 21st... some people thought I was a big crazy but I just didn't want to... preferred to go to with my small group of friends and relax

Kool4katz · 02/08/2018 07:47

Your BIL sounds a right knob. Did he throw a party when his DS first walked, potty trained, started wanking?
OTOH, your DD sounds sensible and knows her own mind. She might fancy a bigger celebration at 21 but it's her choice and you are right to respect that.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 02/08/2018 07:48

Dd would hate a party with a passion....didn't want to attend end of high school prom either.

So I gave her a choice of things to do. She's a history fan and instead of a party she and I are having a trip to sight see Athens for her 18th instead.

Gottokondo · 02/08/2018 07:49

Above the age of 12 I didn't like parties. It just feels awkward to me. People feel that they have to come vs. Deciding without reason that they want to visit me.
You can't really talk in depth to someone because other people are present. You don't really speak to people because you have to speak to everybody so you have little time per person. Getting presents puts me in the spot as well, I say that I love them, thank them for it and then spend weeks worrying what will happen if they find out that I put the god awful vase in attic.

I'm with your daughter on this one.

MaitlandGirl · 02/08/2018 07:49

My youngest is coming up 18 and she wants some friends over and to have a BBQ and camp out in the garden. DD1 had a family BBQ and DS just wanted to go out for a meal to the local pub.

I figure so long as your daughter is happy (and you can afford it) it really doesn’t matter how she celebrates her birthday.

Hope she has a great birthday and that your BIL doesn’t upset her with his carry on.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/08/2018 07:50

I didn't do much for my 18th, I only had boring friends who didn't meet up much outside of college and it was just too much hassle.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/08/2018 07:52

Each to their own, sounds like your DD celebrated the way she wanted to which is great. BIL sounds over the top!

My two are 18 in a few months, one will want a party and the other would rather something much more low key.

Original poster
Vasilisa19 · 02/08/2018 08:00

Thank you

I think I was bothered more that they were making out there must be something wrong with her. Like its a crime to be an introvert.

She didn't want to go to prom either and they were also horrified by that - like she missed out on a significant occasion. (She did like the cash alternative though Grin)

OP posts:
Yogagirl123 · 02/08/2018 08:03

My DS wasn’t interested in the prom either OP! I really wouldn’t worry about it, sounds like your in-laws are putting doubt in your mind, that doesn’t need to be there. Flowers

keyboardjellyfish · 02/08/2018 08:07

I was the same when I turned 18. Didn't want the fuss! It's totally okay.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/08/2018 08:08

DD didn't have a party. She went to Paris with her boyfriend instead, and spent her birthday at DLP. This is exactly what she wanted to do.

HRTpatch · 02/08/2018 08:09

Your dd sounds great!!

Bezm · 02/08/2018 08:13

Your BIL is just a great big show off... look how much money we have...
My DD didn't have and 18th or 21st because she didn't want to. Just close family round for a meal and a night out with her close friends. She sounds just like your DD. Delightful and not impressed by spending loads of money on ridiculous things like stretch limos 😱😱😱

Ionlylookatthepictures · 02/08/2018 08:14

When I was that age I don’t think anyone had big parties to celebrate their eighteenth. I remember that I went clubbing with my mates and got better presents than usual (still not wild amounts - £100 and a shopping trip for new clothes with my mum iirc). My closest three friends clubbed together and bought me a bottle of perfume.

Your dd sounds perfectly sound and normal to me op!

Ionlylookatthepictures · 02/08/2018 08:19

Also imagine if all kids in the year had a great big party like that?! They’d all have to go out pretty much every night! I think perhaps your bil feels slightly stupid for making such a fuss, and is slightly pissed off that his demanding son has pressured him into it “but everyone has a big 18th, dad” 🙄) and is trying to make you do it too to justify it all!