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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

18th Birthday...she doesn't want one

40 replies

Vasilisa19 · 02/08/2018 07:36

My daughter was 18 last week and she told us she did not want a party (we also gave her other options such as a nice with friends, cinema, friends over here etc). She said she just wasn't bothered.

She has only a handful of friends, but they are very good friends so I don't think its that. Socially she is fine and has happy gone to other parties when invited. She is a little introverted but confident and generally happy with life. She is not life and soul of the party but she is not shy and retiring either. So we just accepted it and gave her a special dinner and extra money to spend.

Here's the problem. My husband's family are horrified that she didn't have a party and are trying to make out it is hugely abnormal akin to child neglect (exaggerating a little but you get the drift). My BIL has told me their son will be getting a big band, hiring a hotel, his whole year will be attending, stretch limos etc. I'm not in the least competitive but it has made me feel so guilty and inadequate - that maybe I should have pushed her a little into celebrating her 18th birthday!!

Anyone else have a teenager not interested in parties?

OP posts:

annandale · 02/08/2018 08:19

In a couple of months your bil will be moaning about how much it all cost. Let it all wash over you. Or perhaps offer them a nice meal if they are feeling skint.

Clankboing · 02/08/2018 08:25

You've done the right thing and listened to your daughter.

swingofthings · 02/08/2018 08:26

DD did t want a party either and thats with her birthday falling on NYE! Until a couple of days before she didn't know where she'd be! In the end she went to a small party and was back judt after midnight.

She's a very popular girl many friends just hated being the centre of attention. I pestered her for quite so.e time a out looking back memories and all but she wouldn't have any of it. She was happy with time with her family and low down get together in the evening.

Not all kids like parties.

Original poster

Vasilisa19 · 02/08/2018 08:27

Thanks

Just to be clear - she literally didn't want to do ANYTHING. We made her a special meal and we watched a film and shared a bottle of prosecco. We asked her to invite friends but she really wasn't bothered.

I think it was a combination of laziness and self-consciousness. Its no big deal to her, more mum guilt for me!

OP posts:

PiggyPlumPie · 02/08/2018 08:35

DS turned 18 on Monday and didn't want to do anything either. He couldn't think of anything he wanted so we gave him cash.

Offered all sorts, think he's going to organise a bowling trip with his pals that we said we would contribute to.

Everyone is different, as long as our DC are happy everyone else can butt out!

CherryPavlova · 02/08/2018 08:40

Our youngest didn’t want an 18th. She is now excited to be planning her 21st for next year. It’s not a huge deal and far easier to have a 21 st where there are no concerns re underage drinking at the venue. Lots of places won’t even accept 18th birthday party bookings.

TamiTayorismyparentingguru · 02/08/2018 08:59

I was the same as your DD - didn’t want to do anything for my 18th or my 21st, and now (approaching 40), I am most happy when no-one bar DH & DC even mention my birthday.

I am more than happy to go and celebrate with other people on their significant days but I hate celebrating me and hate being the centre of attention.

I’ve never felt like I’m missing out.

butlerswharf · 02/08/2018 09:23

Me! Just hate parties and I promise I'm normal and didn't later feel upset about it.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 02/08/2018 11:06

How nice that you've not pushed her into doing something she didn't want.

I don't think I can remember my 18th. My 21st, however, I think I ended up at my mother's and she insisted on my having a party, but, of course, my friends were away at university so it was al her friends who came. Don't get me wrong, they were people who I'd known all my life so they were my friends too, but most of them would have been over 60, so not the most exciting party for a 21 year old. But there was no way I was 'allowed' not to have one.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/08/2018 11:11

God why can't people keep their opinions to themselves? Your lovely DD made up her mind after her lovely mum suggested some different options, everyone had a lovely time and that's that. You wouldn't even be second-guessing yourself unless your IL's had put their beak in and made a fuss. You both sound great, they sound like noisy nosy bullies!

Ragwort · 02/08/2018 11:13

I had a huge celebration for my 18th (42 years ago - a nice meal out with my parents & siblings on the Friday, a party for my friends on the Saturday and then a family party for all the relatives on the Sunday it was a wonderful weekend and the summer of '76 so great weather too - happy memories.

However I haven't heard of any 18th celebrations for many years, none of my neices and nephews had parties - my own DS (we are 'old' parents ) will be 18 this year and I doubt he will want to do anything special.

The important thing is to do what your own child wants to do - not what you think they ought to do.

ApolloandDaphne · 02/08/2018 18:53

My DD2 didn't have an 18th party and isn't fussed about a 21st either. Her birthday is just before Christmas and there is never anyone around. I have no issue with it at all.

WaverleyOwl · 02/08/2018 19:01

I have actively avoided celebrations all my life. I don't want them and I don't care. I just don't celebrate arbitrary events, like birthdays or new years. I've also been called abnormal, which hurts. I just really don't care about celebrating arbitrary dates in the calendar. It makes no sense.

For info, I may also be autistic (diagnosis pending) so there is that.

Just let her be her, and don't guilt her. If she's cool with keeping things quiet, leave her be. I would have hated it if it had been pushed on me.

BackforGood · 02/08/2018 19:08

I've had 2 of my dc turn 18 over the last 4 years.
ds - refused to have / do anything. He is a 'life and soul of the party' type and quite happy to go to the odd party. However, none of his group of friends seemed to have any party or meal or any recognition that it was their 18ths, so from him, I'd say your dd was very normal. ds went to both his proms, and loved them
dd - chose not to go to either of her proms. Did, however, want a party, in a hall {DJ, bffet, etc} for her birthday - go figure ?!? Several times during the year, she went out for meals with friends who were turning 18. Generally each of them paying for themselves. Hers was the only party n a hall (understandable as most halls won't hire them out for 18ths - so your BiLs plans might not work out so easily).
However, too much information. What I should have said was your dd is in the majority IME, and of course it is up to her to not 'mark the occasion' if she doesn't want to.

SharpLily · 02/08/2018 19:09

Don't listen to your snotty BIL, you did the right thing, OP. I was very like your daughter and I really, really didn't want a fuss. My mother decided she knew better and threw a surprise 18th for me. I was horrified, the whole thing was a disaster and I still can't quite forgive her, 25 years later.

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