14yr old DS is struggling - how can I help?

[OnTopOfSpaghetti]

Firstly this may be long so apologies. I am really desperate for some advice about my 14 yr old DS and would love to hear from anyone who has been through/is going through similar.
We have just had a huge heart to heart this evening as I have noticed that he has been struggling with certain things, I guess it has become more apparent as we are around each other all the time now that it is the school holidays. I'll try and describe his behaviour a bit but its hard to know how to put it into words. Some of this will probably sound quite odd...
He really cannot cope with messy eating eg when his younger brother eats things like baked beans, or has food round his mouth. He can't abide sticky fingers. He eats quickly and usually makes an excuse to leave the table eg he needs the toilet.
He can't cope with people singing. I like to sing a lot and his brother will often spontaneously break into song, this results in DS becoming very agitated and asking us to stop. He will put his fingers in his ears if we continue, I'll admit to becoming cross with him about this, although now I'm wondering if it is a sensory overload thing?
He can't cope with not knowing exact plans. We are off on a camping trip in our campervan next week, we're going somewhere new and and haven't booked a campsite - to myself and DH this is all part of the adventure but DS has said that he really doesn't like not knowing where we'll end up or what activities we'll be doing.
He likes to line up certain things in his room like his tv remotes, he has said he can't go to sleep until he's done this. Same with putting his phone on charge each evening. He's worried about not being able to do this when we're camping.
I am pleased he felt able to open up to me as I knew he wasn't happy. Although he did keep saying 'I don't like talking about this'. I just don't know how to help him or where to turn. I'm fully aware that the NHS is overwhelmed with far worse cases of mental health issues among teenagers and that DS's problems probably wouldn't even qualify for help, I am just worried about him and wish I knew what to do for the best.
He was a very anxious toddler and had a setback with his anxiety in Year 5 but has been on a reasonably even keel until the last year or so. He's much better when he's in a routine at school.
I am also worried about the impact on younger DS, he's only 9 and it makes me sad when he is asked to stop singing. I don't want him to feel bad about having a bit of ketchup round his mouth or having sticky fingers, that's just normal for kids his age.
That was long and thank you for reading if you got this far. I just wanted to get it all down. Any thoughts or advice very much appreciated.

Oh I forgot to add -he is very intelligent, doesn't have to try very hard at school and is predicted excellent grades. He is on the whole a polite, kind and caring lad. Just these issues that can make him come across as difficult

This sounds similar to my primary age DS (especially the sticking fingers in ears when singing) so I'm watching and hoping someone will come along with some advice.

Thanks for your reply @donedonedonedone I hope we can find some answers.

My first thought was to wonder whether he’s got autism. You mentioned sensory overload which can be a sign, plus the need for routines, knowing plans, etc. The organising of stuff could be that too, or OCD. He’s obviously anxious but that could be linked to other conditions. I’d take him to the doctors ASAP as the sooner you find out and get support, the better. It’s great that he’s opened up, bless him. Have a look into autism and see if he has any other traits too.

There are definitely some symptoms/traits of autism in there. A diagnosis may be helpful but even if you/he don't want to go down that route there's nothing to stop you reading up on ASD and the type of techniques that may help. My own DS was diagnosed very young but there was still an 18 month process and no-one actually ever said to me 'just read up on it and try the techniques and suggested strategies' so I always like to pass that on!

It's very typical for the holidays to be harder than the school terms for autistic young people, just so you know.

Thank you both so much for your replies. High functioning autism has crossed my mind, or possibly Aspergers, but to be honest I feel in the dark about it and am just guessing. I feel so guilty that he has been coping with this all these years and its only now that I have realised the extent of his feelings. I always knew he struggled with certain things but I guess because he does so well at school, has a good circle of friends etc I didn't make the connection. Also it has definitely been worse recently.
Would the GP even be able to help though? My impression is that many parents with children who have much more severe issues struggle to get a diagnosis. I wonder if we would be taken seriously.

My DD sounds similar and I have wondered about autism. She is extremely bright but finds life quite difficult. She has Misophonia and has not eaten with us as a family for over a year as it just makes her shout and/ or cry. No one is allowed to sing, she shouts if we breathe heavily,sniff,bite nails. Doors rattling in the wind make her cry. She is also very literal about things people say and if she says something amusing, will think people are laughing at her rather than the story. Been to GP twice but not really heard of Misophonia and one kept asking her if she was hearing voices etc. SENCO also not really helped much other than allowing her to move seats in class away from heavy breathers. It is very hard to parent. I know the anger in her is irrational and uncontrollable but it is horrible being told to shut up every time you do anything. Not sure what to suggest really but try school and if not helpful we are at point of considering a private assessment.

It is true that CAMHS services are very underfunded, but that is no reason not to use them. It's best to get help as early as possible. Good luck.

I think reading up on ASD would be useful, for both of you. Could you discuss with him whether you go for diagnosis?

The fact that his brother can’t sing when he’s around doesn’t really matter. He can sing the rest of the time and it’s important for him to learn how to get along.

As for the holiday, I’d book a campsite. My DH and DD can be a bit like this. They are only relaxed and happy if they know the exact plans. I’d happily take off anywhere but I’m aware that’s not an option anymore. Maybe save your spontaneous trips for when he’s a bit older and no longer wants to come on holiday

  for you and your DD @vdbfamily that does sound difficult. I think you probably need to keep pushing for support, it must make life very hard.
@MeanTangerine thank you, I think we'll start with a GP appointment and see where it gets us.

@JiltedJohnsJulie thank you, I think I have realised that I need to be a bit more accommodating and let him know our plans clearly. I am going to have a heart to heart with DH (he's working away at the mo) because DH is a very practical and common sense, no nonsense type of person and I know he will find it hard to be empathetic. Having said that he loves DS enormously and makes a big effort to do lots of activities etc with him.
Regarding the campsite, the one we really want to go to doesn't take bookings, so the plan is to go there first then go elsewhere if we can't get in. Maybe we should rethink.

Sensory processing disorder.

Have a read of the challenging child by Stanley Greenspan - it’s useful with or without a dx. www.amazon.co.uk/Challenging-Child-Understanding-Enjoying-Difficult/dp/0201441934?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Yep he might meet the criteria for an autism dx but you may or may not want to go down that route. How well is he coping at school?

My youngest (similar age to your son) almost certainly has a sensory processing disorder btw - I am weighing up whether to get it dx’d (he is at a slightly bonkers School and very happy there, so anxiety much reduced, we’d have to go private as people capable of dx’ing SPD are rare as hens teeth & not in the NHS in our area, not sure it would lead to anything more help wise, as we already know what the issue is).

@vdbfamily there's supposed to be in my post for you, they disappeared!

@Devilishpyjamas that link looks interesting I will take a look. He is doing really well at school, very bright, his teachers don't have a bad word to say about him, good friendship group etc. This is why I think I have not considered autism/aspergers because he copes well socially and academically.

Mine is like this too, he has Asperger's, diagnosed at primary school. We rarely do things on the spur of the moment (he's also a teen but this trait has been apparent since he was a toddler so we're totally used to planning now). However it is frustrating, we do all have to compromise a bit on this, he has got a bit more tolerant over the years but its just how we live. Chatting about stuff that interests him to distract helps too if we are trying to avoid being pinned down to specific times for the rest of the day. Noise cancelling headphones and own choice of music to deal with sibling singing but there are times when she is told to stop as well to make it fair, it can genuinely send him into a meltdown and she has to understand that. We allow him to read at the table to distract from food issues and if he goes off "to the toilet" that's ok. We all eat our breakfast separately whenever we get up as that is his worst time for the smells of other people's food (he can't be in the room with a bowl of porridge). It just becomes normal in the end.

@WhoKnowsWereTheTimeG0es much of your post resonates. I feel so bad, I think I've been attempting to make him 'fit in' and be 'normal' but actually that's not helping any of us. I'm going to suggest some of your idea. Headphones are an excellent idea, I'll look into it. God why has it taken me so long to work this out?

I am so grateful to all of you, I am really finding this hard and appreciate everyone's advice.

If he’s fine except for these quirks I wouldn’t pursue a dx yet, although I would keep a watchful eye.

Do google sensory processing disorder though and have a read. It will give you tips.

I am pretty much 100% sure that Ds3 has a SPD. It can make him a bit autistic-like at times as it can make him quite rigid. However, I am also 100% sure he does not have an autistic spectrum disorder (this is the area I work in & have a severely autistic son) as he understands social rules/expectations, has friends, understands to base his behaviour on others, never had problems imitating etc etc.

I have a 15 year old son, he is very OCD about certain things too, handwashing being one of them, raw meat, household cleaning chemicals such as bleach etc.

I always reassure him that the items haven’t come into contact with his food etc. It seems the contamination risk worries him. He has always been quite obsessive about his interests generally, we saw GP when he seemed a little depressed, referred to him to CAMHS for counselling, as GP thought my illness may have been stressing him out. I have MS was dx when my son was 9.

CAMHS never saw my son, said they were too busy and as he wasn’t suicidal they didn’t want to know. We paid for private counselling in the end.

He does seem to be a little calmer, but I now know the triggers, so example if I had brought some cakes from the supermarket he would examine the wrapper and if the wrapper had a slight tear etc he would throw them away, so now when I put the shopping away I say, DS when I brought these I checked the wrapper it was fine, so if it’s open at all it’s happened in the car coming home or if I have dropped them etc and I drop things a lot so that would’nt surprise him!

My son is dyslexic too btw not sure if there is any connection there at all.

Good luck OP, see your GP and take it from there, but don’t expect too much.

Should say ‘has no problem with friendships’, rather than ‘has friends’ - sorry, that was sloppy.

Not sure any of this will help you, but I have seen it work in similar situations.
Put classical music on if you're eating as a family, quiet enough you can still talk but it covers the eating sounds (which he may be fixated on)
Send him outside if you have a garden when he starts complaining about the singing or noise and get him to focus on the trees (it can act as a "brain reset"), it's important to teach him tactics to cope with irritating noise particularly as he's getting older
Get him to plan your trip, that way he has some control and can save you a job!
Portable charger type thing for when you go away, as if it's something he does all the time he will be really worried about that, again get him to research the best one. He may discover a solar one is goid and then he might be able to reconcile for himself charging in the day instead.
Hope that gives you some ideas! Good luck!

Yes, I’d say it sounds very HFA also (same thing as Asperger - I don’t think you get an Asperger diagnosis in the UK anymore, esp since the name has been brought into disrepute by Hans Asperger). I’d always seek a diagnosis. I have two ASD dds and two NT dds. Anxiety may increase as you head through the school years, and I think it’s better to be prepared.

@Devilishpyjamas that sounds similar re having no issues socially, he is fine with eye contact, conversation, goes to the cinema on the bus with friends etc. That's why I haven't thought autism before now. When he was little he had real issues around food and smells, he had a small amount of 'safe' foods he would eat and couldn't stand the thought of other foods around him or the smell of some foods. He's grown out of this now and happily tucks into curries etc.
Thanks again for your thoughts, I am going to do some research on Sensory Processing Disorder and see if he ticks some of the boxes.
@Yogagirl123 that sound hard for you and your DS I wondered that about CAMHS, as I said I am aware that they are overwhelmed with much more serious problems and may well just not have resources to help us.
@brokenteacup brilliant suggestions thank you so much. The solar charger is a great idea, I'll get him to research, he'll like that

Thank you @imip

Check out misophonia.

DS (now 18) has self diagnosed this. He always hated the sound of sucking salt off fingers when we were eating fish and chips, any slurping noises etc and now sniffing and noisy breathing. He described it as a 'rage' surging through him so he'd have to subtly get away.

He's read up on it and seems to be able to manage it now (except for my sniffing, but I'm his mum!).

It may not apply to your son but worth a look.