14yr old DS is struggling - how can I help?

[OnTopOfSpaghetti]

Firstly this may be long so apologies. I am really desperate for some advice about my 14 yr old DS and would love to hear from anyone who has been through/is going through similar.
We have just had a huge heart to heart this evening as I have noticed that he has been struggling with certain things, I guess it has become more apparent as we are around each other all the time now that it is the school holidays. I'll try and describe his behaviour a bit but its hard to know how to put it into words. Some of this will probably sound quite odd...
He really cannot cope with messy eating eg when his younger brother eats things like baked beans, or has food round his mouth. He can't abide sticky fingers. He eats quickly and usually makes an excuse to leave the table eg he needs the toilet.
He can't cope with people singing. I like to sing a lot and his brother will often spontaneously break into song, this results in DS becoming very agitated and asking us to stop. He will put his fingers in his ears if we continue, I'll admit to becoming cross with him about this, although now I'm wondering if it is a sensory overload thing?
He can't cope with not knowing exact plans. We are off on a camping trip in our campervan next week, we're going somewhere new and and haven't booked a campsite - to myself and DH this is all part of the adventure but DS has said that he really doesn't like not knowing where we'll end up or what activities we'll be doing.
He likes to line up certain things in his room like his tv remotes, he has said he can't go to sleep until he's done this. Same with putting his phone on charge each evening. He's worried about not being able to do this when we're camping.
I am pleased he felt able to open up to me as I knew he wasn't happy. Although he did keep saying 'I don't like talking about this'. I just don't know how to help him or where to turn. I'm fully aware that the NHS is overwhelmed with far worse cases of mental health issues among teenagers and that DS's problems probably wouldn't even qualify for help, I am just worried about him and wish I knew what to do for the best.
He was a very anxious toddler and had a setback with his anxiety in Year 5 but has been on a reasonably even keel until the last year or so. He's much better when he's in a routine at school.
I am also worried about the impact on younger DS, he's only 9 and it makes me sad when he is asked to stop singing. I don't want him to feel bad about having a bit of ketchup round his mouth or having sticky fingers, that's just normal for kids his age.
That was long and thank you for reading if you got this far. I just wanted to get it all down. Any thoughts or advice very much appreciated.

Interesting @whiteroseredrose I think that applies, but is only one part of his issues if that makes sense?

Hi ontopof - I could have written your post! Have always thought my 15 yr old DS is on the spectrum and even without a diagnosis there’s loads you can do to help-I work with students with special needs so had no real doubts but he manages well most of the time with some blips! Being aware of triggers helps and helps other family members understand and be more tolerant - think of it in terms of different fears which you help him approach and deal with - the eating thing is improving gradually but there are now different triggers! Don’t panic, look at each situation as it arises and read all you can on ASD x

Thank you @captainoftheshipwreck That's really useful to think of it as different fears, I do struggle to understand how he's feeling and am going to make a huge effort to be more accommodating. I hate the thought of him feeling this way. Thanks for your post.

My teens have each gone through a few years when they were more intolerant, controlling, irritable. When your body is changing by the week and hormones are all over the place the need to know what's going on and when is more important, to have fixed plans when your internal world is changing so much, to be irrationally irritated by the behaviour of those around you...all this sounds very like how my teens behaved. Perhaps your DS does have Asperger traits but I think they will be exacerbated by the fact that he's 14.

@tenredthings that is extremely reassuring thank you! I have definitely been thinking about his teenage hormones playing a part. He's done a huge amount of growing physically in the last few months, he's shot up and is taller than both me and DH!
I've had a really good think about everything that's been posted. I'm going to have a chat with DS and come up with some ideas to help him develop coping mechanisms. Going to ask him if he wants to see GP at this point (I have a feeling he'll say no) Then closely monitor how he's coping with more understanding from us and strategies in place. And take it from there.
Need to put all of this to Dh when he comes home too.
Feel better for working this through with everyone's help

My DS has Aspergers and is similar. He can not tolerate my DD (10) making any sort of noise when eating. He also gets very annoyed when she sings (he is 13 though so could just be his age!). He also likes to know what our plans are and feels much happier if he knows what is happening. He is also very bright, is sociable & has good eye contact. He has some sensory issues around clothes & certain smells etc. He also likes to have the same routine before bedtime etc. Sounds like he may have some traits but I agree it could be just teenage years. With our DS it was obvious from a young age.

@Turquoisesea can I ask if you have had a formal diagnosis for your DS and how hard it was to get? It does sound very similar!

Diagnoses aren't just about what services are available and how they can help; it's about how the person involved comes to know and understand themselves. It's about a sense of identity and realising there's a reason why the world and them aren't a perfect 'fit'. If you do a search on here you'll find lots of threads from people who were diagnosed in adult life and it feels like a lightbulb moment - suddenly they understand their place in the world better.

You don't have to disclose a diagnosis, he may not ever need to tell anyone about it, but having it can be extremely important for him, his family and any future partner. Just something to think about. Life isn't going to get less complex for him...

Could have some autistic traits. How is he socially?
My DS has had anxiety issues and is same age as your ds but although has seen camhs they never mentioned autism even though he’s def got traits. It was obvious from a young age - but nowhere near enough to even think about a diagnosis.
He has got more tolerant of smells and sensory stuff as he’s got older but still hates being near certain foods never mind eating them!
Camhs have always been great for us but we must be in a ‘good’ area. No harm in going to gp, camhs def helped all of us manage ds’s Anxiety.

We do have a diagnosis but we went privately. We were referred to CAMHS initially & waited 18 months for an initial appointment only to be told they thought DS had anxiety & suggested to go on a waiting list for a young persons group session. In my experience because DS is articulate, can make eye contact & wasn’t really having any issues at school they didn’t really see the problem. We went for a private diagnosis as felt they really listened to all our concerns & reasons on why we thought he was on the spectrum. DS also started saying he felt different & didn’t think he was like other children. As he got older his ‘quirks’ for want of a better word became more noticeable compared to his peers. DS was diagnosed in yr 5 of primary school. We haven’t had any support really since but it did mean that the SENCO at secondary school is aware and if he needs any support, particularly at school, it is there if he needs it. None of his school friends know (his choice) but I feel it’s helped us to understand him better & for him to understand himself better.

Thank you all @Turquoisesea totally understand why you went down that route, 18 months is such a long time to wait when you're all struggling with it. As I said before, DS is socially confident, has friends, makes eye contact and doing very well at school. I just don't want his issues to escalate without knowing how to help him.
@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Yes that makes an awful lot of sense. Helping him and us to understand his condition and develop ways to cope. Thank you.
We've had a good chat this morning about ways we can support him, he seems quite positive. Managed to message my DH and he immediately said he'd talk through the holiday plane with DS and look at maps etc so he feels excited about the holiday and in control rather than in free fall. He got it straight away which has helped me a great deal.

Oops holiday plan, not plane!

ontopof - with the singing, could you try talking to him when he's relaxed and seeing if he can cope with you singing very quietly for a short time - maybe say it's only for half a minute and a song he likes - perhaps when you're on your own and he's busy doing something else? He may cope if he has a warning of how long and what you are going to sing - I know it sounds mechanical but it's about letting him feel in control and not threatened. You could also say that you will stop whenever he asks (before he gets agitated). You may in time then be able to gradually extend it so that it becomes more spontaneous and less of an issue for him.

Diagnoses aren't just about what services are available and how they can help; it's about how the person involved comes to know and understand themselves. It's about a sense of identity and realising there's a reason why the world and them aren't a perfect 'fit'. If you do a search on here you'll find lots of threads from people who were diagnosed in adult life and it feels like a lightbulb moment - suddenly they understand their place in the world better.
This ^^ in such a big way! I was diagnosed as an adult and it would have made a HUGE difference if I'd been diagnosed sooner.

@captainoftheshipwreck that is a good idea. Unfortunately when he's agitated it takes literally a split second for him to switch to 'Can you just stop that singing I can't stand it!' So maybe a warning would be a good idea. (Kind of knocks the joy out of spontaneously bursting into song though! Hey ho.)
@Nikephorus very interesting to hear that from an adult perspective. If we get nowhere with the Gp route (which I am kind of expecting) we may consider the private route although I imagine it will cost us £££.