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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sneaking Girlfriend into house for sex

55 replies

Superg4 · 30/05/2007 19:07

Hi, My dh and I went away for a few days recently. My daughter has just told me that she discovered our son in bed with his girlfriend (she had climbed in thru bedroom window). As far as we know (which is not much as our son is non-communicative) they have been dating for about 4 months. He is not a child, he is 18, but we are deeply disappointed and hurt since he knows how we would feel about this breaking of trust. (He has been a problem teenager for many years, drugs, dropping out of school). How should we handle this situation? Our daughter told him that she wd not tell us, so we don't want him to know that she went behind his back to us. Our youngest son (we have 3 altogether) is 16 and also naturally interested in girls so we do not want to send the wrong message to him either.

OP posts:
hayes · 30/05/2007 19:09

sorry no advice but wanted to bump for you

PenelopePitstops · 30/05/2007 19:12

Firstly did you lay down the law about what he was and wasnt allowed to do while you were away?

Have you ever said the girlfriend shouldnt come over?

Also when dealing with this try not to drag up the past and list other bad things he has done as this will escalate.

To deal with the issue, depending on your views, talk to him, tell him its unacceptable and that you would prefer him not to, but if he is having sex make sure he us using protection. He is an adult, and while he isnt acting like one sadly there is not much you can do. Let him know you are dissapointed mroe than anything that he broke your trust, and try not to focus too much on the sex aspect. Most teenagers are having sex and at least he was doing it at home and not in public, or an unsafe place.

LoveMyGirls · 30/05/2007 19:12

hummmmmm fairly natural behaviour i would say and i would expect them to do it tbh unless they were under age. I would rather they were doing it safely (ie not in a bush and going to get arrested) and that they weren't doing it with me in the house.

What do you think you should do?

kittylette · 30/05/2007 19:23

would you rather them do it in a carpark?

Chandra · 30/05/2007 19:26

IS the girl underage? if not I'm afraid that I would leave it for now and explain the rules of the house before going away next time.

Chandra · 30/05/2007 19:28

Kittylete... the mum of one of my friends offered to pay the hotel to one of her sons just to avoid the embarrasment of police bringing him in after finding him and his GF having sex in a car park!

LaDiDaDi · 30/05/2007 19:28

I wouldn't be pleased about them having sex in my bed but apart from that I don't see the problem unless she is underage.

He is an adult having sex in his own home with a partner of his choice. What's the difference between his actions and yours when you have sex with your dh?

Chugnuts · 30/05/2007 19:29

Is the problem that:

a) He's having sex

b) He's having sex in your house

c)That he had tried to hide it

or all of the above?

Original poster
Superg4 · 30/05/2007 19:29

No, we didn't actually say that he cdn't have his girlfriend over (he has never mentioned having one) but the fact that she "sneaked in" and didn't come in thru the front door shows that he knew it was wrong and wd not be acceptable to us. My husband spoke to him the other week about using protection if and when he had a sexual relationship, as you say, it's the breaking of our trust (once again) that is so heartbreaking. His past behaviour has been so unbearable and has damaged everyone in the family. You are right about not dwelling on the past though. I think that if he had been alone in the house with the g/f it wd have been different (for one thing we wdn't have known!) but the fact that my other boys and daughter were in the house it sends out the wrong message.

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 30/05/2007 19:33

Why would it not be acceptable to you? Why does it send out the wrong message?

I can appreciate that your ds's behaviour may have caused you significant upset in the past but do think that you are possibly reflecting that old upset on this situation rather than dealing with the current issue on it's own?

Original poster
Superg4 · 30/05/2007 19:34

I don't know how old the girl is, he doesn't talk. He is very moody. We obviously will have to sit down with him and have a serious discussion. My thought is that if he is old enough to have a sexual relationship then he should be mature enough to have an adult conversation with us.

OP posts:
colditz · 30/05/2007 19:36

maybe your expectations of normal and acceptable behavior for a fully grown adult are too high?

What did you expect would happen?

NOT ON at all that he was doing it in your bed - he should have been doing it in his - but my gosh, he's having sex with a long term girlfriend, not sodomising chickens, what's to be disappointed about?

I am afraid there comes a point in everyones life when you aren't going to be told what to do by your mother any more - 18 is as good an age as any.

PenelopePitstops · 30/05/2007 19:37

jUst ask him to be more honest in future. Say you will treat him like an adult if he will act like one.
Eg say we know what you did, sneaking her in meant you obviously knew it was wrong. We dont mind you having people round to the house and would like to meet your friends nd girlfriends. Understand you have broken our trust and he will have to regain it by cting like a mature adult. Tell him when he can have mpeople round, until what time, and general house rules. How much freedom does he have otherwise?

Your youngest son is 16 so inevitably will become sexualy active soon. It sends out the wrong message with the sneaking around but make sure your house is always 'open'. In that friends are allowed round to meet you etc
Make sure you speak to your other children about this, telling them it is unacceptable.

Would you have let him have sex in the house if you knew he had a girlfriend?

colditz · 30/05/2007 19:38

not to put too fine a pojint on it, you are his mother. He doesn't want you and sex in the same conversation - I wouldn't talk about sex to my opposite gender parent either.

Desiderata · 30/05/2007 19:40

I guess it's difficult when you're the parent ... but the situation is not unusual. It's something I would have done at fifteen, let alone eighteen!

Sorry ... that doesn't help, but the very nature of teenage sex is that it's sneaky by definition. But is it a breaking of trust, exactly?

If he had asked you whether his girlfriend could come round for sex, would you have said yes?

Original poster
Superg4 · 30/05/2007 19:44

Of course this incident brings up reminders of all the past behaviour, maybe it's a good occasion to try and get closer to our son. Accusing him certainly won't help. With four teenagers it's still a strange feeling to realise that you son is now having a sexual relationship, but that's definitely my problem not his!!

The message I wdn't like to send out is that we approve of casual sex. It should be part of a loving and caring relationship - I hope that we have managed to convey this to our children.

OP posts:
colditz · 30/05/2007 19:44

Don't you remember 18? The romance, the lust, the feeling that you were being bloody smothered by seemingly pointless (and yes, sometimes actually pointless!) rules?

What precisely has he done that you told him not to do? His nightmarish phase seems to have coloured your judgement of his overall behavior, because believe me, 18 year olds have sex, they have it often, and they have it whenever they can get it. All of them. Short of neutering him, you aren't going to change an 18 year old man's nature.

Original poster
Superg4 · 30/05/2007 19:46

No, we wdn't have said yes, but I'm l00% sure he wdn't ask.

OP posts:
colditz · 30/05/2007 19:47

honestly you will just make him better at hiding it - he has reached a point where you have no say over his sex life exceot when you are both in the same room.

I know I have this all to come, i am closer to 18 than my son is, but I remember being 18, and all the rules do if you don't agree with them is make you avoid getting caught, and lie.

colditz · 30/05/2007 19:47

That's why he wouldn't ask.

would you ask permission to have sex?

themildmanneredjanitor · 30/05/2007 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NikkiBFG · 30/05/2007 19:49
themildmanneredjanitor · 30/05/2007 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PenelopePitstops · 30/05/2007 19:50

perhaps that is the point, he doesnt feel able to ask

I know its not the average kind of thing to ask but i remember asking my mum if my boyfriend could stay over and she said yes but he stays in the spare room. I respected her decision and he stayed in the spare room.

He is a teenager and teenagers are bound to have sex. The problems in the past have compunded this and he has broken your trust but he was going out with the girl, he had planned this and was hopefully using protection. Make the point to him next time you go away.

Moomin · 30/05/2007 19:51

At 18 I'd guess that they think 4 months is a 'long-term' relationship. THis is just what I was doing, but a lot younger and I did it because I knew my dad wouldn't understand me and also because I guess I was after attention. Your ds isn't doing this for attention, he's doing it because he wants to and he snuck her in through the window incase his siblings grassed him up. If he brought his gf home and introduced her would you eventually allow them to sleep together while you were there? At 17 when I did have a steady bf, my boyfriend's parents did but there was NO WAY my dad would have allowed this. It didn't stop me doing it; it just meant I stayed over at his a lot.

If you've never had an open communicative relationshop with your ds it ain't gonna start now! THat's not a criticism of you and your dh by the way, but if your ds didn't want to tell you he had a gf he probably won't want to discuss sex with you both and how he's going to arrange getting some.