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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sneaking Girlfriend into house for sex

55 replies

Superg4 · 30/05/2007 19:07

Hi, My dh and I went away for a few days recently. My daughter has just told me that she discovered our son in bed with his girlfriend (she had climbed in thru bedroom window). As far as we know (which is not much as our son is non-communicative) they have been dating for about 4 months. He is not a child, he is 18, but we are deeply disappointed and hurt since he knows how we would feel about this breaking of trust. (He has been a problem teenager for many years, drugs, dropping out of school). How should we handle this situation? Our daughter told him that she wd not tell us, so we don't want him to know that she went behind his back to us. Our youngest son (we have 3 altogether) is 16 and also naturally interested in girls so we do not want to send the wrong message to him either.

OP posts:
PenelopePitstops · 30/05/2007 19:52

MMJ you are right about uni, I am only 19 so looking at this from a teenagers perspective.

Im away at uni and my mum does have no idea what im up to (thank god!) But at home i respect her decisions.

Give him some freedon and reponsibilty, he may respond better than you think.

Original poster
Superg4 · 30/05/2007 19:53

PenelopePitStop - You are right. We do have an open house, and our son has a lot of freedom. He still comes and asks me if he may go out for the evening (we always say yes but he does ask). Perhaps we shd invite his girlfriend over for dinner and see what happens?

OP posts:
Sugarfree · 30/05/2007 19:53

Superg4,are you actually asking us how to stop him having sex? Are you struggling with the reality of a son who is now a man?(not a criticism btw,not looking forward to it myself-my eldest is 13.5)
He has been with her for 4 months which I would think is fairly serious at 18.
The only justifiable objection that you have that I can see,is the sneaking in through the window,but as you have said,if he'd asked you would have said 'no'. Didn't really leave him many options there did you?

Sugarfree · 30/05/2007 19:55

I think inviting her to dinner is a great idea.

Sugarfree · 30/05/2007 19:56

or maybe a really casual saturday lunch if you think your son would think a dinner was a bit 'full-on inspection'

PenelopePitstops · 30/05/2007 19:57

yes that would be a good idea. Invite her as a very informal normal dinner situation, as if your family was just eating dinner at home. Perhaps you could suggest she stays over after a night out or something, but in another room

Its good you have an open house and he still asks to go out, so do I when im home

LoveMyGirls · 30/05/2007 19:59

I'm 25 and when i think back to being 18 I am sure my mother was devastated (at the time) by the path i had chosen and i dont mean sneaking into boys rooms!

When I was 18 and I had a 6mth old baby living in a council house in a rough part of town, i'd gone through a rebelious stage at 15, moved in with my dad, got my belly button pierced, had a tattoo (which i now regret btw) and at 16 i got pregnant.

But now I'm a proud mother of 2 children and I have a wonderful partner and my own business - which is down to the fact that I was well brought up and after my rebellious stage it was my family values i fell back on and they have made me what i am today.

Cut your son some slack as long as he's being careful about it and be grateful i'm not your child

Sugarfree · 30/05/2007 20:00

I like you're thinking there Penelope,that way he knows exactly where his mum and dad stand without finding out that his siter has grassed him up.

Sugarfree · 30/05/2007 20:01

before the pedants rush in with hooters,I know that should have been 'your' not 'you're.'

Original poster
Superg4 · 30/05/2007 20:03

Thanks everyone. I needed to put the situation into perspective. Of course we know that 18 yr olds have sex it was just the way it was sneakily done (but what shd we have expected pre-notice??) I suppose that made all the other feelings of hurt and disappointment surface again. We love our son very much and at the end of the day we are happy that he seems to be settling down more, hopefully this girl will be a good influence on him.

OP posts:
Wotz · 30/05/2007 20:05

Superg4 its sound like you are doing a great job. Teenagers, its hard to believe we were them once.

Sugarfree · 30/05/2007 20:06

Oh,I do like a happy ending to a thread.

PenelopePitstops · 30/05/2007 20:08

superg you sound like a great mum, hope things go well with your son and his girlfriend.

Sometimes things need putting in perspective, nobody is perfect!

Original poster
Superg4 · 30/05/2007 20:09

Thank you WOTZ. Much appreciated. Even parents need a pat on the back once in a while, we are so often in a no-win situation with our children.

OP posts:
DominiConnor · 30/05/2007 20:09

I see this an an opportunity, rather than a problem.
He's going to have sex, the variables are where and under what conditions.
Rather than try the futile, "trust" position, negotiate with him as an adult. He wants to have sex, presumably a lot. Girlfriend will tire of climbing in through windows.

There are things you want. I'd guess the first is that adequate precautions are taken. Maybe there's other behaviours you'd like to improve ? I'd bet money that today in a drawer is the form you got from training course that you want him to do.
He wants to bonk G/F ? Fine he turns up to the plumbing course every day.
G/F obviously has to behave well in your home.

Also g/f is a good lever for good behaviour. Relatively few girls want a drop out druggie boyfriend. The glamour of a "free spirit" wears think quite quickly.

If you are talking to her, rather than discovering her in flagrante, she might share some of your ambitions for his improvement.

Invite her over for dinner, with a nice bottle or two of wine, followed by nookie, and I think you can gain an ally.

You can be "cool parents" which she will like and may raise you up in the eyes of DS, who will know how many other parents react.

You can make his life a lot better by bowing to the inevitable with good grace. If he screws with the agreement you have a new and rather more powerful sanction.

You have him by the balls, his heart and mind will surely follow.

This can send a good message to DS2. He can learn that you can be cool parents, and that responsible attitutes to contraception etc have rewards that really grab the attention of 16 yo boys.

LoveMyGirls · 30/05/2007 20:21

DC - what a fab idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is so obviously the way to do it!!

Now to convert the garage so that they don't disturb you

Seriously when my girls are older i will be converting my garage for them to use as chill out area and spare room where they can stay with partners if i agree - hummmm but maybe my children will never leave home if i do that

I've always said i'd never allow it under my roof etc etc its dp who convinced me otherwise because his parents allowed him gf's to stay over from 16 they also provided condoms and he didn't get girls pg by mistake he waited and planned a baby with me so there must be something about encouraging your children to have sex because if you are encouraging it you can also ask them to do it safely.

Only a couple of motnhs before i got pregnant (by accident) my mum had come round and gone mad at me for having a boyfriend and said that i wasn't allowed on the pill etc and off she went, i was very very naieve and the boy i was seeing was 3 years older i believed him when he said he couldn't have children and that i would be safe - because he was older and because i was very drunk and because i didnt think it would happen to me.

Sorry have gone on abit there but you get the whole gist and im glad you have decided how to handle it. Good luck!

Sugarfree · 30/05/2007 20:24

LMG,we've just converted our garage into a playroom/den/guest room.
Dh said "give it 3 years and it'll be know as The Shag Palace."
I put my hands over my ears and ran screaming for the hills.

Original poster
Superg4 · 30/05/2007 20:24

Thank you.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 30/05/2007 20:27

Erm im actually eyt to buy a house with a garage but as the girls are only 7 and 1 i've got a bit of time i hope

FioFio · 30/05/2007 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kamikayzed · 30/05/2007 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarfree · 30/05/2007 20:43

Kami,I almost changed my mind about putting a sofabed in there til I realised they are teenagers and the floor,walls and window sills will probably suffice.

purpleduck · 30/05/2007 21:51

Super, he is old enough to go to war!!! Let the guy have sex!!! Its a bit natural for anyone that age to want to. You cant make him stop, and as for the younger ones, if you don't talk about sex, then let this be a wake up call, talk to them!!!! Even if you don't think they are listening!!!
Not being mean either, but give the boy a break on past behaviour. TBH i don't know what it is, but everyone makes mistakes, I sure have

susue · 01/06/2007 09:38

Hi, I have a seventeen year old and he has been a handful from the day he could speak!! He's a very loyal and caring lad though and I have always found he responded far better to situations and rules if they were spelt out to him well in advance. I spoke to him when he was 15 about girls coming up to his room and sex etc. I know of alot of kids who have had sex by the time they were 12!!!! I think if he's got to 18 before having sex it shows he doesn't take it lightly. I told my son that I would rather he had sex at home in a safe, warm environment with his girlfriend as long as it was a partner he'd been seeing for a decent ammount of time and that she was of age and that her parents knew the situation. I felt weird that my baby was having sex and yet again it was another part of him growing up me letting go, it's horrible. He needs to know that it will take some getting used to, that you wish he had asked [ but it's a tough subject for a young lad to start] and that you don't want to be a grandma yet! If I am out and about and there are condoms in a sale then I buy them for my son, better to be safe than sorry. As others have said kids will have sex anytime anywhere so I'd rather know where he was doing it! Hope this helps a little take care,

wheniamqueen · 04/06/2007 16:49

In my young (i'm 21) opinion.I think your best bet is to get the gf on side. With my first serious bf at 17, i stayed at his a lot and vise versa, as we lived quite a way apart, we had just happened to meet in a central place. In the end when we broke up i missed his parents more than him! His mum liked me as i made him quit smoking, and his dad was a good cook and i was always a good eater. There would be times when i was staying round and i would be having a glass or five of wine wiith his mum after dinner and a chat and then i'd realise my bf had dissapeared off to bed! Domini Connor Is right about girlfriends sometimes being a mothers best ali, as we dont want a drop out bf anymore than you want a drop out son, and girlfriends always tend to have more influence over men than their mothers.