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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS happy to play on Xbox and never goes out!

37 replies

123onne · 24/07/2018 18:01

My son is 14, and is looking forward to sitting in his room all summer and playing online on his xbox.
He is pretty sporty, part of football and cricket teams, but a little clumsy socially.
We live remote (perhaps 10 min bike ride) from his friends. They dont really call and he doesnt really call for anyone ' apparently no-one plays out'.
We are already rowing 2 days in about how much time he spends online.

I am forcing him to text people and apparently being 'really stressed out' by forcing him to go out and find people! am I ? is this the new normal? what can I do?

OP posts:

fairlybalancedmum · 24/07/2018 19:31

My son is 14 and doesn't really seek any friends out. He likes his own company. He plays on his computer too much as well and I have to get him out doing something else. He doesn't seem to need much socially. I take him climbing and he has a paper round. Geocashing has been good because he then gets some exercise. It is difficult I know but not uncommon. Don't worry.

ManyCrisps · 24/07/2018 22:56

Why can’t you just leave him

bookmum08 · 24/07/2018 23:05

He has a hobby. His hobby is Xbox. Why not see if there are any gaming events or conventions he could go to. There is a big retro gaming event in London a some point during the summer (I'm not sure of the actual date). There are probably similar events all over the country. If that is what he enjoys then let him enjoy it.

LovelyLemurs · 24/07/2018 23:07

I wouldn't have a problem with it. My attitude is the kids work hard all day and term at school. Let them relax in the holidays and free time. Didn't do me any harm. At least you know where they are and they are not out on the streets. If it's not one moral panic in the media it is another.

Passonthemessage · 25/07/2018 07:28

I wouldn't be happy with ds spending all his time on the Xbox. I'd talk to him about doing other things and I would be limiting his time on the Xbox. Nephews spend all their time on the Xbox - they all have social anxiety issues, were these the reason for the dependency on the Xbox or did the Xbox contribute to it, I have no idea but I am not waiting on some study to prove it one way or the other. Spending less time on the Xbox, experiencing events in real life is always better.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/07/2018 07:35

... forcing him to go out and find people! - Why would you do that? What are you expecting him to do? Wander the streets hoping to come across someone he knows?

... experiencing events in real life is always better. - I often wonder what these "events" are for teenagers.

Passonthemessage · 25/07/2018 08:09

Events? Getting on a train to a new town to go for a McDonalds - into town to see their friends, cleaned their rooms, had a sleepover, help me with painting. Mowing the lawn. Walked the dog. Went down to the river. Go to the swimming pool, the cinema. Shopped for and cooked dinner. Clothes shopping. Read a book, summer homework. Netflix. I'm sure all teenagers do difference stuff, but that is what my teens will mostly get up to, I'm sure they will play on their Xbox too, but if screens start to over dominate their days I will suggest a change of activity.

Zommum · 25/07/2018 08:17

You limit his time, give him a three hour break in the middle of the day with no access to the wifi. You could add a chore it too as well.

keepingbees · 25/07/2018 08:22

My sons quite sporty, he has spent a fair amount of time on his xbox so far, the reason being his friends won't come off it. He's bored and wants to see friends, they all say no they're playing on xbox. I feel bad for him. At his age there's limited things he wants to do with me. He wants to see his friends, go out on bikes and have a kick about at the park. Nothing wrong with xbox in moderation but kids don't seem to want to move off it, and chatting online comes before socialising in person it seems.

BrownTurkey · 25/07/2018 08:27

I have told mine in a lighthearted manner that I expect her to leave the house (go to the garden, shops or town or for a walk) at least every other day. I am leaving it at that. Although I might have threatened to logout of netflix if it doesn’t happen.

JustDanceAddict · 25/07/2018 11:31

I agree it’s too much all day, every day. Even my 14 yr old DS equally addicted to online gaming likes to actually get out of the house.
I try to encourage him to meet up with friends or at least ‘go out and do something less boring instead’ - now instead of tv we can apply it to the PS4/computer/x-box.
I do find some of his friends are less willing to leave the screens but thankfully ds has a fairly wide range of friends so can usually do something 3/5 days.

PaddysMarket · 25/07/2018 11:36

My 15yr old is the same, since the summer holidays started on June 29th the only time he's left the house is to do his paper round in the morning and play with the dogs in the garden. Guarantee that as soon as the schools go back I'll be asked to drop him off in town fri/sat nights.

Honflyr · 25/07/2018 11:42

When I was that age I used to lie and tell my friends I was ill so I wouldn't have to go to sleepovers/cinema/shopping trip/lunch/whatever. So YABU

Honflyr · 25/07/2018 11:44

If my WiFi/game time was limited as a teen, I would just read a book/watch TV/go for a nap/wash my hair. Anything but go outside

kissmelittleass · 25/07/2018 11:47

My ds finished end of May long holidays here and he's the same! He goes out with his friends maybe twice a week and the rest of his time is spent in his room on Xbox. I don't have a problem with it at all, he could be doing worse things after all! Leave him be he's a teenage boy it's what they do, you will only create a big issue about nothing if you persist and I certainly wouldn't be forcing him to text friends!! Keep him close don't drive him away!

TheVanguardSix · 25/07/2018 11:52

It’s totally normal and a sign of the times. DS is 16 and this is the first summer in a couple of years where he’s combined his gaming rot with actually going out to meet friends who are not away on holiday, playing snooker at a snooker club sometimes (don’t underestimate this- it’s not just for paunchy, middle aged dads ), and doing some cross training on the local meadow. I’ve not shouted ‘Hallelujah there is a god!’just yet! He’s still got ‘gamer’s butt’ from setting solid in his chair.
If you can encourage your DS to detach from the xBox, great! But fear not, OP, this and next summer will be your Lost in Gaming summers. By 16, gaming will still be a part of his summers, but a bit less. He will crawl out of the hole... Eventually.

It’s frustrating though.

MinesAWhitMagnumPlease · 25/07/2018 11:59

If your DS is sporty are there activities running at his clubs in the holidays? There must be cricket matches he can go and watch even if it's adults at the weekend.

DS yr9 is helping run a course for primary school age children 3 days this week (no cost to me !). In a couple of weeks he is attending a week long improvers course for his age in a different sport.

Sleepovers are still poplar though then you will end up with a living room full of teenagers all playing xbox

commonarewe · 25/07/2018 12:39

Maybe find a more productive hobby for yourself than micromanaging your DS's every waking moment in the holidays?

This is real "fish looks forward to a spot of swimming" stuff!

Passonthemessage · 25/07/2018 12:57

No need to micromanage any moment when the spend all their time gaming!

Charley50 · 25/07/2018 17:15

My 14 year old DS has been on his computer the whole time tho holiday so far. Usually he does some sport but it's too hot really so I'm being chilled about it. Most friends are away.

Part of me can't bear it, and part of me thinks, 'it's his life, up to him if he just wants to sit indoors playing computer games all day long.'

I have had to threaten him with stopping his pocket money if he doesn't come to visit his grandma though.

Charley50 · 25/07/2018 17:15

At least it's cheap! Lol!

annandale · 25/07/2018 17:24

Every human being has to go outside for a minimum of 30 mins daily in this house. Hardly a lot - my mum would have said an hour. He can stare into space in the park if necessary. If this is dull, magically he starts to make arrangements to meet up with people.

10 min bike ride isn't remote.

Ds also has to do some piano practice and some physio exercises daily. He has to do a bit of Spanish a couple of times a week.

It is not outrageous to require some physical movement from a teenager daily. Pick an amount and stick to it. Anyone who thinks such a minimal amount of basic parenting is over the top is ridiculous.

Charley50 · 25/07/2018 17:35

@annandale - you're right.

Passonthemessage · 25/07/2018 19:45

@annandale - you're right.

adaline · 26/07/2018 07:34

I'm so glad my parents never micro-managed me and told me I had to go outside or see friends.

As it happened I did meet up with friends over the summer but maybe a couple of times a week - I couldn't have coped being forced to socialise everyday and I still can't. Even as an adult, after a full day at work I could quite happily go home and sit in silence all evening!

Would you have the same concern about not going out if his hobby was reading? Or doing something that didn't require a screen?

The Xbox is just another hobby and personally I don't see it as being any worse than reading, watching TV, doing jigsaws or building model railways.

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