I hate being my teenagers mum

[FMLFMLFMLFML]

I cant do this anymore.

Im a single parent and I have 2 teenagers - dd is 14 and ds is 13.

Dd - she just wants to stay in her room all the time. Never goes out with her friends but her friends are all online anyway. Her room is a tip- clothes, towels, food, empty wrappers and cans. I go in and clean and she’ll kick off that I’ve invaded her privacy. She is pleasant until you ask her to do something she doesn’t like then we get the toddler like tantrums - screaming, shouting, slamming doors, head butting things. Every so often she refuses to go to school and tells me there’s nothing I can do to make her. Every time I punish her she threatens suicide or cuts her arm and says it’s my fault. She’s started to be violent towards me too.

Ds is better in temperament and will sit with me and chat, but he’s started to see that dd gets away with a lotand has started to copy her behaviour ie school refusal/suicide threats if he doesn’t get his own way. His room is a similar mess to hers but he’s grateful if I clean it.

I’ve tried to implement rules - no food upstairs, washing downstairs or it won’t get washed but they’d quite happily walk about in dirty clothes than do something I’ve asked. They have no respect for me or the house.

They also hate each other. All they do is bicker and fight and torment each other.

None of us are happy.

I’m living on eggshells. I’m being blackmailed into doing exactly what they want under the threat of them hurting themselves or each other so I have to give in. I called dds bluff once and she cut her arm with a compass and said next time she’ll do it properly and it will be my fault.

This morning they had a huge punch up over some Pringles and I gave them a warning to stop it otherwise I’d unplug the internet. They didn’t stop so I unplugged it so dd pushed me halfway down the stairs.

I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. I’ve tried so hard to live a normal life. I’ve never spoiled them (never could afford to) I worked term time whilst they were young and only once they started secondary I changed to a better job with more money so I could treat them a bit more (not loads, just mean I could afford pocket money, a uk holiday, trips etc) but they don’t ever want to spend quality time with me.

I seriously hate our life and wish I could turn back time to when they were little and liked me.

Sorry to hear. I have 14 & 16 yr olds and they do kick up a fuss when asked to do stuff which is normal, but the violence from yours isn’t.
If they want to wear dirty clothes, let them, it’s their life. I’m sure they’ll get fed up of smelling sooner or later in this weather. Even my soap dodging ds is showering regularly.
As to the harming thing - she is testing you and you’re falling into the trap. If mental health is good and she’s doing it to upset you, you do need to speak to her when she’s calm and say you need her and her brother to step
Up to the mark. I always say to mine that if they want ‘favours’ from me - lifts, extra money etc they need to be pleasant members of the household. If they’re stroppy and unhelpful I’m less likely to be generous with time and money.
I have seen my BIL go through this with his now-16 year old DD - she has him round her little finger: he funds everything and knows she takes a multitude of drugs with his money (he’s as straight laced as they come). He’s scared that if he says no she’ll kick off and do ‘something stupid’, but likelihood is that she’d just rant and rave but be ok so he accommodates her every wish some of which are ludicrous.

So is this a recent thing? What was she like as a younger child? What's her attention like?

Mine tried the “self-harm-to-inflict-guilt thing. I took it so terribly seriously that I removed all the sharp implements she had access to and blocked her internet access to stop her getting these dreadful ideas. (Not a course of action I’d advocate for a a child experiencing true distress, but stroppy madam trying to blackmail, make it more trouble than it’s worth.)

She’s always been difficult. Bossy, has to have her own way. Doesn’t like to be wrong or it being brought to her attention that she’s wrong or made a mistake.

Attention wise like concentration?

She can sit for hours drawing (she’s really good, was told in year 8 that a piece of work she’s done was A- level quality) or reading a book or playing a computer game. If it’s something she wants to do she’s fine but if she doesn’t it’s world war 3. She’s quite self deprecating though and critical of herself, but more so of other people. As I said she hates people pointing out shes wrong, but is quite gleeful if someone else makes a mistake or does something silly and goes on and on about it. And she always has to have the last word.

I remember one time when she was 11 or 12 and she was being difficult I snapped and told her ‘ok you can have the last word and then the tantrum will finish’ and she was so conflicted because she wanted the last word but, because I’d ‘told’ her to do it, she didn’t want it, as then she’s be doing as she was told, so she really didn’t know how to react.

@idontmeanto

I really don’t think she would actually do it deep down, but when it’s thrown in your face daily it starts to wear you down. And then there’s the little ‘what if she does?’

She sees the school counselling team and has done for a while, and I’ve taken her to the doctors for referral to mental health team as she said she has anxiety and depression, but she only ever says she has anxiety or depression when there’s something she doesn’t want to do. I’m not minimising it and want to support her if she truly has them but it’s used by her as an excuse for her behaviour.

Her Xbox live is due for renewal tomorrow and I’ve said I’m not renewing it yet( or her brothers) because of their fight this morning so she’s currently in her room trashing it, whereas my son has just apologised to us both and asked if there’s anything needed doing around the house. I know he’s trying to get in my good books to get his account back (which I’ll do next Friday) but the fact that he’s taken responsibility for his actions and is trying to make up for it somehow is just a complete different reaction to hers.

That sounds really tough for you.

I think it's even more difficult because it's so two teens against one adult. Thank god in a way they don't get on, otherwise they might conspire against you.

It sounds as though your daughter could do with seeing a professional. Has she ever seen a doctor or a school counsellor?

I have a teen DD15. Her room is not as I would like, she is more than untidy and always has been. There's a floordrobe going on and belongings strewn about etc etc.

The difference is that I choose not to go into meltdown about any of that. It's her room and it doesn't bother her. Me calming down about it totally, has also massively improved her attitude to it. She will clear up weekly for the cleaner to go in and bring down dishes and cups when reminded.

I'd much rather have a good relationship with my DD than her room be spotless.

What was the row over the Pringles about? Do you need to remind be the angst and drama from your own approach, is that being reflected back and amplified by teenage hormones?

Are there times when you all get together and it’s calm? Like for dinner?
Could you try getting some food they like, all get together and have a chat about how you can see everyone is unhappy.
Ask them what they think would make things better for you all? Tell them that it would be easier for everyone if everyone kept their rooms tidy and helped with housework.
Say you don’t want to restrict WiFi but if you have to you will because clearly it’s not doing anyone any good just being on their phones or whatever and not getting things done.
Discuss anything else that needs discussing. Let them come up with solutions.
Ask questions like what would help them to do blah blah so they feel like they’re making the decisions.

I don’t go into her room at all, but on one occasion there were cluster flies all over her window and another the upstairs of the house stank because she’d left a cup of milk on the window sill for 2 weeks. But she tantrummed because I asked her to sort it out then tantrummed because I sorted it out when she didn’t. Im blind to the floordrobe now.

She punched a hole in her door last week because she got a detention for not bringing her PE kit twice. She said she lost it but she hasn’t - It’s somewhere in her room and I’m not forking out £40 for a new one which is what she wants me to do rather than her look for it.

I don’t even know what the Pringle row was about, just that they ended up all over the floor upstairs in the hallway.

@daykay I would absolutely love that! But we can’t even order a takeaway without one of them kicking off as it’s not their choice. Mostly dd as It HAS to be her way.

Is worth considering Pathological Demand Avoidant Autism as an explanation given this has been her behaviour throughout her life?

Do your children pay for their phone contracts and the Wifi?

If not, take a leaf out of your DD’s book - tell her that you don’t want to pay the bills, given how badly she behaves, and that there’s nothing she can do to make you. I certainly wouldn’t be renewing the X-box Live account under any circumstances.

How does it work if you remain really, really calm, just pointing out the consequences of her behaviour in a really rational, logical way, rather than engaging emotionally with her. Don’t try to solve her problems for her but ask her how she plans to solve them - I have tried this with students at school with success, although I know it’s much harder when it’s your own children. So if she’s tantrumming about the internet being off, just say, yes, it’s frustrating, isn’t it? But since it’s not going back on until you can treat me and this house with respect, how can you resolve this?

You will need a will of iron to hang in there, though.

my mum got them their phones and pays their contracts.

I’ve spoken to the dr about possible autism as I have aspergers, but it’s never been flagged up as a possibility. My ds has sensory issues around food and has been seen by a children’s psychologist and she never brought it up either.

I’m not sure my will is iron enough. I wish I had the courage but when she’s rifling through the drawers trying to find a knife (I’ve hidden all the sharp ones) to stab herself with it’s hard to be logical with her - it’s like she goes into a blind rage and there’s no getting past it.

You are very tolerant.

Pushing you down the stairs? Punching holes in doors? No way!

You need to take control of your home, command respect and only then will you be shown it.

Every time she threatens to kill herself offer to call the police - advise her they will seek medical advice as to whether she needs sectioning. This is a last resort but given her actions she needs this sort of intervention

I would not renew the Xbox thing either. I’d also ensure she can’t access harmful websites.

When she is in the kitchen searching for harmful implements - do not follow her. Tell her that you will call the police.

I doubt she will stab herself. She is antagonising you. She knows how to get you. If she was truly suicidal she would do it out of sight.

No teen has even killed them selves in front of their parent due to anger.

I mean this kindly btw the topic is very sensitive

Some info here:

https://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/pda.aspx

Bar the violence it sounds like my life. Lazy fuckers, lay in bed all weekend. Grunt instead of talk.
The self harm thing isnt normal. I self harmed and my hatred of everyone else was because i never fit into the world and i was cross at others because i hated myself. I had problems with friendships and never got how to do it. I now have bipolar and am much much calmer. It isnt like it forever but i will never forgive myself for how i treated my poor mum.

I mean now im medicated. I think you need to try and seoarate normal teenage and what needs working on. Hopefully someone can give you some advice.

Let them wear smelly clothes. When people at school start saying they smell they will soon change their mind
Also with regards to self harming I would take her to a and e and they will deal with as appropriate
She will either feel embarrassed for doing it or she will get the help she deserves
Drastic times drastic measures

You have 2 teens who seem to be going through the full range of teen behaviour. I have some too. It is a complete rollercoaster nightmare. Sometimes I feel so miserable and fed up. You are also a single Mum and I have to say you are doing the best you can. You have to hang in there but also you need the support of your own Mum and other family to keep you going. Your daughter may or may not have other issues and it can be really difficult to tell when they behave like big toddlers. It's good she's having counselling so keep that going. Read widely, there are books that give great insight into the teen mind.
Really the important thing is to get some backup for yourself because really you have to just survive these tough years. See your GP if you are struggling, a referral can be made to young people emotional support in you're county council area.
In all honesty we've had a shit time with one teen but we just keep going.
I really wish you well because it's very tough.

I’d cut off the WiFi until their attitude improves
And they need a proper out of school activity, preferable sport as this promotes an attitude of discipline and fair play.
Lots of teens threaten suicide these days and it is terrifying not know if they are serious or not.
Your daughter needs to be ignored a bit otherwise this will get worse.

I found this book really helpful: Get out of my life..but first take me and Alex into town. Sort of sums up the irrational and unbelievably stressful minefield that is surviving teenagers. It gives very good advice on how to handle those exhausting arguments. Pick your battles and shelve being house proud for the moment. Never tolerate violence. Call the police. I came to your post looking for some ideas and help, I do feel a little less lonely in my battles. Sending strength.

I asked about the attention because anger management issues can be a feature of ADHD. My daughter has similar issues. She does not have a diagnosis but she is currently undergoing assessment because of a CAMHS referral. Straightaway, the psychiatrist said I think she has ADHD I am not sure that yours is the same as my daughter as she seems to be able to concentrate whereas mine can't but I also know that anger management can be a strong feature of anxiety and depression. My Dd does have an ocd diagnosis.

I do know that what you are going through is not normal. Saying that, from what my daughter says, there is a lot of self-harm and stuff like that going on at school and people are very open about it these days . Sometimes I think it's verging on being cool so I do get to you when you say it's attention seeking but I wouldn't risk it, personally.

My Dd does sound like yours in her younger years in that she was needed to be in control and was bossy and dominant. That ,I think is a feature of anxiety as well but it seems to magnify in either the teen or toddler years, both of which have been hell

It's really difficult being a single parent with a problematic teenager (let alone 2!). My older son was a nightmare when he was 13/14, and exhibited a lot of the behaviours you are describing. He's 16 now and SO much better. I'd like to take all the credit myself, but it was partly just growing up. Here's what worked for me anyhow:

1. Calming situations down rather than buying into the drama. It's really hard, but it's important you are detached from the emotion. Don't shout, don't plead, don't threaten things you have no way of ensuring will happen.
2. Talk properly at a calm moment. When people are angry, it can help to acknowledge their anger ("I can see how upset you are"), but don't try to sort out solutions until everyone is calm. Then have a chat with them about what they'd like to see change to make everyone happier. It may be that their ideas are unworkable, but they might have some insights too. Work out house rules together if you can.
3. Actions need consequences, but beware of ramping up consequences when everything is already heated - they are likely just to say they don't care.
4. Do something nice with them - take them to the movies, say get out of the house with them, anything to start to break the patterns they are in.
5. Know that this will pass - in my experience this age is the hardest but. Good luck!

Lovelycuppateas I wish I had someone like you to remind me I will survive. I like your post and such great advice. I can't really understand why the teen years are so tough these days. I don't remember being quite as bad as my kid has been in the last 2 years. I do know how terribly isolating and depressing it can be to have to deal with some of the behaviour though. Good days are a ray of sunshine and keep your faith that all will be ok in the end.