I hate being my teenagers mum

[FMLFMLFMLFML]

I cant do this anymore.

Im a single parent and I have 2 teenagers - dd is 14 and ds is 13.

Dd - she just wants to stay in her room all the time. Never goes out with her friends but her friends are all online anyway. Her room is a tip- clothes, towels, food, empty wrappers and cans. I go in and clean and she’ll kick off that I’ve invaded her privacy. She is pleasant until you ask her to do something she doesn’t like then we get the toddler like tantrums - screaming, shouting, slamming doors, head butting things. Every so often she refuses to go to school and tells me there’s nothing I can do to make her. Every time I punish her she threatens suicide or cuts her arm and says it’s my fault. She’s started to be violent towards me too.

Ds is better in temperament and will sit with me and chat, but he’s started to see that dd gets away with a lotand has started to copy her behaviour ie school refusal/suicide threats if he doesn’t get his own way. His room is a similar mess to hers but he’s grateful if I clean it.

I’ve tried to implement rules - no food upstairs, washing downstairs or it won’t get washed but they’d quite happily walk about in dirty clothes than do something I’ve asked. They have no respect for me or the house.

They also hate each other. All they do is bicker and fight and torment each other.

None of us are happy.

I’m living on eggshells. I’m being blackmailed into doing exactly what they want under the threat of them hurting themselves or each other so I have to give in. I called dds bluff once and she cut her arm with a compass and said next time she’ll do it properly and it will be my fault.

This morning they had a huge punch up over some Pringles and I gave them a warning to stop it otherwise I’d unplug the internet. They didn’t stop so I unplugged it so dd pushed me halfway down the stairs.

I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong. I’ve tried so hard to live a normal life. I’ve never spoiled them (never could afford to) I worked term time whilst they were young and only once they started secondary I changed to a better job with more money so I could treat them a bit more (not loads, just mean I could afford pocket money, a uk holiday, trips etc) but they don’t ever want to spend quality time with me.

I seriously hate our life and wish I could turn back time to when they were little and liked me.

Oh my goodness, I really feel for you hun.

As for DD’s room- don’t go in there! I know it’s so hard when you are aware there’s a mess behind the door, but you’ll feel much calmer eventually if you don’t go in. Your DD will get to a point where she realises that mum isn’t going to come in anymore and complain and tidy, so she has to do something herself.
Has she started her period? If so, is she more irritable around her time of the month? My niece sounded just like your DD, turns out her hormones were completely out of whack, went on the pill, and the moods calmed down.
If she’s threatening suicide and self harm, it might be a call for help. She’s trying to warn you. It will seem manipulative at the time, but please do try and help her.
DSD was similar a couple of years ago (although to a lesser extent), so I speak from experience.
I really hope it all gets better for you!
Xx

In my experience the best way to deal with stroppy teens is to disengage. It sounds like you are all in a very highly charged emotional roller coaster. It will take work to create a calmer house but you can do it. Teenagers are narcissistic and they need an audience.

Ignore any tantrums. If your teen is kicking off about some perceived unfairness just walk away. Don't try to reason with her or argue. Go into another room and pick up a book and ignore. If she follows you then just get up and walk into another room without engaging.

Ignore the mess in the bedrooms. Do not clean them. Tell them that as of now their rooms are their responsibility. Any washing will only be done if they bring it down, you will not be collecting it. If they realise they need something and it's not clean, let them rant and fuss and simply say "oh dear" and carry on with what you are doing.

Every time they say no to something you ask them to do, say no to them when they next want something from you such as a lift or money. If they kick off just calmly say that you asked them for something and they said no so you are doing the same.

In a calmer moment explain to your dd that if she threatens to hurt herself you will call the police and have her sectioned for her own safety. Next time she looks for an implement just pick up the phone and
Dial. Try not to get into pleading with her not to because then you are giving her all the power. She is playing on your feelings of guilt.

If you impose sanctions, explain why the "whatever" is being removed and say that for every minute they kick off about it 24 hours will be added to the sanction.

It will be tough. And you will want to cave. Consistency is the key word here. But for all of your sakes you need to try. Pick a day when you feel strong enough to start and sit down with them, tell them what is going to happen and why. Speak to your gp and see if their is any help he can help you access.

I hope things improve for you soon x

Are there any organisations near you where you can get support? Or a parenting course for managing teens? I think if you had some support for implementing the rules that'd help you a lot.

You have had some great advice. Teenagers need a glimpse that you are a human too and as such can be hurt/upset and refuse to do things if they hurt you.

Also consequences are important, bad behaviour in our house means I refuse to do things for them eg pay for stuff, drive them to friends houses, buy them clothes or arrange things.

My argument is that I feel really hurt/upset by their behaviour and don't feel inclined to treat them. Worth a try...

It's interesting that you say that your ds is behaving better than your dd but does have a tendency to copy her. I think you need to ensure you are remembering to tell your ds that you appreciate him apologising / owning up/ whatever, and treat him accordingly, to try to ensure that he stays behaving better (not to play them off against each other but just so that he can see that his better behaviour really matters to you). I agree that you need to leave their rooms for them to sort - they are old enough. But they are also old enough for you to start to put your needs first sometimes. It sounds like you are doing well in tough circumstances. They will grow out of it, but this must be hard work. Wishing you well.

Justtheonequestion

Bar the violence it sounds like my life. Lazy fuckers, lay in bed all weekend. Grunt instead of talk.
The self harm thing isnt normal. I self harmed and my hatred of everyone else was because i never fit into the world and i was cross at others because i hated myself. I had problems with friendships and never got how to do it. I now have bipolar and am much much calmer. It isnt like it forever but i will never forgive myself for how i treated my poor mum.

Thanks for your honesty. So much of the literature today points blame at the parent. I’m the target for all my daughter’s vitriol. According to her I have been intentionally neglectful and a narcissist. Yet I wonder whether I can be a completely different person at home than I am with my friends or at work - and I have good caring friends and well respected at work. I know from my own childhood, where there was violence, that I do withdraw when there is similar behaviour and I know I have been very intimidated by dd’s tantrums.

I really hold on what people have said on MN that if you can survive these ‘turbulent’ (which I feel is a complete understatement) times, it will come good.

I'm a single mum with no extended family at all. I am deeply ashamed to admit I have secretly begun to despise my lazy, selfish foul mouthed teenagers. Boy 14 and girl 13. They hate each other too, always fighting - even in public, at nice restaurants, in shops, on holiday, at friends houses, everywhere in fact. They do no schoolwork, despite being very smart, are always in detention, and are falling behind in every subject. They don't listen to a word I say. Their rooms are so filthy with blood stained knickers under the bed and curdled mugs of milk on their book shelves. I love them so much and try everything I can to get them to understand how stressful it is for me to be living in a war zone, but they genuinely don't care. They both see their school counsellor and even during lockdown, the school was brilliant and they had sessions over the phone. Really though, it makes no real change. I've tried removing privileges such as wifi and 'grounding' them, but the fact is they have no respect for me or my rules and will only ever unite if it's against me. I've begun to feel really depressed. I am ashamed to say I wish I had never had kids.

Sorry, I'm new here. It's good to have this resource, thank you. I got a message suggesting I start a new thread on this, so please forgive me, I just cut and pasted this onto a new thread. Hoping someone can give me some advice. x