banning devices after 9pm - is this reasonable

[pkhan]

Both my 14 year old son and 13 year old daughter are pretty vile and I've shed many tears wondering where I went wrong. I feel a lot has to do with their obsession with their devices. Son is gaming all evening until around 9.30/10pm and daughter constantly on phone with friends or watching some make-up thing on youtube. Their behaviour seemed to have worsened since they had these devices - always in their room and want little to do with me apart from feed them, give them money, taxi them everywhere, wash their clothes and be their general skivvy! I have decided to get them back into reading books and spending some time in evening with me and dad to ban use of all devices from 9pm. They have reacted with a riot. Anyone else have experience they can share over such bans?

Spending time is a good idea but good luck making them read..

It's normal for teens to start to draw away from their parents. All part of them growing up and preparing to move out eventually.
Ban on devices late at night? Sure.
Forcing them to read or spend time with you? Bound to cause resentment and make them want to do those things less.

YANBU to ban at 9pm
YABU to dictate what they do instead. Let it come naturally

do they have actual lives/hobbies?

shoot em ups and videos of thickly coated airheads dont make good influences.
also stop the full service. get them off their arses and helping.

I'd fully support you in this.

People saying you can't make them read- true, but providing interesting and enticing books is very important, even if secretly you suspect they won't be interested. People often assume their child doesn't like reading full stop, and therefore give up entirely, which is very damaging. Provide a good range of books and if there's nothing else to do they might give them a go!

(Reading for pleasure drastically improves literacy more than anything else, and literacy is the biggest influencer and predictor of attainment at all levels- so if you want your child to thrive at GCSE, encourage reading from an early age)

Thank you so much for your feedback. Going to stick to ban and 'gently' encourage reading and maybe even spending time with mum and dad just watching a bit of TV and time to switch off.

Luckily they do sports after school but worried over the summer hols things may go to pot as more difficult to implement a routine.

The joys of teens and tech! (hmm)
My two older boys, 13, have strict rules regarding the use of XBox, PC’s, tablets and phones.
When they arrive home from school at 16:00 they get changed and have something to eat and drink. Then one does homework and the other has one and a half hours on tech. After the evening dinner, the one who went first dries dishes and sorts out the pets. The other plays until 19:30 when he then showers as we put the 5yo to bed.....the other teen watches a bit of TV until teen one emerges from the shower then he goes in. Both Teens are in bed by 21:00. There is an agreement which is this; any homework not done in the week MUST be done on Saturday morning. Also, depending, on behaviour, there may be implemented a one or two day ban at anytime which is not open to negotiation.
These restrictions were put on them due to bad behaviour and attitude previously and will stay until end of summer holidays when they return to school then they will be limited to 1 hour each so it does not interfere with G.C.S.E. work. During holidays they can have 1 hour a.m. and 1 hour p.m. (unless we are going out.). By imposing these restrictions we have made progress. The school work has improved as has their behaviour. We have clawed back part of our sons but realise it’s futile to try a blanket ban, unless bad behaviour etc. Unfortunately we have had to realise that it’s a different time from when I was a child. In school holidays we got let of the door, neigh kicked out of the door at 08:00 and went off with friends until 17:00, had tea then went an out for another couple of hours. School nights were home 15:30, change, homework, tea then, if nothing worth watching was on then I would go out until 19:00 and be£ by 20:00.

We have a no phone or Internet after 10pm for yr 10 / 15 yr olds. They drag their heel but phones are charged overnight, not in their room and they are seriously rebelling against this - "all my friends have unlimited online access and phones overnight".

I just want mine to have some offline time in their evening. They've had all day and afternoon / early evening to socialise and be online (watching youtube..)

YANBU
No devices after 8pm here during the week and maybe a bit later at weekends if friends are round. Also no devices in bedrooms at night.

Sitting isolated in your bedroom for 10-12 hours a day staring at a screen is not good for your physical or mental health. I have seen the effects of this on my DC and I know they need my help to regulate screen time regardless of how much fuss they make. It doesn’t matter whether they want to read or not, spending some time in the day doing something else or seeing family or seeing friends is a must to maintain some balance in their lives.

Interesting. My ds (15, ASD) is vile and my ds (12) is becoming ruder and more ignoring of me.

I have also decided im a shit parent, I can't get it right, they know too much about my life - my job, roughly what I earn, stress stuff because they are always around and listening in.

They both are glued to phones and one to x box. I am repeatedly told to fuck off by the older one ; he tried to bully the younger one and I feel I've stuffed up massively. They all hate me and I hate parenting.

Everyone says you should control what they do but in the next breath it's about giving them privacy and not checking their phones etc.

I've decided today I'm tired of it. The x box is in the back of my car after me being told to just fuck off again and I'm going to insist on phones on charge outside at 10 for the 15 year old and 9.30 for the 12 year old or i cancel the contracts.

Im sick of trying to negotiate and explain.

Hello Noeuf

So sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with your older boy. Sounds just awful. I imagine raging hormones isn't helping him but I also think this addiction to gaming is also the blame - think its affecting the way their brains function - making them more short tempered and frustrated. These tech companies are profiteering at the expense of our sanity!!! Wish I could turn the tide.

Do you have any support from the boy's dad or wider family and friends?

I'm convinced your doing the right thing. Stay strong and let them know who's boss.

Aw thank you, I appreciate it. DH is old school, older than me and doesn't really get it. If you could bring back the cane in schools he'd probably be up for it. Having said that, we've not smacked them and don't and it's left to me really. He works long hours and I'm very much The Parent.

I've tried the reasoning type approach and failed. I just end up being verbally ranted at by them as they feel they are winning every discussion. So I'm not doing that anymore.

Im going to decide what's important and enforce it via banning stuff or literally removing it.

I totally agree about tech and it being an appalling intrusion.

Also, as a teen I had to be influenced by my family whereas they are chatting and gaming with mates all the time.

think its affecting the way their brains function - making them more short tempered and frustrated. These tech companies are profiteering at the expense of our sanity!!! Wish I could turn the tide.

^
This
It has been documented that games and social media are cleverly designed by the tech companies to keep people hooked. The fact that kids react so extremely when restrictions are put in place just shows exactly how much of an issue this stuff is.

Hi Back in Time, so true. When I first introduced 9pm ban my 14 year old boy went into meltdown and then started throwing things around in his room and smashing things up. Its like his in withdrawal like drug addicts are.

This is really disturbing and I think I might write to local politicians to get more support to restrict tech becoming so all consuming in our kids lives - even at school - they seem to do so much on PCs and laptops.

Well I've had a text apology - I suspect it's a precursor to asking for the Xbox back.

Im inspired to stick to my guns on this now.

9.30 for the 12 year old/ 10 for the 15 year old. Outside on charge.

Im going to go buy an extension cable and alarm clocks so they can't complain.

So far the 12 year old agrees and the 15 year old says 11pm not 10 and he will throw the radio out the window.

With an attitude like that I would make it 9:30.

I agree. It's enforcing it that's difficult - I have no power beyond confiscation and stopping money. He's not compliant.

Stick to your guns Noeuf! Take the radio away (and change the wifi password- teenagers can be impressively sneaky).

I'd be sending the 15 year old to bed at 7 if he's going to behave like a tired toddler

This is why I stay with MN. Moral support.

I just want to wipe the slate clean, do it all well and enjoy parenting. I feel like a massive failure for not being happy/ them being rude etc.

I really feel devices are awful - the YouTube stuff, the lack of time spent reading, the constant chat with other teens etc.

Unless he has a job and his own property then you control everything!
Want to go on the day out?
Meet mates?
Have a phone at all?
Use WIFI?
Get cash?
Then behave. Don't fall into the trap of assuming you can't actually issue consequences.
Stay calm. Issue consequence. Move away. Allow take up time. Don't stick around for the back chat. Be clear and consistent.
And remember they have to leave home eventually!

X post.
NOT a failure. Teens challenge. It's what they do. It's normal and healthy for them to test boundaries. It's just up to us to decide on limits and enforce consequences.

Thank you. I mean that.

My DC’s are at Uni now but during their teens were addicted to their devices. We had a rule- everything in the study for charging at 9pm. No devices until homework, music practice and any sports clubs finished. We had a couple of occasions when DD was caught coming downstairs in the night to get her phone- she had it taken away for 2 weeks. No devices ever during meals or when we were out at a restaurant. According to DC’s we were totally unreasonable and none of their friends were treated like that ( we were no different from their friends parents).

It was tough and there were lots of arguments but it stuck to our rules.