how do you handle obnoxious teenagers?

[papayasareyum]

I’ve got three children. The eldest has her moments but is mostly lovely, reasonable and respectful and off to university in September. My 15 year old daughter is totally obnoxious about 80% of the time. She could argue with herself in an empty room. I’ve tried so many different techniques over the last couple of years: talking it through endlessly, love bombing, tough love etc etc....she’s got a very short temper, snaps constantly, says some truly awful things to me (like she wishes I was dead) and is so angry. She’s always had painful periods and has gone on the pill for that, which has helped with her moods somewhat. I do think she’s governed by her hormones. I suggested getting her some evening primrose oil to help with her mood swings and she told me to fuck off because “I don’t have mood swings”
She genuinely can’t see that her behaviour is unreasonable at all. She’s so volatile and everyone treads eggshells around her. I’m counting the days until she leaves for university at the moment, three long years to go...
If you’ve got a difficult teen, please talk to me, so I don’t feel quite so alone...and please tell me how you manage the behaviour. The most effective thing I’ve done is to ignore the bad and praise the good, but it does feel a bit wrong overlooking the downright vile comments. When I’ve confronted her over comments/behaviour, it’s just escalated and ultimately made the behaviour much worse in the short and long term, but I can’t ignore it either, can I?

It's so hard isn't it, and you're definitely not alone! I have similar issues with my 14 year old son. He can be truly awful sometimes and also says things like he wishes I was dead. He's generally moody and unpleasant. I also found that calling him out on his behaviour while he's in a mood is pointless and makes it worse. Last week my dh and I have been trying the praise strategy which is in the book Divas and Doorslammers, a really informative read, I'll keep you posted if it works!
Having a teenager really is the hardest stage, it really helps to talk to friends/relatives who've been through it, just to give you hope!

I'm going through same sort of difficult teen times with my DS who is 15. Being constantly moody and depressed since last 6 months. Having to hear all awful things being said when angry and slamming of doors constantly. Just lost as to where to get help as GP is not ready to give any medication and passed me to contact Camhs but they too are not ready to help saying he does not have a mental health issue and its more behavioural. His behaviour in general at school is good and no complaints from any of the teachers at all. I have tried asking him to see a counsellor or psychiatrist but he totally is refusing to see anyone or talk to us. I just hate to see him sad and depressed and feel so guilty that I am unable to help him in anyway.

Omg your daughter is my daughter.
She is also 15 and fucking horrid right now. She's rude, aggressive, argumentative and never wrong. Nothing is EVER her fault.
My daughter has also gone on the pill for painful and heavy periods but her mood is still vile and there's no pattern to it.
I have shut myself in my bedroom as I cannot be around her.
So yeah, no advice. I'm also counting down until she leaves for uni or moves out. She just makes family life unbearable.

Ignoring the bad behaviour works because you remove the audience and the performance stops sooner, it’s hard though. I won’t respond to requests unless they are made politely, I wil just remind them that I expect to be spoken to like a human being and walk away.

I work with teenagers in care .. However, I'm not expert!

I guess what works for me is to ignore the comments when they happen - there is absolutely no point in confrontation when they are in that kind of head space. However, I do follow up some of the bad behaviour (pick your battles wisely) in a really non-confronting way at a slightly later date. Teens respond to short sharp comments rather then long lectures. I will usually do this in the car because it feels less intense for them (as they dont have to look me in the eye while im talking).

Moving on quickly from bad behaviour is pretty important too. Don't bring it up weeks after the event. It's pointless.

..and remember it's not about you!

Blame my brain - is a really good book to by teens (if you can get them to read it ) but is also a good book for adults to read.

My son is an absolute nightmare and has been for several years. He’s 13 on Monday so not even a teen yet!

He’s rude every day, aggressive, violent at times and doesn’t listen to a word me or his dad say to him.

Our house is regularly a battle field and we have tried all the usual strategies such as taking his stuff off him, grounding him, not giving him any money etc. Also concentrated on rewarding good behaviour but this is tricky as he’s so naughty!

He’s always in trouble in school and on his last few warnings before he is permanently excluded.

I have now done the following

1. Completely detach. Every time he’s abusive or rude I calmly say ‘I’ll talk to you when you’re in a better frame of mind’ and walk away.

1. Do not take anything personally- I’ve heard everything from ‘go and kill your self- nobody likes you’, ‘go and die in a hole’ etc. He does not mean anything- he’s just angry and taking it out on a ‘safe’ person I.e someone who will love him unconditionally

1. Keep any communication brief and direct - teenagers are incapable I think of listening to more than a few words at a time

1. I always ask how is day is / if anything is ok. Most of the time I’ll get a grunt but occasionally he will engage briefly.

1. Try and give as much freedom as you’re comfortable with. My son is incredibly secretive but I know if I interfered or took a heavy approach he will do stuff anyway.

1. This is the most important- I’ve just discovered gin liqueur- (rhubarb and ginger flavour) I have just one each evening with lemonade and nothing seems quite as bad!

You’re a lot nearer the light at the end of the tunnel than I am so hang in there.

Hi Papa.

I have a 15 year old DS. Who is driving me crazy with his disrespectful, snarky behaviour. Trouble with police too.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. Its just a countdown till 18 for me. I've tried everything, everything. Read everything, literally every fucking thing.

But ultimately have found nothing works.

Except (maybe?) try and focus on your own life and detach from hers. But even that is easier said than done - who can do that when you are living with a person behaving this way. We just have to find a way.

ITs really, really sad though, I know.

I am so pleased to have found this thread. I have three teenagers, two boys aged 16 and 14 and a girl aged 13. The boys are fine but the girl is so moody/unreasonable/ argumentative/scornful that I really don't know how best to deal with her as nothing seems to work. I'm a single mum. its so nice to hear I'm not alone.

I'll second the rhubarb gin :)

Scornful sums up my daughter too. I heard her on facetime to a friend last night and the way she was speaking to them was as bad as the way she speaks to me. I did feel slightly smug in that it wasn't just me she's horrid to.

I compare the volatile moods to them being the suddenly stormy sea. I provide huge comfort by being the never-moving cliff they bash up against. They like the firm never-changing boundaries, ultimately. But don't do anything that makes the raging sea worse.

Sometimes what they say is just verbal diarrhea, an opinion. I can ignore that. Sometimes I ignore everything they say unless it's a direct question I know an answer to.

Pointed mean comments (like criticism directed at me or someone else present) is stuff I have to respond to, but I may just tell her to move out.

This can lead to this situation:

Her: "You're so messy mum. I can't stand how disgusting you are."
Me: (no reply)
Her: "Well! What are you going to say to that!"
Me: "I have no reply. You are entitled to your opinion."
Her:: "That's outrageous! You should listen to me."
Me: "I hear you. But I've nothing to say."
Her: sputter, sputter, says something too vile to ignore.
Me: "I don't speak to you like that, why do you think it's ok to speak to me like that? If you really hate me you can move out. I'll find you the number to social services."
Her: "You're a terrible mother!"
Me: "Does that mean you want me to find the number?"
Her: Stomps off in fury but then comes back to hug me & apologise 2 hours later.

No advice but sympathy. Ds1(14) is truely vile, obnoxious and quite unlikeable a lot of the time. I find it hurtful his lack of respect and lack of care and affection towards me.

Ds1 blames everyone else, for everything. Zero-responsibility for anything. Infuriating.

I'm soooooo pleased to have found this thread. I'm struggling with DD 14 who tells me that I'm the sole reason for her temper and foul mood. Nice to be labelled her "trigger"!! It has got to the point where I am unable to discuss anything with her. Apparently I ask too many questions.

She advises that me offering for her to have mates over to hang out or for me to drive her to various places so she can do the same is "annoying". It means that I am too involved in her life!

She has a 14 year old B/F whom I was talking to her about the other day, explaining that perhaps she might want to be a little more considerate towards his feelings as she is particularly blunt with him and she asked me if perhaps I might want to go out with him instead of her! OMG I could have throttled the wee madam!!

She has turned from a lovely, kind, friendly girl into someone that I barely recognized. She screams at me to get out of her room, refuses to pass her phone over at night without a fight and bluntly answers "i'm not" or "no" to reasonable requests.

I am truly at my wits end with her. She has brought me to tears lately and has a smart remark like "oh and you can just stop with the tears already". I'm wandering if she is actually going to break me before she comes out the other side.

I know that I should just ignore this behavior and walk away, but my husband and I moved to New Zealand from the UK, leaving behind all of our family and good friends to give our kids a good place to grow up in. Knowing this, I find her behavior and down right rudeness impossible to ignore! there are days when i want to get in my car and drive far, far away and not come back!

I share your pain! I have DSs aged 13 and 15, and the 15yo is particularly vile. I find insisting that they eat helps - they get totally absorbed in the game they're on and get more bad tempered but don't want to stop to eat. Sometimes I just hand them toast without saying anything, and a few minutes later they can talk to be like I'm a human being again. And the rhubarb gin really helps. It's great with elderflower cordial and sparkling water

Mine isn't too bad but he has his stroppy moments. I either ignore or tell him to go to his room until he can be civil. He stomps off but usually comes back and says sorry and gives me or his dad a hug.

I pick my battles, I ignore a minor strop, I don't ignore him if he's outright rude.

He behaves at school and had a nice report from work experience, so I know he can be charming when he wants to be. He also volunteered at parkrun for a few weeks and it was nice to see him smiling while doing it. So he's ok really.

Like others have said it is reassuring just to know I am not alone! 14 year old boy/girl twins. With my son it's the arguing, shirking chores/ homework, moaning, faddy eating (WHEN is going to outgrow that?!),refusal to wash (!), with daughter it's the extreme mood swings, secretive behaviour, Snapchat obsession, rude and sarky comments ALL the time. It is so wearing and also makes me really sad. I look back at pics of when they were small and the song 'Slipping through my fingers' plays through my head. They were both so desperately wanted and it breaks my heart that I feel like I don't really know them any more. I don't want to wish the time away but at the moment it's hard to enjoy their company 😥

Ignore
Switch off the WiFi
Get them on an ultra healthy diet to sort out their hormones

No advice but I feel your pain. I feel almost like I have lost the lovely girl my dd used to be. She’s 17 now and has been a nightmare since 16. Gave up school, promised to get a job, refused to get a job, got a job, gave up after three weeks ( because a full time job is too tiring!!) No help around the house, completely uninterested in family, brother or grandparents, rude, etc. Truly awful and any intervention just gets turned into it being my fault for some reason, basically I’m not allowed to say anything or I get told I have no faith in her and make her feel like shit. They are just completely bonkers at this age. I’m just ignoring it all at the moment and she spends most of her time at the boyfriends. You just can’t believe tbat your child could be like this, it’s heartbreaking.

All this takes me back! They do ‘come out the other side’ but my God, it’s a struggle. Whatever you do, whatever strategies you try to deal with it all, you will nearly always be wrong. Having lived through this, all I can suggest is that you stay as calm as you can, be as consistent as you can, and wear a tin hat.

Mine is just horrible and ungrateful with a tiny window of the lovely child she was. I also recommend ignore most of it and pull them on bad manners.

This is encouraging! We are not alone. I will find something to praise in my huge 14yo boy today...
maybe today we will have a good moment to file away as a precious memory. I’m going to try writing down the good bits, as I find it so easy to start dwelling on the negative behaviour.
Good luck everyone, & may today be a good teen day!

Thanks for the reassuring words. It’s great to know I’m not alone with this. I’m also counting down to 18!

Can I just tell you all that I was that snarky teenager 15years ago. I have a lovely mum but bloody hell I was mean to her. I was rude, critical and obnoxious with zero empathy. I was judgemental and basically a complete arsehole. My mum ignored an awful lot and I think it was just growing up that gave me the empathy. I used to not understand how hurtful I was being. My mum bursting into tears brought me up short though so feel free to cry! They will act like they don’t care but I did deep down!

Funnily enough I now work with teenagers. When they are stroppy I ignore, I don’t prise information out of them I just remain calm and ignore the strop. Unless they are rude and then it gets called out.

Hang in there all! I was an utter bitch but I have a very close relationship with my parents now and have turned into a decent human being

Thank goodness I've found this thread, as I was just about to post something similar! Despite doing well in his GCSEs and getting his choice of staying at his current school Sixth Form, DS2 has just become the vilest, rude aggressive ball of fire recently. He has dyslexia and finds a lot of things hard work, so I try to help/ cut him as much slack as possible. This morning, however, he was just downright rude to me - swore and called DH & I 'f*cking weirdos' for 'hanging around the kitchen' when his girlfriend came over and saying hello. (It was 6pm and I was making dinner - DH had just come in and was chatting/having a glass of wine, so we were doing what we normally do at 6pm .
He is meant to be going out tonight to an event a few miles away which we were going to drive him to/pick him up from later.
I've told him he wasn't going and to let his friend know.
That was two hours ago and we haven't spoken since. I'm not sure what to do next! His friend was meant to be arriving in a couple of hours.
If he'd apologised I'd probably have relented, but now I feel in limbo. How do you stop a 6ft 1 teenage boy from leaving the house anyway???

Mine is 29 and he is still vile to me... Thankfully he doesn't live at home now so I only see him when he wants something and I absolutely dread it.