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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

how do you handle obnoxious teenagers?

42 replies

papayasareyum · 10/07/2018 12:19

I’ve got three children. The eldest has her moments but is mostly lovely, reasonable and respectful and off to university in September. My 15 year old daughter is totally obnoxious about 80% of the time. She could argue with herself in an empty room. I’ve tried so many different techniques over the last couple of years: talking it through endlessly, love bombing, tough love etc etc....she’s got a very short temper, snaps constantly, says some truly awful things to me (like she wishes I was dead) and is so angry. She’s always had painful periods and has gone on the pill for that, which has helped with her moods somewhat. I do think she’s governed by her hormones. I suggested getting her some evening primrose oil to help with her mood swings and she told me to fuck off because “I don’t have mood swings”
She genuinely can’t see that her behaviour is unreasonable at all. She’s so volatile and everyone treads eggshells around her. I’m counting the days until she leaves for university at the moment, three long years to go...
If you’ve got a difficult teen, please talk to me, so I don’t feel quite so alone...and please tell me how you manage the behaviour. The most effective thing I’ve done is to ignore the bad and praise the good, but it does feel a bit wrong overlooking the downright vile comments. When I’ve confronted her over comments/behaviour, it’s just escalated and ultimately made the behaviour much worse in the short and long term, but I can’t ignore it either, can I?

OP posts:

Mrsramsayscat · 28/08/2018 14:09

One of mine has been difficult, so I have a lot of empathy. He still is, sometimes (17).

I have implemented a couple of boundaries, which I've won. One is if he swears at me, he will lose his phone. Because I don't pay for this for people who disrespect me like that. He soon learned. I won't offer lifts and do favours for people who have just been impolite and unpleasant to me, also.

I have had zero joy on the staying up too late and the getting up at lunchtime, though.

Stans1c · 28/08/2018 14:25

This site was recommended to me recently by a friend as I too am at a loss with my daughter. She is 14.5 and for the last 8 months our lives have completely revolved around her obnoxious, selfish, self centred behaviour. Every little thing is a drama, she is lazy, apparently I never listen to the things that are going on in her life, she is so moody, pouts most if the time, rolls her eyes and huffs, and argues constantly with me. The most important thing in her life is how her makeup looks and whether her phone works properly! She has completely broken me down over the last few months mentally until now I just end up bursting into tears most days. The latest problem is getting her to go to sleep at night. She is supposed to read for 30 minutes before bed and settle down at 9.30pm but every night she is still awake at 11-11.30 shouting me with some made up problem. I just can't get a break from her and as our bedroom is next to hers, it is affecting mine and my husband's time together. She just says I'm the one being moody all the time and can't understand why I shout at her. I miss so much that time when she was a happy smiley little girl. I too look forward to when she moves out so that I can just feel happiness again. I have started to feel that if I'm making her feel that miserable, maybe I would be best moving out and letting her live her life without me. It is good to know though that there are others going through similar problems. I think the thing I worry about the most is that in years to come she will still blame me and see me as the reason why her teenage years were so bad.

greeneggblueegg · 28/08/2018 14:52

To be fair Stan I'd probably struggle to get my 10 yo to sleep at 9.30 especially during the summer hols

My 13 yo is generally in his room by about 9pm but he potters and "speaks" to his friends til about 10.30 at the moment. Pick your battles!

Mrsramsayscat · 28/08/2018 17:42

I agree Stan, that 1030 is more reasonable for her age.

Stans1c · 28/08/2018 19:38

Yeh to be fair during the holidays she has been in bed later, plus we've been on holiday too. However the next couple of years are extremely important at school for her and as she is up at 6 in the morning I do want to make sure she has sufficient sleep. She has on a number of occasions fallen asleep at school so this has become a sore area with us.

Stans1c · 28/08/2018 19:48

Plus also forgot that Friday nights is her night until whatever time she wants to go to bed and Saturday is until 10.30pm. It's hard to get the right balance.

greeneggblueegg · 28/08/2018 19:56

I'd just cut yourself some slack for the rest of the hols. Address bedtimes again when she's back at school

greeneggblueegg · 28/08/2018 19:57

With the clear understanding she is to keep quiet in her room and give you some peace.

Mrsramsayscat · 29/08/2018 07:37

If she is falling asleep at school, remove her phone at night. It really works. Tech equipment is a privilege they earn, if they can't manage it properly. When they are older they thank you. They can't manage the friendship stuff and constant updates late at night.

Sostenueto · 29/08/2018 07:48

Teenagers brains are going through a complete rewire during this time. Raging hormones too thrown into the mix. Also all the bad behaviour is their way of trying to find themselves and to gain independence and space. These are troubling times for children in their teens on top of all the peer pressure, social media and harder examinations. If you can understand all the complexities that make up your teens behaviour and the causes then life will become easier and letting go will become easier.

VanillaMapleSyrup · 29/08/2018 07:56

Massive placemark.

One of my former neighbours put a birthday greeting to her teenage daughter on Facebook the other day. It read something like : "Happy birthday to this one (photo of DD), often irritating but I will always love her."

I'm so mixed about this. Why publicise negative behaviour, particularly on her birthday?!! If I was the girl, I'd be in a strop with my mum for the rest of my life.

lisaorris99 · 29/08/2018 08:10

I’m a secondary school teacher and head of year. Been doing this for 25 years so have seen a lot of teenagers come and go!

We see pupils come into year 7 as lovely sweet and enthusiastic children, some turn pretty horrible in the middle (year 9-11 is worst) but almost all by the end of sixth form are great again.

We are lucky in school really in that most pupils understand the consequences of unacceptable behaviour and more or less keep a lid on the way they behave in school. Sometimes I think they store it up until they get home!

I think what they eat has a huge impact. If you can get them to eat something that gets their blood sugar stable it really does affect their mood (many schools brought in breakfast clubs for this reason and saw a huge difference in behaviour)

I’m just glad I can leave them at school and for now come home to a peaceful home!

Stans1c · 29/08/2018 09:21

We are already taking her phone away because I don't feel that it's necessary for her to have it at night. When it's downstairs with us it flashes and buzzes for hours. When you check it in the morning there are still messages flying around in the early hours of the morning so I made it a rule that phones and I pads are taken away at Bedtime. Again, although it's a routine at bedtime, it still causes an argument every night.

NotTheWayISeeIt · 29/08/2018 10:09

queribus · 29/08/2018 18:29

Place marking for later when I've a bit more time. Glad to know I'm not alone. Dd 13 is truly horrid at the moment - managed to pretty much ruin a short family holiday, and I'm at my wits end

Panda812 · 30/08/2018 14:33

Thank goodness I have found this! My DD is 18 and is often vile, mean, rude, disrespectful and I really don’t like her. Every now and again there will be a glimmer of the child I knew......she brings me to tears and then callls me “a victim”! She usually apologises, but I feel so guilty for looking forward to when she moves out. I thought there was something wrong with me as no one talks openly about this. I love her, she’s an amazing girl, I just reallly, really don’t like her right now.
I am trying not to take it personally, but being a pre-menopausal, single parent with ailing parents, that’s not always easy. I can only try to keep it all on context, keep trying to communicate and not take the bait and hope to goodness that she will come out of it. I wish you all the best of luck with all this.......maybe we should all reconvene in a year and compare notes! X

Wonderwine · 01/09/2018 15:01

Is this time of year a particularly bad time for teenage anger and meltdowns?? Just had another angry outburst from DS2 (16) for daring to suggest that he begin to get things organised for Sixth Form on Tuesday. The thing is that I know there are forms he has been sent which he hasn't returned and an audition thingy for drama which he hasn't booked.
He has dyslexia, poor short term memory and processing issues and admin stuff has always been an issue hence why I tend to nudge him, but I've just been told to back off with lots of accusations about how DH & I are ruining his life .

Think he might be feeling the stress of the move into sixth form and the impending loss of his elder sibling to university.
Anyone else's teens seem particularly volatile at the moment?

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