14yo and thong bikini (and other sexy outfits)

[lawn]

Thoughts please - just found the bottom half of a thong bikini in the laundry which DD1 (14) has bought. Took me a while to figure out what it was God knows what the top half looks like ...

DD has developed a conventionally "sexy" body and is keen to show it off - her clothes have got more and more revealing lately. (She also wears very sexy underwear, but that's her business.) I did start out being quite strict about it but then backed off and started letting her make her own choices (except when she put on a cropped strappy low-cut vest top and teenytiny shorts to go to a voluntary work interview - which led to a blazing row ...).

She also posts selfies on social media which are fairly borderline, but not quite inappropriate enough to warrant challenging ...

If I do question her (lack of) clothing, she demands reasons and it's so hard to explain without sending awful judgy messages about female sexuality. I refuse to use words like "tarty", and I don't want her to feel blamed for male responses to her body, but where does that leave me?

So I've let things be for a while and trusted her to make her own choices but this bloody thong has crossed a line and I think the conversation may need to be revived. She's going abroad on a course this summer and I guess she's planning to wear it then, when we're not around.

In principle, I of course believe in women's freedom to wear whatever the hell they choose, but I also worry about the brainwashing effect of porn culture which puts pressure on very young girls to be ultrasexual before they're ready. She of course believes she's immune to all those influences.

Who's had a successful conversation with their DD on this and navigated the topic satisfactorily?

No experience in this, so I can’t give you any advice. This is a tough one....

On the one hand your daughter should be able to wear what she wants. But..... it doesn’t sound age appropriate. She’s a 14 year old CHILD.

Personally (and call me old fashioned) I think it’s sad that a 14 year old child (not woman, child) is so sexualised) - not your doing at all BTW.

The sad thing is she will be judged by what she wears. At 14 she isn’t mature enough to deal with the male attention she is likely to attract.

No advice but i am facing exactly the same with my 14 year old. So much harder in the hot weather! As with your job scenario i sometimes diacuss what is appropriate for that particular situation, but only gets you so far . . .. hoping someone else has wise words

Ooo this is a tough one isn't it?!
I suppose it was ever thus. But what with the pornification of society it's just gotten a bit extreme. Do her friends wear this type of thing?

My dd is 13 and went to a party last weekend in a short ( but not knicker showing) skirt and a slightly cropped tshirt and trainers. My mum was scandalised at the “amount of flesh” she was showing
Compared to 80 % of the girls there she was very covered up.
We do have certain rules such as boobs OR legs, not both but fortunately she doesn’t like wearing anything too revealing
She does have some things but only because they don’t give vpl under her tight yoga pants
It’s really hard because she shouldn’t have to cover up to avoid unwanted attention but I think she probably does

THANK YOU all for your non-judgemental replies. Glad (in a way) that I'm not alone.

THANK YOU all for your non-judgemental replies. Glad (in a way) that I'm not alone.

Oops sorry. To continue:

Oops sorry. To continue:

I've put the bikini bottoms away and will have a chat at a convenient moment or when she asks where they are! I think I need to give her some extreme hypothetical examples in order to demonstrate that SOME boundaries are necessary. Yes it makes me very sad too. Maybe she's kicking back against me and my feminism - I'm fairly liberal which means there's a limited number of things she can rebel against!

Yeah, I’m all for not making a woman feel judged for her body etc but she’s 14. I teach 14yo girls, if school got wind of those kind of outfits it would potentially be a child protection issue (not saying that to scare you, just thinking about how we’ve handled over sexualised girls at school). Also, I don’t think her undies are her business, my Mum was very much involved in the buying of my underwear until I was in sixth form and more “adult”/has a proper boyfriend etc. I really don’t think at 14 she’s quite there yet.

Oh those thong bikinis on a 14 year old! Hell no haha!

Yes this is a minefield of a situation. I have a 15 year old daughter and I use humour to guide her with ‘less appropriate’ clothing. She showed me a dress online for her best friends party the other day and it was too short and low cut in my opinion. She asked me what I thought about it and I said ‘it’s great if you want the whole world to see most of your boobs and backside’ and ‘you’ll be batting the boys off for all the wrong reasons wearing that’. She laughed and said ‘you’re right’ and picked something a little less revealing. I felt cruel in doing it but she’s 15. She’s had previous issues with a ‘few’ boys not respecting her boundaries whilst wearing a crop top and jeans let alone wearing a more revealing dress!

Let me point out I’m not trying to demonise all boys/men. It was a ‘few’ boys. One of whom inappropriately touched her boobs and did it again when asked not too.

But as to how to deal with that ‘thong bikini’....
I’d be tempted to put it on myself and let my daughter see me parading around in it whilst saying ‘ooooo I quite fancy one of these for myself’. My daughter wouldn’t go near it again!

Like above poster I also use humour. My 13 year old DSD came down the other week in a pair of shorts so short that her bottom was hanging out. I suggested she change as her dad has a rule that shorts need to be longer than your knickers!!!

Yeah MellowMelly it definitely crossed my mind to threaten to wear a matching one

Perhaps you could explain that while of course it is her right to display her body how she chooses, that dressing like that will definitely attract male attention. Whilst male attention initially can feel gratifying, after awhile it can become at minimum annoying and at maximum - dangerous. You acknowledge that women shouldn't be responsible for the male gaze but sadly some see it as an invitation.

For me, the thong would be a step too far and I would confiscate. Crop tops don't bother me but actual bottom out is too much!

Wise words MoonMutha, thank you. (It's already hidden away!)

who's buying them all these inappropriate clothes/where are they getting the money from? I think 14 is a bit early to hand over responsibility for how they dress, even if it means the odd fight (though I've got the opposite problem and am currently engaged in a stand off with my DD over whether a huge hoodie is suitable garb for a wedding at the height of summer somewhere scorchio).

She has a clothes allowance, which I'm fine with as long as she's making sensible choices which she did until recently. I'm not going to police every garment or start choosing her clothes for her, but obviously if she carries on with this sort of thing then the allowance can always be rethought.

Well in my daughters case this is money saved from Xmas, Birthdays and chores. Also I was buying my own clothes at 14 with my money saved. It can offer some valuable lessons to money management.

I encourage my daughter to buy online so I can see and potentially discourage any clothes I see as too revealing. She can then ‘go out’ shopping with her friends for accessories.

The unfortunate problem is that the younger generation truly believe less is more in regards to fashion. Unfortunately social media, certain TV programmes and advertising are heavily influential. My daughter dresses far more sedately than her friends which I’m pleased about!

My daughter is 14 and there is no chance I’d let her wear a thong bikini!

Helpful, sexnotgender. What reasons would you give your 14 yo for this? Because banning it will probably just result in her wearing things in secret.

Clothes aren't just about attracting or avoiding attention, are they? They're for protection, against heat and cold, bumps and scrapes. If you trip over and fall full length on the pavement, or come off your bike, you'll do yourself less damage if you're wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt than if you're wearing shorts and a vest. Less danger of sunburn in trousers and top with sleeves and moderately high neckline.

Because she’s 14 and still a child and a thong bikini is inappropriate on a child.

Honestly thong bikini just makes me think of the aptly named stringfellow.

Maybe show her a picture of that?

I do like the idea of you buying your own and wearing it around the house to do chores though

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3207066-I-WILL-tell-my-daughter-to-moderate-her-behaviour

This was a thread I posted in the aftermath of the Ulster Rugby rape trial. Your thread made me think about it again.

I would tell her the reason is two fold.

First, she’s a child.

Second, when she earns her own money and lives in her own house then she can buy, and wear, what she wants.