14yo and thong bikini (and other sexy outfits)

[lawn]

Thoughts please - just found the bottom half of a thong bikini in the laundry which DD1 (14) has bought. Took me a while to figure out what it was God knows what the top half looks like ...

DD has developed a conventionally "sexy" body and is keen to show it off - her clothes have got more and more revealing lately. (She also wears very sexy underwear, but that's her business.) I did start out being quite strict about it but then backed off and started letting her make her own choices (except when she put on a cropped strappy low-cut vest top and teenytiny shorts to go to a voluntary work interview - which led to a blazing row ...).

She also posts selfies on social media which are fairly borderline, but not quite inappropriate enough to warrant challenging ...

If I do question her (lack of) clothing, she demands reasons and it's so hard to explain without sending awful judgy messages about female sexuality. I refuse to use words like "tarty", and I don't want her to feel blamed for male responses to her body, but where does that leave me?

So I've let things be for a while and trusted her to make her own choices but this bloody thong has crossed a line and I think the conversation may need to be revived. She's going abroad on a course this summer and I guess she's planning to wear it then, when we're not around.

In principle, I of course believe in women's freedom to wear whatever the hell they choose, but I also worry about the brainwashing effect of porn culture which puts pressure on very young girls to be ultrasexual before they're ready. She of course believes she's immune to all those influences.

Who's had a successful conversation with their DD on this and navigated the topic satisfactorily?

chocolatesprinkle neither one is the real reason, though. Is it?

Thanks all, especially to those who understand my dilemma without judgement, and appreciate that the conversation will need to be a nuanced one. I have all the views I need now and it's helped me think things through.

I’m guessing that those who are declaring that 14 is still a child don’t actually have a 14 yr old DD. They really aren’t children and can’t be policed like a 4 year old.

I'd ask her why she wants to wear such revealing clothes. Is she trying to get attention?
Personally, I hate seeing young girls in revealing clothes, it makes them look cheap, the same goes for men who walk around with no top on.
It also saddens me that my young daughters see girls dressing like this & will think this is how to dress.

☺️ thanks @lawn I was trying to think back to my teenage years and why I did the things I did! I remember I was desperate for everyone to find me attractive/pretty. I wish I had been taught to find my value outside looks. This may not be the case for your daughter but it's something to ponder on.

You're right, MoonMutha. That's a conversation we've had a lot. She gets a LOT of attention for her looks even without wearing skimpy outfits, and has been scouted by a couple of major model agencies - so we've frequently discussed how to put all that in perspective. She definitely needs to build her confidence in other areas, and we're working on that.

It's definitely more complex than simply "you're a child" or "you look cheap". She of course won't be wearing the thong, but there are underlying issues for us to look at together.

Thanks to you and others who've been sensitive and supportive on this one.

Unfortunately teenage girls are very influenced by celebrities they see a on tv and social media. Everyone wants to look like a Victoria Secret model or a Love Island contestant and you only have to look at the posing pictures of young girls on their social media to see how this has influenced them.

It is so hard to get the balance right between teaching girls to be confident while at the same time making them understand how they can be perceived by not dressing appropriately for their age.

Oh that flipping Love Island! It has a lot to answer for!
I don’t let my daughter watch it but if I go out shopping etc...I know she sneaks it on. I’ve seen it twice and I was slightly mortified. I know kids aren’t their target audience but come on! They sneak it on or watch it at their friends house.
They seem to all do the rounds with each other on that show? What is that teaching girls and boys?

...and they wear those thong bikinis!

I agree Mellow it’s pretty sad really that depspite all the recent discussions about pay equality, #me too and the Suffragettes the main influences on young girls today are pretty girls wearing skimpy clothes, playing dumb to try to get a man

I'd go down the hygiene route.

Does she really want to put her bare bum on a plastic pool chair?

Insect bites are another issue, not pretty and painful on the butt.

string up the arse isnt a good look on anyone, although presumably she isnt wearing that alone when leaving the house?

pouty internet pics are more of a concern,sounds like she needs the use your brain talk on that.