No not out of life, but out of being a mother to my kids. I'm SERIOUS. I know talking about it often means you're not serious, but I am serious.
I have just been out for a meal with my daughter, and she was so vile - that doesn't even sum it up: there are no words to describe the evilness of her. We were in the restaurant (finally, after she had attacked me with intense viciousness for not finding somewhere sooner; that this was 'her worst nightmare' ie looking for somewhere to eat) and I just started to cry and cry. I went to the loo but couldn't stop. I just can't take it any more.
Ds is doing his exams and doesn't let me know how he is doing. I asked and he said it was none of my business.
In short, my kids are vicious and bullying towards me. I have taken it bcs they are grieving thier father (my ex-husband), but something tells me they are taking the piss, hanging their nastiness on a convenient hook. It is not the first time someone close has decided to pump their shit in my direction bcs they aren't inclined to face it themselves. I have tried to be kind, tough, caring, supportive, sensible, wise. My kids are taking the piss out of me so badly I can't take it any more.
I want to get out. Dd has been through a very bad crisis and I have done my best to support her in it (mainly bcs I was terrified she would kill herself). She seems to be through the worst - thanks to my care it has to be said. Ds is so openly contemptuous - not even aggressively contemptuous iyswim (which would suggest he cares somewhere in there) but genuinely comptemptuous, like I am not worth flicking his eyeballs in my direction.
I'm going to go on in fact...
They are currently going through probate. Ex's (my kids' dad's) vile revolting hideous family are hanging me out to dry, using the kids as a human shield so I can't bite back, or do anything about it. They are fucking my kids over big time, but my kids are too charmed by them, or need them too much - they have made it clear that unless the kids dance to their tune, they'll get nothing of their dad's, and will be cast out from the family. So I've taken this and taken it. And taken it. Been the fucking martyr, the one who stands in the gap and absorbs all the shit so my kids don't get it. And I do wonder if I have been a fool and got it hideously wrong. Because my kids are MONSTERS.
So I want to go. I want to pack up and go. I would actually like to sell this house (the scene of years of misery one way or another). My daughter cut all her hair off the other day (how COULD I think of leaving her? Believe me I COULD) and after all the shock, it looked bloody good, like a load of shit had been cut away. That's how I feel: I want to seriously cut back my life, and drop my kids. I'll always be their mother, but I don't want the job.