I want out

[matilda57]

No not out of life, but out of being a mother to my kids. I'm SERIOUS. I know talking about it often means you're not serious, but I am serious.

I have just been out for a meal with my daughter, and she was so vile - that doesn't even sum it up: there are no words to describe the evilness of her. We were in the restaurant (finally, after she had attacked me with intense viciousness for not finding somewhere sooner; that this was 'her worst nightmare' ie looking for somewhere to eat) and I just started to cry and cry. I went to the loo but couldn't stop. I just can't take it any more.

Ds is doing his exams and doesn't let me know how he is doing. I asked and he said it was none of my business.

In short, my kids are vicious and bullying towards me. I have taken it bcs they are grieving thier father (my ex-husband), but something tells me they are taking the piss, hanging their nastiness on a convenient hook. It is not the first time someone close has decided to pump their shit in my direction bcs they aren't inclined to face it themselves. I have tried to be kind, tough, caring, supportive, sensible, wise. My kids are taking the piss out of me so badly I can't take it any more.

I want to get out. Dd has been through a very bad crisis and I have done my best to support her in it (mainly bcs I was terrified she would kill herself). She seems to be through the worst - thanks to my care it has to be said. Ds is so openly contemptuous - not even aggressively contemptuous iyswim (which would suggest he cares somewhere in there) but genuinely comptemptuous, like I am not worth flicking his eyeballs in my direction.

I'm going to go on in fact...

They are currently going through probate. Ex's (my kids' dad's) vile revolting hideous family are hanging me out to dry, using the kids as a human shield so I can't bite back, or do anything about it. They are fucking my kids over big time, but my kids are too charmed by them, or need them too much - they have made it clear that unless the kids dance to their tune, they'll get nothing of their dad's, and will be cast out from the family. So I've taken this and taken it. And taken it. Been the fucking martyr, the one who stands in the gap and absorbs all the shit so my kids don't get it. And I do wonder if I have been a fool and got it hideously wrong. Because my kids are MONSTERS.

So I want to go. I want to pack up and go. I would actually like to sell this house (the scene of years of misery one way or another). My daughter cut all her hair off the other day (how COULD I think of leaving her? Believe me I COULD) and after all the shock, it looked bloody good, like a load of shit had been cut away. That's how I feel: I want to seriously cut back my life, and drop my kids. I'll always be their mother, but I don't want the job.

Good point 4sons (and if you've got 4 of em, I'm all ears LOL).

All hell broke loose this morning (no exams today). Dd is SO abusive: if I set a boundary she screams she won't be bullied or controlled. I said if she wanted a lift she had to keep QUIET. (Please don't anyone jump in with 'don't give them lifts' - it is not straightforward.) So she sat in the back sending abusive texts (she can - regularly - send 20 in one go: 'You are a whore' etc). In a free moment, I sent her a text saying I would no longer receive abusive texts from her, and forwarded it back to her, plus the subsequent 3, without reading them.

I will give them food, plus lifts when they need them (not want them). I will keep everything ticking over PRACTICALLY during their exams. I need to write a list of what I WILL do, not what I won't; what I am prepared to do ie the bare minimum. Give them an inch etc! I tell you, my kids have hung me out to dry. I am horrified it has come to this. BUT, as you say 4sons, I'm taking a step back. Or a football field back actually. My daughter, in particular, is a monster. They had a great long talk last night, like two witches in a coven. Who was it said I should keep them apart? Ds is a foot taller than me, dd a martial artist. So how, pray tell, do I keep them apart? It won't be easy, but I will do it, at least in my own home.

I'll have a go at the laughing thing - though not 'to' them (I'd get myself killed if I did that tbh)

Matilda, it sounds like you have a plan of what you are going to do, support them practically without getting too involved and tell them what you are prepared to do for them. I am sure it will be easier said than done so good luck with it.

Like 4sons suggested, have you got places to go in the evening to get out of the house to get some space from them? I know it is completely different, but I lived in an awful flat share once with two witches and I just used to get out of the house. Staying in was just too damaging.

abusiv texts = no phone.

not straigght forward - kiss my arse. if she wants to get somewhere and needs you do do it - she treats you with respect.

how the hell have you become the big pile of turd in this situation?

i think its time somone opened their eyes.

public school? kiss my arse - i wouldnt be beholdant to a bunch of money grabbin mother fuckers for anything not ANYTHING

i have pride - and i would rahter my children go to a local comp than have my pride reduced by those scum sucking bastards.

mum has money - you might not have a lot - but when it comes to "can i have2 who do they go to?

they sound spoiled.

bout time you hyped it up a bit IMO. with lots of " your dad left us no money. sorry i can't afford it"

i would brook no shit.
kids would go to local comp

you carry on the fight for what belongs to your kids.

but as far as your kids behaviour goes - i think they need reminding how people live in the real world.

whats really going on at your house.

my kids are mortified when i cry.

3 teenagers - mortified. my daughter can occasionally be horrid. for instance the other day i shouted up stairs to her "xxxxx"....silence " xxxx" i wanted to show her a new coat and shoes i had bought her off the internet. ad she replied " GOD IVE TURNED IT DOWN ALREaDY!" so appauled was i at her tone. i calmy said " thats not why i wnted you" and walked away. she came down an apologised.

unless they have s phycological problem, i would suggest that metaphoricaly speaking they only throw stones at you becuase they think you can take it.

how about sitting them down and spelling it out.

and it is that simple.

if you have arrangements to see the god damned queenof england and she speaks to you like shit.

the queen would be dissapointed.

if she need a mobile phone - then maybe she should think about how she fucking uses it? eh?

take it away.

it is that easy

its very easy.

if other people are let down - it isn't your fault. its theirs.

my daughter once spat out horrid comments in a rampage - i calmly went to the kitchen retrieved a glass of water and probltly threw it over her. with a calm " how dare you" she had to get changed - re do make up etc.

my kids want money - they do something for it. mow the lawn promise to do 3 lots of washing .... they wash their own uniform if it gets irty during the week, iron it too.

I am astonished by what you have put up with already. One text like that to me and the car would have been heading for home.
I think you are the one being bullied and controlled- I hope the withdrawal of all but basics works for you. I wouldn't include cooking as a basic- they will not starve, exams or not, even if they have to survive on eggs and beans and toast.
I think your son should be out of that school and you should find something you want to do and that satisfies you and do it.
I hope it goes well for you. It sounds like you have been heroic.

Thank you all for your responses. It helps to have people TALK to me tbh. A lot of people can't take it and walk away!

I wonder how many of you have teens? Maybe a lot bcs you're on this forum! Public school was evil ex's idea. If evil ex didn't get his way, he hammered me in the courts - central london hotshot lawyers. The judge saw him coming, noticed his old school tie, and they were the bestest mates. I am NOT being victimy here - this really did happen (over and over). Can you see why I want to get the hell out? I've been pummelled half to death and I just want to GO. Today I want to go for good - I just don't want to live anymore.

If ds had wanted to move schools, ok. As he didn't then there was no court in the land that would have supported me in moving him - ex would have taken me to court. Then ex died, and I could've moved him then. What, just when his dad has died? in the middle of his GCSEs. Not that simple. I have got him a place at a state school for 6th form.

If I poured a glass of water over my daughter's head I would be physically attacked. Yes, it has got that bad. Did I ever ever ever believe it would get like this? NO!!

It's absolute hell. I have been everywhere trying to get support, but drawn a total resounding blank. I'm in a bad way. I have been too fucking good to them. I think dd does have psychological/psychiatric problems. But where to go??? THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE.

there is actually.

social services. dont freak out. its not as drastic as you think.. you tell them the problems and i guarentee they wont come storming in - seriously they have better things to do - however they know the agencies int he area that will be able to help you.

it was social services that put me onto the west sussex drug action team after i begged them to talke my eldest son way they told me to behave miself and that he was my responsability until he was 18.

no shit said i? well then, if i can't give im away its my way or i'm gonna kill him.

so my way it was.

if i was attacked i would phone the police.

glad to hear about 6th form btw - i think you've made a great decision there welld one you

take that bleedin phone off your daughter.

Good advice there from Custy, Matilda.

We're all essentially saying the same thing which is to take charge.

For perfectly understandable reasons, you're finding ways of not taking charge (fear your daughter will commit suicide etc).

You have 2 choices now.

Carry on being an emotional punchbag till you end up suicidal

or

Take Custy's advice, get SS in, call police if necessary if things get violent.

You obviously don't see it that simply because you're in the middle of it, but we aren't so we do.

The irony is that I have advised and supported victims of domestic abuse for years and years... and here I am, in a domestic abuse situation, with all the attendant fear, depression, hopelessness, suicidal what-nots. It doesn't have to be your partner!

My dd is 19, so social services wouldn't apply I don't think. Ds is 16, but nowhere near as bad.

I think I've been so ground down by it that I can't see straight at all. I long to leave them, as I longed to leave their dad (and eventually did). I do wonder if you've been bitten once you have a weakness again ie being abused. What message got lodged in my psyche, somewhere along the line, that I deserve this? Else why would it repeatedly happen? I was abused by my siblings - scapegoat. And here we bloody well are again GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Matilda, i cant give much advice i'm afraid because, although i do have a teenage son, i've not been in your situation.

I really do feel for you tho, and can totally understand how it could escalate to such out of control proportions. When it comes to protecting children, i think we all do what we think is the best thing (at the time) in the hope of saving them from any hurt and upset.

That said, I do believe that Custy has given some good advice and that you really do have to get tough with these children of yours. I also agree that they do sound spoilt and that phone would be out of DD's hands so quick she wouldn't even have time to send you a text to object!!

I will keep an eye on this post to see how you are getting on and if i can scrape together even an ounce of advice, i will happily give it to you.

In the meantime, do try and be strong for your own sanity's sake and try and hold it together. If your kids see that you are getting upset, they will no doubt play on it and push your boundaries even more.

Big hugs to you Matilda. I am thinking of you xxxx

Matilda .

I think Custy has some good ideas. If you start involving social services they might just get a bit of a shock. Stop pating the phone bills, stop running around after them and doing stuff for them.

See that the timing is shocking - teenagers and exams are crapola.

Can you get them to go away in the summer hols so you can have some time on your own?

Matilda

Was just out in the garden and remembered something from way back...

An "acquaintance" when I was a teenager was shocking to her parents - she would repeatedly go out without telling them where she was at night and not come home, school were pulling their hair out, she was vile and rude to her parents - and as teenagers we were quite shocked about what she did.

One night there was a terrible fight with her parents and she called the police - saying that her parents were attacking her. Police turn up - see that she is not being attacked so then she says her father is abusing her (absolutely not true). So whole family carted off to police station in the middle of the night.

Anyway, the long and the short of it was that the police decided that she needed to be removed from family home for "her own safety" and she was put into care. She did not like this one bit - no money, not allowed out at night, nobody to run around after her. Gave her the shock of her life.
When everything was taken away she realised how much she had lost.

And after that - nobody wanted to have anything to do with her. She had a miserable time in sixth form and then after, apparently found religon...

So this is not practical help but I am hoping that you can take comfort that you are not alone in this.

Matilda, your children have no idea how lucky they are to have a mother like you. Big hugs for you for trying to protect your children from the in-laws.

My advice to you would be to sit down with your children, and tell them that you are all going to start from scratch now. You have had enough, you still love them but they can not continue to treat you this way. You will not pay for the phones, they will not get any lifts unless it is to and from school, no tv etc. All they will have is a bed to sleep in a duvet, a pillow a desk and a chair where they can do their homework. They will have no privileges whatsoever, and they will have to EARN it all back again.

In order to get their stuff back they will have to tell you that they love you/respect you, treat you with respect, offer to help out in the house (AND DO IT).

I don't have teenagers myself, but this is something I have heard done somewhere and it worked. It does sound hard, but if they don't like it and they do decide to move out, in my eyes you will still be able to walk tall. Their behaviour is outrageous, degrading to you and completely unacceptable.

was discussing something similar with a friend last night her son is just 16 and has been having lots of big problems with him, the advice my friend has been given from a WPC who is in the domestic violence unit was the next time ds is abusive towards you verbally or physically call the police, they have to come they will take him away/caution him or whatever.

What do you have to lose - if they end up living with your evil - outlaws you are no worse off, eventually the outlaws will say & do stuff and your dc will see what they are like for their own good.

so sorry you are going through this.

thank you again for your responses, and for caring - it means a lot.

Things have settled down (at least for now). What makes this hard is that they are grieving: this is the main reason dd is SO bad - she is having a breakdown. Yous say they are spoilt - I don't think they are, though I will think about it. I agree with the bed/desk/food/basic lifts idea and will keep that in my back pocket for when things kick off again. I definitely don't think I can do anything drastic now while they are taking their exams. Dd would be in hospital now if I weren't looking after her - she is very badly off. HOWEVER this doesn't excuse her abusing me. I have made that clear and I went out last night and switched off my phone, after I had sent a text saying I would no longer accept any abuse from her. the important thing is that I don't get angry, but firm/straight/strong. I managed that last night. ie NO DISCUSSION. (though she certainly tried it LOL).She had a very grim evening sobbing, but I didn't refer to it, just helped her to bed. You may think that is ott (putting her to bed) - I certainly don't do it every night LOL! - but she is like a small child at the mo, she has fallen apart.

As for dd's mobile: she is an adult, and it is not my place to remove her phone. I don't pay for either phones, they pay for them themselves (money from ILs) and tbh I need them to have them as much as they do (or ds does): if they didn't have mobiles I would never be able to track them down! If dd hadn't had a breakdown she would have flown the nest properly by now, but the massive shock of losing their dad has caused them both to regress - for now anyway. He died suddenly in a terrible accident - this is very hard on them (it would be hard on me, and I expect to be losing my parents at my age).

I'm having a good time socially, which certainly helps when things are so pants at home! It gives me a break from it all - I forget about them, and that is the bestest therapy EVER. I agree that something has to toughen up but for now I simply can't do that conclusively. Just another month and I'll move in with the riot police.

Talking of which, police have been invovled before now. It backfired very badly, and I won't be doing that again in a hurry.

If your dd is 19, isn't that classified as an adult?

If another adult behaved in a similar manner towards you as she is doing, how would you react? If she is verbally abusive, I would call police. Isn't harrassment or something like that?

Matilda -

Your post sounds more positive this evening and I sense you are making more sense of the situation.

Your whole family is obviously in turmoil but you are being very strong.

Hold in there -

Matilda, I thought about you today and was wondering how you were doing. As noodle says, you do sound a bit more positive. I am so glad that things are good for you socially, at least that is an outlet or you.

Hang in there, I am sure you will get through it and your kids will thank you one day and feel awful for putting you through such hell.

Hopefully in the future they will look back at this time and realise what they have been putting you through and it will make them very sure of your love for them etc.

I can understand why you are tolerating what is going on for their sakes I also think from what you have said so much of your dds turmoil is probably being caused by the evil ex and the ILs because they have been really screwing with her head and heart.

What kind of sick people rubbish a childs mother, they clearly don't really love them and put their interests first. Well done for getting on with your social life and keeping going.

All the best x

hi matilda.

so glad you are feeling more positive and from your post, it seems like you are starting to take charge too. Well done, it's brilliant news.

I think you deffo did the right thing by not referring to your DD's night of sobbing. Maybe if you had mentioned it, it might have been the trigger she was looking for to have yet another verbal attack on you? well done too for turning off your phone and letting your own life take over for a while.

good luck to you!!

xx

Thanks all

What I need is a total break tbh - to get into a different default mode! Blow me down, they are going away for the week next week . ONly just heard about it mind (long story - involving ILs OF COURSE). HOpefully I'll get my head a bit more straightened out during that time. I feel like changing everything like Big Brother ie they go out and come back and everything is changed somehow. Though I seriously can't be bothered to do anything that involves too much hard work - BB have a whole team that do all the hard stuff LOL.

I wonder if anybody can shed some light on this? Dd is saying she feels 'punished' all the time (not just by me but by life in general - losing her dad for a start). I have had quite a bit of depression myself, but I can't honestly ever remember feeling 'punished'?? Perhaps I did but I've forgotten it... She is also very 'punishing' tbh - almost like she's saying 'you're punishing me so I'll punish you'. But I'm not punishing her! Can anybody shed some light on this?

I've been able to keep some solid boundaries without getting het up, which is the key I find. I don't allow her to talk, save an initial statement, but I don't let her expand, as she revs up and there's no end to it. I use the excuse that she's got her exams to concentrate on at the moment, though it's absolutely clear that I have no intention of going down the road of endlessly talking: we've done all that, I've said my sorrys (and they did have to be said - no question) but I'm not going to repeatedly say sorry over and over. No amount of beating me is going to get her any more - she's got the lot! (sheesh!)

Hmmm.... it's a strange one (but not uncommon) about the punishment thing. If she is suffering from depression, then perhaps she feels that the whole world is against her, hence her feeling punished. She must think that has been bad enough or has done something in her past that warrants her being punished and this could well be the route of all her anxieties.

What she should also realise is that she isn't being victimised or punished in life, it's just something that has happened due to fate (or whatever) and that she isn't the only one who is suffering from recent events either (so therefore she cant possibly be being punished as that would mean that everyone is being punished too, wouldn't it?).

I think at the end of the day she will ultimately have to change the way she views life. Sometimes people do tend to think that whatever will go wrong, will go wrong simply because it's THEM and that XXX happening wouldn't have happened to Joe Bloggs down the road.

I think the break will do you all some good. Make sure you chill out to the max and enjoy the peace and quiet.

matilda57 - so sorry to hear about this and glad that you are feeling a bit stronger day by day. Thank God you are getting a break from everything next week. Unbelievable the way inlaws can behave but you're not alone - my father was killed suddenly in an accident when I was 7. The cause of death was unclear and my paternal grandparents and uncle actually accused my mother of murder and called the police! Luckily the local police knew my mother and didn't take it seriously but from then on it was all out war between them. I won't bore you with the details and don't want to hijack the thread but do what my mum did, stay strong, don't take any shit from anyone - not even your kids - and you'll get through it.

I was a very difficult teenager and took pleasure in making my mum cry (ashamed to admit it but true) - the only time I had respect for her was when she either fought back or ignored me. I also had a weird punishment complex, can't really remember how it started but I did think everyone was against me for a while. We're best of friends now. Put yourself first and don't put yourself down, stay strong and good luck.

Thank you SO much for your lovely posts.

Well... tonight dd was arrested for assaulting me. The police wanted to arrest ds too, who smashed up the dining room door earlier today. Both times it is bcs I am now setting very clear boundaries.

Won't go into what happened with ds, but tomorrow we are going to a wedding and the pressure has been on to get everything together. This time I didn't do it all myself: after ds's very violent behaviour I withdrew every privilege, save (as suggested) bed, food, desk. He did a lot of jobs too. Somehow he accepts it when I get tough. So everything is ready for the wedding. Dd came downstairs at 10pm and said she had texted the bride and groom to say she wasn't going. I said she didn't have that choice. She became extremely verbally abusive (you're mentally ill etc) but I wouldn't let her carry on, adn stated clearly that if she was living in my home, she had to SHOW me respect and that I would no longer tolerate any abuse, so it was her choice: stay here and show respect/stop abusing, or go to her flat. She realised she was losing the argument (I wasn't arguing) and then said she would kill herself if she went back to her flat. I wasn't moved by this, so she attacked me badly. Ds pulled her off as I was trying to get to the phone to call the police. They arrived immediately and have obviously had training in domestic abuse, bcs they understood the situation perfectly and said they wanted to arrest both kids. I felt that ds was not a threat tonight (the police were concerned for my safety) but I was very distressed that dd would harm herself if she was arrested. The police were adamant that they were going to arrest her anyway. They were very good (can't think of a better word). They have assured me that someone will stay outside her cell, and that there is cctv in the cells anyway. So they took her away and will be back in a minute for a statement.

I've got to go to the wedding bcs I've got something the bride needs for the day. We were due to leave at 5am tomorrow morn, and probably bcs of that I wasn't taking any shit from the kids - too much to organise. I wasn't at all aggressive - I stayed strong. I think this is why they both acted out so badly today.

I realised today very clearly that dd is abusing me in the classic way abusers do (ds too, but milder). I can't think forward, bcs in my experience it is extremely rare for an abuser to face their abusive behaviour and take responsibility for it. It is uncanny that she is manifesting the same level of abuse as her dad did, though in a very different way: he was too clever to hit me or obviously verbally abuse. Though they've been a witness to my abuse all their lives (not that I didn't fight it - I did - he was extremely wealthy and found endless ways to make my life hell. I had to keep in contact with him bcs of the kids. Please no-one judge. It is not at all simple when you are caught in a situation like that). I recently had a short job with some childrens counsellors, and saw a lot of incidents of domestic abuse against the mother being carried on by the children when they had grown up in a domestic abuse culture. I guess it is learned behaviour.

I'm sorry this is long. I'm probably in shock tbh. I know it had to be done, but it's hard for me. Never in a million million years would I ever have dreamt this would end up like this (and I'm fully aware it is not over yet - it could be, but not necessarily). My kids have always been 'good' kids iyswim. People regularly stopped me in the street to say my kids were great kids, and a credit to me (whatever that means). They were naughty kids (normal), but good kids if that makes sense.