DD14 doesn’t agree that she’s been rude

[bellylaughs]

DD14 was rude to DH at dinner. Latest in long line of daily rudeness, lack of help, bad attitude etc. When he picked her up on it she started protesting very loudly what had she done wrong, how she always gets picked on etc (this was all in the garden, neighbours on the other side of the fence eating outdoors too)

DH sent her to her room and she ran off literally screaming about how unfair he was. Dinner obviously ruined.

Later I told her to apologise to her dad but she is adamant she wasn’t rude (she was!) and she will not apologise. She’s then screaming “I’m hungry, let me out of my room” etc. Again windows open, neighbours out. Basically I think trying to embarrass us.

She’s so constantly rude, even friends of mine have commented on how she talks to us. But does she really not hear it herself or is she trying it on? We let a lot of stuff slide (we have to or we’d be at constant loggerheads) but when we do draw the line she flips out and her reaction is so extreme it upsets everyone. Any ideas anyone???

Be more consistent. She needs to have a response to a behaviour (yes teenagers are like big toddlers)
Also make her repeat her rude remarks at the time they are said with a "how do you think that makes us feel?"
Teenagers are shits, you just have to do your best and hope they grow out of it. also your neighbours will know exactly what she's up to, do t worry about them

What did she do that was rude at dinner?

What did she do that was rude?

Thank you for your nice post. I know I shouldn’t worry about neighbours but they are a really gentle, quiet couple with no kids and I think they must die listening to our dramas sometimes!

Has this begun recently, or was she rude when younger? And yes, what did she say or do (I used to get in huge trouble for looking sullen, or saying things my friends constantly got away with, so some detail would help!) the

i had made nachos as a starter and then some home made burgers which she announced she wasn’t going to eat. then she helped herself to eat more than her share of nachos, when DH told her not to take them all, she said in a horrible angry sarcastic tone “am I taking them all though?, no I’m not. Why does everyone always have a go at me it’s so unfair, blah blah blah....”

I think part of it is she’s anxious about going back to school tomorrow but DH doesn’t accept that allowances should be made for that.

I have no idea but watching for suggestions as we are in exactly the same position

So she was cheeky, but strictly speaking, she was correct, she wasn't taking them all. Try to use precise language about exactly what she has done wrong, and a fairly neutral calm tone (i.e., something like 'please take your fair share and leave enough for your dad and i').
I'm not at all saying she's right and you're wrong, but avoid any exaggeration which she can focus on as unfairness.amd try to talk to her as if she's a reasonable and calm person, even when she doesn't seem to be!

You really need to pick your battles, which I know is sometime easier said than done. My 13 year-old DD is a bit like this, but I just say "well that was rather rude", and refuse to argue further about low-level stuff like this. There's very little to be gained from a protracted argument over nachos, or whatever (though God knows I've been there and got the t-shirt).

I find with my DD if I stay calm (really not easy - she is very fiery), and just point out the rudeness, she will eventually apologise and tell me how she was feeling and that she didn't mean it etc. Meanwhile my blood-pressure is going through the roof.

I do however, have a different approach to DP who is much more reactive and explosive, and can make a situation much worse by insisting on a 'punishment' or immediate apology when really you just need to let her stew for a bit and think over what happened.

I realise this sounds totally smug, but I have definitely had many battles with my daughter that in hindsight I didn't need to have. We still argue regularly, but there is some merit in refusing to fuel the fire.

Set a boundary - when she crosses it, tell her, and then talk about it later when emotions aren't as high.

And be nice to me when I come back in a year and tell you my 14 year-old is incredibly rude to me!

Yes I agree Cannock but it’s the tone as well. Everything is said with a derisive sneer until she wants money or lifts then it’s sll sweetness. There’s a stalemate now, her refusing to apologise as she’s “done nothing wrong” and her Dad saying don’t bother apologising anyway as he knows she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. Argh!!! In the meantime she hasn’t eaten, hasn’t come out of her room to get organised for tomorrow etc. I just know it’s all going to blow up again when she’s starving and not ready for tomorrow.

Aturnip that’s exactly it! I can stay calm but DH thinks she needs a consequence etc. I like your idea of saying “well that was rather rude” sometimes my other DC look at me like they can’t believe I’m letting her away with the things she says but I do try to Tell her if I’m not happy even in a quiet way.
It’s harder for DH though, he works incredibly hard and does so much for the DC as well, he sees it as complete lack of respect and finds it hard to rise above.

Sounds like everyone is very tense and blowing up partly out of frustration at previous events, rather than reacting proportionately to the events at hand. Can you record interactions and if a disagreement happens, go back to the recording, together with your dd, when everyone is calm again and reflect on what actually happened (rather than argue about each person's half remembered/biased version)?

It is a complete lack of respect, that's for sure.

But as someone else said, teenagers are shits. They're just trying to find their way in the world, exercising their 'power' with boundaries, because they KNOW absolutely that you are the only people who will put up with their shittiness.

But they also need to know when they have crossed the line - after all, they can't behave like this in 'the outside world' and would probably never dream of doing so (how many of your daughter's friend's parents have told you she's delightful?)

I've really scaled back on the reactions to my DD's outbursts and have seen a definite improvement in her behaviour. Hopefully I'm doing the right thing and she won't take the piss and go massively off the rails whilst I'm being all nicey-nicey. But it's anyone's guess.

Do your DDs have responsibilities and chores?

This reminds me of a tv programmed my DCs like which is about middle class British children who go to a third-world country and do something like work in a trainer factory. This teaches them how hard others have to work for so little. Also that others are happy with so little. I feel your DD is probably taking too much for granted - her own importance and what you provide for her.

It also reminds me of my friend and her DCs who are the same age as yours. When her DCs get muddy football boots, she cleans them. No, at 14, they are capable of doing it themselves. It’s good for them to learn how to do it, plus it gives them an incentive to clean them as much as possible at the end of the match.

So, I would start with a good hard look at her responsibilities to herself and the household. Is she organizing herself? Does she do a few bigger jobs like washing up, mowing the lawn?

And why is she so anxious about going to school tomorrow? I know it’s the end of half term.

I do try to tell her in a quiet way? Really?
She's rude and needs a consequence. She may be worried about going back to school. (Why?) that's a reason not an excuse.

Sounds to me like you've blown it completely out of proportion.
Many teens go through a 'pushing the boundaries' stage. Making it into a huge issue for a misdemeanour as small as that which you describe, will leave you in a state of constant conflict, and nowhere to go if she does then go through a difficult time later.

I think it is about consistency

Pulling her up every single time, but without escalating it with punishments and threats

I call on rudeness or tone every single time. I don't speak to them like that so I expect them not to. But I don't impose punishments on teenagers if I can help it. I think it just escalates a bad situation and makes it worse. Better in the situation you described to say to her "don't use that tone please" and then take the nachos and help yourself and everyone else to them and move on. Don't create confrontational situations if you can help it and since teens are often hell bent on doing that that may mean a lot of deflection on your part. You are adults, she is a teenager.

There’s a stalemate now, her refusing to apologise as she’s “done nothing wrong” and her Dad saying don’t bother apologising anyway as he knows she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong.

She is the teenager. your dh is an adult. He is being as bad as her with this. He needs to understand that the teen years aren't easy and she is trying to figure herself out/grow up. Throw her a little slack and don't expect both an apology and true contrition.

I think you and your dh should read Get Out Of My Life But First Take Me and Alex To Town. It really does explain the teen brain/attitude very well and with great kindness.

"Do I ever I talk to you like that?" sometimes works. Can bring them up short right in the moment.

It's the donkey braying tone of voice here that does my head in. Constant put downs to everyone. Tongue like a knife. And sticking her tuppence worth into every bloody conversation. We pretty much let nothing go. But I mostly comment on tone. She'd argue with a wall right now.

What Pallisers said.

You and dh have to rise above it - yes, correct it, but don't back her into a corner and make a big event out of it.

That book is great (and that's coming from someone who never read any parenting books when they were little).

Thanks for all your posts. Interesting some people saying it’s best to pick them up on everything, consequences etc. and others saying just comment and move on.

Personally I’m more on the comment and move on side whereas DH is the opposite. I’ve read the book by the way! It’s brilliant :-)

I agree with Pallisers. Call her on it then move on. Not calling them on it lets them away with it but making a big deal just puts everyones back up. As said teens can be a pain but l promise they grow out of it so just try and keep the relationship going until that day comes. And begin every day afresh. Don't keep a record of wrongdoings as you will only do your head in. Begin every day as if she is the sweetest girl alive.
Funny my ds in his 20s now says ..l was one little pup at times and to be honest l have forgotten.

OP this could be my son at the moment he is far more disrespectful than your DD. Life is certainly not easy and doesn’t make for an easy family life. She could be anxious about school or hormonal but it doesn’t make life any easier I know.
DS thinks he should come and go as he pleases and any and all his time not spent at school should be spent lolling around on his phone, iPad or Xbox. At the moment he is refusing to do anything around the house such as pick his dirty clothes off his bedroom floor and put them wash basket, feed the dog or put the recycling out. Everything is either ignored or met with in a minute (and you can ask him nicely half a dozen times) and he is angry rude and disrespectful to myself DD and DH. Like you we have let somethings slide for our own sanity but need to clamp down tonight I feel your pain. DH said he isn’t interested in either of us all he wants is food, money and occasional help locating one of his favourite tshirts from the washing pile that’s it as far as he’s concerned at the moment we can all go to hell. I have bent over backwards to give him opportunities and ensure he has had things I didn’t and had a happy childhood and now it’s like he’s sabotaging it. He says he’s not happy and home he hates us and we are the cause of this. I have tried to calmly ask him why he is a bright lad and can be very articulate but he can’t really answer this. Take care OP.