DD14 doesn’t agree that she’s been rude

[bellylaughs]

DD14 was rude to DH at dinner. Latest in long line of daily rudeness, lack of help, bad attitude etc. When he picked her up on it she started protesting very loudly what had she done wrong, how she always gets picked on etc (this was all in the garden, neighbours on the other side of the fence eating outdoors too)

DH sent her to her room and she ran off literally screaming about how unfair he was. Dinner obviously ruined.

Later I told her to apologise to her dad but she is adamant she wasn’t rude (she was!) and she will not apologise. She’s then screaming “I’m hungry, let me out of my room” etc. Again windows open, neighbours out. Basically I think trying to embarrass us.

She’s so constantly rude, even friends of mine have commented on how she talks to us. But does she really not hear it herself or is she trying it on? We let a lot of stuff slide (we have to or we’d be at constant loggerheads) but when we do draw the line she flips out and her reaction is so extreme it upsets everyone. Any ideas anyone???

Salted, I really feel for you. My older DS1 was a bit like your DS. He’s now 23 and thank goodness has totally changed. He went through a few years of wanting to go against us in everything, even stealing from us when we tried restricting pocket money.

The only thing I can say is try to find that little chink in his (heavy!) armour. Even if it’s only a very occasional chat, trip to get a milkshake, burger etc. Don’t use those moments to discuss issues, literally pretend you’re delighted with him and just have a lovely positive time. And cling to those moments when you’re really down.

On the bright side, all the way through my sons difficult years, I corrected him and ploughed on with my “standards” regardless and now that he’s an adult he has the sand standards and picks his younger sisters up on theirs, do it does go in and lodge somewhere in their brains!!

Thanks belly laughs

It sounds like it's getting into a cycle of rude, confront, blame, shout which won't be helping the situation.

I've learned that being calm with teens (and toddlers, they are pretty much the same species) and not reacting makes life easier for everyone. The consequences need to be hard hitting but more subtle. For instance, if my teens are asked to do something and don't do it I don't nag or shout at them but do it myself. The next time they ask for something - a lift, money, food, whatever, I just say no. It's really a simple solution but very effective, I very rarely have to ask them to do anything more than once now and they have even started to occasionally do it before I have even asked faints

If I ask them to do something and it's too hard to drag them away from the game, x box, phone, whatever I simply turn off the WiFi until they have done it and completely ignore their protests. I don't engage, ever, with outbursts or eye rolling etc. I simply ignore and carry on doing my thing until they eventually run out of steam because there is no-one to argue with. If they are rude I ask them to leave the room and not to come back until they apologise (although to be fair to my sons this is quite rare)

My boys are now 16 and 19 and we have had a pretty calm home for a good couple of years now.

Find a non confrontational strategy that works for you and stick to it religiously. Do not give in or engage in rows. Life will be happier when you have clear expectations and are all working on the same page. And remember you are the grown up and have control.

I don't ask for an apology - it's too contrived, if they want to apologise I'll happily take it. The thing I need is for them to understand how they are handling themselves badly - yesterday I exploded at ds, he was being totally unbearable - I apologise without reservation and later when the emotions had settled he apologised to me and we talked about how we could avoid getting into that situation again - arguments are two way things blaming the 14 year old for all of it, is probably not fair.
Moaning at someone and being unpleasant doesn't make someone want to help you more. Generally everyone wants to get along the teens don't like being treated poorly neither do I, so we agree that we will try to treat each other with respect. Things are better in our house when we treat our teens as "adults in training"